The Music of Love

by Sandine Tomas

  The apartment was stuffy and Julian walked around opening windows before settling on the sofa to wait.

  Zachary didn’t stay out late. Julian had just popped open his second beer when the door creaked open. His crisis was spent now. Mostly he felt drained, used, and spit back out. Didn’t know what he wanted. Only what he needed.

  He powered the TV off and turned to face Zachary, drawing his hand around the back of his own neck, feeling the tension quiver beneath clenched muscles. So many things to say. So, of course, Zachary didn’t let him say a word. Derailing his psyche with a battering ram.

  “What. The. Fuck? I told myself I wasn’t gonna fight with you. Wasn’t going to come home until I calmed down. Was going to pull a ‘you’ and head to Marc’s for the night, not a secret it would make him happy if I left your bat-shit crazy ass. Was going to drink myself to oblivion and fall into Marc’s sofa and hope I didn’t choke on my own vomit. But I had one fucking beer with Brian and Rhonda and Kat and I left them sitting there in the bar. So I could ask you that.”

  “Zach….”

  “No. ’S my turn. We were good. Not perfect. Nothing’s perfect. But we were really good. And then you come home one night and out of fucking nowhere turn my world upside down. Law school? Why are you even thinking about that? When you asked that I couldn’t even believe…. I mean, I’ll always back you. You know that. Whatever. But that’s not you. You don’t want that. The law, she’s precise and beautiful in her own way, but it’s a different kind of beauty. I see it, not you. You see something else. You are something else. This is why I don’t understand where any of this is coming from. Is it for me? Are you trying to become something you aren’t for me? Because I’d never ask that. I’d never want that. All I want is the man I fell in love with.

  “Instead I come home yesterday to find, I don’t know what, it’s like you were missing, even the way you looked at me… or didn’t look at me, like I was the one to suddenly become someone else? And then instead of telling me what the hell is going on, you up and left.”

  Stunned, Julian stared hard. Zachary’s face was a combination of harsh and desperate, sure and needy. Hard angles and unforgiving curves. Sloe eyes beaming gold-brown, anxious and scared and jackrabbiting across Julian’s face… searching. Not letting go.

  “You’re right. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have doubted you. Never.”

  Puzzled brows rose. “Doubted me how?”

  “Not like—It’s not important, because I was wrong, so wrong. I let my fears get the better of me again, listening to everyone and anyone instead of myself.”

  Zachary held his gaze like he had a thousand times before. A stare that never quit. He came closer and collapsed next to Julian on the sofa, air leaving him in a whoosh. “Oh, thank God, you’re looking at me like I’m me again. Now, please talk to me. What is going on?” A warm hand tilted his chin back up, eyes glowing grassy-sunshine. Not angry any longer but definitely wary and watching intently.

  “I got too comfortable with the job,” Julian said. “The money was nice. And I like all the people. Then. You were there. I loved being with you, getting to see you, hear your laugh over the cube walls. So I can’t pinpoint when it slipped, when the tilt happened, but I’ve been drowning. Only slowly. Like sliding into quicksand. It was getting darker and blander. Zach, it was fading.”

  “Your music.” Not a question. And Julian cursed himself for doubting, for not understanding that of course Zachary would say he’d support Julian in anything he wanted to try. That saying he’d support Julian going to law school didn’t mean he wanted that for Julian.

  Zachary nodded and exhaled, cheeks still pale and edgy. “Where did the law school business come from? I know it’s not your idea.”

  “Timothy came back to the office yesterday when everyone was gone. I’d been locked up in the file room, and he surprised me. He stood there a few moments watching me with the files all over the floor, and I guess it just took me outside of myself. I saw what I imagined he saw: an overpaid file clerk. And as he stood there all I heard was silence.”

  Zachary’s eyes flickered molten gold under the side table lamp’s incandescent glow. “Why didn’t you tell me you were so unhappy?” He pushed his hair back with a frustrated swipe. “How come I didn’t know?” That last was said with self-anger, and Julian couldn’t have Zachary blaming himself.

  “I keep a lot inside. Sometimes even I don’t realize it until it kinda boils over.”

  “What raised the temperature?” Zachary asked, continuing the metaphor.

  “Timothy. He didn’t mean to make me tailspin. He was being nice, complimentary even. Said I’d make a great lawyer, suggested law school, said it was the next step and that—that you’d approve.”

  Reacting like a dog with a stepped-on tail, Zachary scoffed, “Talk about your ‘gotcha’ questions.” He narrowed his gaze. “If you’d explained any of this, I would never have said what I did about—”

  “I know,” Julian said. “I’m an idiot. I’m sorry.”

  “Did talking to Gabe help?”

  Even with his perpetual emotional ineptitude, Julian could sense the slight jealousy sharpening Zachary’s tone. “In a way, we played our guitars together mostly. I think I needed that the most, some space where no one was expecting anything or tossing case files my way or asking me to help with a statement or brief. It helped me come to a decision.” He stopped to take a final breath because he really didn’t know what was going to happen next. “I gave Brian my two weeks’ notice.”

  Zachary looked shocked. “What? So what will you—”

  “Gabe offered to let me tour with him and Nick, to officially rejoin The Last Cowboys. Zach, I think I’ve needed this for a while. Only, things were moving fast with us and, baby, I’m sorry. So sorry. I just don’t want to get married.”

  “Ever?”

  “What?”

  Zachary leaned in, eyes glistening but no tears fell. “See I’m not you. I need things super clear, need to hear it spelled out, need to hear the words. So if this is you saying, ‘Zachary, I don’t love you. I don’t want to marry you ever. Get out of my life,’ just say it.”

  Julian felt the denial in every fiber of his body. “I can’t say that. Can’t imagine ever saying that. That’s not what I…. I’ll always love you.”

  The exhale Zachary took was visible. He kept his voice low and slow. “So, you want to tour with Gabe and Nick? For how long?”

  “About three months.”

  “Can I have you back after that?”

  “You’d want me back after that?”

  “It’s a good thing you’re practically a genius because really, you’re too stupid to live.”

  “What?”

  “All this time. You’ve been too scared to tell me you don’t want to marry me right now?”

  Julian looked up at this from where he’d been plucking at a string in his flannel pajama bottoms. Well, yeah. Because Zachary wanted to get married sooner and he couldn’t give him that and that meant… had to mean something. Didn’t it? He stared at Zachary again. Zachary’s eyes were a burning blue.

  Zachary continued. “You still don’t get it. How I feel about you? How much I love you. I hurt with it. Breathe it with every beat of my heart. I’d do anything for you. I’d die for you. And you’re afraid to ask me to let you do something you love? But you have to tell me if you feel the same. If you want to share your life with me. That’s all this was ever about for me. I don’t care when. I just care if.”

  Words bubbled in Julian’s throat and tears pooled and nothing ultimately came out that made any sense. He reached out and pulled Zachary’s lips to his instead, because Zachary drove him out of his mind, out of his body and into a space that fed his soul.

  “I love you so much.” He pulled back to watch Zachary’s eyes lighten to that perfect beautiful shade of blue. Something special. Something endless. “My entire warped mind, body, and soul. I love you. Always. And I absolutely. Positively.
Will marry you.” He paused and smiled. “One day.”

  Zachary laughed between tears and held him close enough to feel every heartbeat. Julian listened to it thump warmly against his own. The rhythm smooth and safe and everything.

  Chapter 8

  JULIAN BEGAN his last two weeks at Harrison, Kim, and Fowler with a bittersweet heart. He knew he was doing the right thing. But the butterflies from surrendering a good-paying, steady job for months on the road with Gabe and Nick and a drummer they were talking about adding to the group. And no Zachary. It was easy to talk about needing to get away and another to actually be away.

  Zachary appeared in his doorway. “Kat and Jack are planning your goodbye party.”

  “No. C’mon, dude. Talk them out of it. No party. Please.” At Zachary’s stubborn gaze, Julian sighed in resignation. “When?”

  “On your last day. There’ll be something here—firm’s doing that. But that Friday night will be the real party.”

  He looked up at Zachary. “Come as my date?”

  Zachary grinned back. “You asking me out?”

  “Looks that way.”

  “Only if I get to take you home and have my way with you when it’s over.”

  “Better ply with me tequila, then. Works every time.”

  Zachary chuckled as the phone rang.

  “Want me to screen it?” Zachary asked with a wink as he reached for the line. “Julian Wallace’s office.” Zachary pouted as he mumbled “one moment” and “I’ll find him” before he slapped down the Hold button. “Brian.” Zachary looked at him steadily, holding out the phone’s receiver, clearly ready to leave. “I’ll talk to you later.”

  Julian didn’t have to think. “Tell him I’m not here.” What the hell, not like Brian could fire him, and this really was a little white lie.

  Zachary’s eyes glimmered in delight and love. “You know what, Brian, I’m sorry, I dashed in to answer, but Kat said Jules stepped out. Probably for a coffee fix.” Whatever reply he got led to a soft chuckle. He placed the receiver back down and looked at Julian with a heavy-lidded gaze.

  Standing, he joined Zachary on the other side of his desk and flicked the lock on the door with his own dark look. They never really allowed this in the office. But fuck it. He was leaving anyway. He brought his lips to Zachary’s and let the passion flow, licking inside and drinking in Zachary’s sweet coffee-sugar-donut taste. He felt his arousal grow hot and heavy inside his pants. “I want you.”

  Zachary panted against him. “Cuh-can’t here.”

  Julian forced himself away, sucking in air. “I know. Just.” He met Zachary’s equally turned-on stare. “I love you.”

  Zachary backed him against the door, blocking the view from the office’s open glass panel and pressed his groin against Julian’s. Oh. That was really unfair. Panting, he pushed in for another slow, aching kiss that melted his heart to a gooey drip. Despite how turned-on he was, he knew he had to let Zachary go. Reluctantly they parted and Zachary stood in the doorway, smile lighting the world, while Julian walked back around to his seat.

  “Oh, Zach?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Please don’t work late tonight.”

  “You got it, boss.”

  BY MIDWEEK, Gabe had announced that they’d finalized their new drummer, Tony, bringing the reality of their touring that much closer. They’d arranged to all meet in one of The Last Cowboys’s regular Georgetown club bars. Zachary and Julian were meeting Gabe and Nick and Tony for drinks. This time, instead of Neil Diamond, the poetic rapping of Jay-Z met Julian and Zachary as they approached the table where Gabe and Nick were holding court. Zachary had cajoled until Julian agreed to having Meg, Sophia, and Marc meet up with them too.

  Exhaustion slowed Julian’s steps as much as reluctance to dealing with Marc again. Julian’s work ethic kept him hyperbusy since he didn’t want to leave the team in a lurch. They hadn’t hired a replacement yet. Earlier that day in Julian’s office, Timothy had stopped by to express again how very sorry he was to see him go.

  “Sorry you won’t see the trial through.” He rubbed his bald head. “Damn, I really was hoping we’d talk you into law school.”

  Julian’s stomach curled in on itself at leaving in the middle of a case, fueling the perpetual doubt that he was doing the right thing.

  Zachary had passed by the office just then, and Timothy waved him in. “Was just telling Jules that he should think about going for the bar. Think you can convince him?”

  Holding Julian’s scrutiny, Zachary maintained a neutral expression, although the twinkle couldn’t quite be contained. “Julian would make a fine lawyer. But then the world would lose his beautiful music.”

  Now, settling into the wooden seat and taking in the assortment of drinks peppering the table, Julian twisted to face Zachary, remembering that intense gaze. He didn’t deserve Zachary. But he thanked every deity there might be that Zachary had exploded into his life. Meg suddenly appeared behind Julian, squeezing Zachary tightly around the shoulders before giving Julian an air-light peck on the cheek.

  “Feels like forever,” she chastised her tall friend.

  Zachary looked immediately contrite. “Been super busy with this case, Meg.”

  “Yeah? How’s it going?”

  “They start their defense next week.”

  She nodded before turning to Julian, eyes narrowing. “And I hear you’re leaving?”

  Julian gulped slightly. “Yuh-yes. Well, for a while. Touring with my friend’s band—you know, Nick and Gabe—um, The Last Cowboys.” As he spoke he pointed to the other end of the table.

  Her attention stayed on Zachary, gauging his reaction, how he was taking it. Zachary squeezed his thigh a moment. “Meg… this is something Julian needs. Not gonna say it doesn’t suck that he’ll be away. But it’s what he needs,” he repeated, as if that explained everything.

  Taking a seat on Zachary’s other side, she leaned into him, speaking as if they were alone, as if Julian wasn’t right there. “And what do you need, Zach?”

  Zachary straightened in surprise, maybe that she was doing this here, in public. Or that she was doing it in front of Julian. But then Julian realized Meg hadn’t had a choice. She and Zach didn’t have any classes together this semester, and she’d just said she hadn’t seen him in some time.

  “I need my boyfriend happy,” Zachary answered evenly. “Need him surrounded by music.”

  Julian couldn’t have loved Zachary any more than he did that minute.

  “Be nice if he wanted you happy once in a while too.” Marc’s voice broke through the bar’s murmur and the strong thumping of Julian’s heart. Where the hell had he come from? Julian hadn’t seen him approach.

  “Marc, c’mon man. If we’re going through all this shit again, then you might as well go home.” Zachary sounded agitated. Julian squirmed.

  Sophia stepped from behind and squeezed Marc’s arm, urging him to sit on her other side. “Marc. Please don’t. We spoke about this. Zach says he knows what he’s doing, and we have to respect that.” She turned to Julian and Zachary and said earnestly, “I’m sorry, Jules. That wasn’t fair.”

  Ignoring Zachary’s friends, Julian whispered in Zachary’s ear, “I want you happy too.” Zachary turned and gave him a reassuring grin. It didn’t really reach his eyes, and Julian’s stomach started to churn.

  And that’s when Tony, the new drummer appeared. “Folks.” Gabe stood and presented him in his low purr of a voice. “Everyone—this is Tony.”

  After the introductions concluded, Tony settled directly across from Julian. “Heard a lot about you, dude. Wrote some nice tunes for my man.” He beamed down the table at Gabe when saying that. Tony was husky, not as tall as Zachary or even himself but broad shouldered and very solid. He had light eyes, like Gabe and Nick, only in more of a muted gray. His complexion had an olive undertone that suggested Mediterranean roots.

  The table was buzzing as everyone ordered drinks. Marc kept leaning forwa
rd on his elbows to give him this icy-cold stare. Julian met Gabe’s eyes and silently made a request. The tequila shots started arriving quickly thereafter.

  For a while there were two sets of conversations going on. Gabe, Nick, and Tony were discussing the upcoming engagements, new arrangements they wanted to try, and some traveling logistics. Julian tried to stay involved. But then Zachary would lean in and draw him into the other conversation. Those revolved around law classes and stories about the customers in the throwback record and video store Marc owned. Then the talk turned to Texas, and Marc and Zachary fell into a long walk down memory lane.

  That drew Gabe’s attention and finally the two sides of the table collided over the superiority of Ziegenbock beer, the Cowboys, and competing descriptions of the hottest Texan day they’d ever known. Gabe drawled out his description of one particularly sweltering summer day. “It was hotter than a blistered pussy in a pepper patch.”

  Zachary’s laughter rang loudly even in the noisy bar. His own twang came out as he fought back with, “Was it hotter than a two-dollar pistol?”

  Julian joined in. “Was it as hot as blue blazes?”

  Gabe growled, “You boys makin’ fun o’ me?”

  Julian leaned over, puckering his lips toward Gabe. “Nah. You know I love you.” He snickered. “Even if you are uglier than a mud fence.”

  “Son, you all hat, no cattle.”

  Zachary was cackling so hard he was having trouble breathing.

  “Aww, aren’t you three cuter than a bug’s ear.” All eyes turned to Nick. “What? Don’t have to be Southern to know dumb sayings.”

  Tony studied them all with amusement. “Well if this isn’t the queerest conversation ever, I don’t know what is. Shit, I’m turning fag just listening to you all.”

  The table got quiet. Tony looked around, confused. Zachary answered politely. “Julian and I are gay. We know you didn’t mean anything by it, but that term’s just not cool, okay?”

  Tony’s face flushed. “What?”

  “What what?” Zachary and Julian said at the same time.