The Music of Love

by Sandine Tomas

  He paused, breath shallow. Julian squeezed Zachary’s hand. “Go on,” he urged.

  “I was thirteen, last year of middle school, and Lance Brenner kissed me.” Zachary’s expression got impossibly soft. “And I liked it but still wigged. I didn’t—you know how it is—you don’t want that. All I wanted was to be ‘normal.’ But Lance said that was normal. That it was okay, and I… I kissed him back.”

  “Zach, baby, of course it’s okay.”

  Zachary stared at him a long moment. “Now, hindsight and it’s all different. Back then I was so scared. I think I stopped eating for two weeks. Lost weight. But I didn’t stop what was going on with Lance. Not that we did much, but you know….”

  Julian nodded.

  “Jaime knew something was up, kept pestering me. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore and I told him. He was surprised. But then he was cool, said I was young and maybe I’d grow out of it. But he also said if I didn’t, he’d still be my hermano. We called each other ‘brother.’ My whole family was worried because I was acting weird. And I guess my parents and aunt and uncle, they kept on at Jaime about what was wrong with me. He told them about my saying I liked boys. Well, he told his dad.”

  Julian swore under his breath.

  “Tió Juan flipped out. He just couldn’t take it. He and my mom argued. My folks, they weren’t…. My mom, she was great… always. Told me I was her son and she loved me and nothing would change that. Dad was shocked. He hung on to the ‘outgrow being gay’ idea, clung to that for a few years, in fact. Mom finally told him it didn’t work that way. She helped him to just accept. And we were good. Have been for years. But my tió, he never came around. He didn’t want Jaime hanging with me anymore. That split our families. Within six months he moved them all away. Jaime and I kept up by phone. But, I don’t know, eventually we just drifted. He always felt guilty for how it went down. And maybe I always resented him for it too.”

  “God, Zach. I’m sorry. I wish you’d have told me that before.”

  “I didn’t mean to keep it from you. It’s just that I haven’t seen them in years. They aren’t a part of my life anymore. I wanted you to meet my family. The family that matters to me.”

  “But your uncle and aunt are coming here? To see you?”

  Zachary nodded. “That’s what Dad told me. But then he asked me about your going to a hotel while they are here. Mom doesn’t agree, by the way. She told me that she thought Dad was being an idiot. God, I felt like I was thirteen again and he was giving me that same disappointed face. I thought we were past that. I thought he’d… but I guess not.”

  “Zachary….”

  “Do you think for one minute he’d ask my brother’s girlfriend to leave? I mean even before he married her. Jerry. His perfect, straight, eldest son?”

  “Maybe you just need to give your father some space. He only wants to bring his family back together.”

  “By excluding you? What part of ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with this man’ was unclear?” Zachary stood and paced, raking his hair back.

  There was a knock on the door, and Caitlin poked her head in. Zachary flew into her arms. After a moment she pulled back and looked them both over. “Julian,” she began softly. “I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve that, honey.”

  Julian tried to keep the bite out of his voice, but seeing Zachary hurt like this was unacceptable. “Zachary didn’t deserve it.” He turned back to his lover. “Zach. Whatever you want. We stay if you say so. We go if you say so. There’s only one thing I know for sure.”

  “What’s that?”

  “That whatever we do, we’re doing it together.”

  Zachary’s dimples appeared. First time he’d seen them in what felt like years. That smile. Was what Julian’s life was all about.

  Breaking through their stare, Caitlin said, “I’d like you both to stay.” Then she added with emphasis, “Here.” Her voice was firm and definitive, and Julian thought he could easily learn to love this woman.

  “What about Dad? And… Tió Juan?” Zachary asked, voice wavering.

  Caitlin stood tall. “They don’t like the company, they can go to a hotel.”

  Chapter 6

  IF JULIAN had thought Zachary was a tree when he first met him, Uncle Juan was a fucking redwood. Julian felt like a sapling. It was very disconcerting. Before even being introduced, the man looked Julian over with deep, nearly black eyes and immediately dismissed him as unworthy of attention. Julian decided on the spot to send his own uncle Ron tickets to a Cowboys game and his favorite taffy.

  He hung back as Zachary shook his uncle’s hand and took his aunt in a tepid hug. “How are Jaime and Maria?”

  “They are doing well. Jaime always asks about you,” Pamela said.

  Zachary didn’t reply, looked like he doubted it, and the moment ended in awkward silence. Juan hugged his brother and sister-in-law. Bree was next. Zachary’s older brother, Jerry, and his wife were arriving later that evening. Julian was told that Jerry was taller than Zachary. Great. He’d landed smack in the middle of The Land of the Giants. And Zachary’s uncle was giving him the stink eye like he was the annoying kid that needed rescuing every week.

  At the thunderous quiet, Julian blinked to see every gaze upon him. Oh shit. Zachary approached and put his arm around his shoulder. Before he could say anything, Geraldo burst out, “That’s Zachary’s friend, Julian.”

  Julian tensed. Zachary stirred next to him, body going tight in anger. “No. This is my boyfriend, Julian.”

  Pin drop? Hell, a mime could’ve been heard in that room. “Nice to meet you,” Pamela eked out.

  Juan said nothing, gave him another once-over and turned back to Zachary’s parents. “¿Ustedes permiten que se queden aquí… juntos?”

  Not that his Spanish was fluent, but Julian made out enough to know that the incredulous question had to do with their sleeping arrangements.

  Next to him, Zachary bristled. “I don’t think you heard me, Tió. Julian and I are committed. In fact, we are planning on getting married.”

  Juan laughed with no levity. “Not in the eyes of God. Thank goodness the church still has some sense.”

  Geraldo interrupted. “Now, Juan, you said you wanted to come over and see about putting our family back together. Said you’d be tolerant of Zachary’s… choices.”

  “Choices! So we’re still on that, are we? Like I decided to like boys! Like I wanted you to rip my best friend away from me for just being who I am.”

  Julian gently touched Zachary’s arm. “Zach….”

  “No, Jules, no. Nothing has changed. Dad, I know you wanted me to try, and I said I would, but I can’t try when he can’t accept me or Julian.”

  “Zach… Julian said he was okay with giving you some private time with your family. If he loves you, then it’s not such a big deal to offer that.”

  Zachary turned to Julian, hurt pouring off him like dark waves. “You told him that?”

  Julian tried not to squirm under that intense stare. “I only said that if you needed some time alone with your family, I’d be glad to go sightseeing or something for a few hours. Zach, your father’s right. It’s not a big deal.”

  “It is a big deal. It’s a huge deal. Jules—you are my family.”

  Zachary’s voice cracked, and he literally shook. Taking a deep breath, Julian decided he’d had enough of this family drama to last a lifetime. He needed to get Zachary out of there. “Yeah.” He turned to their audience. “We’re heading out now. Y’all decide what you want from this visit. We’ll be back later.” Zachary looked down at him with an expression of pure gratitude. Julian took Zachary’s hand and led him out the door and to their rental car.

  Julian pulled out of the driveway. “I don’t know where to go, so I’ll need directions.”

  “Anywhere. Doesn’t matter,” Zachary mumbled, head leaning against the window.

  Julian glanced over and swallowed down bitterness at how lost Zachary looked.
/>   He drove a few blocks before pulling over near a park. “Wanna walk?”

  They silently exited the car. “Talk to me,” Julian said.

  “What’s to say? You saw. Nothing’s changed. I guess I let myself believe….”

  They approached a small brick structure within the park. It was late afternoon and fairly quiet, but the blatant homophobia he’d just witnessed put Julian on edge. Perceiving enough privacy, he took Zachary’s hand in his. “Zach. Look at me.”

  Green-gold eyes met his, almost too beautiful for the pain they held. “I’ve been lucky. My family took my being gay in stride. Probably because I had so many other exasperating traits it just didn’t compete.” He tried to chuckle at the weak joke, but Zachary’s crushed stare made the sound die in his throat. “But that doesn’t mean I’ve never had to deal with discrimination.” He huffed bitterly. “Went to high school after all. I was dorky, into music and art, and gay. Not that I was out then. Wasn’t that brave. But some knew. Or guessed. Had my share of slurs. Fairy. Homo. Fag.”

  Zachary nodded. He’d heard it all too.

  “And it hurts each time. Doesn’t matter if it’s coming from an asshole. But it’s worse, so much worse if it’s coming from someone you love. When Tyler told me he didn’t want to tell his parents about us, I remember thinking that it would have been better if he’d just said he couldn’t stand me anymore. If he’d fallen out of love or admitted to never loving me at all. But he said I wasn’t worth it. That was the first time I really felt how being gay could limit me. Could take away choices and people and that the fear people felt could be twisted against me in such a vile way.”

  Zachary leaned in and pressed his forehead to Julian’s. “Meeting you is the best thing to ever happen to me. You are worth everything. And I’ll be damned before I let someone’s ignorance come between us, take one minute from us.”

  “Zach. You have me. That is never in question. But if there’s a chance to bridge some gaps with your family, I want you to take it.”

  “Why? When they aren’t accepting you?”

  “Because I don’t care about me. I care about you. If you and Jaime and his sister and your aunt and uncle can spend some time together, if they can learn who you are all over again, then maybe you can get something back that you’ve lost, and I’ll still be here. It’s not a matter of choosing, Zach. Don’t think of it that way.”

  “Maybe you are right,” Zachary said, considering. “Maybe I can try with them, and eventually they’ll see that we’re together and that’s that.” Zachary looked around at their solitude and then leaned in for a kiss. Julian felt himself sinking into the familiar warmth. Zachary pulled back and a shadow fell over his features. “Except who would they be getting to know, Jules?”

  Julian narrowed his eyes in confusion and remained silent, letting Zachary explain.

  “Every thought I have circles back to you, what you’d think, whether you’d like something, what you’re doing, feeling. I can’t control it. You’re just… there. Inside me.”

  Julian cocked an eyebrow, and Zachary blushed slightly. “Not like that. Although yeah, like that too.” He laughed softly. “Let’s say you do go shopping or something, and I go back and sit with my family and we make small talk. You’ll still be there. Otherwise I’ll be censoring myself every other second. So tell me, Jules, who would they be getting to know? ’Cause it sure as heck wouldn’t be me.”

  Julian didn’t know what to say. Zachary was unlike any man he’d ever met. And Zachary wanted Julian in a way that sometimes scared him with its intensity. He’d been on that intense need side of things in relationships before. But it had never been directed at him in the same way. He looked into Zachary’s chameleon eyes and watched the colors swirl as his emotions shifted. Julian lifted his hand and traced the outlines of Zachary’s sharp cheekbones and high forehead.

  “If only everyone saw what I saw,” he whispered. The air picked up a little and the heat shimmered around them. Julian saw notes in their pattern and started to hum almost unconsciously. It surprised him. He hadn’t seen a song in a very long while. It flitted in the air but started to fade. He fought to keep it.

  Zachary’s lips curved in a small smile. “You seeing a song, Jules?”

  Julian brushed Zachary’s hair back. The sound of it fluttering back down tempered the melody and added a soft riff. “So beautiful.”

  “Will it be a love song?”

  “Every song I write for you is a love song.”

  Zachary smiled fully. “Someone mean might call you a sap.”

  Julian smiled back. “Someone meaner might remind you of the flower petals all over our bed on Valentine’s Day.”

  “It seemed like a good idea. How was I to know they’d stick in odd places.”

  “Removing them was fun.”

  “Rose petals are quite tasty. Who knew?” He took a deep breath and stepped back. “Jerry and Sara are coming tonight. I’m looking forward to you meeting them.”

  The notes in the air vanished; too much emotion and turmoil. All the family talk. “Me too.” It wasn’t a complete lie, but Julian felt edgy nonetheless.

  Zachary raked his hair again, meant he was frustrated. “Just one more day of this, and then we’ll head home and can start planning our wedding and forget all this drama.”

  Julian nodded but found it hard to agree. Right. Because there’s never any drama involved in planning a wedding.

  THE GIRLS in the office took Julian in hand. Even the usually formidable Rhonda took time off from her power-driven mode to partake in wedding fever. Julian decided it was like a disease among women. Some sort of strange psychic illness that robbed them of their senses. He kept having to explain that there would be no wedding dress, given that they were both, you know, men. They’d look at him with a sad, glazed expression and say, “Oh. Right.”

  But then he’d find them later, still poring over wedding magazines that mysteriously were sprouting all over the office, oohing and ahhing over the gowns no one would wear. Zachary took it with his usual exuberant puppiness.

  Zachary cornered Julian in the coffee pantry early, waving a magazine in front of him. “See this one?”

  Julian frowned. “For the hundredth time, I am not wearing a wedding dress!”

  Zachary had the audacity to laugh at him. “No. Not that one. The tux. Think it would look good on me?”

  That sleek black ensemble? It was easy to picture on Zachary’s regal physique. Truth was Zachary looked good wearing anything. Hell, Zachary looked best wearing nothing, but he didn’t realize he said that out loud.

  “Yeah? Hmm. A nudist wedding.” Zachary struck a considering pose, gripping his chin. “I’d have to fight everyone off you, but it might be fun.”

  “Shut up, you freak.” He smirked. “’Sides, nobody would notice my skinny white ass with your honeyed muscles on parade.”

  Zachary grabbed his butt. “Not skinny. Just right. Fits in my hands just so… see?”

  Julian jumped away. “Zach! Not here.”

  Zachary looked around. “It’s 7:00 a.m. Nobody’s here yet. Only reason I’m here is because you make so much goddamn noise every morning primping, I might as well get up and ride in with you.”

  Julian’s lips pursed into a twist. “I do not primp.”

  He was met with laughter. “You would only hear that part.” Zachary’s face turned serious.

  “Jules, you’re here at seven every day. You leave well past nine most nights. Except for the metro ride in, I feel like I hardly see you anymore.”

  “We see each other all the time. We live together. We work together.”

  “I guess, yeah, I see you here. But I didn’t mean only that. And I know it’s not just you. I mean I have my classes and we’re both always so busy. We haven’t really made any wedding plans….”

  Julian swallowed down another strong gulp of coffee and felt his head start to solidify with every sip. “I wish I had more time too. Don’t you think I get fru
strated? There hasn’t been time for anything. This is the first time I’m managing the office through a big case. Stuart’s coming to a head soon. Harrison himself is riding my ass.”

  “Glad someone is.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing. Jules, I’m sorry. Never mind. You’re right.” Zachary turned and created a bunny fold on the page with the tuxedo he liked, before handing the magazine to Julian. “Think about the tux?”

  Julian took it and held it absently against his side, already thinking of the million details ahead of him that day. “Sure,” he said quickly.

  That afternoon, during five minutes when no one needed his attention, Julian picked up the magazine and looked at the bookmarked page again. Zachary would look magnificent in the tux. For the briefest moment, a tiny bit of the melody he’d heard looking into Zachary’s eyes in Texas flitted before him.

  Brian bellowed out his name. And it was gone.

  VOICES COMING through the doorway jarred Julian awake. He turned groggily in bed but without his glasses couldn’t make out the time on his bedside table. One thing was obvious, Zachary hadn’t been to bed yet since one of the two voices coming from the other room belonged to Zachary.

  “Zach, it’s always no.”

  “Went out tonight, didn’t I?”

  “Because I practically kidnapped you.”

  “Marc, keep your voice down. Jules’s sleeping. And he’s been working so hard.”

  “Yeah, wouldn’t want to wake the ball ’n’ chain.”

  “C’mon, man, it’s not like that.”

  Julian heard the thud of two grown men landing on a sofa.

  “I had to beg you to meet me tonight.”

  “School and work keeps me—”