I need to not think about Sander. Thinking about him is dangerous. I like him far more than I should and the more time I spend with him, the worse it gets.
No. Kissing me made it worse. Before that happened, I could convince myself there is no way anything could happen between us. But now, there is hope. Even though there shouldn’t be. Sander has made that very clear. He only kissed me because he felt sorry for me.
“What are you thinking?” Charlie asks me when he wakes up. He stayed in the room with me last night. He’s not very comfortable to sleep with. He kept scooting to the middle and stealing all the covers.
“That I feel really bad for your future wife,” I say. “You’re a cover hog.”
He laughs. “Yeah, well you squirm a lot in your sleep.”
“Sorry,” I say.
“What else are you thinking about?” he asks. “When I woke up, you had a very serious look on your face.”
“I’m just thinking about Sander, and my feelings,” I say.
“How are your feelings?” he asks.
“Complicated,” I say. “I keep trying to convince myself that I don’t like him, but it’s not working anymore.”
“Maybe you should just embrace how you feel,” he says.
“Because, then I’ll look foolish,” I say. “I’ll be like Estaine, who supposedly loves me despite the fact that I’m not into him. Or Teagan, who is in love with Estaine, even though he doesn’t like her.” I let out a breath. “Life was much less complicated before I met Sander.”
“But it also wasn’t as interesting,” Charlie says.
“I suppose,” I say.
“I think Sander likes you,” he says. “Maybe he doesn’t want to, but he definitely does.”
“The not wanting to is the problem,” I say. “Sander will never act on his feelings for me. If he even has feelings for me. I don’t think he does. But he’s the type of guy who puts his job first.”
“If he doesn’t go for you, then that is his loss.”
Of course my brother would say this. And I know why he is. I would say the same thing to him if a girl he liked wasn’t into him. Not that Charlie would ever have that problem. Girls seem to like him a lot.
“You have to say that,” I say.
“Nah,” he says. “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. But, if you want me to beat him up for you, I will.”
I laugh because the thought of Charlie trying to beat Sander up is quite humorous. If it were any other guy, maybe he’d stand a chance. But Sander is strong. And he’s been trained on how to fight.
“I appreciate the offer,” I say. “But let’s not get into a fight with Sander, okay?”
He nods. “Maybe you’re right.”
“I should probably get up,” I tell him, looking at the time on my phone. “I’ve got training.”
“And I am going back to sleep,” he says.
I don’t blame him. It’s not even five A.M. yet and I would rather be sleeping, but I don’t think Uncle Matty and Jake are going to let me get out of training for a second morning in a row, even if I could do it later.
I get out of bed, brush my teeth, put on some training clothes, and put my hair into a pony tail. I hate how I make sure my hair looks good before leaving the bathroom and I tell myself it isn’t because of Sander. But it is.
It’s official—I am pathetic.
When I walk out the back door of the house, I am surprised to see Sander there, standing by two other boys, waiting for me.
Both of the boys are tall, like Sander. Maybe an inch shorter. And they both look very similar—they’re definitely brothers. Both of them have the same dirty blond hair and light green eyes. They’re definitely cute. But Sander far outshines them both, to me. Which, again, pisses me off.
“You forgot to mention how beautiful she is,” the boy to the right says.
His words cause my face to grow warm.
It’s much too early for compliments.
“Hi, I’m Jaxon,” the boy to the left says. “Please, forgive my brother. He has no manners.”
“I’m Hunter,” the other boy says. “And I’m not going to apologize for calling you beautiful. Unless you want me to?”
“Nah, it’s okay,” I say. “You’re not so bad yourself.”
Hunter smiles at this.
“Are you two brothers?” I ask.
“Yes,” Jaxon says. “I’m older. And hotter.”
“He wishes,” Hunter says. “So, do you have a boyfriend?”
“She’s off limits to you,” Sander says.
“Why?” Hunter asks.
“Because I said so,” Sander replies.
“I’m single,” I say, glaring at Sander. “Very single, actually.”
“Very single?” Sander asks. “As opposed to being not very single?”
I roll my eyes at him. “I’m just saying I don’t have a boyfriend. Therefore, I am single.”
“Hunter, stop hitting on her,” Sander says, now turning to his friend. Obviously he doesn’t think I’m going to cave and he would be right.
Hunter smiles again, but this time at Sander. “Ah, I see. Don’t worry. I’ll keep it professional.”
Sander looks relieved at his words, but they anger me. Not that I really wanted to try to date this guy that I just met. But I might have wanted to flirt with him and make Sander jealous. Now I can’t.
“Can we just get started on training?” I ask. “There are about a million things I’d rather be doing right now than this.”
“I like her,” Jaxon says.
Sander shoots a dirty look at the guy and then we begin training.
Maybe this day will be interesting after all.
Sounds familiar.
After hanging out with Jaxon and Hunter all day, I learn a lot about them. They apparently went to the same super-secret spy school as Sander. They do a lot of missions together, along with a few other guys, but apparently something happened that forced them to spend some time apart. I want to know more, but whatever happened I can tell it makes them sad.
I also learn that Sander and they have a very easy relationship—I can tell they truly are good friends. They have all these inside jokes that I am instantly jealous of. I want to know what it’s like to have inside jokes with a friend.
Charlie is currently telling Sander, Jaxon, and Hunter about my flaming marshmallow incident. I guess, what are big brothers for? It’s their job to humiliate their little sisters or something. But I still want to hide. Especially when they ask me to show them the scar.
I lift up my skirt so I can show them. All four of the guys laugh when they see it.
“It hurt really bad,” I say, rubbing at the scar.
Sander grabs my hand and pulls me over so I can sit down beside him. I’ve mostly been standing a lot today. And pacing. I guess I’m nervous—not just because Jaxon and Hunter are new people, but because they are Sander’s friends. I have this immense desire to make a good impression.
“Sander tells us that you’re a computer hacker,” Jaxon says.
I’m sitting between Jaxon and Sander now. Hunter and Charlie are sitting on a different couch. Sander has pretty much been trying to keep me away from Hunter all day.
“I am,” I say, shrugging my shoulders. “I get bored easily, I guess. I didn’t have any friends before I came here. And even now, I don’t have a lot of friends. So, I started hacking for fun.”
“Sounds familiar,” Jaxon says, looking at Sander with an eyebrow raised.
“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing,” Sander says.
“What?” I ask, clearly wanting in on whatever it is they’re talking about.
“You have good form, too,” Jaxon continues. “The way you fight and defend yourself, it’s as if you’ve been doing it your whole life. I mean, you lack strength, but that is to be expected after only one month of training. Are you a fast runner?”
“I outran Sander,” I say, now smiling.
Jaxon looks at Sand
er, clearly wanting an explanation.
“She pushed me into a lake and ran away,” Sander says. “I was wearing wet jeans, so of course she outran me.”
“I want to know why she pushed you into the lake to begin with,” Jaxon says.
“I don’t know if you know this or not, but your friend Sander can be a real jerk,” I say.
Jaxon laughs loud enough for Charlie and Hunter to look over at us. The two of them are becoming fast friends. I’m not surprised. Charlie can make friends with just about anybody. I’ve always wished I could be more like him in that way.
“I might’ve deserved it,” Sander says.
“What did he do?” Jaxon asks.
I don’t say anything, because I really don’t want to tell this perfect stranger what happened. And Sander doesn’t seem to want to talk either, so we sit there in a very awkward silence, Jaxon waiting for a response.
“Oh, now I’m curious,” he says.
Realizing he’s not going to give up, I give him a kind of crappy answer.
“Sander told me I was gross,” I say.
“I did not,” Sander says, immediately defending himself. “I simply said...” his voice trails off as he looks at Jaxon, then back at me. “Never mind. It’s not important. I just didn’t call her gross. And I never would.”
“Ah, well, thanks for clearing nothing up,” Jaxon says.
“Whatever,” Sander says. “I’ll be back.”
He gets up, leaving me sitting next to Jaxon alone.
I feel incredibly awkward and I’m not sure what to say. Thankfully, Jaxon seems much better in social situations than me.
“Are you going to tell me what happened while he’s gone?” Jaxon asks.
I shake my head.
Ha, no way.
“Darn,” he says. “Sander isn’t exactly good with girls. I mean, he can turn on the charm when the time calls for it, but he is clueless when it comes to feelings and relationships with the opposite sex. Unfortunately, our training didn’t cover any of that.”
“Oh, we’re not in a relationship,” I say.
“Phoenix, I am not blind,” Jaxon says. “Sander doesn’t show interest in girls. Ever.”
“He told me about his ex,” I say. “About how he broke up with her because he liked his job more than her. And I can’t compete with a job like you guys have. I mean, you guys live an amazing life. One that I can’t even begin to imagine or dream of.”
“The fact that he talked to you about her says a lot,” he says. “He doesn’t open up to just anybody.”
“I think he was just trying to make me feel more comfortable,” I say.
“Did something happen between the two of you?” Jaxon asks.
“Something like what?” I ask, hoping that my face doesn’t give away the answer.
“Did he make a move on you? Maybe kiss you?”
“Maybe,” I say, not wanting to confirm or deny. I have a feeling if I denied, my face would give away the lie. I’m not a very good liar. “But it was only to prove that he doesn’t think I’m gross. Which sounds stupid, I know, but I promise it makes sense.”
“I’m not judging,” Jaxon says.
“Good. I mean, is it bad?” I ask. “He’s my bodyguard. And he’s older, but just barely.”
“No, it’s not bad. I mean, as long as you liked it.”
I nod. “I did.”
A lot.
More than I should have.
Jaxon smiles. “Treat Sander well.”
I nod again, like an idiot.
Pretty soon after this, Sander comes back in the room and sits down beside me. And I can’t help but wonder what Sander told them about me. Obviously he didn’t tell them about the kiss. Did he even mention me at all?
But then I decide it shouldn’t matter. I need to move on. Because, despite what Jaxon said, there is no way that Sander could like a girl like me. Especially not when there is an entire school full of girls who are much more compatible with him than I am. Girls who can protect and fight, not girls who hide and need to be protected.
“What did you two talk about?” Sander asks, after a moment of silence.
“You,” I answer. “What else?”
Jaxon smiles.
I don’t think he expected me to answer so honestly.
“She’s a pretty cool chick,” Jaxon tells Sander.
Sander just nods, looking at me. “I guess she’s all right.”
I stick my tongue out at him, but can’t help but smile.
“So, how long are you guys staying?” I ask, turning to Jaxon.
“Oh, we were just here to help set up your evacuation plan,” he answers. “Hunter and I have somewhere else to be.”
“Where you going?” I ask, genuinely curious.
“Switzerland,” he answers.
Switzerland?
That’s so cool.
“What are you doing there?” I ask, not really expecting an answer.
“Can’t tell you that,” he says, sadly.
“That’s not frustrating at all,” I mumble under my breath.
Sander, Charlie, Jaxon, and Hunter all fall into an easy conversation and I listen to their easy banter. Somewhere in the midst of the conversation, I end up pressed against Sander’s side, his arm around me. I try not to think too much into it.
Sander and I together would be as easy as breathing.
Sunday, September 24
Quiet.
Jaxon and Hunter are gone, and the house is oddly quiet today. Sander assisted me with my training this morning—he even made me run five miles. I groaned when I heard he was going to make me run that far, but I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t that hard to do. Maybe I am getting in shape after all. My legs don’t get tired or cramp up anymore, and I don’t breathe as heavily as I used to. It’s a good feeling.
After we got back from training, Sander went out for another run, which, again, makes me feel like a slacker. He was gone for an hour before he came back.
Charlie went back to his dorm. Apparently he has a date with some senior girl that I don’t know. I don’t really care whom he dates, as long as it isn’t any of my friends. But it still makes me feel so lame. He has a date while I am sitting around with my three protectors in a safe house, bored out of my mind. At least when I was dating Estaine I wasn’t alone.
I miss Estaine. He was my friend. And then I ruined it by dating him, even though I didn’t have strong enough feelings for him. I regret it a lot. If I hadn’t done that, maybe he would be here now.
But would he still be in love with me?
Maybe it’s best that things worked out this way.
Uncle Matty and Jake are watching something in the living room. It’s some boring show. They’re on, like, season five. So I have no clue what’s going on. Apparently the two of them have been bored, though. Bored enough to watch five seasons of a show together. So, to avoid them, I am in my room.
I call it my room—there isn’t a lot to it. A queen sized bed, a dresser, and a closet. Both have plenty of clothes for me, if I need it. There is a full mirror on the back of the door. And that’s it. It’s basically just a place for me to sleep. All my stuff is back in my dorm, where I wish I could go now. I don’t even have my computer.
There is a knock on my door.
“Come in,” I say, an automatic response.
I look over when the door opens and see Sander walk in. He shuts the door behind him and walks over to the bed where I’m sitting.
“What’s up?” he asks.
“I’m bored,” I say.
“I know this sucks for you,” he says. “I wish things could be different.”
Sander takes a seat on the edge of the bed.
I shrug. “It’s okay. I’ll survive.”
“When I read your file, I knew that I wanted to come here to help protect you,” Sander says. “But I didn’t think I would like you as much as I do. I mean, I thought you would be... spoiled. And maybe a bit of a brat.”
“You thought I’d be spoiled because my parents have money?”
He nods.
“All money does is buy things,” I say. “I mean, it’s literally a piece of paper.”
“Says the girl who drives a Bentley.”
“I wasn’t allowed to bring it with me. Wait... how do you know what kind of car I have back home?” I ask. “Oh, never mind. Stupid question. You know literally everything. I like my car, but honestly, I hardly ever drive it. Most of the time I ride with Charlie because traffic in LA is a nightmare and it gives me anxiety.”
“Sometimes I forget you’re only sixteen,” he says. “I can’t imagine learning how to drive in LA.”
“Where did you learn to drive?” I ask. “I mean, where are you from?”
“Texas,” he answers. “I have been driving since I was about four. I mean, I drove four wheelers back then. And motorcycles. I drove my first car when I was ten.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
“My dad wanted me to be prepared. He knew what school I would end up going to,” he says.
Right.
The mysterious spy school.
“Your friends were nice,” I tell him.
This causes him to frown. “I think Hunter liked you a little too much.”
“He only did that to get under your skin,” I say, grinning at him.
“They both liked you, actually,” Sander says. “You made quite an impression. I knew you would.”
“That’s... good,” I say hesitantly, hoping that it’s good.
Honestly, I feel like I suck at meeting people. First impressions were never my thing.
“I think they thought the same thing I did,” Sander says. “That you would be spoiled and annoying. You are a pleasant surprise.”
I smile at him, not knowing what to say. There is a lot I want to say—a lot that needs to be said. But I don’t quite know how to bring it up.
“We should talk about that kiss,” he says.
I nod.
We probably should.
“It shouldn’t have happened,” he says.
Never Ever (East Raven Academy Book 2) Page 19
