The Two Faces of Temperance

by Ichabod Temperance

  “Stop right there! I see what is going on here, and I say I am putting a stop to it right this instant!”

  “Hey, copper...”

  “You poor, honest, semi-able-bodied seamen, and otherwise, are being terrorized by this monster, Dr. Ickle. My crashing through the roof and atop his head appears to have things all in hand. You men can go back to plying the ocean waves, on your legal, commercial vessel.”

  “Hunh? Oh! Roight! That’s it! Thank you, Mr. Police Officer, for saving all these honest seamen. Say thank ye’ to the nice copper, lads.”

  “Arrr, our salutations be with ye’, ye’ bloody screw. Oops, Oye means, thanks, bobbye!”

  “Aye, it always makes a body feel so safe to have the authorities dropping by for a visit.”

  “Let us all offer up a little prayer, as we are so thankful for the timely arrival of this esteemed constabulary, and we are so thankful for the blessing of his having made this collar, without anyone getting hurt.”

  “Arrr-men.”

  “Arrr, will ye’ be taking the lifeless body that was Dr. Ickle, or would you prefer that we dispose of the remains?”

  “Thank you citizens, but I better keep this remaining sample for the boys back at the lab. Bon voyage!”

  “Good-bye, copper.”

  “This is an unusual boat you chaps have here. Is it a, eh, fishing boat of some kind?”

  “Hunh? Oh, yeah, right, Detective, it’s a new type of fishing boat. Well, good bye Detective. Everybody say goodbye to the nice copper.”

  “Aye.” “Arrr.” “Bugger off.”

  “Night, night, already, puddinghead.”

  “Is that a deck gun?”

  “Hunh? That? Oh, ahhh, yeah, I mean, no, I mean, it’s for casting the nets so’s we can do the honest work of harvesting fishies, right lads?”

  “Arrr.” “There’ll be some fishie feeding tonight, mates.”

  “Hah. Well. Isn’t that interesting? What will they think of next?”

  “Let’s not wait around to find out. Why don’t you hurry along and get that awful monster out of our perfectly legal shipbuilding operation.”

  “What are those hatches on the front of the boat? Do they open? They look as if they might hide a weapon of some kind. Perhaps a weapon intended to be used underwater? Is this craft submersible?”

  “No, no, it’s just very, er, streamlined.”

  “Temperance was working on some sort of classified project involving an underwater craft and munitions, and Persephone had said something about a dangerous conspiracy of pirates building a specialized boat capable of controlling the Earth’s ocean traffic...”

  “Copper?...”

  “That reminds me!”

  “Copper?!...”

  “I should be on the lookout for that boat! Well, I hope you fellows have not been unduly disturbed. Happy sails!”

  “Arrr.”

  “Now stand back! Let justice, be...”

  “[Mmmph!]”

  “Did you hear that?”

  “Nope.” “I didn’t hear any hostages.”

  “Probably a mouse.”

  “Yes, you’re right. Well, I’ll be off then.”

  “Everybody say goodnight, copper.”

  “Goodnight, copper.”

  “Good evening, citizens, now, let justice...”

  “[Mmmph! Mmmph! Mmmph!]”

  “That’s odd, I heard that sound again. It sounded very much like a female voice trying to make itself heard, but the sound is muffled, as if the speaker is gagged.”

  “Isn’t that interesting. Well, I’m sure you want to be getting your prisoner back to your horrible jail, right, copper?”

  “Yes, yes, of course, it’s just that... the distant voice sounded familiar somehow. In fact, I think it arose up from that peculiar door in your deck. Hello? Is anyone down there?”

  “[Mmmmph!]”

  “By Jove, I could almost say that girl’s voice reminds me of Persephone Plumtartt. Persephone? Is that you...”

  “Arrr! Belay all that snooping, copper! Come on, boys, get him!”

  “Aye!” “Arrrr!” “Down with arrrthority!”

  “What are you men doing? You’re trying to penetrate my blade resistant suit with your pitted old sabres! Shame on you! It’s the inside of Blackmoor for the lot of you, you rascals!”

  “Arrr! Get him!”

  “Aye, make him shut-up!”

  “Get those doors open, we’re headed for sea!”

  “Aye, aye!”

  “Secure that mad magistrate!”

  “Aye, aye!”

  “Hah. Good luck with that, mate.”

  ~Slish! Slash! Slice!~

  “Arrr. Those devilish daggers strapped to the out-sized and freakish suit-wearing copper’s gauntlets are a fair match for our cutlasses.”

  ~Clish! Clash! Clish! Clash!~

  “Arrr. Bugger for a fair match. The dock doors are open. Azreal, get below and make sure Black Dottie has Persephone under control. Have Corky engage the prop and bear us hard a’port as we exaunt our berth. That’ll take us out to the Channel.”

  “Aye, aye, Johnny!”

  “Hey, where’s the fancy little monkey? I thought he was dead.”

  “Arrr! The hairy monster is down here!”

  “Then kill it, Azreal!”

  “I’m trying to, but I can’t catch it!”

  “Dottie, help Azreal!”

  “I can’t let go of this blasted Plumtartt wench!”

  “Yargh! Stop it! Stop it! I’m going to kill you!”

  “What is happening down there, Azreal?”

  “The chimp is in the galley and flinging all the stores down the passage! I can’t get close. He is ruining all the food!”

  “Kill him!”

  “Aye! Arrr! Blast your lights! The beast is disrupting everybody’s lockers! Ugh! Somebody’s laundry stinks! Hey, why would one of you fellows have all this ladies’ lingerie? Ow! Now he’s throwing the fitter’s tools! That wrench would have hurt! I think it left a dent in the bulwark. Uh oh, now he’s in Captain Goldbuckets’ quarters. Oh, this is awful! I am trying to dissuade him, but this animal is running amok with all your belongings, Johnny. He smashed that bottle of brandy you’ve been saving. Oh, drat, now he has smashed your personal shaving mirror. Tsk, tsk, now he has taken up your prized souvenir, cannonball that you saved after surviving an assault by Her Majesty’s Ship Repulsive. He has paused, feeling the heft of the naval heirloom. He nods, as if in simian approval. He holds the steel orb behind his back as he bends over to survey me carefully. He now quickly checks, port and starboard, before standing straight again with the ball clutched closely to his chest. Uh, oh, he is spinning the ball around and around in a big circle as if winding a spring. Standing sideways to me, he raises a foot and unfurls his ball bearing yard. Eek, he means to fling the missile at me!”

  ~who-ish!~

  “Ha! You missed! That cannonball missed me and...”

  ~ker-PIIIIIISSSSSSHHHH!!!~

  “Aieee! The electric eels! Dr. Icky has smashed the electric eel tank! Now there’s half a yard of water and dozens of giant, angry, electric eels all over the decks!”

  “Eek! I’m getting out of here!”

  “Black Dottie, get back below!”

  “Not on your life, Johnny.”

  “Azreal, get back down there!”

  “Can’t stands giant eels, Johnny.”

  “Corky, get back down there! Who’s driving the boat?”

  “I guess the eels are, Captain Goldbuckets.”

  “Well tell the eels that they’re going the wrong way!”

  “Will the electric charges from the eels foul any of the machinery?”

  “Nah, it’s all manual controls, though I suppose if one of the monsters decides to wind about the rudder wheel, he may have a go at it. Uh oh, it looks as if one of the freakish brutes has taken a fancy to the helm. Oh, well, otherwise, the only electrics on this boat is the propulsion, really. I guess, yeah, j
ust that, the propulsion and the torpedo launchers.”

  ~Phoomp! whhirrr-whhooooshhhzzzz!~

  “Oops, I think we just fired a torpedo, Captain.”

  “Oh, it just missed that scow!”

  “Tee, hee! It went below the barge!”

  “It’s going to hit the wharf of the Shadwell Basin!”

  ~Kah-BOOOOOM!!!~

  “Aye!”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “You men quit your riggin’ friggin’ and get this ship under control!”

  “Any of you brave lads up for a bit of electric eel wrestling?”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “Nay!”

  “Is anyone curious as to the effectiveness of this deck gun?”

  “Aye!”

  “No! We have to get the boat under control and get back to sea!”

  “Yar, har! I can see the office of Maritime Commerce coming into view. Trajectory plotted,... Fire!”

  ~Pow!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOOOM!!!~

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “Score one for the good guys!”

  “You men quit firing that gun!”

  “Don’t get hot, Johnny, a pirate’s got to be a pirate, roight?”

  “Hey, there’s that pub from which I was rudely and unfairly ejected.”

  “Roight! Trajectory plotted,... Fire!”

  ~Pow!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOOOM!!!~

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “Dottie, secure the helm!”

  “No, Johnny!”

  “I’ll double your share of all future spoils!”

  “ . . .”

  “I’ll make ye’ first mate!”

  “Done! Oh, I hope my thick soled, thigh-high platform pirate boots insulate me from those eels’ dynamic energies flitting about the cabin. These leather gloves will have to do the trick. I’ll stop here, at the halfway point down the ladder. There’s over two feet of water on the deck. Electric charges are hopping all around the cabin. I can’t get to the helm without being electrocuted and bitten. Persephone is free of your cabin, Johnny, but her hands are still tied behind her back and she’s still gagged.”

  “Where is the caped ape?”

  “I don’t see him... Ha, ha! There he is! I did not see him at first, because he was so covered up with eels! Again, and again, and again, the eels are shocking and biting the creature. He is in some sort of paralysis. Hello, what’s he doing? In a supreme display of will, he has snatched a terrible hold on one eel. The terrible grip has forced the monster to release its bite. This creature is flung away and now a new eel is seized upon. This electro-cutioner is likewise vigorously disregarded.”

  “Do something, Black Dottie!”

  “I’m trying to climb over there without stepping in the water to be electrocuted or attacked by electric eel, you jerk!”

  “[Mmmph!]”

  “Bleh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.”

  “The Temperance monster is dispatching his tormentors with some alacrity, Johnny.”

  “Bleh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh!”

  “Dr. Icky is almost free of his dyno-biters!”

  “Bleh-eh-eh-eh-eh-Rargh!”

  “Eek! He’s going to get me! Hunh? He is not attacking me, but the Plumtartt wench. She has turned away in fear and he prepares to slay her with a mighty slash across her back with his terrible claws!”

  ~Slice!~

  “Hunh? He missed! He did not touch her at all, except the ropes, binding her hands. He cut through those ropes in a single slash!”

  “Dottie, Gain the helm, lass!”

  “Let me see if I can stab an eel with my cutlass...”

  ~Ker-BRRZZZZCK!~

  “Arrrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-nnnck.”

  “Dottie!”

  “Wuff. Sorry, Johnny, no can do.”

  “Ah, I say, this is so much more pleasant without the requisite hostage gaggage. Mr. Temperance, I would encourage you to lend a hand above-decks, sir. There, now that my primal paramour has scampered out, I can turn my attention to this outlandish pirate beauty.”

  “Avast there, ye’ lubbered aristocrat, I’ll finish you yet.”

  “Not I think, in these quarters, Smudges. No, that’s not right. What is it again? Spotty? Oh, no, that has a rather unfortunate connotation associated with it and one’s underwear. What am I thinking? You are not accustomed to wearing pantaloons, are you, my dear Dorothy, eh hem?”

  “Arr! Belay that Dorothy bilge! I hates that name!”

  “Quite so, Dottie, for I tease you, of course. As the eels command this deck, I suggest that you and I retire topside to continue where we left off at the hotel.”

  “You use the aft hatch and I’ll use the fore...”

  “And I shall be armed and on deck a’fore, ye’. Along the way, I shall confiscate this discarded sword and bring it to bear against you, Black Dottie, thusly:”

  ~Klang!~

  “Arrr!” “I say, eh hem!”

  “Azreal, slay that opera-dressed orangutan as he emerges from the hatch!”

  “Aye!”

  “You men, this is your captain speaking! Belay that deck gun and help your mates. That outlandishly attired magistrate is murder!”

  “Never mind the copper, Johnny, for those eels have delivered us to the middle of the Pool. There’s a thousand ships in this here wide and open section of the Thames and we’ve already knocked two scows to the silty bottom. I don’t think we’ll fare so well when we slam into that steam-freighter, dead ahead.”

  “Hard to starboard!”

  “The eels are not responding to your commands, captain!”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “Belay all that laughter. This is not funny!”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  ~Phoomp! whhirrr-whhooooshhhzzzz!~

  “Tee, hee! The eels have fired another torpedo!”

  ~Bah-Blooomey!!!~

  “Hooray!”

  “Yar, har, har, har, har!”

  “Nice shooting, Mr. Eel. Steady on as she goes, if you please.”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “Belay that bilge! Give me the helm of this ship!”

  “You can have it, Johnny.”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “I mean someone go below and secure that wheel. We have to turn about and put to sea!”

  “How about let’s toss Corky down the chute. He’s supposed to be at the helm, anyway.”

  “Eek! No, please! I don’t want to be bit and electrocuted at the same time!”

  “Better you than us, mate! Ready, lads? Bon voy-ah-gey!”

  “Augh!”

  “Good! Now you men help take down that constable, and I’ll help Azreal dispose of the chimp.”

  “The skinny little thing is able to snap himself around inside that billowy cape. I can’t get a good strike on him!”

  “I see what you mean. Dottie, hurry up and finish that Plumtartt girl off and lend us a hand.”

  “Why don’t you hurry up with the thing in the hat and come help me? This Plumtartt girl is proving difficult.”

  “I say, thank you, Spottie.”

  “That was not intended to be a compliment, and don’t call me that.”

  “I shall accept the words as a compliment, nonetheless, Dorothy, dearest.”

  “Arrr!”

  ~~~~Pow! Pow! Pow!~

  ~Boom! Boom! Boom!~~~~

  “We’re taking fire! Where is our enemy?”

  “It’s the Tower! The Tower of London! That bloody old fort is firing on us!”

  “Return fire!”

  “Aye!”

  ~Pow!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOOOM!!!~

  ~~~~Pow! Pow! Pow!~

  ~Boom! Boom! Boom!~~~~

  ~Pow!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOOOM!!!~

  ~~~~Pow! Pow! Pow!~

  ~Boom! Boom! Boom!~~~~

  “Hold your fire! We are past the fort and out of range.

  “Someone alert the eels; we are fast approaching a bridge.”

  “Leave the pilots be. They’re performing most gran
d.”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “Aye, steady as she goes, Mr. Eel.”

  “Yar, har, har.”

  “The tide is with us, I think we’re going to make it.”

  “Blast it, we don’t want to make it. We’re going the wrong way!”

  “Too late, Johnny.”

  ~skraaaaaaaape.~

  “We made it through the bridge opening!”

  “Yeah, but we are left spinning in circles.”

  “Look out, we are spinning into another bridge. It’s a railway trestle.”

  “Stand by for impact!”

  ~Kling! Klang! Bbhanguhh!~

  “We made it, but we are spinning into another bridge.”

  “Lots of arches on this one, Johnny.”

  “Lots of rube rabble, too. The marks are lining the rail to marvel at our uncanny sight.”

  “What are you people looking at? Nobody wants to see a bridge load of gawkers, peering down at ‘em. Pop off a shot at that nosey bunch with that deck gun.”

  “Aye, aye, Mr. Starbuck! The boat is spinning like a top, but I’m rotating the gun on its spindle, maintaining a positive target on one locale.”

  “Don’t shoot our mast and platform amidships!”

  “Oops, roight. I think the pedestrians are taking the hint, and buggering off. I need to hurry and take the shot, or there won’t be anybody left to kill.”

  ~Pow!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOOOM!!!~

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “I think they all got away!”

  “Did you see the look on their faces when they realized we were actually going to fire? Priceless!”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “Bah! Stop all this mischief at once! You rascals are all under arrest.”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “Oh, why don’t you go arrest yourself, copper?”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “I kid you not! Stop all this wanton destruction this very instant. You men are under arrest and in my custody!”

  ~Slish! Slash! Slice!~

  “Oh, this brutal copper has slished me sword right out of me hands!”

  “He slashed mine as well!”

  “Oh, if only mine were only slished or slashed, but no, did you see mine? Me cutlass was sliced right out of me poor arthritic fingers!”

  “We surrender, oh, kindly city officer. We prevail on you to have mercy on these poor, honest seamen that have unfortunately lost their way and gone astray from the narrow path of righteousness.”

  “Oh, yes, we beseech ye’ shipmate. Just think of all the titanic battles we have fought together.”