The Two Faces of Temperance

by Ichabod Temperance

  “It would be heart-breaking to be slain now, copper, after all the good times and bad we have shared. We’ve learned our lesson. We truly pledge to be good and law-abiding, from now and ever after, right lads?”

  “Arrr. Aye. Arrr.”

  “Well, you elderly lads are convincingly repentant. I suppose I could give you one more chance. Do you promise to be good from now on?”

  “Arrr, I can feel me heart taking on a new coat o’ varnish with me first honest words in many a year.”

  “Aye.”

  “Hah. I must say, you boys renew my faith in humanity...”

  “Get him!” “Aye, strike now!” “Arrr!”

  “Bah! You treacherous seamen were just trying to lure me into relaxing my guard! Shame on you for your duplicity! Attempting to fool an official of Scotland Yard will be an offense added to your many charges!”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  ~~~~~~~

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  “Stand still, you horrible animal!”

  “I can’t get a good stab on him, Azreal.”

  “I can’t stick the horrible Dr. Icky either, Johnny. All I get is cape when I slash or stab, and then claws and fangs in return.”

  “If we had one mate to help us, we could finish him off. Hey, it looks like Dottie is getting the better of Persephone. In a another moment, she’ll be done and ready to lend a hand. Hey, we could use another blade over here, Black Dottie.”

  “I’ll be right there, Johnny! I’m almost done with Persephone. Well, I guess this is it for you, little girl. I am just too big and strong for you. I can tell I am wearing you down. Now I shall finish you-woah!”

  “I say, one is not finished quite yet, Dorothy, for your over-confidence has led to your literal down fall. With my sword at your throat, it appears that I have you, my dear, at my mercies, eh hem?”

  “Azrael, Persephone has Black Dottie down! Break off from the monkey and skewer that devil débutante in the back.”

  “Aye, aye, Johnny.”

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  “Aiieee! It’s got me! Help!”

  “The little chimp has Scurvybones down. Johnny, he has drawn back his claws to slash Azrael’s throat out!”

  “No!”

  “The beast has paused!”

  “No, Mr. Temperance.”

  “The monster is affected by the sound of Persephone’s voice.”

  “Do not kill that man.”

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  “Yes, I know he killed my friend.”

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  “Yes, I know he was trying to kill me.”

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  “Yes, I know that you are acting to save me.”

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  “No.”

  “Bleh-Rargh!”

  “No, Mr. Temperance, you are not a killer. You are at a pivotal crossroads, sir. You must decide whether to give in to a base instinct, crossing a line in the proverbial sand of this mortal moral desert, or, will you cling to the wholesome values that define whom you are as a person? I implore you, do not become a killer, Mr. Temperance.”

  “Attack, men! The dapper creature hesitates!”

  “But what about Black Dottie, Johnny? Persephone still has a sword at her throat.”

  “Hang Black Dottie, I want that duke boy arrested!”

  “Johnny!”

  “Nothing personal, Dot. Ship’s business.”

  “Hey, this stupid monkey is falling asleep. Now I can help Dottie.”

  “Oh, drat, I am losing my momentary advantage and must release my prisoner that I may assume a more defensive position.”

  “Oh, Dottie, my darling lass, words fail me in conveying how happy I am at seeing you released unharmed.”

  “Stow it, Johnny, I’m...”

  “We’re headed for the Southbank! Stand by for impact!”

  ~kurrrge!~

  “We’re run aground! The ship is caught fast in these small craft docked along the quay!”

  “Oh, dear, Mr. Temperance’s unconsciousness and inert body is rolling off the deck and into the river! Unh! I’ve got you! One does not wish you to drown, sir. I say, you are transforming. The facial hair is less so, and the fangs recede. Ah, yes, it is now the familiar, if slack, features of Mr. Ichabod Temperance that hang from my hand above the Thames.”

  “Abandon ship! Disperse and we’ll reconvene at a later date!”

  “Aye!”

  “Bah! Come back here! You unruly seamen are under arrest!”

  “Yar, har, har!”

  “Eek! It’s the city police! There’s a hundred constables about!”

  “Arrr! We be surrounded by lubbery lawmen. What do we do, Johnny?”

  “Hmm? Oh, yes, Constables! I am so happy to see you. You have arrived just in time. I am Johnny Goldbuckets. I am a high ranking cabinet official in Parliament. I want all these men arrested at once.”

  “I am afraid that the rolls of this collar shall include you, Johnny Goldbuckets.”

  “Herbertte Marshall, am I glad to see you, old boy! This whole plot has been at the hands of that infernal Plumtartt woman. She is the one who needs to be arrested. She is over there, draped over the side of the boat, with Dr. Icky, her monstrous comrade, in hand. They are the ones that need arresting. Thank Goodness you were here to intercede before this riff-raff escaped. I discovered Persephone’s diabolical plan and have acted to thwart it with all my energy.”

  “Nice try, Johnny, but the jig is up and you are coming with me.”

  “I say, might one ask for a bit of assistance, eh hem? One finds oneself in a difficult quandary.”

  “Ha, ha! Here I am, Persephone. What do you have down there? Why look, it’s our little Dr. Icky!”

  “Howdy, Miss Dipsy, Ma’am.”

  “Ha, ha! Here we go, I’ll hoik him up.”

  ~hoik!~

  “Gee, thanks, Miss Dipsy, Ma’am. Oh, Miss Plumtartt, what has happened?”

  “You have persevered and triumphed over adversity, sir. Your reputation shall soon be restored.”

  “But what about the murders?”

  “Do you see these many criminals being arrested by the greater swarm of blue-clad bobbies? These are a band of ruthless pirates. Among them are our assassin culprits.”

  “Gee!”

  “Ha, ha! He still looks like a monkey in a top hat!”

  “I say, be that as it may, this little monkey belongs to me!”

  “Mmmmmm!”

  Chapter Ten.

  The Voyage Home.

  “Ha, ha! Don’t mind me! I see you two are busy. I’ll go help Nichodimus out of his springing suit.”

  “Mmm-wah! Mmmm-wah! Mmm-wah!”

  “Oh my Goodness, I’m so sorry I said those awful things to you, Miss Plumtartt! I know you never meant me no harm! I’m so sorry I was mean to you!”

  “There, there, Mr. Temperance, all that is behind us. I have no doubts as to your being able to maintain control over your behaviour from this time forward.”

  “Yes, Ma’am, I’m a good boy.”

  “I confess, I was most surprised to see you once again in the form of Dr. Icky. One had thought you had ceased all interaction with Professor Diddlefudde.”

  “Yes, Ma’am, I had, but he showed up at the Tower of London and he convinced me that the only way to save you was to take the Dr. Icky serum one more time.”

  “One is consoled to see a happy conclusion to this tawdry episode in the adventures of Ichabod Temperance.”

  “Who said anything about conclusions? Did I say anything about conclusions? I don’t think I did and I think I would have noticed, for I am standing right next to me. Conclusions. Bah! I have much more research to conduct! We are just getting started. Now then, where is that miserable little specimen? Is there anything left? Ah, here it is. Now then, I must conduct an examination. Open your mouth, Temperance, and say ‘ah’, but do it while you are inhaling, because I don’t want to smell your breath. It’s much bet
ter if you have to suffer mine.”

  “Yessir, Professor Diddlefudde. Ahhh...”

  “Your tongue looks like the blended surface of Mars and the Moon as rendered by a finger painting, drunken toddler. Now, drop your trousers, I wish to take your temperature.”

  “Is this another trick?”

  “I wish it was.”

  “I say, Professor Diddlefudde, Mr. Temperance is quite finished with your experiments!”

  “But Persephone, doll-baby, just wait until you get a load of the upgrades I have made to the latest batch. You are going to love it! Plus, you are bound to be spectacularly impressed by my intellectual capacities.”

  “One thinks not.”

  “Sure, I’ll show you. Come here, Icksy, now this won’t hurt a bit.”

  “Nossir!”

  “I say, Professor Diddlefudde, no-ohh!”

  “What is wrong with you, Persephone, you got in my way! Couldn’t you see what I was doing? I tried to inject Temperance, but instead, you, Persephone, have taken the serum! This batch was quite a doozy, too, I tell you. The recipe for this formula is intended to bring about drastic effects in the male specimen. An unexpected injection into the Plumtartt female could produce unusual results. In my expert opinion, there’s no telling what it will do. I wonder what’s going to happen? Hey, Persephone, how do you feel?”

  “I say, I am most angry, of course, Professor.”

  “You are a little flushed, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

  “No, Mr. Temperance, I assure you, I feel fine. Yes, One has a complete sense of wellness. I’ve never felt better in my life. I am fantastic! A warm sense of euphoria blooms and spreads throughout my extremities. I am seeing the world in a whole new light. These stupid pirates are only matched by the ineptitude of the authorities. I’ve seen it at every level of society. Bunglers, failures, and chattel compete for dominance over cheaters, thieves, and assorted scoundrels. Rank incompetence, misappropriation of funds, and governmental corruption eats at this country’s foundations. Great Britain’s Regality is out of date. A new leader is called for, to set this empire’s ship of state upon a proper course.”

  “Um, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am? Maybe you'd like to sit down for a minute?”

  “I say, I have no need to sit; I have need for action! Let the leeches be idle; as for myself, I choose to seize the moment!”

  “Miss Plumtartt, come back! Where are you going, Ma’am?”

  “She’s running for the bow. She’s going to jump into the wreckage of boats!”

  “I say!”

  “Great Aerial Aristocrats, did you see that, Nicky? Persephone just made a thirty foot leap to the embankment!”

  “Burb, burb, burb, are you all right, Miss? You just took a tremendous...”

  “Unhand, me, you swine!”

  ~swatte!~

  “Ooph!”

  “Dipsy, did you see that? Persephone just swatted that Bobby to the ground!”

  “Yeah, Nichodimus, and then she knocked down two more. She has to be stopped!”

  “Oh, my Goodness, y’all, Miss Plumtartt is out of control! Woah! She just made another incredible leap up to the rail of that bridge. Incredibly, she is maintaining her balance. In a wide stance, she arches her back, throws out her arms and laughs to the sky. She is nimbly running down the top of the rail. Now she’s gone!”

  “That girl has ruined my experiment! Temperance, this is all your fault. I told you to get rid of that girl a week ago. I worked hard on that serum. That was a particularly potent and expensive batch. I expect the results of her tampering and interference to be unpredictable. Not to mention that this formula had an element intended to instill permanency in the resulting transformation unless this antidote were injected within the next thirty minutes. Hey, what are you doing, Temperance? Give me back that hypodermic syringe, you thieving little monkey!”

  “Bah. What are you doing, Temperance? Get out of those spring boots!”

  “I need to borry the boots I made for you, Detective Nick, so’s I can chase after Miss Plumtartt.”

  “That is police business, young man. Though you built them, those boots are now the property of Scotland Yard. Get out of that suit, Ichabod.”

  “Nossir.”

  “I understand your wanting to rescue your girl, but those boots are constructed for a man a foot taller and double your weight. The device is calibrated for a larger man, and you can’t control it. By my authority as a police constable, I am ordering you, Ichabod, get out of those spring boots!”

  “Nossir! I don’t care about no calibrations! I have to be the one to save her! I think that only I can do it!”

  “Bah. No more playing around. I’m yanking you out of my boots right

  now

  w

  w

  w

  w!”

  ~splash!~

  “Ha, ha! Sorry, Nicky, it looks like I ‘accidentally’ pushed you over the rail and into the drink!”

  “Oh, my Goodness, what does this mean?”

  “Ha, ha! It means you need to strap on your jumping boots, boy! Go save Persephone, you silly twit!”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Dipsy, Ma’am!”

  ~SPROING!!!!~

  “OOOOOOOhhhhhhhh........

  …...mmmmmy Goodnesssssss....

  …......ssssss!”

  ~Kuh-Burge!~

  Oh, golly, I don’t like having to land on these things. Well, I made it to the bridge. Those shocked onlookers tell me she must have gone thataways, across the bridge.

  “Watch out, y’all! Coming through!”

  ~Pirk-click~boing-boing~Schwing!~

  ~Pirka. Pirka. Chinga-pirk-pirk~

  ~Pirk-click~boing-boing~Schwing!~

  ~Pirka. Pirka. Chinga-pirk-pirk~

  ~Pirk-click~boing-boing~Schwing!~

  ~Pirka. Pirka. Chinga-pirk-pirk~

  Gee, these things really do leap better than they walk, don’t they?

  “I see something lying on the bridge. It’s Miss Plumtartt’s blue hat!”

  Now I am at an intersection. Which way did she go? Oh, I see something lying in the road again. It’s Miss Plumtartt’s blue jacket. I reckon she discarded it when she took off up this street.

  I see something else up ahead of the same colour. It’s Miss Plumtartt’s bustle. I know I am hot on her trail. There, I see something of the same colour blue. It’s Miss Plumtartt’s dress! What’s that I see? It’s white. I ain’t sure, but I think this is one of Miss Plumtartt’s slips, or petticoats. Gee whiz, I think this must be her blouse. Oh my Goodness, I must be getting close. I saw something white being flung up in the air, just ahead but from where I can’t see. Here it is on the ground. Oh my goodness, I think these are a pair of ladies’ bloomers!

  “Miss Plumtartt! Please stop! I want to talk to you-woah! Ain’t you chilly, Ma’am? You are down to your silken unmentionables. You have three inches of bare leg flesh showing between the top of your hose, and where they are gartered to the bottom of your corset! Let me find something to cover you up with.”

  “Bee-yahhhh, ha, ha, ha! Ichabod! I should have known you would come trotting along behind. Soon the world will be filled with nothing but affectionate little puppies such as yourself.”

  “You don’t need no affectionate puppies other than me, Ma’am. Why don’t you put your clothes back on? I’m sure you’ll feel better.”

  “Ha! I don’t believe it possible for me to feel better than I do right now! Soon, the entire world will revel in my happiness!”

  “Yes, Ma’am, I’m sure that will be a happy time, all right. Now, I wish you’d let me explain something. You don’t know it, but you might be experiencing some pharmaceutically enhanced changes, Miss Plumtartt. Now I’ve got some medicine that...”

  “Unh! My word, one is experiencing the queerest sensation. Burning pain runs the length of my spine. Now it localizes itself at the base of my spinal cord in my coccyx. The column of my entire backbone prepares itself in expectation of what comes.
The burning sensation slowly pushes up through my lumbar. It climbs higher. Ichabod, what is this strange, yet beautiful pain? She is between my shoulder blades! That’s it, rise, my darling! Up through my cervical vertebrae and into my skull! You are here, my precious child! Yes, yes, I am here, but I must part! Yes, you must part! Yes, I must parrrr-rrrr-rrrr-rrrrrrr...”

  “Um, Miss Plumtartt?”

  “Uh, yuh, yuh, yuh, yuh...”

  “Are you all right, Ma’am?”

  “... yuh, yuh, yuh, yuh...”

  “Miss Plumtartt?”

  “... yuh, yuh, yu-eeeerrrrnnnnnnnhhhh!”

  “Miss Plumtartt, maybe you should sit down for a min-ohh! Oh my gosh, what is happening to your neck? There is a big bulge under your left ear!”

  “...eeerrrnnnhhh...”

  “It’s getting bigger! It’s spreading down your neck! Oh, golly, it’s swelling straight out towards your shoulder!”

  “...eeennnrrrhhh!...”

  “Oh no! The growth is huge! It’s almost as big as your head! The horrible blob has pushed your head over to the side and out of alignment.”

  “...eeerrrnnnnhhh...”

  “Eek! It is coming off! Well, it’s separating away from your head, even if it does still have a strong purchase on your shoulders.”

  “...eeerrrnnnhhh!...”

  “Eew-wuh. There’s just a big blubbery hunk of flesh, sticking up next to your head, Miss Plumtartt. Miss Plumtartt? Are you okay? You appear to be in a trance.”

  “...eerrnnhh...”

  “That growth on your shoulder is still changing, somehow...”

  “...eerrnnhh....”

  “Features are forming...”

  “...eerrnnhh...”

  “Hair is growing...”

  “There is almost a discernible face...”

  “.eerrnnhh.” “.eerrnnhh.”

  “Uh, oh...”

  “.eerrnnhh.” “.eerrnnhh.”

  “That face is now all too discernible.”

  “.eerrnnhh.” “.eerrnnhh.”

  “That second face is becoming more clear and lovely with every passing moment.”

  “.eerrnnhh.” “.eerrnnhh.”

  “I’d know those beautiful features anywheres.”

  “.eerrnnhh.” “.eerrnnhh.”