MA04 Hit or Myth

by Robert Asprin

  Honesty and flattery are a devastating one-two punch. Whatever I thought about her before, right now Massha had me eating out of the palm of her hand. Before I committed myself to anything I might regret later, I decided to try fighting her with her own weapons.

  “Massha ... we’re going to be honest with each other, right? Well, I can’t accept you as an apprentice right now for two reasons. The first is simple. I don’t know that much magic myself. No matter what kind of scam we pull on the paying customers, including the ones on Deva, the truth is that I’m just a student. I’m still learning the business myself.”

  “That’s no problem, big bwana,” Massha laughed, regaining some of her customary composure. “Magic is like that: the more you learn, the more you find there is to know. That’s why the really big guns in our business spend all their time closeted away studying and practicing. You know some magic, and that’s some more than I know. I’ll be grateful for anything you’re willing to teach me.”

  “Oh.” I said, a bit surprised that my big confession hadn’t fazed her at all. “Well, there’s still the second reason.”

  “And that is?”

  “That I’m in a bit of trouble myself. In fact, I was just getting ready to sneak out of the kingdom when you showed up.” A small frown wrinkled Massha’s forehead.

  “Hmm ...”she said, thoughtfully. “Maybe you’d better give me some of the details of this trouble you’re in. Sometimes talking it out helps, and that’s what apprentices are for.”

  “They are?” I countered skeptically. “I’ve been apprenticed twice, and I don’t remember either of the magicians I studied under confiding in me with their problems.”

  “Well, that’s what Massha’s for. Listening happens to be one of the few things I’m really good at. Now give. What’s happened to put a high-stepper like you on the run?”

  Seeing no easy alternative, I told her about the King’s assignment and my subsequent deal with Grimble. She was right. She was an excellent listener, making just enough sympathetic noise to keep me talking without actually interrupting my train of thought.

  When I finally wound down, she sighed and shook her head. “You’re right. You’ve got a real problem there. But I think there are a few things you’ve overlooked in reaching your final decision.”

  “Such as ...?”

  “Well, first you’re right. A bad king is worse than a good king. The problem is that a bad king is better than no king at all. Roddie Five is counting on you to fill his chair tomorrow, and if you don’t show up, the whole kingdom goes into a panic because the king has disappeared.”

  “I hadn’t thought about it that way,” I admitted.

  “Then there’s the thing with Grimble. We all pick up a little extra ‘cash when we can, but in this case if it comes out that Grimble paid you to skip out when the King was counting on you, his head goes on the chopping block for treason.”

  I closed my eyes.

  That did it. It was bad enough to hurt the faceless masses, but when the mass had a face, even if it was Grimble’s, I couldn’t let him face a treason charge because of my cowardice.

  “You’re right,” I sighed. “I’m going to have to sit in for the King tomorrow.”

  “With me as your apprentice?”

  “Ask me after tomorrow ... if I’m still alive. In the meantime, scurry off and say ‘Hello’ to Badaxe. I know he’ll be glad to see you.”

  “Your Majesty?”

  I snapped back to the present, and realized the two arguers were now looking at me, presumably to render a decision.

  “If I understand this case correctly,” I stalled, “both of you are claiming ownership of the same cat. Correct?”

  Two heads bobbed in quick agreement.

  “Well, if the two of you can’t decide the problem between you, it seems to me there’s only one solution. Cut the cat in two and each of you keep half.”

  This was supposed to inspire them to settle their difference with a quick compromise. Instead they thanked me for my wisdom, shook hands, and left smiling, presumably to carve up their cat.

  It occurred to me, not for the first time today, that many of the citizens of Possiltum don’t have both oars in the water. What anyone could do with half a dead cat, or a whole dead cat for that matter, was beyond me.

  Suddenly I was very tired. With an offhanded wave I beckoned the herald forward.

  “How many more are waiting out there?” J asked.

  “That was the last. We deliberately kept the case load light today so Your Majesty could prepare for tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow?”

  The question slipped out reflexively. Actually, I didn’t really care what happened tomorrow. My assignment was done. I had survived the day, and tomorrow was Rodrick’s problem.

  “Yes, tomorrow ... when your bride arrives.”

  Suddenly I was no longer tired. Not a bit. I was wide awake and listening with every pore.

  “My bride?” I asked cautiously.

  “Surely Your Majesty hasn’t forgotten. She specifically scheduled her arrival so that she would have a week to prepare for your wedding.”

  Case load be hanged. Now I knew why dear Rodrick wanted a vacation. I also knew, with cold certainty, that he wouldn’t be back tonight to relieve me of my duties. Not tonight, and maybe not ever.

  FOR ONCE, I successfully suppressed the urge to panic. I had to!

  Without Aahz around to hold things together until I calmed down, I couldn’t afford hysterics.

  Instead, I thought ... and thought.

  I was in a jam, and no matter how I turned it over in my mind, it was going to take more than just me to get out of it.

  I thought of Massha.

  Then I thought about suicide.

  Then I thought about Massha again.

  With firm resolve and weak knees, I made my decision. The question was how to locate Massha? The answer came on the heels of the question. Standing in for the king had been nothing but a pain so far. It was about time I started making it work for me for a change.

  “Guard!”

  A uniformed soldier materialized by the throne with impressive speed.

  “Yes, Your Majesty?”

  “Pass the word for General Badaxe. I’d like to see him.”

  “Umm ... begging Your Majesty’s pardon. He’s with a lady just now.”

  “Good. I mean, bring them both.”

  “But ...”

  “Now.”

  “Yes, Your Majesty!”

  The guard was gone with the same speed with which he had appeared.

  I tried not to grin. I had never gotten along particularly well with the military of Possiltum. Of course, the fact that my first exposure to them was when Aahz and I were hired to fight their war for them might have something to do with it. Anyway, the thought of some poor honor guard having to interrupt his general’s tete-a-tete was enough to make me smile, the first in several days.

  Still, sending a guard to fetch the person I wanted to see was certainly better than chasing them down myself. Perhaps being a king did have its advantages.

  Two hours later, I was still waiting. In that time, I had more than ample opportunity to reconsider the benefit of issuing kingly summons. Having sent for Badaxe, I was obligated to wait for him in the throne room until he appeared.

  At one point I considered the horrible possibility that he had taken Massha riding and that it might be days before they were located. After a little additional thought, I discarded the idea. There wasn’t a steed in the Kingdom, including Gleep, who could carry Massha more than a few steps before collapsing.

  I was still contemplating the image of Massha, sitting indignant on the ground with horse’s legs protruding grotesquely from beneath her rump, when the herald sprang into action.

  “Now comes General B
adaxe ... and a friend.”

  With that, the man stood aside. Actually, he took several side-ways steps to stand aside.

  I’ve already described Massha’s bulk. Well, Hugh Badaxe wasn’t far behind her. What he lacked in girth, he made up for in muscle. My initial impression of the General remained unchanged; that he had won his rank by taking on the rest of the army ... and winning. Of course, he was wearing his formal bearskin, the clean one, which made him appear all the larger. While I had been there when they met, I had never actually seen Badaxe and Massha standing side by side before. The overall effect was awe-inspiring. Together, they might have been a pageant of a barbarian invasion gone decadent ... if it weren’t for the General’s axe. His namesake, a huge, double-bitted hand axe, rode comfortably in its customary place on the General’s right hip, and the glitter from it wasn’t all decorative. Here, at least, was one barbarian who hadn’t let decadence go to his sword arm.

  “Your Majesty.”

  Badaxe rumbled his salutation as he dropped to one knee with an ease that denied his size. One could almost imagine the skull of a fallen enemy crackling sharply beneath that descending knee. I forced the thought from my mind.

  “Greetings, General. Won’t you introduce me to your ... companion?”

  “I ... certainly, Your Majesty. May I present Massha, Court Magician of Ta-hoe, and friend of both myself and Lord Skeeve, Magician to your own court here at Possiltum.”

  “Charmed, Your Majesty.”

  I realized with a start that Massha was about to attempt to imitate Badaxe by dropping to one knee. Even if she were able to execute such a maneuver, it would require sufficient effort as to invite ridicule from the other court retainers present ... and somehow I didn’t want that.

  “Ah ... there is no need for that,” I asserted hastily. “It was not our intention to hold formal court here, but rather an informal social occasion.”

  That caused a minor stir with the court, including the general who frowned in slight puzzlement. Still, I was already committed to a line of conversation, so I blundered on.

  “In fact, that was the only reason for the summons. I wished to meet the lady dazzling enough to lure our general from his usual position by my side.”

  “Your Majesty gave his permission for my absence today,” the general protested.

  “Quite right. As I said, this is a social gathering only. In fact, there are too many people here for casual conversation. It is our wish that the court be adjourned for the day and the room cleared that I might speak freely with this visiting dignitary.”

  Again there was a general ripple of surprise, but a royal order was a royal order, and the various retainers bowed or curtsied to the throne and began making their way out.

  “You too, General I would speak with Massha alone.”

  Badaxe began to object, but Massha nudged him in the ribs with an elbow, a blow which would have been sufficient to flatten most men, but was barely enough to gain the general’s attention. He frowned darkly, then gave a short bow and left with the others.

  “So, you’re a friend of our lord Magician,” I asked after we were finally alone.

  “I have that ... honor, Your Majesty,” Massha replied cautiously. “I hope he’s ... well?”

  “As a matter of fact, he’s in considerable trouble right now.” Massha heaved a great sigh.

  “I was afraid of that. Something to do with his last assignment?”

  I ignored the question.

  “General Badaxe seems quite taken with you. Are you sure you want to stay in the magic biz? Or are you going to try your hand at a new lifestyle?”

  Massha scowled at me.

  “Now how did you hear that? You haven’t been torturing your own magician, have you?”

  I caught the small motion of her adjusting her rings, and decided the time for games was over.

  “Hold it, Massha! Before you do anything, there’s something I have to show you.”

  “What’s that?”

  I had already closed my eyes to remove my disguise spell ... faster than I ever had before.

  “Me,” I said, opening my eyes again.

  “Well, I’ll be ... you really had me going there, hot stuff.”

  “It was just a disguise spell,” I waved off-handedly.

  “Nice. Of course, it almost got you fried. Why didn’t you let me know it was you?”

  “First of all, I wanted to see if my disguise spell was good enough to fool someone who was watching for it. This is my first time to try to disguise my voice as well as my appearance. Secondly ... well, I was curious if you had changed your mind about being my apprentice.”

  “But why couldn’t you have just asked me ... I see. You’re really in trouble, aren’t you? Bad enough that you didn’t want to drag me into an old promise. That’s nice of you, Skeeve. Like I said before, you run a class act.”

  “Anybody would have done the same thing,” I argued, trying to hide my embarrassment at her praise.

  She snorted loudly.

  “If you believed that, you wouldn’t have survived as long as you have. Anyway, apprentice or not, a friend is a friend. Now out with it. What’s happened?”

  Sitting on the steps to the throne, I filled her in about the forth-coming wedding and my suspicions about the king’s conveniently scheduled vacation. I tried to sound casual and matter-of-fact about it, but towards the end my tone got rather flat.

  When I was done, Massha gave a low whistle of sympathy.

  “When you big leaguers get in trouble, you don’t kid around, do you? Now that you’ve filled me in, I’ll admit I’m a little surprised you’re still here.”

  I grimaced.

  “I’m a little slow from time to time, but you only have to lecture me once. If one day without a king is bad for a kingdom, a permanent disappearance could be disastrous. Anyway, what I need right now is someone to track down the real king and get him back here, while I keep bluffing from the throne.”

  Massha scowled.

  “Well, I’ve got a little trinket that could track him, if you’ve got something around that he’s worn, that is ...”

  “Are you kidding? You think court magicians dress this way in Possiltum? Everything I’m wearing and two more closet-fulls in his quarters belong to the king.”

  “But what I can’t figure out is why you need me? Where’s your usual partner ... whatshisname ... Aahz? It seems to me he’d be your first choice for a job like this. Wherever he is, can’t you just pop over to that dimension and pull him back for a while?”

  Lacking any other option, I decided to resort to the truth, both about Aahz’s permanent departure and my own lack of ability to travel the dimensions without a D-Hopper. When I was done, Massha was shaking her head.

  “So you’re all alone and stranded here and you were still going to give me an out instead of pressuring me into helping? Well, you got my help, Mister, and you don’t have to bribe me with an apprenticeship, either. I’ll get your king back for you ... before that wedding. Then we’ll talk about apprentices.”

  I shook my head.

  “Right idea, but wrong order. I wasn’t going to bribe you with an apprenticeship, Massha. I told you before I don’t know much magic, but what I know I’ll be glad to teach you ... whether you find the King or not. I’m not sure that’s an apprenticeship, but it’s yours if you want it.”

  She smiled a smile quite different from her usual vamp act.

  “We’ll argue about it later. Right now, I’ve got a king to find.”

  “Wait a minute! Before you go, you’re pretty good with gadgets, right? Well, I’ve got a D-Hopper in my quarters. I want you to show me two settings: the one for Deva, and the one for Klah. You see, I’m not all that noble. If things get too rough or it takes you longer than a week to find the king, I want a little running room. If I’m no
t here when you get back, you can look for your ‘noble’ Skeeve at the Yellow Crescent Inn at the Bazaar at Deva.”

  Massha snorted.

  “You’re putting yourself down again, Hot Stuff. You’re going to try before you run, which is more than I can say for most in our profession. Besides, whatever you think your motives are, they’re deeper than you think. You just asked me to show you two settings. You only need one to run.”

  I HAD LONG since decided that the main requirement for Royalty or its impersonators was immunity to boredom. Having already chronicled the true tedious nature of performing so-called “duties of state,” I can only add that waiting to perform them is even worse.

  There was certainly no rush on my part to meet the king’s bride-to-be, much less marry her. After word had come that her arrival would be delayed by a full day, however, and as the day waxed into late afternoon waiting for her “early morning” reception, I found myself wishing that she would get here so we could meet and get it over with already.

  All other royal activity had ground to a halt in an effort to emphasize the importance of Possiltum’s greeting their bride-to-be. I hardly thought it was necessary, though, as the citizens decked the street with flowers and lined up three deep in hopes of catching a glimpse of this new celebrity. The wait didn’t seem to dampen their spirits, though the flowers wilted only to be periodically replaced by eager hands. If nothing else, this reception was going to put a serious dent in Possiltum’s flower crop for a while. Of course, it might also put a dent in all our crops, for the streets remained packed with festive people who showed not the slightest inclination to return to their fields or guild shops when word was passed of each new delay.

  “Haven’t the citizens anything better to do with their time than stand around the streets throwing flowers at each other?” I snarled, turning from the window. “Somebody should be keeping the kingdom during all this foolishness.”

  As usual, J. R. Grimble took it on himself to soothe me.

  “Your Majesty is simply nervous about the pending reception. I trust his wisdom will not allow his edginess to spillover onto his loyal subjects?”