MA04 Hit or Myth

by Robert Asprin

  “Exactly! That’s why I can’t leave the throne unattended. If I wanted a vacation, I’d need a stand-in.”

  An alarm bell went off in my mind.

  Now, however much Aahz may have nagged me about being a slow student, I’m not stupid. Even before I met Aahz. —heck, before I learned my letters ... I knew how to add two and two to get four. In this case, one two was the King’s need for a stand-in; the second two was his presence in my quarters, and the four was...

  “Surely Your Majesty can’t mean me!”

  “Of course I mean you,” Rodrick confirmed. “The fact is, Lord Magician, I had this in mind when I hired you to your current position.”

  “You did?”

  I could feel the jaws of the trap closing. If this was indeed why the King had hired me, I would be ill-advised to refuse the assignment. Rodrick might decide my services were no longer needed, and the last thing I needed with Aahz gone was to get cut off from my source of income. I wasn’t sure what the job market was like for ex-court magicians, but I was sure I didn’t want to find out first hand.

  “As you said earlier, the powers of the Court Magician are at my disposal, and one of the powers you demonstrated when we first met was the ability to change your own shape, or the shape of others, at will.”

  The disguise spell! It was one of the first spells Aahz had taught me and one of the ones most frequently used over our last several adventures. After all the times it’s bailed me out of tight spots, who would have guessed it would be the spell to get me into trouble? Well, there was the time it had gotten me hung ...”

  “But, Your Majesty, I couldn’t possibly substitute for you. I don’t know how to be a King!”

  “Nothing to it,” Rodrick smiled. “The nice thing about being a King is that even when you’re wrong, no one dares to point it out.”

  “But ...”

  “And besides, it will only be for one day. What could possibly go wrong in one day?”

  NOW, I DON’T want you to think I’m a pushover. I drove a hard bargain with the King before giving in. I not only managed to get him to agree to a bonus, but to cough up a hefty percentage in advance before accepting the assignment. Not bad for a fledgling magician who was over a barrel.

  Of course, once I accepted, I was no longer over a barrel; I was in over my head!

  The more I thought about it, the worse the idea of standing in for the King seemed. The trouble was, I didn’t have a choice ... or did I? I thought about it some more and a glimmer of hope appeared.

  There was a way out! The only question was how far could I run in a day? While not particularly worldly (or off-worldly for that matter) I was pretty sure that double-crossing kings wasn’t the healthiest of pastimes.

  It was going to be a big decision, definitely the biggest I ever had to make on my own. The King (or to be exact, his stand-in) wasn’t due to make an appearance until noon tomorrow, so I had a little time to mull things over. With that in mind, I decided to talk it out with my last friend left in the palace.

  “What do you think, Gleep? Should I take it on the lam, or stick around and try to bluff it out for one day as king?” The response was brief and to the point.

  “Gleep!”

  For those of you who’ve tuned in to this series late, Gleep is my pet. He lives in the Royal Stables. He’s also a twenty-foot long blue dragon ... half grown. (I shudder to think what he’ll be like when he’s fully grown! Groan!) As to his witty conversation, you’ll have to forgive him. He only has a one-word vocabulary, but he makes up for it by using that word a lot. Wordy or not, I turned to him in this moment of crisis because with Aahz gone, he was the only one in this dimension who would be even vaguely sympathetic to my problem. That in itself says a lot about the social life of a magician.

  “Come on, Gleep, get serious. I’m in real trouble. If I try to stand in for the King, I might make a terrible mistake ... like starting a war or hanging an innocent man. On the other hand, if I double-cross the King and disappear, you and I would spend the rest of our lives as hunted fugitives.”

  The unicorn in the next stall snorted and stamped a foot angrily.

  “Sorry, Buttercup. The three of us would be hunted fugitives.”

  War unicorns aren’t all that common, even in Royal Stables. That particular war unicorn was mine. I acquired him as a gift shortly after I acquired Gleep. As I said before, this life-style is more than a little zooish.

  “In a kingdom with a bad king, a lot of people would get hurt,” I reasoned, “and I’d be a terrible king. Heck, I’m not all that good a magician.”

  “Gleep,” my pet argued sternly.

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence, but it’s true. I don’t want to hurt anybody, but I’m not wild about being a hunted fugitive, either.”

  Tired of verbalizing his affection, Gleep decided to demonstrate his feelings by licking my face. Now, aside from leaving a slimy residue, my dragon’s kisses have one other side effect. His breath is a blast of stench exceeded only by the smell of Pervish cooking.

  “G ... Gleep, old boy,” I managed at last, “I love you dearly, but if you do that twice a week, we may part company ... permanently!”

  “Gleep?”

  That earned me a hurt expression, which I erased simply enough by scratching his head. It occurred to me that dragons had survived because each of them only became emotionally attached to one being in its lifetime. If their breath reached the entire population instead of a single individual, they would have been hunted into extinction long ago. No, it was better that only one person should suffer than ...”

  Another part of my mind grabbed that thought and started turning it over.

  “If I run, then I’ll be the only one in trouble, but if I try to be king, the whole kingdom suffers! That’s it! I have to leave. It’s the only decent thing to do. Thanks, Gleep!”

  “Gleep?”

  My pet cocked his head in puzzlement.

  “I’ll explain later. All right. It’s decided. You two stock up on food while I duck back to my room to get a few things. Then it’s ‘Goodbye Possiltum!’”

  I’ve had pause to wonder what would have happened if I’d followed my original plan: just headed for my room, gathered up my belongings, and left. The timing for the rest of the evening would have changed, and the rest of this story would have been totally different. As it was, I made a slight detour. Halfway to my room, Aahz’s training cut in. That is, I started thinking about money.

  Even as a hunted fugitive, money would come in handy ... and the King’s advance would only last so long. With a little extra cash, I could run a lot farther, hide a lot longer ... or at the very least live a lot better ...”

  Buoyed by these thoughts, I went looking for J. P. Grimble.

  The Chancellor of the Exchequer and I had never been what you would call close friends. Blood enemies would be a better description. Aahz always maintained that this was because of my growing influence in court. Not so. The truth was that my mentor’s greed for additional funding was surpassed only by Grimble’s reluctance to part with the same. Literally the same, since my wages came out of those coffers so closely guarded by the Chancellor.

  I found him, as expected, in the tiny cubicle he used for an office. Scuttlebutt has it he repeatedly refused larger rooms, trying desperately to impress the rest of the staff by setting an example of frugality. It didn’t work, but he kept trying and hoping.

  His desk was elbow deep in paper covered by tiny little numbers which he alternately peered at and changed while moving various sheets from stack to stack. There were similar stacks on the floor and on the only other available chair, leading me to believe he had been at his current task for some time. Seeing no available space for sitting or standing, I elected to lean against the door frame.

  “Working late, lord Chancellor?”

  That earned me
a brief, dark glare before he returned to his work.

  “If I were a magician, I’d be working late. As Chancellor of the Exchequer, these are m f normal hours. For your information, things are going rather smoothly. So smoothly, in fact, I may be able to wrap up early tonight, say in another three or four hours.”

  “What are you working on?”

  “Next year’s Budget and Operating Plan, and it’s almost done. That is, providing someone doesn’t want to risk incurring my permanent disfavor by trying to change a number on me at the last minute.”

  The last was accompanied by what can only be described as a meaningful stare.

  I ignored it.

  I mean, what the heck! I was already on his bad side, so his threats didn’t scare me at all.

  “Then it’s a good thing I caught you before you finished your task,” I sand nonchalantly. “I want to discuss something with you that will undoubtedly have an impact on your figures. Specifically, a change in my pay scale.”

  “Out of the question!” Grimble exploded. “You’re already the highest paid employee on the staff, including myself. It’s outrageous that you would even think of asking for a pay increase.”

  “Not a pay increase, Lord Chancellor, a pay cut.”

  That stopped him.

  “A pay cut?”

  “Say, down to nothing.”

  He leaned back in his chair and regarded me suspiciously.

  “I find it hard to believe that you and your apprentice are willing to work for nothing. Forgive me, but I always distrust noble sacrifice as a motive. Though I dislike greed, at least it’s a drive I can understand.”

  “Perhaps that’s why we’ve always gotten along so well,” I purred. “However, you’re quite right. I have no intention of working for free. I was thinking of leaving the court of Possiltum to seek employment elsewhere.”

  The chancellor’s eyebrows shot up.

  “While I won’t argue your plan, I must admit it surprises me. I was under the impression you were quite enamored of your position here in ‘a soft job,’ I believe is how your scaly apprentice describes it. What could possibly entice your to trade the comforts of court life for an uncertain future on the open road?”

  “Why, a bribe, of course,” I smiled. “A lump sum of a thousand gold pieces.”

  “I see,” Grimble murmured softly. “And who’s offering this bribe, if I might ask?”

  I stared at the ceiling.

  “Actually, I was rather hoping that you would.”

  * * *

  There was a bit of haggling after that, but mostly on the terms of our agreement. Grimble really wanted Aahz and me out of his accounts, though I suspect he would have been less malleable if he had realized he was only dealing with me. There was a bit of name calling and breast beating, but the end result is what counts, and that end result was my heading for my quarters, a thousand gold pieces richer in exchange for a promise that it was the last money I would ever receive from Grimble. It was one more reason for my being on my way as soon as possible.

  With light heart and heavy purse, I entered my quarters.

  Remember the last time I entered my quarters? How there was a demon waiting for me? Well, it happened again.

  Now don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a regular occurrence in my day-to-day existence. One demon showing up unannounced is a rarity. Two demons ... well, no matter how you looked at it, this was going to be a red-letter day in my diary.

  Does it seem to you I’m stalling? I am. You see, this demon I knew, and her name was Massha!

  “Well hel-lo, high roller! I was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by and say ‘Hi!”

  She started forward to give me a hug, and I hastily moved to put something immobile between us. A ‘hi!’ and a hug might not sound like a threat to you. If not, you don’t know Massha!

  I have nothing against hello hugs. I have another demon friend named Tananda (yes, I have a lot of demon friends these days) whose hello hugs are high points in my existence. Tananda is cute, curvaceous, and cuddly. Okay, so she’s also an assassin, but her hello hugs can get a rise out of a statue.

  Massha, on the other hand, is not cute and cuddly. Massha is immense ... and then some. I didn’t doubt the sincere goodwill behind her greeting. I was just afraid that if she hugged me, it would take days to find my way out again ... and I had a getaway to plan.

  “Um ... Hi, Massha. Good to see you ... all of you.”

  The last time I had seen Massha, she was disguised as a gaudy circus tent, except it wasn’t a disguise. It was actually the way she dressed. This time, though, she had apparently kicked out the jams ... along with her entire wardrobe and any modicum of good taste. Okay, she wasn’t completely naked. She was wearing a leopard-skin bikini, but she was showing enough flesh for four normal naked people. A bikini, her usual wheelbarrow full of jewelry, light green lipstick that clashed with her orange hair, and a tattoo on her bicep. That was Massha. Class all the way.

  “What brings you to Klah? Aren’t you still working Jahk?” I asked, mentioning the dimension where we met.

  “The boys will just have to work things out without me for a while. I’m on a little ... vacation.”

  There was a lot of that going around.

  “But what are you doing here?”

  “Not much for small talk, are you? I like that in a man.”

  My skin started to crawl a little on that last bit, but she continued.

  “Well ... while I’m here, I thought I’d take another little peek at your General Badaxe, but that’s not the real reason for my visit. I was hoping you and me could talk a little ... business.”

  My life flashed before my eyes. For a moment, neither Aahz’s departure nor the King’s assignment was my biggest problem ... pun intended.

  “Me?” I managed at last.

  “That’s right, hot stuff I’ve been giving it a lot of thought since you and your scaly green sidekick rolled through my territory, and yesterday I made up my mind. I’ve decided to sign on as your apprentice.”

  “BUT. YOUR Majesty, he promised me he’d pay the other half before spring, and ...”

  “I did not.”

  “Did too.”

  “Liar!”

  “Thief!”

  “Citizens,” I said, “I can only listen to one side at a time. Now then, you! Tell me what you remember being said.”

  That’s right. I said. There I was sitting on the very throne I had decided to avoid at all cost.

  Actually, this king business wasn’t all that rough. Rodrick had briefed me on basic procedure and provided me with a wardrobe, and from there it was fairly simple. The problems paraded before me weren’t all that hard to solve, but there were lots of them.

  At first I was scared, then for a while it was fun. Now it was just boring. I had lost count of how many cases I had listened to, but I had developed a new sympathy for Rodrick’s desire to get away for a while. I was ready for a vacation before lunch rolled around. It was beyond my comprehension how he had lasted for years of this nonsense.

  You may wonder how I went from talking with Massha to sitting on the throne. Well, I wonder myself from time to time, but here’s what happened as near as I can reconstruct it.

  Needless to say, her request to work as my apprentice caught me unprepared.

  “M ... my ... but Massha. You already have a job as a court magician. Why would you want to apprentice yourself to me?”

  In response, Massha heaved a great sigh. It was a startling phenomenon to watch. Not just because there was so much of Massha moving in so many different directions, but because when she was done, she seemed to have deflated to nearly half her original size. She was no longer an imposing figure, just a rather tired looking fat woman.

  “Look, Skeeve,” she said in a low voice that bore no resembla
nce to her normal vampish tones. “If we’re going to work together, we’ve got to be honest with each other. Court magician or not, we both know that I don’t know any magic. I’m a mechanic ... a gimmick freak. I’ve got enough magic baubles to hold down a job, but any bozo with a big enough bankroll could buy the same stuff at the Bazaar at Deva.

  “Now, mind you, I’m not complaining. Old Massha’s been kicked around by some of the best and nobody’s ever heard her complain. I’ve been happy with what I have up to now. It’s just when I saw you and your rat pack put one over on both city-states at the Big Game with some real magic, I knew there was something to learn besides how to operate gimmicks. So whattaya say? Will you help me learn a little of the stuff I really got into the magic biz for?”

  Her honesty was making me more than a little uncomfortable. I wanted to help her, but I sure didn’t want an apprentice right now. I decided to stall.

  “Why did you choose magic for a profession, anyway?” That got me a sad smile.

  “You’re sweet, Skeeve, but we were going to be honest with each other, remember? I mean, look at me. What am I supposed to do for a living? Get married and be a housewife? Who would have me? Even a blind man could figure out in no time flat that I was more than he had bargained for ... a lot more. I resigned myself to the way I look a long time ago. I accepted it and covered up any embarrassment I felt with loud talk and flamboyant airs. It was only natural that a profession like magic that thrives on loud talk and flamboyant airs would attract me.”

  “We aren’t all loud talk,” I said cautiously.

  “I know,” she smiled. “You don’t have to act big because you’ve got the clout to deliver what you promise. It impressed me on Jahk, and everyone I talked to at the Bazaar on Deva said the same thing. ‘Skeeve doesn’t strut much, but don’t start a fight with him.’ That’s why I want you for my teacher. I already know how to talk loud.”