The Music of Love

by Sandine Tomas

“You always had school and were juggling jobs, and you still found time for a life. I just… I get that Julian’s not much of a partier. But if he could keep you two locked in this apartment forever, I think he would.”

  Julian shuddered. He shouldn’t be hearing this. Shouldn’t be eavesdropping on Zachary’s conversation with his best friend. Julian was aware of how loyal Marc was to Zachary. It was a similar situation to himself and Gabe. They probably shared all kinds of confidences—his body trembled over what he might hear if they thought themselves private.

  Zachary’s voice finally broke through again. “Jules likes to go out.”

  “Yeah. With his musician friends—Gabe and Nick.”

  “It’s not—”

  “Yeah, it is. He comes out with us only when you drag him. And you know what? I don’t care. He doesn’t have to like me. I just want to be able to see you once in a while.”

  “Marc, I’m trying. Got classes. Midterms are up soon. Work’s a bitch and now that Julian’s in charge….”

  “Yeah, has he color-coded desk drawers so you know what pencil to pull out for which occasion. No, wait, that’s your underwear drawer.”

  Zachary let out a partial chuckle. “Fowler loves him.”

  Marc snorted. “I bet.” A pause. “So how’s the wedding planning coming? For that matter how are any life plans coming along?”

  “Well, nothing much has actually been done there…. Don’t look at me like that.”

  “I didn’t say anything.”

  There was silence. Julian squeezed the bedcovers and sucked in air.

  Marc spoke again after a long moment passed. “Okay, maybe I will say something. To hear you talk about Julian at work he can organize anything, but not what’s supposed to be the most important day of your lives?”

  “He’s been really busy.”

  “Zach, I only want the best for you—been watching your back since kindergarten. An’ I know how you feel about him. But from the start Julian messed with you, fuck, he got his straight friend to pretend to be his boyfriend just to keep you from asking him out.

  “But you know what, he explained all that, and Gabe apologized and it’s done. It’s just that you two are so different. As long as I’ve known you, you were on a mission—law degree, your own firm helping people, and settling down with someone who could be your partner in life. Right now, I’ve got a clearer life path than Julian, and that’s really saying something. I get that you’re taken with the eccentricity, creativity, call it what you want. But I call it flakiness and noncommitment. Hell, on the same damn night you proposed he tried to break up with you!”

  Julian heard a surprised huff from Zachary. Marc quickly kept going. “Yeah, I know about that. Meg told me because she’s worried. We all are. I know you want to get married, settle down, start a life.” There was another pause before Marc continued. “But he doesn’t, man. Meg and Soph think this too. They’re just too scared to tell you. But I told them I wasn’t, because I can’t stand you giving your all to someone who’s not ever going to be able to give his all back.”

  Julian knew the tremors were about to take over. His breathing was shallow and he couldn’t slow it down and couldn’t stop shuddering, and he needed his antianxiety medication right the fuck now. But he’d be damned if he went out there and let Marc see him like that.

  The noise in his head blocked out the rest of the voices outside. He didn’t know if Zachary said anything, if he’d bothered defending Julian any longer. And the bitch of it was that Marc wasn’t wrong. Because this wedding was scaring the shit out of Julian. Everything freakin’ turned him to jelly. Gabe said it was because he didn’t trust himself enough and his mother had gently called him high-strung. Maybe the doctor he’d seen was wrong with the anxiety diagnosis; maybe he also suffered from some sort of narcissistic syndrome.

  The trembling got worse as Julian sucked in oxygen too quickly. He needed his medication. He tried to stand, but it all spun out of control.

  “Jules! Are you okay? Did you fall out of bed?”

  Zachary hovered over him. “Yeah. I must have fallen. Must have been dreaming.”

  Zachary laughed, but it sounded false. “Falling dreams. Can’t remember what they mean.” Zachary held out a hand to help him up, eyes avoiding Julian’s. “Marc is here. We were having a few beers. Were we talking too loud? I know it’s really late. An’ work tomorrow. Shouldn’ta….”

  Julian crossed his arms warily. “You’re a grown man. Do what you want.”

  “Jules….”

  “Zach, I need to go to the bathroom.”

  Julian tossed on sweats and inhaled deeply. He could do this. A few short steps, and he’d reach the medicine cabinet and his antianxiety medicine.

  Zachary touched his arm and Julian shivered. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

  Julian shrugged out of Zachary’s grip. “Nothing.”

  He didn’t look into the living room as he raced to the bathroom and downed his pill. Fuck. His panic attacks had been infrequent for years but had started up again with the Texas trip. Or maybe before that. Maybe with the marriage proposal. Julian knew Zachary must suspect what was happening. He always knew when Julian was upset. Maybe he could convince Zachary it was just about work.

  Voices sounded again.

  “I called a cab.”

  “Yeah. Okay. I gotta get back to Julian.”

  “Did we wake him?”

  “No. I think he was dreaming. Fell out of bed.”

  Marc laughed, high and unpleasant. “Right, ’cause that’s normal. Maybe you can get one of those kid guard rails for your bed.”

  “Okay. That’s enough!”

  Julian started. He hadn’t heard Zachary yell at Marc before.

  “All night I’ve been putting up with your slights, warnings and, fine, I’m the first to admit Julian’s exacting as hell. And maybe he is annoying to work for and a pain to live with and too shy to socialize and has only two friends. But he looks at me and sees me in this way that makes me feel like nobody else exists for him. Being with him is not like being with anyone else, it’s intense and powerful, and it’s what I want. You have to trust me. It’s not one-sided. I get back more than I give a hundred times over.”

  Marc mumbled something Julian couldn’t make out and then the front door opened and shut.

  Julian took a drink of water before slipping out of the bathroom, hoping to get back to bed before….

  “I know you heard all that.”

  “Zach….”

  “I’m sorry. Marc overstepped.”

  Julian tried to still his nerves. The medication would kick in soon. It would be okay. But his adrenaline was still pumped, unsettling his stomach and heightening his defenses. “Too late to get into all this.”

  “Jules….”

  “Need to get back to bed. Wuh-work tomorrow.” Shit. Was it really that hard for Zachary to have Julian as a manager? Was he driving his boyfriend insane? He just wanted to do a good job, meet the expectations set. Had he been overbearing? Did they all hate him?

  His eyes started to fill and he hated the weak feeling, hated the never-ending fear of being incompetent. It was stupid to have accepted this position. He was going to succeed at this about as well as he did with his music career. He turned his back to Zachary and swiped angrily at his wet cheeks. Goddammit. This entire fucking thing was one huge mistake. He should have taken his own advice a year ago and stuck with one-night stands.

  In the bedroom, he didn’t return to bed but reached in the closet for clothes.

  “Where are you—?”

  “Going into the office.”

  “Julian. It’s two in the morning.”

  He pushed his legs into his suit pants and buttoned the shirt with unsteady fingers. “I’ll get a head start.”

  “On what?”

  Unexpected anger surged through him. “On driving everyone crazy!”

  “Jules. Don’t. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. You didn’t
do anything wrong.”

  He grabbed his jacket and walked past Zachary before he could say anything else. He made it to the front steps, made it down to the bottom step, in fact, before his body gave out again and he sat down and lowered his head and bit his bottom lip so hard that pain numbed.

  Zachary dropped onto the stair beside him, bare toes curling.

  “I’m so sorry. It kills me when I hurt you.” Zachary’s voice vibrated like a truck on asphalt.

  Sure, the medicine was kicking in, but that wasn’t the reason for the warmth in Julian’s veins, the squeeze in his chest—because Marc wasn’t all wrong. Except for one thing: Zachary absolutely had all of him. That was never the question. It was always a matter of whether that would be enough. He shut his eyes and listened for music. But the night was tomb silent.

  “Let’s go back inside, okay?”

  Julian let Zachary pull him up and give him a gentle push to turn around.

  But all the ways he was screwing up ricocheted through his brain until his alarm went off.

  Chapter 7

  HE HADN’T seen Gabe in two weeks. Felt like an eternity given that he was used to seeing his best friend every day.

  Zachary initially asked if they couldn’t maybe take the rare free night to talk about the wedding. Julian started to puff short and shallow breaths before Zachary took him in a hug and told him it was okay, to go see Gabe.

  He hugged Zachary back and asked his usual question. “Why do you put up with me?”

  “Because I love you, you idiot.”

  Zachary smiled at him, but his eyes were gray. Something was missing. Julian worked hard to not read anything into that. But by the time he met Gabe, he was working his way toward tailspin.

  Gabe listened to Julian’s panicked hemorrhaging while peeling the label off his beer bottle. The club was quiet as nobody was performing this weekday evening. They sat along the long wooden bar counter waiting for Nick as Neil Diamond’s classic “Sweet Caroline” played softly over their voices.

  “Maybe it’s just going to take Zachary a little longer. The rest got fed up after a year. Maybe it’s just catching up to him now. How annoying I am. And that’s why he’s pushing to get married so quick.”

  His friend scrunched his brows in disagreement.

  Julian persevered. “No. Think about it. It makes sense. He figures if he marries me, then he has to stick by me. Like, then he’ll have to keep his promise. He’s afraid if he doesn’t do it quick, he won’t want to. Ever.”

  “You, boy, are as crazy as a shithouse rat.” Gabe’s blue eyes held his captive.

  Julian took another drag of his beer. “I’m being nuts again.”

  “As a loon. But that’s why we all love you. Gotta be why Zach loves you. Can’t be that ugly mug o’ yours.” Gabe’s next question caught him by surprise. “Write any songs lately?”

  Julian met Gabe’s inquisitive stare. The answer was no. He couldn’t remember the last time a song had come to him. There didn’t seem to be time. Work was so busy. Demanding. And Zachary….

  Gabe looked away suddenly, face breaking into a grin, hand going up to wave to Nick, who was fast approaching. He shifted to another barstool, making room.

  Their friend stood very still in front of them, hands twisting in front of his belly. Nick glanced shiftily at Julian and then met eyes with Gabe. Something silent passed between them.

  Nick looked like he was deciding what to say. “Houston, we have a problem.”

  Gabe squeezed his shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

  Nick glanced at Julian again, and Julian’s stomach started to twist. “Is your family—?”

  “Yeah. They’re fine. It’s nothing like that. I got a call from Jimmy.” He paused, and explained further to Julian who didn’t know who that was. “The guitarist that was going on tour with us.”

  Gabe put his beer down and swiped a hand across his mouth. “Don’t tell me—”

  Waving down the bartender, Nick replied with a nod. “Conflict. Can’t do it. At least not now.”

  “Fuck. We worked hard finding that guy. And he was a great fit.” Gabe turned to Julian, voice animating. “Loved your songs like crazy. I mean it. He was asking what you had in the works. The songs went well with his voice, too. Goddammit.”

  “I’m sorry,” Julian said.

  Both Gabe and Nick nodded, but they’d already started conferring on the side about other possible musicians. But by then Julian had drifted off inside his own mind, stare fixated on Nick. Julian and Gabe had met fellow musician Nicholas Lewis in Portland. Nick had loved Julian’s songs and, well, their little trio was born, playing bars and small clubs. Nick had been the one to introduce Julian to David—the man who ultimately became the worst of Julian’s breakups. And while there was nothing he missed about David or the way he’d manipulated everything until Julian’s dependency was complete, there was one thing that was true about that time in Julian’s life. He’d never written more songs.

  Interrupting his friends, he blurted, “Remember David?”

  Julian was still haunted by memories of that day, their one-year anniversary, and David saying that they were done, that their relationship had been a waste of his time. That day, Julian had felt the floor melt away, a hole burning through his chest as the world vanished around him. He’d given that man everything. And he told Julian to go, leaving nothing but an empty cavern. But it was a long time ago. He’d fallen in love again since. Twice even.

  The left-field question got Gabe’s attention immediately. “What about that fucker?” he snarled. “You haven’t heard from him, have you?”

  Julian blanched. “No, nothing like that. It’s just that my anniversary brought up stuff and just now when you said that the guitarist liked my songs.” He swallowed, unsure where his thoughts were leading. “I haven’t been writing—do you remember how I was with him? All the songs?”

  Expression softening, Gabe said, “Sure, some of your best. But cowboy, that dude was bad news.”

  Nick nodded. “And you have other things now. Your job and Zach.”

  The job. Julian had felt good about the promotion. It was nice to be appreciated. And he was working so hard to live up to their expectations. They were good to him at Harrison, Kim, and Fowler. Except the hours were nuts. Pretty much everyone but Rhonda left before he did and nobody got in earlier than he and Zach. But that was his choice. To do a good job. It was who he was.

  And they knew that.

  “Julie?” Gabe started. “I know that look. It’s the one that means you’re thinking crazy thoughts.” Patting his back, he advised, “Don’t start driving yourself nuts. Got some steady income, compared to our hand-to-mouth, that’s gotta feel good. And you have a good man. Plan yourself a super wedding, and Nick and I will be there with bells on.”

  “Yeah, of course, Zachary’s the best.” He tilted his beer bottle up to them. “Let’s toast to my happily ever after.” The niggling discontent was just a product of his imagination. It had to be.

  THEY DIDN’T nail a wedding date. And Julian knew that procrastinating was just as good as making a decision. Doing nothing led to nothing.

  On top of this, Stuart v. Bennigan wasn’t settling. With the court date a week away, it was all hands, all the time, and Julian was lucky to even glance at Zachary before collapsing in bed for a few hours a night. Even Mother Nature seemed to conspire to keep the mood somber. It had been raining on and off and cloudy for most of the week.

  Julian stumbled into the apartment wet, cold, hungry, and so tired he found he didn’t care about the other three, just wanted to put his head down pretty much anywhere.

  “Jules?”

  “Why are you awake?”

  Zachary sat up on the sofa. “Was too tired to sleep.”

  Julian nodded. Understood.

  “Brian get his opening statement finished?”

  Julian grunted something that might have been yes. Julian wasn’t a lawyer, but Brian still ran all his arguments
by him. Said something about Julian’s mind working like nobody else’s and how he always saw the flaws. Whatever. All he knew was that it was two in the morning and he was having difficulty removing his shoes.

  Zachary suddenly loomed over him. “You’re soaked.”

  “Forgot my umbrella in the office. Was too tired to go back for it.”

  “Jesus.” Zachary disappeared and returned a few moments later with a towel. He bent down and helped Julian get rid of his sodden shoes and socks, running the towel over his squishy toes. Next, he manhandled him into the bedroom and disposed of the rest of his clothes.

  The cold kicked back in and Julian shivered. The best arms in the world surrounded him. “C’mere, baby.”

  They stood embracing a few minutes before Julian felt his legs waver. Zachary shifted him onto the bed. “Do you want to eat anything?”

  Julian scooted under the blanket, fighting another shudder. “Hug,” he managed to squeak out.

  Zachary wrapped his octopus arms around him and pressed him to his side. Julian wriggled his nose against the soft flesh under Zachary’s chin. He was just about asleep when Zachary murmured above him.

  “I miss the sky.”

  “Huh?”

  “Home. The way the sky never stops. You know? And that blue that talks to your soul.”

  Julian burrowed deeper. “Yeah. Blue. When y’re happy,” he slurred.

  “What?”

  “Blue. So bright. Y’eyes. Happy. Best color.” A little snippet of melody meandered near.

  Zachary may have said something, but Julian was too close to sleep to hear it. He felt a final, tight squeeze that warmed him bone-deep and then let himself just go.

  ON THE opening day of the trial, Julian found himself alone in the office. The other paralegals were law students and wouldn’t have missed being in the courtroom for anything.

  He was in the file room on his knees, surrounded by paper, silently cursing Jack’s inability to alphabetize—despite Julian’s personally singing the ABC song to him while Zachary snickered in the background—when a voice called his name unexpectedly behind him.