The Music of Love

by Sandine Tomas

  Gabe spoke next, jaw hard and stare deadly serious. “We have a problem?”

  Tony twisted in his seat. “I don’t…. How come you didn’t tell me, man?”

  “Didn’t think I had to. It’s Julian’s choice to tell, and I figured he would after you met.” There was another pause. Gabe’s eyes darkened at Tony’s ongoing squirming. “We got a problem?” he repeated, punctuating each word very slowly.

  Another long silent moment passed as Tony seemed to look inward. “It’s just…. Look, I don’t care what you do at home, but on the road, we… shit, you know how it is…,” he pleaded with Gabe. “On top of each other 24-7, I just, I think this won’t work out. I’m sorry, dude.” He reached in his wallet and dropped some bills on the table before giving a slightly shamed look at Julian and then nodding to Nick and Gabe before quickly walking away.

  Zachary stared after him. “I can’t believe—”

  Meg chirped, “What a jerk.” Sophia quickly agreed. Marc was quiet, but his lips twisted in distaste.

  Nick’s mouth drooped, shell-shocked. Gabe turned to Nick, squeezing his bicep and mumbling a long drawn, “Shit.”

  Julian felt like his chair was sinking into mud. Gabe had raved about Tony, said he was fantastic. Now they had one week to replace him. Great. Julian’d been back with Nick and Gabe’s band for five minutes and already he was freakin’ Yoko.

  Standing on shaky legs, he said, “Oh my God, Gabe, Nick—I’m sorry.” He looked toward Tony’s retreating back. “Maybe I can….”

  Gabe peered up at him. “Relax, Julie. He’s a moron. Better off without him.”

  Julian shook. “No. It took you months—months—to find someone. And now, fuck, we’re supposed to leave in a week!”

  Zachary tried to pull on his arm, but Julian snagged it away. This was all his fault. It was a stupid idea to agree to join Gabe’s band. Fuck. Now he was screwing up the band before he even played one note. He felt the tremors first, sucked in air quickly, and knew he was getting dizzy.

  Shoving his chair back, he headed toward the door. Scuffling sounded behind him before Gabe’s deep voice hit his back. “I got it, Zach.”

  Dammit. He didn’t want Gabe to follow him; he just wanted to breathe.

  Coming outside wasn’t the brightest idea. Washington, DC, cooked up quick. Fuck, it was only June and it was sweltering. Nothing to breathe but wet heat. A hand touched his shoulder.

  “Gabe. I-I’m sorry, man.”

  “Dude, stop it. Not your fault.”

  Julian turned, face reddening. He stared down at his friend. “Yes, it is. It sure as fuck is my fault. Guy’s an asshole. But. If I hadn’t been joining you, you’d still have a drummer. He may be a dick, but you said he played fantastic. This is a fucking disaster.”

  “Julie, now why would we want that dick in our band? How long till I woulda introduced his nose to the inside of his skull? Ask yourself that, cowboy?”

  Julian couldn’t help but chuckle. “Not too long.”

  “Got that right.”

  “But what are we going to do?”

  “Got some runner-ups I can call. Nick and I will take care of it. You finish out your week at work and don’t worry yourself over it.”

  “But—”

  “Hey. We gonna stand out here all night or go have ourselves some drinks? Asshole left behind enough for another round at least. C’mon.”

  Julian held his ground. “Gabe, if you want you can call him back and tell him I’m not—”

  “Don’t even say it. Not an option.”

  He met steel-blue eyes, same ones that took a skinny, freckled, four-eyed geek under his wing and never let anyone bully him. Gabe wrapped one arm around him and pulled him in fast before releasing him just as quick. “You coming in?”

  Julian sighed. “Just let me have another minute, okay?”

  Gabe considered him a moment and then returned inside.

  It didn’t take long for the door to open again. Julian knew who it was by the length of the shadow approaching him. “Hey.”

  “Hey.”

  Strong arms pulled him in. “Sorry about that.”

  Julian looked up. “Yeah. Me too.”

  “Guy was an asshole.”

  “Yep. Seems to be the consensus.”

  “Gabe gonna be able to find someone else in time?”

  Julian shrugged. “I guess. Gabe and Nick know a lot of musicians. I mean they’ve been playing for years.”

  They stood leaning into each other a little longer. A couple approached, giving them a quick glance before sidestepping them to enter. Julian moved back from Zachary. “You think it’ll ever just be nothing?”

  “What do you mean?” Zachary asked.

  “Seeing a couple like us—do you think we’ll reach the point when it’s not even noticed?”

  “God, I hope so.”

  “Used to wish I wasn’t gay.”

  Zachary looked at him. “Yeah?”

  He met Zachary’s gaze, held his head high. “Thought it’d be easier.”

  Zachary nodded, answering honestly, “Probably would be.”

  He studied the man in front of him. So beautiful. Couldn’t imagine not wanting him. “I can never regret loving you.”

  Zachary leaned in and kissed him briefly, warm lips promising more when they were alone. “Come back in before Gabe comes back out.” He smiled. “He’s a protective son of a bitch.”

  Julian let out a small laugh. So was Zachary, but he wasn’t going to say anything. He was lucky and he knew it. “Yeah. But I’m sure Marc’s missing me to the point of tears.”

  “He’s jealous. Thinks I love you more.”

  “Do you?”

  Zachary sobered at that and Julian felt guilty. It was a dumb question. It’s not like this was a competition. After all, Julian himself loved both Gabe and Zachary—only differently.

  He was about to take back the question when Zachary answered. “Yeah. But let’s not tell him, okay?”

  Julian let the heat of that warm him through the rest of the evening.

  THE GOODBYE party the following week was more fun than Julian would have expected. But Julian was leaving Sunday morning. That meant tonight and Saturday night and then no more Zachary. For months.

  They’d gathered at The Tombs in Georgetown, more college bar than anything else, but well, a lot of them were students. Once everyone had dug into the wings and the beer pitchers replenished, Julian stood. “Thank you all. I….” He suddenly felt tight-throated, looking around at the folks with whom he’d shared the past couple of years. They’d started as strangers, work colleagues, but now they were friends. And he’d miss them.

  Harrison, Kim, and Fowler had been good to him. They’d let him stay sharp and stretch his mind around problems beyond his songs. And of course, he’d met Zachary there. It had been his own inability to compartmentalize that really led to the music meltdown. Brian was married and while Julian had only met Joan once or twice, they seemed happy. Timothy was divorced; Julian refused to let that seem like an omen. Kat was too busy with her studies for dating, or so she claimed. He didn’t know much about Jack’s love life, not that he’d ever asked to be honest. Besides, what did it matter, Julian was leaving.

  “I’m gonna miss you assholes.”

  Everyone laughed.

  It took a while to extract themselves as everyone wanted to hug him and make him promise to keep in touch by phone and text. He wished them well with the Stuart case and told them to call him if they needed help, which led to more chortles. Finally, Zachary’s strong arm pulled him forward, and without turning around, he left the bar.

  “You okay?” Zachary asked as soon as they reentered the humid street.

  Julian stopped and took a slightly damp breath. “Yeah. I am.” He took stock and looked at Zachary. “Leaving them, the job, it’s hard, but it feels okay.” Leaving you, on the other hand. But he didn’t talk about that. Not yet. They still had two nights. He wasn’t going to freak out a
nd ruin it. Wasn’t going to be so annoying Zachary wouldn’t want him to come back.

  THEY SPENT most of Saturday in bed. Zachary snuck out in the morning and surprised Julian with muffins from their favorite bakery. Julian forced the food down a throat so strangled, he didn’t think a doctor could get a breathing tube in him if his heart stopped from the pain. Their kisses were slow and deep, tasting of coffee and blueberries and Zachary’s chocolate chips. The taste of chocolate was permanently linked to kissing Zachary.

  Neither spoke of the elephant in the room. They traded hand jobs and blowjobs but didn’t make love because neither wanted a last time. It was clear Zachary was making a concerted effort to remain upbeat. Constantly saying how good this was for Julian, how he should follow his dream and that’s all that counted. All that mattered.

  “We’ll be okay,” Zachary said definitively into the quietness. A glance at the bedside clock showed Julian that dinnertime was fast approaching. He swallowed the “last supper” thought down.

  Julian lifted himself over Zachary, making an on-the-spot decision. Zachary’s assurance had been positive, but for the first time his tone was shaky. He breathed into Zachary’s mouth, “Zach… wanna fuck you. Now.”

  They’d been needy with each other before, but Zachary was practically trembling, and Julian couldn’t deny him one more second. He pushed in fully, pressing them together before moving back out nearly all the way and starting a slow rock against each other. Zachary locked gazes with him like he always did when they made love, but this felt different. Zachary’s eyes were smoky dark and shimmering wet, and Julian didn’t know what he was seeing, and it scared him a little. For a crazy moment as his body thrust into the man he loved he thought maybe this was goodbye. That he wouldn’t have this again. He begged Zachary to deny it, but those wet eyes didn’t seem to be saying anything else.

  Julian blinked, emotions too much, too heavy. Zachary bucked beneath him. “No.” He felt the surge of his lover slamming himself upward, drawing more of Julian inside, and mouthed what? silently. “You’re not leaving me,” Zachary said. His voice was rough, like he’d swallowed dirt. Huge hands ground into Julian’s ass, pushing him deeper inside his lover with each harsh stroke. “Not. Leaving….”

  Zachary twitched violently between them, pleasure spurting to cover both their chests. Julian bent lower and latched his teeth on Zachary’s throat, thrusting hard, pistoning in and out madly, the only thing keeping him tethered to the planet being the depth of their connection, soaring into a thunderous crescendo. “Zach….” He hissed as his balls pulled up and his body exploded in a burst of mercurial heat.

  For a long moment all that existed was the rushing of blood in his ears.

  Then Zachary shifted beneath him. “Heavy,” he mumbled.

  Julian pulled off and collapsed on the mattress. An arm reached for him, and he turned instantly into it.

  “Jules?”

  “Mm?”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean. Of course, you have to go. This is good for you, and I-I support your joining The Last Cowboys. You know I do.”

  “Zach—”

  “No, Julian. It’s important that you know this. I believe in you so much.”

  “Zachary….”

  Zachary pulled up onto one elbow and looked down at Julian. “What?”

  “I’m going to miss you too.”

  His boyfriend dropped against him, face buried in his shoulder. He didn’t need to hear Zachary’s hitched breath to know what was happening. Julian swallowed hard and fought for control, but dammit, it felt like he was cutting himself in pieces. Like only some of him was getting in that van with Gabe and Nick because Zachary possessed the rest.

  “Keep me with you,” Zachary whispered, kissing his chest like a feather. “Here.”

  “I was just thinking that,” he said. “Yes. Always.” He withdrew his arm from Zachary just long enough to splay his palm over Zachary’s heart. “Here,” he repeated.

  They stayed like that for a long while. As the sun started to set, Zachary sucked in a deep breath and said, “We should wash up and get some dinner.”

  “Yeah.” Julian rose slowly, muscles tired from lying around. He’d felt better for a few moments knowing that Zachary wanted to stay in Julian’s heart just as much as he wanted to stay in Zachary’s. But they’d be apart for months. Both Gabe and Nick had toured before at separate times in the past, and they’d shared it was hard to maintain anything like a normal relationship. Julian wasn’t naïve. Love wasn’t always enough, and this was undoubtedly the biggest gamble of his life.

  He needed to go for himself. And he needed to stay because he needed to be with Zachary.

  There needed to be two of him. If only cloning was perfected already. But with his luck instead of one clone for each life, both clones would have the same impossible needs and it would just hurt twice as much.

  Except that wasn’t possible.

  Chapter 9

  JULIAN DIDN’T meet Lenard, the replacement drummer, until Gabe pulled the van up to the front door. Frankly, he’d forgotten all about the new guy. His mind had been elsewhere. He drew a deep breath and didn’t look back at the closed front door of his apartment. Zachary had said goodbye inside. Not that Zachary had said much, just uttered, “Can’t watch you drive away.”

  Julian had understood. Picked up his guitar and forced his eyes forward. One look back and he’d never be able to do this.

  Gabe had gotten his hands on a beat-up yellow trailer to haul the band instruments around, and Julian swung his guitar case onto the top of the tightly packed gear, then went to the unoccupied front passenger seat. It was a little bit like coming home. After all, he’d ridden in Bessie from Boise to Portland to Los Angeles to Washington, DC. The same red pine tree air freshener was hanging from the rearview mirror, and the seat belt still needed to be coaxed to retract before it would pull out.

  “Julian, this is Lenard. Lenard, Julian.”

  Julian twisted around to offer a handshake to the new band member, only to stop cold in perplexity at the blue Mohawk on the skinny kid who had to be older than he looked, right? Because he looked about sixteen.

  Julian couldn’t stop himself from blurting his thought out loud. “Are you old enough to play in bars?”

  Gabe and Nick laughed, but Lenard looked annoyed as he muttered, “I’m fucking twenty-four, man.”

  “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean…. Gee, I bet you get carded a lot….” Julian trailed off as Lenard’s scowl deepened.

  Julian turned back to the front, positive his face was flushing. Way to go, piss this drummer off too.

  “Hey, Len, you’ll appreciate it when you’re forty and you still get carded,” Nick joked.

  Lenard grunted.

  Another thought crossed Julian’s mind, and he leaned a little in Gabe’s direction and murmured, “Does he know about me and Zachary?”

  “Len’s cool.” Gabe was matter-of-fact.

  As the van merged onto the freeway, it suddenly hit Julian that he was really doing this—really leaving Washington, DC and Zachary for the next three months. That he was going to live off music, no more safety net of a part-time job.

  He was either going to hyperventilate or babble….

  “So, uh, it was so crazy these last couple weeks, I never actually looked at the itinerary. I mean, I took a quick look to see if we were going north or south so I’d know if I should take more T-shirts or if I should bring a hoodie, and I didn’t recognize most of the names of the cities except like, Philadelphia, because everyone knows where that is, but most of ’em I just looked at the state. We’re playing a bunch of gigs in Indiana, right, but in the southern part or up close to Chicago? Not that it matters because you’re driving and so you know where to go and I just have to get out the guitar and sing.”

  “Does he always talk in run-on sentences?”

  “He grows on you. Give it a week, and you’ll be able to filter out the background noise.”

&nbs
p; Julian shrunk down in the seat and shut his mouth.

  Gabe and Nick switched off driving, and they hit Dothan, Alabama, around 3:00 a.m., after pit stops to gas up, piss, and grab some munchies, and one stop at a greasy spoon to have supper. The burger wasn’t bad, but Nick had gotten chili, and for the last several hours of the trip, Julian wasn’t the only one riding with his window rolled down.

  The venue was providing two motel rooms, and Julian was so tired from unsuccessfully attempting to sleep in the van that the only thing he noticed when Gabe opened the room door was the closest bed, which he promptly fell face-first on and then kicked off his shoes.

  Gabe let him sleep till ten, then threatened to pour cold water on him if he didn’t get his ass in gear. Julian knew from past experience that was not an idle threat, so he rolled over, cussing Gabe out for show.

  “Road musicians get to sleep till three in the afternoon,” he muttered.

  “Only when they’re famous enough to have an entourage,” Gabe responded. “We have to be at the bar in two hours to set up and sound check, so you have enough time to shower and eat. Here.” Gabe waved a Styrofoam cup of coffee in front of Julian’s face.

  It was black, just the way Julian always had it.

  “I take it back. You’re not a complete son of a bitch.”

  “Love you too, Julie. There’s a pancake house down the street. I’ll meet you there in twenty minutes.”

  Julian rummaged through his duffel for a clean T-shirt and boxers, grabbed his toothbrush and contact solution. He shouldn’t have slept in his contacts, and his eyes watered with relief when he popped the lenses out.

  Even with his blurred vision, Julian could tell in the daylight that this was definitely not a five-star motel. The carpet felt gritty under his bare feet and only one of the bathroom lights flicked on with the switch.

  He showered fast enough that the water wasn’t completely frigid when he finished. Guess he got clean a lot faster when Zachary wasn’t around as a distraction.

  Towel around his hips, he opened the toothpaste, picked up his toothbrush, started to squirt a glob onto it….