The Two Faces of Temperance

by Ichabod Temperance

  ~ * * * ~

  “Ha, ha! We’re going to be rich, Nichodimus! I’ll put this whole sordid Temperance business together in a book! All I have to do is get it published, and we’ll be rolling in heather!”

  “Hah. Do you think, Dipsy?”

  “Ha, ha! These days, any idiot can knock a book together. The next thing you know, that silly duck is swimming in a bathtub of pound notes. Why not me?”

  “Sure, Dipsy. Plus, you have what these other blokes ain’t got.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Luck, my lovely girl!”

  “Ha, ha! Right, Nichodimus! I’d rather be lucky than good, any day of the week!”

  “Mmmmmmm!”

  “Oh, Nicky! Let me go, and look!”

  “Eh? Hah! Look at those fierce beams of light swinging about! Listen, you can hear the alarm bells!”

  “Nichodimus, look! There, in the clouds above, one circular spotlight casts an image there. It appears to be a stylized bat, only for some reason, it’s wearing a top hat.”

  “Dipsy, I think Dr. Icky would produce that silhouette, if he held his cape out at arms’ length and were caught in the middle of a spotlight’s glare.”

  “Great Gothic Gorillas, it’s the hat-signal! Hurry, chum, to your steel-coil hopper suit!”

  “Roight!”

  “Ha, ha! Hooray, Detective Cobblechunk! You had a moment of brilliance when you thought to keep watch up here on the roof.”

  “Strap me in, Dipsy!”

  “Ha, ha! I thought you’d never ask, Nicky!”

  “Behave yourself, Dipsy, this is serious! Those boot straps have to be tight!”

  “Right you are, Detective Nick! Be careful to leap from a structurally sound part of the building this time, bucko.”

  “Stand back, Dipsy, I’m ready to spring.”

  “I’ll get a carriage and be right behind you. Oh, wait, just one more thing, Nichodimus.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Ah-mmmmm-wah!”

  “Ha, ha! That’s for luck, boy, now go get ‘em, you big hunk of Empire masculinity.”

  “Roight!”

  ~SPROING!!!!~

  “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....”

  ~ * * * ~

  My arm is lightly touched. Looking up, my silent usher makes brief eye contact, and then slowly, ever so slowly, closes his aloof and languid eyelids. This discreet motion is enough to convey the requisite information, without disturbing my clubbe-mates. As a founding member of this quiet refuge of solitude, I would be most embarrassed if I were its first expulsion. Mycroft would never forgive me.

  I am as silent and as non-intrusive on my fellow Diogenites as Alfred, the usher. The heavily insulated ‘speaking’ room is isolated, all the way to the front of the building.

  My secretary has enough sense to wait until the door is safely and snugly closed before sharing his message.

  “My apologies for bothering you in your clubbe, Mr. Marshall.”

  “That’s quite all right. Is Miss Plumtartt outside?”

  “No, I’m afraid Miss Plumtartt has not kept her appointment nor called to explain her absence.”

  “That is odd. Persephone Plumtartt is as reliable as the Eastern Railway. Please call Westminster and see if she has been to Lord Mortontoh’s office.”

  “Not to be presumptuous, but I did that as I was waiting. She has not been heard from in my office, nor anywhere else in Westminster according to the speakerator operator. This is confirmed by palace security. I contacted her hotel and they too, report that she is not in her room. She has not been seen nor heard from since the Temperance apprehension.”

  “You did the right thing in alerting me. I fear that this development bodes an ill wind.”

  “I beg your pardon, Herbertte old chap, but Persephone’s well-being was not my reason for intruding. I thought you should like to know about an activity at the Tower.”

  “The Tower? The Tower of London? What on Earth could be astir in that.... No! It’s the Temperance boy, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, Mr. Marshall, it appears that he has effected an escape from that stone relic.”

  “Hmm, Persephone has disappeared and Ichabod has slipped his stony moorings. I suspect these things are connected. I want my carriage brought forth at once and in the meantime, send word to every constabulary: I want Persephone Plumtartt arrested!”

  ~ * * * ~

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  These fools, they are no match for me! These weak creatures would lock away that which threatens them.

  I am more fierce!

  I am more swift!

  I am stronger than any man!

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  They shun me.

  They hate me.

  They would kill me.

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  But I will not be killed.

  I will be victorious.

  I shall have what I want.

  What I want.

  What I want?

  Want?

  Not want.

  Need.

  What is my compulsion?

  I know.

  I want the Plumtartt girl.

  I want...

  I need...

  I need the Plumtartt girl...

  The Plumtartt girl is in danger.

  I need to save the Plumtartt girl.

  I need to help Miss Plumtartt.

  She is taken.

  A dockyard. Newling Nautical Works. A covered drydock in the Limehouse district.

  The Plumtartt girl is mine and none other may have her!

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  ~ * * * ~

  “Hey, Gertrude.”

  “Yeah, Myrtle?”

  “Oye’ve been trying to come up with a little Dr. Icky limerick of me own. How’s this:

  There once was a fiend Dr. Icky,

  Whose blood soaked hands were ever sticky.

  Covered over in gore,

  he craves ever more,

  and we flee at the sight of his...

  “Eek! Look there! Cobalt cannons careen across the cityscape! It’s the Tower! I have a perfect view line, due West to see it.”

  “Hello, what’s this? There is a commotion, in the street, just outside the Tower. Now I see and hear signs of a tiny uproar moving in our direction.”

  “Right, Myrtle. I see carts overturned, horses rearing up in fright and hear the screams of dozens of people.”

  “Eek! Gertrude! A monster has jumped up on top of that carriage and now looms above us! It’s a rampaging gorilla! No, it’s Dr. Icky! With his characteristic top hat and billowing, flapping cape, the fiend is caught in a dramatic moment. He howls and tears at the sky with his horrible claws while sweeping searchlights form a silhouette of the monsters iconic pose.”

  “Here he comes! Ichabod Temperance is spreading mayhem, cuffing aside any and all that get in his way! Look out!”

  “Eek!”

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  “The monster jumped straight over our heads! He is continuing in a direct eastward path. Nothing can stop him!”

  ~ * * * ~

  “Hey, Broken Nose.”

  “Yeah, Bug-bites?”

  “What’s a pirate’s favourite letter of the alphabet?”

  “Oh, come on, Bugsy, everybody knows that old rib. It’s the letter ‘R’.”

  “No, Broken Nose, that is a common misconception, for truly, a pirate’s heart belongs to the ‘C’.”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “I call top bunk!”

  “Go ahead. Cor, there ain’t much locker space on this brig, Bugsy.”

  “It’s tight on space all right, Nose, but she’s a beauty of a craft. There’s a modern deck cannon above decks, and the ability to launch torpedo fishies from below. There’s a snorkel for gaining air, but there are also auxiliary air tanks should we need to dive for deeper depths.”

  “Did you see the engines?”

  “Aye, they’re all electric! We shall purr along bene
ath the ocean waves, as silent and effortlessly as ye’ please.”

  “Aye, quite elegant, I should think. T’is propeller screw-driven, don’t ye’ know?”

  “Oh aye, matey, I knows, I knows. Did ye’ get a looks at the batteries? There are great banks of rechargeable industrial electric batteries.”

  “How are they recharged?”

  “From the tank of giant electric eels of course. Don’t be silly.”

  * Ahoy, all ye’ able swabbies. Now harken to this. *

  * All hands on deck! All hand on deck. Arrr. *

  “How do they expect us to squeeze through that wee little hatch?”

  “You’ll find a way or ye’ll be the first to taste this girl’s hull. Come on, Bugsy, shake a leg. Captain Goldbuckets ain’t gonna wait all night.”

  “All hands are on deck and accounted for Captain Goldbuckets.”

  “Arrr. Good, Azreal.”

  “You men, form up! Captain Goldbuckets wishes to address the crew!”

  “Aye, aye, Missus!”

  “Thank you, Black Dottie. Well slit me mainsails, would ye’ look at all these familiar, criminal faces. There’s Scabby Jones, Bloody Bobby, and old Snotdrops. Eep! It moved! I thought that was a bristly broom someone had set against the wall, but it’s old Enola Headrickettes.”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “Sometimes I forget there is a person, and not a stick handle, under the hair and beard.”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “Sorry, Nola old boy, but there’s a height requirement on this boat. We’ll have to ask you to leave.”

  “Huh-wot?!? You be nice to me, Johnny, for it will be me that makes this bonnie fish swim.”

  “Ho, ho! Just teasing you, Enola. We’ll be needing a scrawny, wire-strong, ship’s tinker, to crawl into the tight spaces. The crawling about will require you to trim your lengthy beard so that you don’t catch your knees on it, though.”

  “How about if I just braid it up?”

  “Aye, that will suffice.”

  “Aye.”

  “I spy Archimedes Screw, Sneaky Snuggles, and if I’m not mistaken, there’s old Weird Willie still skulking about. Bless me, it touches me heart it does to see each and every one of ye’ cut-throats.... Aye, Bless me, it truly does. I’m, I’m sorry lads, … I’m getting caught up in the moment... Excuse me, I, …. I think I’ve got something in my eye.”

  “Aw, Johnny, it’s all right. Don’t be embarrassed.”

  “Everybody knows what a big softie you are, Smiling Johnny. A tear shed in grateful happiness is nothing to be ashamed of.”

  “Aye.”

  “Oh, aye, thank ye’ boys. You’re a grand bunch of lads. Aye, ye’re not so bad for a bunch of treasure-plundering, rum-drinking, girl-snatching, gold-stealing, law-breaking, adventure-drenched, Kings of the Seas!”

  “Aye!”

  “Are you ready to steal a million pounds!”

  “Aye!”

  “And spend two?”

  “Yar, har, har. Aye!”

  “Shipmates, with this bonnie little craft, every nation will fall all over themselves to fulfill our demands! We’ll have endless women and riches forever!”

  “Aye!”

  “The boat has no masts, no sails nor rigging. Do ye’ know what this means, lads?”

  “Aye! Me poor hands are saved. Climbing the cruel rigging ropes is a pain I dread. Me poor arthritic fingers could not bear to do it again.”

  “Aye, furling sails is a young man’s work. No more going eighty, ninety, or a hundred feet aloft, and hoping that the rotten old ropes affixing ye’re yard holds true a bit longer. Anything over twenty feet off the deck and I’m clinging to the mast.”

  “No more of that, lads, now we all ride inside in temperature regulated comfort.”

  “Aye!”

  “Now I finds meself under the burden of this struggling baggage. Someone come get this troublesome bit of luggage below decks and stow her in my cabin.”

  “[Mmmph! Mmmph! Mmmmph!]”

  “There, there, Persephone, resistance is futile, me darling new cabin wench. Make yourself comfortable in my quarters; I will join you directly.”

  “Avast there, ye’ lubber-headed swabbies! Make fast the hawser by our capstan, that we may haul ourselves afloat.”

  “Aye, aye, Black Dottie!”

  “And sing us a shanty, as we slowly creak toward this Fateful launching.”

  “Aye!”

  Ohhhhhhhhhh,

  Launch me from land,

  I want life served up grand.

  Yoe, hoe, seeds of mischief are sown.

  Give me ships full of loot,

  and some girlies to boot.

  Yoe, hoe, the leaky hull does groan.

  Rolling like thunder,

  taking pleasure and plunder,

  Yoe, hoe, to treasure I’m blown.

  On a field black and dull,

  the famed bones and a skull,

  Yoe, hoe, the Jolly Roger is flown.

  Spreading fear across the sea,

  I’m a nightmare, you see,

  Yoe, hoe, a skull and crossed bones.

  We live without rules,

  Cannon and guts are our tools.

  Oh, give me some time, to makes me girl moan.

  “Yar, har, har, har!”

  “We’re in position, Johnny! Open the sluices! Stand by to launch this uncanny ship.”

  “Hold fast, Dottie! I must christen the boat! I dub thee, ‘Treasure’s Smile’.”

  ~pishhh!~

  “Launch!”

  ~puh-loosh.~

  “Aye!” “Hooray!” “Yar!”

  “We shall be the greatest pirates that ever sailed! We’ll gather enough treasure to sink an island! Ha, ha! Here’s to our treasure isle!”

  “Aye!”

  “Open the doors to our dock-house. We are headed out to sea on a course of destiny and adventure. There is no one that can stop us!”

  ~thunk.~

  “Did you hear that? It sounded like something landed on the roof.”

  “Yeah, I can hear something, or somebody, scampering about up there.”

  “Pistols at the ready men, our first taste of blood has come early.”

  “Aye. Arrr.”

  “Eek! Look, up there, in that high, bank of windows! There is a terrible face leering in at us!”

  “It’s an angry gorilla!”

  “It’s a monstrous phantom from realms unknown!”

  “It’s that little idiot, Ichabod Temperance!”

  ~crash!~

  “He’s smashed his way in through the window!”

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  “Prepare to repulse that boarder! Pistols, ready. Fire!”

  ~Boomity!-Boomity!~

  ~Boomity!-Boomity!~

  ~Boomity-Boom-Boom-Bah-Boom!~

  “You all missed! How could you all miss?”

  “Perhaps it’s the iffy and temperamental nature of our ancient flintlock pistolas?”

  “Everybody reload!”

  “Aye! Arrr. Ermm.”

  “Can I borrow some powder?”

  “I don’t have any pistol balls.”

  “Oye didn’t know one had to provoide one’s own ammunition. Seems to me, the ship’s quartermaster is responsible for the dispensing of daily gunpowder rations. Whoi should I have to buy me own munitions? Is that fair? I say we start a union to prevent these unfair working conditions.”

  “Aye...urlk!”

  “Belay that union talk. Anymore talk of a pirates union and ye’ll have ye’re first meeting at the rivers bottom.”

  “When are we getting repeating pistols?”

  “As soon as we start riding horses, Tex.”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “Belay that bilge! Draw ye’re cutlasses and kill that caped monkey!”

  “Aye, ayiieee! It’s boarding our bonnie little boat!”

  ~Cuff!~

  ~Clout!~

  ~Clobber!~

 
“Augh! Somebody kill the bugger!”

  ~slish!~

  “Arrr, beware his terrible claws, shipmates!”

  ~shnap!~

  “Yarrr, he nearly punctured me flesh with those snapping, jaws and fearsome fangs!”

  “Oh, spare me your pity party tales. If only I had only been nearly snapped upon by big monkey fangs, but no, he got me good wiff his horrible breath! Ohhh.”

  “Put to sea! Crash the dock doors! Start the engines. Full speed ahead!”

  “Aye, aye! Corky, go below and man the helm! With these new electric engines, there is no furnace to heat up! There is no boiler to gain pressure. There is no spring to wind.”

  “Ahoy, the deck, I’m throwing the starter switch, now!”

  ~kuh-chunk. hmmm~

  “Engaging propeller screw!” ~whiiirrrzzzz!!!~ “Stand by for impact as we ram the doors!”

  ~bunk.~

  “Ahhh, it appears we do not have the requisite ‘oomph’ to break through the doors, Captain Goldbuckets. You know how it is with battery powered devices.”

  “All stop on that propeller. Azreal Scurvybones, kill that monkey.”

  “Aye. Arrr.”

  “Black Dottie, you go below and secure the hostage.”

  “Aye, aye, Johnny!”

  “Jonah and Gabriel, get those dock doors open!”

  “Aye, aye, Cap’n!”

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  “It’s no use! We can’t get past that fancy chimpanzee. He has the whole crew trapped on the stern of the ship.”

  “Azreal, kill that creature so we can get out of here!”

  “I’m trying, Johnny, but his breath is worse than old Garlic Joe’s.”

  “Bleh-Ra...”

  …......aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”

  ~Kuh-Burge!~

  “Eek! What is this horrible monster that besieges us? Are we to suffer even more? You horrible demon, have mercy on us! What are you? You crashed through the roof like a meteor, right atop the terrible Dr. Icky, but you are so much worse! Over seven feet tall with glowing red eyes, frightening wings and long, daggery claws! Please don’t kill us!”

  “Hah. Not to worry, citizen, er, seaman. I am Detective Nichodimus Cobblechunk of Scotland Yard.”

  “It’s a copper! Quick, harpoon the beast before he alerts a school of his mates!”

  “Hmm? What’s this? It looks like I got here in the nick of time. I have narrowly prevented a great tragedy.”

  “Well, you see, your lawful magistrate, the great tragedy is your own...”