The Music of Love

by Sandine Tomas

  That niggling something returned. Sometimes Julian felt like he needed the world to just stop. Let him be. Let him think. But it didn’t, and Zachary reminded him that tomorrow he really had to go to work, and they should get to sleep at a reasonable time.

  He cuddled into Zachary and let him rest. He forced his breathing to slow until sleep came.

  Chapter 12

  FOR THE remainder of the week, Julian enjoyed being domestic. He prepared dinner and cleaned the apartment to his level of satisfaction. Zachary laughed and tossed the phrase Mr. Clean around, but Julian didn’t rise to the bait. So? He used a toothbrush on the grout. Got it clean, didn’t it?

  Julian had tried to explain to Zachary that self-cleaning bathroom cleaners did nothing, but that had been a losing battle. Zachary sprayed that useless, overpriced stuff and called the tiles clean. After months of this, Julian observed the slowly encroaching black threads on his previously white grout with disgust. Nope, there was only one way to tackle this. Armed with a fresh batch of his homemade cleaner and his old toothbrush, he attacked the bathroom like a man on a mission.

  Zachary whistled that night. “Smells like salad dressing.”

  “It’ll fade.”

  “I meant you.”

  Julian looked down at himself. He was a bit grimy. After the bathroom, he’d tackled the kitchen but hadn’t gotten much past throwing out the laboratory pathogens overwhelming the refrigerator. Zachary didn’t believe in cleaning inside anything that had a door. “I can grab a shower before dinner. It’s in the oven. Made meatloaf.”

  Zachary’s laugh filled the small space, vibrating off the sparkling tiles. “What else you do today, Martha Stewart? Bake any bread?”

  Julian’s lips curled in a partial pout because, really, one mocked Martha at their own peril. He’d thought about banana bread but was going to save it for the weekend. “If you’d prefer eating out of a carton again, could be arranged.” Prior to moving in together, Julian knew that when Zachary roomed with Marc they’d survived on takeout. He had been worried about those habits returning, how unhealthy it could be, but the tour—it had been important. The muscles in his jaw jumped.

  Zachary pulled him closer. “Stop. I’m sorry. This is great. You are great. Thank you.” Zachary nuzzled his neck. “Mmm, tangy.”

  “Gotta wash up.”

  “Not yet.”

  “But you said….”

  “Not dirty enough yet.”

  “I’m not?”

  “Nope, not nearly dirty enough.”

  The meatloaf dried out too much to be edible and they ended up ordering pizza.

  A WEEK later Julian had news to share with Zachary. “Zach?”

  Zachary was at work. “Jules. I’m sorry. Can’t talk now. I need to get to the courtroom.”

  “Okay. But it’ll only take a minute. I heard from—”

  “I’ll call you back. Sorry.”

  Julian heard a click. He swallowed the disappointment bitterly. Stared at his phone and dialed his parents’ number. “Mom? Got some amazing news!”

  That night The Last Cowboys were playing a last-minute local gig at the U Street Music Club, taking over for a cancellation. They’d rehearsed Julian’s new song, “Something Blue,” and Julian was nervously excited to share it with Zachary for the first time. And now he had more news to tell him.

  He’d spent a great deal of time on the phone after Gabe had called. After sharing with his mom, he’d gotten calls from his dad and his sister. Uncle Ron reached him just as he was about to leave, and saying he was on his way out the door didn’t mean much.

  By the time he’d gently coaxed his uncle off the phone, he was really late. Shit. He barely put some gel in his hair and changed his shirt before he dashed out to meet Zachary and everyone else, since his old colleagues from Harrison’s wouldn’t miss the performance and Zachary had invited his friends too.

  Racing through the club’s front entrance, he practically smashed into Zachary. Panting, he held on to Zachary’s arm. “You just get here too?”

  “Yeah. Sorry. How come you’re late?”

  Julian pressed his lips together slyly. “I’ll tell you inside.”

  They were the last to arrive. Everyone was sitting around side tables that had been pulled together. Julian hugged Kat and Jack. Brian shook his hand so excitedly that Julian surmised Gabe must have let the cat out of the bag already. That was okay, because he’d still get to tell Zachary himself, and he couldn’t wait to see his boyfriend’s face when he did. Meg and Sophia gave him tepid pecks on the cheek, faces looking oddly twisted. Julian couldn’t figure out what that meant but then stared down at Marc’s pissed-off look and wondered, now what? Marc looked like he was ready to pummel him to a pulp.

  A second later, Zachary and his friends were in some sort of group hug, and Julian gave up wondering about Marc’s moodiness. He approached Gabe and Nick. “Cowboys.”

  “Lookin’ good, Julie.” Gabe swung his arm around his shoulder. “Momma Wallace called me.”

  “Oh God. I’m sorry. They’re a little excited.”

  Nick grinned huge. “Should be. It’s not everyone that gets Dierks Bentley to record their song.”

  Zachary, who had just settled into a seat, spun at that. “What?”

  Julian beamed. “Tried to tell you earlier. Bentley’s production company called. He wants ‘Something Blue’ for his next album. And he’s open to any other songs I’ve got brewing!”

  Zachary leaped up from his seat and trapped Julian within his arms, letting out a whoop. “Omigod, Jules. That’s fantastic!” Julian fought the embarrassment of Zachary’s public exuberance, but deep down he felt like a cloud had lifted him to the skies. This was such an amazing opportunity. Millions of people would hear something he’d written. His throat closed up at the thought.

  “Hold off. Tell ’im the best part, Julie,” Marc bit out from across the table, saying Julian’s shortened name as if it was toxic. Zachary spun around, partially releasing Julian, hand still on his lower back, face open and questioning. Marc stood, hands crossing across his chest. “Gabe just told us how you’re leaving again to open for Dierks Bentley’s band.”

  Zachary’s face blanched. “What?”

  Julian stiffened as Zachary pulled away from him with a start. “That’s not settled yet,” he protested.

  “Yeah it is, Jules,” Gabe confirmed happily. “Got a call shortly before coming here. They want us to tour with them, dude. The Last Cowboys are their new opening act!”

  Zachary looked at Gabe. “How long?”

  Nick curbed Gabe’s enthusiasm with an elbow to his side, answering instead with a subdued tone. “They’ve got four months left on this tour.”

  Zachary nodded brusquely. “When do you—?”

  Gabe looked at Nick a moment, face coloring slightly before he faced Zachary head-on. “We leave tomorrow night to catch up to them in Georgia.”

  The bar was lively, but their table went as silent as a funeral. Zachary dropped down in a seat and grabbed the nearest beer, not caring who it might have belonged to. Julian stared at his friends. Dammit, this wasn’t the way he’d wanted to tell Zachary about this. Hell, he still didn’t know….

  “Zach,” Julian started.

  “Not here.” Zachary’s voice was as brittle as spun glass.

  Brian tried to break the mood with a polite, “Congratulations to you all.”

  Julian nodded back at that, but Marc’s furious stare made him flinch.

  “You know what? Fuck this! Zach, you deserve a life, man. Not this.”

  Meg shushed him. “Marc. For goodness’ sake, not here.”

  He turned on her. “Why not here? Why am I the only one saying anything? You’re thinking it. Fuck, anyone who is Zachary’s friend is thinking it. You saw him. You know how it was with Julian gone, turned into a pod version of himself. How many times did we go over there just to bring decent food because you know he’d forget and live on pizza 24-7?” Marc turned plead
ing eyes toward Zachary. “Zach. I know you love him. I get it. But it’s one-way, and that’s sapping the life out of you. You need to let him go, dude. Find someone who wants you for real. ’Cause you deserve so much better than him.”

  Gabe stood but Nick reached out and pulled him back. “No. Don’t.”

  “He’s talkin’ trash about Julian.”

  Zachary’s low yet deep voice disrupted the tense stillness. “Marc. I know you mean well. But not here. I can’t do this.” He stood up, swiped his jacket off the back of the seat. “Gabe, Nick, sorry. I have to go.” He turned to Julian, opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. The hurt in Zachary’s eyes as they locked on Julian’s scythed through his chest. For a moment all the air was sucked out of Julian’s lungs, and he couldn’t remember how to inhale.

  And Zachary was gone.

  The pause button released and everyone spoke at once, voices swirling like ashes around Julian, shady and dense and meaningless. Gabe squeezed his arm on one side, and Nick patted his back on the other.

  Margaret was trying to hold Marc in check. “Let Zach have some space.”

  “No, that’s the problem. We’ve been giving him space and now he’s fucking drowning.”

  Marc yanked his jacket on and took off after Zachary.

  That finally got through Julian’s fugue. “No.” He pulled the back of Marc’s jacket and the other man turned and faced him angrily.

  “Let go of me, Wallace. I gotta go take care of your mess.”

  “I’m going. I need to…. Please stay here.”

  Marc jerked away from Julian and raced for the door. Julian followed with Meg in tow.

  Outside, the cool air hit Julian in the face. He shivered with the chill and he let it numb his raw nerves. Zachary was nowhere to be seen.

  Marc glared at him in frustration. “Let him go, man. You aren’t with him, so let him go. He deserves more.”

  Julian stood rooted, doubt burning in his veins. It’s not like he hadn’t always thought that. Not like he didn’t think it true on some level. His head spun.

  Marc cursed. “I gotta find him.”

  Julian shook his head. “I have to.”

  “Go back and join your band on stage. He’s my friend.”

  Julian stared at Marc hard. Behind him he heard Meg yell Marc’s name. He didn’t turn around, just quietly answered, “He’s my life.”

  THE WIND whipped against his lashes, and Julian wished he had his glasses on instead of his contacts. The empty stretch of plaza glowed amber beneath the street lamps, long swaths of darkness broken by the lonely lamps like gold patches on a leopard. Julian slipped his hands in his pockets and held his head down. It shouldn’t have gone down like that.

  He hadn’t known that the offer was finalized for The Last Cowboys to open for Dierks’s band. The last conversation with Gabe only had it as a possibility, and while Julian knew how much Gabe and Nick and Randy were salivating over this, he was ambivalent. He’d been examining his lack of enthusiasm, trying to work it through in his mind. What did it mean? Was he just tired? Was it fear of leaving Zachary again? But what about that dark pit he’d fallen into before? The answers twirled like tumbleweed, and if he could just stop, just be long enough to let them come to him, form shape and gain meaning. Dammit, if he could just. Think.

  The walk helped, allowed the swirling threads of the moment to penetrate the cold. The music. His songs. When he’d first held Gabe’s guitar all those years ago, Julian’s small fingers plucked the strings, and before he could even execute a simple tune, he’d started seeing. A week after his first lesson, as Julian strummed something on the guitar, Gabe had looked up from where he was talking and smoking with the older boys, seemingly ignoring the kid who had appointed himself his shadow. But suddenly, piercing blue eyes had locked with his. “What’s that? Something new? Never heard it.”

  The other boys weren’t paying attention. Much more interested in the overstuffed joint passing back and forth between them. “Nuh-no. I mean, yes. New. I kinda saw it.”

  Gabe peered at him, pupils huge and black. “Saw what?”

  “A… song.”

  At first, he’d imagined Gabe was his muse, and then David had made it seem like he’d been the reason for Julian’s gift. Except Julian’d had it all along. Why had he forgotten that? He hadn’t written songs because of anyone else. All he’d ever really needed was a little space.

  Julian stood still within the quiet park grounds. The Mall was peaceful and solemn, respectful of the history, the tears, the blood that it represented. The stillness cleared his shadows, let him fill with moonlight. Working at the law firm had pushed the music away. But so did touring. Performing was fun. But it didn’t make his blood vibrate, didn’t make his heart beat out of his chest. Only two things did that. And one of them was currently alone. And miserable.

  He took off in a run.

  Julian inhaled staggered gulps of air as he looked up the steps, Lincoln was lit in ghostly white light. Sitting on the top step, head down, body tucked into himself, was a lone figure. Julian ascended slowly, waiting till Zachary noticed. Didn’t take long. They had an invisible thread between them that shimmered when they got close.

  Shadowed eyes met his. “Knew I’d be here, huh?”

  “It’s not one-way.”

  Zachary indicated for Julian to sit. “I know that. Marc’s being a dick.” Except Julian heard what wasn’t said. Marc was a dick. But he wasn’t all wrong. Being apart for months at a time had taken its toll. And Julian saw now all the things he’d been hiding from himself about Zachary, everything that Zachary hadn’t wanted Julian to know. Every phone call that felt off, every stuttered goodbye, every embrace where Zachary held on so tight as if to fill a lifetime in a moment.

  “I’m not going.”

  Zachary turned to him. “Don’t say that. You have to go. It’s too good an opportunity, opening for Bentley’s band. It’s your dream.”

  Julian took Zachary’s hand and threaded their fingers. “It’s Gabe’s dream. Nick’s, Randy’s…. It’s not mine. I didn’t tell you before because it wasn’t settled, but. That’s not the only reason. I wasn’t sure. Now I am.”

  Zachary’s eyes were concealed by the dim light, hidden in gloom and harboring hurts Julian felt deep shame over. “If you stay for me, then it won’t work. We’ll be over anyway.”

  “I wouldn’t. Stay for you. Although I love you enough to do it. But you’re right, we’d be over. That’s why I went with Gabe, because I had to know. It killed me to be away from you. Hardest thing I’ve done in my life. Knew I could lose you, not an idiot. But didn’t feel I had a choice. Like you said.”

  Zachary nodded, squeezed his hand tighter. His face was taut and tortured, and Julian hurt with Zachary’s pain. “So you’ll leave again tomorrow night….”

  “No. Zach, you’re not listening to me. I’m. Not. Going.” Zachary started to protest again, but Julian pressed on. “Not for you. For me. I didn’t write one song on the trip. It’s impossible. Makes the law firm seem like a picnic of spare time. Can’t hear it, see it, on the road. All I heard was the songs I’d already written. And it was fun. I won’t lie about that. It’s a rush to play my songs, see people feel them. It’s awesome.”

  “So then why not—?”

  “Because it’s a fraction of what I feel with you.”

  “Jules….”

  “No. Zach, let me. There have been times you tell me I don’t get it. How much you love me. What you feel. I get it, because I know how much I love you. It’s in every heartbeat. Every touch. Every stare. It’s in the music. I know I don’t need you to write songs. They come from me, not anybody else. But I need to be me. I need space to think and just be. This chance… Dierks wanting to record ‘Something Blue’ and maybe more. It’s giving me everything, Zach.” He stopped and reached out to Zachary’s cheek, wiping at the moisture. “It’s given me us.”

  Zachary blinked, leaned in until their foreheads rested together.
“You’re not leaving,” he whispered, voice hitching.

  “I’m not leaving.”

  Zachary pulled him in and held on like letting go meant a plummet off a cliff. Julian knew how he felt. Julian put his lips to Zachary’s and kissed him, sweet and slow and perfect.

  “I love you,” Zachary whispered.

  “I love you, Zach. So, so much. Marry me?”

  Zachary chuckled softly. “I already asked you that, you ninny.”

  Julian pulled back so he could look in Zachary’s eyes again. He wished it was brighter so he could make out color. “No. I mean now. I….” He let out a laugh from deep inside, body trembling with an excess of happiness. “I kinda want to marry you. Right now.”

  Zachary looked up. “Let’s ask Abe to officiate.” He turned back to Julian. “I promise to be your best friend, your partner, your lover, your other half. For as long as I live.”

  The world lit up.

  Might have been some extra plaza lights on a timer, but that moment everything grew bright, and Julian made out the deep blue in Zachary’s eyes, and all he could do was stare. Everything that gave life meaning gazed back at him. He couldn’t possibly speak, so he let his eyes say it all in the quiet of the statue’s shadow.

  Epilogue

  GABE CRIED, although he’d deny it to his dying day. Marc maintained an odd grimace through the entire thing. Meg was a groomswoman and beamed as she strolled down the aisle in a tux that hugged her curves as sensually as any dress could.

  Julian remembered his wedding in bits and parts. Like a series of candid photos etched on his retinas. The one thing he would always remember, though, was that they were home. They were in Texas.

  After making the decision not to go back on tour with The Last Cowboys, Julian had taken a part-time job as a music teacher in the public school system. It paid next to nothing but felt great. The children inspired two songs in the first week alone, so he knew he’d be getting way more than he was putting in. Zachary beamed at him proudly.