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The Two Faces of Temperance

Page 19

by Ichabod Temperance

“Miss Plumtartt?...”

  “Eerrnnhh!” “Eerrnnhh!”

  “Ma’am’s?...”

  “Eerrnnhh! Eerrnnhh!”

  “Uhmm...”

  “Oh! Oh, yes! Ah, hahhh, ah, ha, ha, ha!”

  “Miss Plumtartts, Ma’ams?”

  “I say!”

  “Quite right!”

  “Jolly good!”

  “Ahhhh-hahahahahahahaha!”

  “Miss Plumtartts? I think you need to sit down, Ma’ams.”

  “One such as

  you must

  kneel,”

  “but Ones

  such as we

  must rule!”

  “Please, Miss Plumtartt? I care deeply for you and don’t want to see any harm come to you.”

  “You care?”

  “for us”

  “do you?”

  “How sweet.”

  “More than that, Miss Plumtartt...”

  “Yes?”

  “I love you, Persephone Plumtartt.”

  “Ahhhh-hahahahaha!”

  “You love us?”

  “Of course

  you do,

  dear boy!”

  “Soon, the

  whole world

  will love us!”

  “Ahhhh-hahahahahahaha!”

  “We have

  held feelings

  for you,”

  “Ichabod.”

  “One has

  shown restraint

  in showing,”

  “One’s

  affections,”

  “but,”

  “now,”

  “One,”

  “is Two,”

  “and we

  think,”

  “we shall

  throw off,”

  “those silly

  inhibitions.”

  “Uhm, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am?”

  “Yes, there

  is something

  different

  about you

  tonight,

  Ichabod.”

  “You are

  taller in

  those spring

  boots.”

  “Yes,

  we like it,

  don’t we,

  Persephone,

  darling?”

  “Yes,

  Persephone,

  we find that

  stretching

  up to

  embrace,”

  “and

  hold

  our

  Ichabod”

  “tight,”

  “to be a”

  “pleasing”

  “thing.”

  “Um, Miss Plumtartt?...”

  “Kiss me!”

  “Mmmmm!”

  “Yes,

  now kiss me!”

  “Mmmmm!”

  “I want to

  kiss him!”

  “Mmmmm!”

  “Yes, and

  so do I!”

  “Mmmmm!”

  “Now it’s

  my turn!”

  “Mmmmm!”

  “Ha, ha, ha!

  Now more

  for me!”

  “Mmmmm!”

  “Mmm-wah!”

  “Mmm-wah!”

  “Mmm-wah!”

  “Mmm-wah!”

  “Ahhhhh-hahahahahaha!”

  “There will

  be time

  for you,

  later.”

  “Ichabod.”

  “We have

  much to

  accomplish

  tonight.”

  “Stop by

  our new

  quarters at

  Westminster

  in about

  an hour.”

  “We will

  be ready

  for you

  by then.”

  “Yes, Ma’am. Oops, I mean, no! Miss Plumtartt, wait! Come back! Oh, dang it, I reckon I missed a good opportunity to give Miss Plumtartt the remedy. Oh, golly, I better hustle over to Westminster Palace in a hurry before Miss Plumtartts get into trouble!”

  ~ * * * ~

  “Hello,

  Big Ben,”

  “how lovely

  to see you.”

  “T’is a pity

  that I have

  but two

  beautiful

  faces,”

  “to your

  handsome

  four.”

  “Ahhhh, ha, ha, ha!”

  “Tell us,

  sir,”

  “what is

  the hour?”

  “We wish

  to know

  the time”

  “of our

  ascension.”

  “Midnight.”

  “A fitting

  hour.”

  “Many

  members and

  sycophants of

  Parliament

  will still

  be here,”

  “to witness

  the

  coronation.”

  “You

  Guardsmen!”

  “Open those

  doors!”

  “Your new

  Queen

  approaches!”

  “Cor’ bloimey, do you see wot Oye’m seeing?”

  “I sees it, but I ain’t believing it.”

  “Me eyes don’t know whether to looks her up, or looks her down.”

  “We said,”

  “to open

  those doors!”

  “Halt! You girls do not appear to be in a safe or proper state of mind. You may not enter.”

  “Ahhhh, hahahahahaha!”

  “Did you

  hear that,

  Persephone?”

  “I did,

  Persephone,

  darling.”

  “Shall we?”

  “Oh yes,

  dear,

  let us

  indulge

  ourselves.”

  “Hey, lady, what are you-auauauauauaugh!”

  “You two-headed vixen, you pitched me chum twenty feet! I’ll fix you-ouououououououph!”

  “Oh, pooh,”

  “it appears,”

  “we must let

  ourselves

  in.”

  “Opening

  our own

  door,”

  “will

  not be

  tolerated,”

  “in the

  Plumtartt

  Regime.”

  “If we

  must open

  the door

  ourselves,”

  “then let

  us do so

  with gusto.”

  “A

  ‘Lotus Blossom

  Pinwheel’

  perhaps,

  eh hem?”

  “Yes,

  dearest,

  but let us

  execute

  it as a

  flying

  maneuver,

  eh hem?”

  “Of course,

  darling.”

  “Wah-Hai-ah-wuh, Eeeee-iyiaeaw!”

  ~CRASH!~

  ~ ~ ~

  “My word, did you hear that, Sir Reginald?”

  “Burbity. Indeed, Sir Geoffrey. I heard it and felt it as well. It was as if the Clock Tower had been struck, perhaps in the manner of a runaway tram, or by battering ram.”

  “I had the same sensation. What do you suppose it was?”

  “I haven’t the foggiest notion, old boy. Hello, do you hear? I daresay there is a commotion in the intervening hall.”

  “Is there an uprising of some kind?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, sir.”

  “Attention, everyone present in the House of Commons, please be quiet. There appears to be some sort of security issue concerning Westminster’s safety.”

  “Shh, shh, shh!”

  “Shh!”

  “Shh!”

&nb
sp; “Everyone stop shushing!”

  “I hear the confident tread of a single person approaching.”

  “I hear the sentry on the other side of the door give challenge.”

  “Aye, and I hear the lad being flung away like so much Tory tripe.”

  “Booo!” “Yay!”

  “Gentlemen, put aside your partisanship for just a moment, and...”

  ~CRASH!~

  “Bow

  your heads,

  gentlemen,”

  “your new

  Queens

  are arrived!”

  “Great Scott, that woman is inappropriately attired!”

  “See here, young lady, your knickers are showing!”

  “There is a time and place to display your feminine charms, dear girl, but at midnight in Parliament’s House of Commons is not the place.”

  “Hear, hear, though, your silken undergarments go a great distance in filling the Ship of State’s, ‘sails’, I must say, bup, bup, bup.”

  “Aye, she stiffens more than me upper lip!”

  “Don’t let the outrageous display of her incredible beauty sway you, gentlemen. This suffragette is obviously just making a cry for attention and publici... Eek! I just noticed, as my eyes had not gotten that far yet, she has two heads!”

  “Two heads? Why that’s preposterous. I’ll have to pry my vision just a little higher to verify this intelligen...Eek! She is a two-headed beauty! She wants double the vote!”

  “Burbity! Look there, those Whiggies are right! That social bedbug is a monster!”

  “Ahhh-hahahahaha!”

  “Good

  evening,

  gentlemen,”

  “do we

  really,”

  “need to

  introduce”

  “ourselves,”

  “eh hem?”

  “It’s Persephone Plumtartt!”

  “Yes, and she’s Persephone Plumtartt, also!”

  “Yes, we are!”

  “We

  are now,”

  “Queens

  of the

  Empire!”

  “You are

  our new

  Parliament,”

  “and we

  expect you,”

  “to do

  as you are

  instructed.”

  “Begin

  work

  immediately,”

  “on our

  coronation

  ceremony.”

  “Further,”

  “on

  that same

  line of

  thought,”

  “of

  Victoria,

  we should

  like,”

  “a care

  be taken.”

  “That is,”

  “so to speak,”

  “Dispensed.”

  “Disposed.”

  “Dissolved.”

  “Great Tinned Biscuits, she’s mad! Stop that girl!”

  “We say,

  it is you,”

  “who are

  mad,”

  “if you

  think us

  mad,”

  “or that

  we can

  be stopped.”

  “Ahhhh-hahahahahahaha!”

  “England’s

  Crown

  Jewels”

  “fail

  to do

  Her new

  Queen

  justice!”

  “There

  is not

  enough

  glory,”

  “throughout

  the Empire,”

  “to outshine

  your new

  Empress!”

  “You outrageous woman! This has gone far enough! This is the heart of the British Empire and you will show the House of Commons more respect!”

  “We say,

  this

  Parliament

  belongs

  to us now.”

  “Do not

  be so

  impudent

  as to think

  this body

  of men

  could oppose

  the

  inescapable

  conclusion

  that we,”

  “and we

  alone,”

  “are

  destined

  to rule.”

  “Westminster

  had better

  become

  accustomed

  to doing

  things

  our way

  in short

  order,”

  “eh hem?”

  “Bup, bup, bup. I’ll take this deranged woman in hand myself.”

  “Ha!”

  ~Slappe!~

  “Ooph!”

  “She just slapped down M. of P. Snotwroucks. This infernal woman means to intimidate our illustrious body into treasonable compliance; and by force, no less! Inconceivable! Bup, bup, bup.”

  “Burbity. Come now, gentlemen, we must put thoughts of party loyalty aside and move against this fearful creature en masse.”

  “Hear, hear. So too, must we put aside socially prudent ideals as we appropriate the girl, manually, so to speak. Harumph. It behooves one to actually put one’s un-gloved hands upon her bare, female flesh. Yes, an unpleasant chore to be sure, but one must endure for the good of the Empire. Harumph.”

  “Charge!”

  “Ha, ha!”

  “Good luck

  with that boys!”

  “We say,”

  “bring it forth,

  eh hem?”

  “Burbity!” “Harumph!” “Bup, bup, bup!”

  “Oof!” “Oof!” “Oof!”

  “Hear, hear!”

  “Smashing!”

  “This is

  jolly fun,

  eh, what?”

  “Rather!”

  “Oh,

  Persephone?”

  “Yes,

  Persephone?”

  “Are

  you thinking,

  what I’m

  thinking?”

  “Why,

  I believe

  I am,

  my dear.”

  Mon-archy for the U. K.!

  We’re your Empress,

  the name’s Persephone!

  Our figure is enough

  to stop a traffic line,

  Our new subjects,

  will like it just fine!

  Send out the word,

  across the Nation.

  From Edinburgh,

  to Waterloo Station.

  Feel free to feast your eyes,

  with fascination.

  My ascendancy,

  is a time of celebration,

  because:

  I-I-I-I-I-I-I....

  want to li-i-i-i-i-ive,

  in my monarchy!

  ~~~~~~

  Persph-archy for the U. K.!

  Your new Empress

  is Persephone!

  Each one of you,

  is a stale old fart,

  the people will adore,

  Empress Plumtartt!

  Everyone knows,

  two heads are better than one.

  The world will grovel,

  before we’re done.

  Disrupting Parliament just for fun,

  and the pleasure,

  of seeing you run!

  One head might be good,

  and one head might be mean,

  but for better or worse,

  We’re your Queen!

  Because youuuu...,

  want to li-i-ive....,

  under Persephone!

  “Now then,

  let us

  see to the

  gentlemen

  on the

  other end

  of the

  hall.”

  “Oh, pooh,”

  “another

  door,”
>
  “and

  no-one

  left standing

  to open it

  for us.”

  “Another

  spin kick,

  dearest?”

  “One

  feels impelled

  to hit

  something.”

  “Would

  you like

  to punch it,

  dear?”

  “One

  thinks

  we should

  like that

  very much.”

  ~Punch!~

  ~SMASH!~

  “Let every face

  look upon us in

  worshipful joy!”

  “We go now

  to greet our

  newly

  appropriated

  subjects.”

  “Stop, Miss! This is Westminster Palace; you can’t come in here dressed like...”

  ~Bip!~

  “Westminster Guard down! Eek! I am being assaulted by a beautiful monst...Augh!”

  ~Bop!~

  “Guards, guards! Westminster is under attack! All guards to the central lobby!”

  “Ahhhh-hahahahaha!”

  “You men,”

  “come to

  attention!”

  “Queens Persephone are arrived!”

  “Help, the Palace is under attack! All Westminster Palace Guards, defend the central lobbies!”

  “Eek! She’s a monster!”

  ~Clip!~

  “Aiee! The scantily clad lass moves too fast!”

  ~Clop!~

  “Augh! Oye’ve been mis-used!”

  “Ha, ha!”

  “We say,”

  “we are not

  above,”

  “instilling

  discipline”

  “among the

  troops.”

  “Yoikes! She’s coming at me! Oof! That double she-demon has relieved me of me pole arm. She uses it to vault over the heads of a phalanx of Guardsmen.”

  ~thwuuuhhph!~

  “Augh!”

  ~thumpity, tumble-tumble, thump!~

  “That single duo of deadly cuties just used me pole to sweep all me mates off their feets! Our lads are strewn about like so much harvested wheat.”

  “Take cover; she is going to throw that spear at somebody!”

  “No, she harpooned the hanging bolt of the central chandelier. Look out! It’s going to fall!”

  ~Crash!~

  “That horrible girl dropped the chandelier upon the Guard reinforcements that were coming to our rescue! We need reinforcements for the reinforcements, on the double!”

  “Eek! That freakish woman is employing acrobatic springboards and cartwheeled momentum builders, occasioned with elbows, kicks, and leg-entwined neck throws to our fellow guards, to cross the hall, faster than we can pursue! The lethal lovely has crossed the lobbies to the House of Lords! There’s nothing to stop this terror-crat!”

  “We say,

  “something

  must be

  done about,”

  “the

  deplorable,”

  “chivalric,”

  “door

  opening,”

  “shortcomings,”

  “of this

  Palace.”

  “Do not,”

  “make

  us open

  this door

  ourselves.”

  “sigh.”

  “Very well.”

  “Hmm,”

  “this door

  opens

  outward.”

  “It

  might

  prove,”

 

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