Monochrome My Madness

by Ashleigh Giannoccaro

  The dry, dusty heat that assaults me as we exit the claustrophobic plane is like a wall it is so thick. It is dirty and dry and I can feel the sweat as it immediately begins to form a layer on my skin.

  The man, I saw through the window, comes to meet us, he is smiling and seems genuinely happy to see Callum.

  “Douglas, how are you?” Callum greets him excitedly. The two men embrace something I have never seen Callum do before with anyone.

  “Welcome friend we have missed you, it has been too long now.” The man has a different accent something entirely unique. Nothing like I have heard before. Callum turns so that he has his hand on the small of my back. I like the feel of his hands on me, the fierce protectiveness that come with his touch.

  “This is my wife, Shannon. Shannon this is my friend Douglas. He runs the lodge here.” Calum sounds different. He seems calm and that makes no sense to me.

  The man looks me up and down. I look at the floor his gaze making me uncomfortable. He smiles and laughs loudly, belly laughter from his soul. “Callum her pale Irish skin won’t last five minutes out here let’s get you two to the lodge.” He turns around to face the car and the two of them walk ahead of me a few steps. He slaps Callum on the shoulder and they whisper no doubt about me.

  The drive to this mysterious lodge is bumpy and unbearably hot. I can feel the sun scorching my exposed skin. All, I can think is sunburn, makes freckles! I am not sure what I expected, but the stone, glass and thatch building, we stop at, is beautiful. It has a unique smell to it as we walk inside. There are cold cocktails and terry towel cloths waiting for us on a tray next to two comfortable couches.

  “Drink, freshen up. I will take your bags up to the main house and fetch you just now.” Douglas tells us and then scurries away. ‘Just now.’ I have learned since can mean anything from a minute to a few days here. Time is something they have no regard for in Africa.

  Callum has shed his usual brooding frown for a relaxed smile. The way his face softens and his hair and beard seem scruffy make him look even sexier than he always does. He has also left his suits for khaki shorts and a white cotton shirt. It is like a whole other person has appeared in front of me. I feel a different heat creeping over me, it is as hot as all hell here but I burn with heat for him. Watching him unwind has made me horny. I wipe my face with the cool terry towel and it feels like heaven on my burnt skin. After a while of just lounging in the chairs waiting, Callum gets up. I follow him through the large thatch building and out onto a shady deck that overlooks a small watering hole. There are a number of animals out there trying to escape the heat.

  Callum grabs my hand and pulls me against him. “It is the most beautiful place on earth isn’t it Shannon?” He is hot and sweaty and smells all manly. It is so gross it’s sexy. “Hmm that it is,” I say as I watch an elephant drinking right in front of me. Callum kisses me right there while the animals watch, or don’t. His kiss is soft and tender, but full of promise. I want all the things that kiss promises me.

  Douglas interrupts our kiss with a throat clearing cough.

  “Callum tells me you didn’t bring your bride here on her honeymoon, I will slap you boy.” The man jokes with Callum. He sounds so bubbly and happy.

  Laughing Callum replies “No Douglas, we went to the island first. Madala, I can be a gentleman if I try.” His response makes me giggle a little. Gentleman my ass.

  “Come on you two I can’t have you scaring the wildlife with your animal noises if you get any closer out here.” Douglas jests with us and I blush redder than I already am.

  “Douglas!” Callum cuts him off mid-laugh and the man tries to pull himself together.

  “Let me take you up to the house, I will fetch you for a sundowner drive before dinner.” He is more formal now. As if Callum’s words have put him in his place.

  We walk along a wooden boardwalk that leads through the dense bush to a house made almost entirely of glass that is settled right in this incredible landscape. The smell of the thatch roof is intoxicating and wild. What is wilder is how badly I want to make animal sounds with Callum right now. It is as if he senses the urgent lust between us, Douglas disappears the second we are inside the house.

  Callum doesn’t wait either, grabbing onto me and lifting me up right there in the entrance of the house for the entire world to see. I can feel is erection between us as I wrap my legs around his waist and he strides further into the house that I can only describe as truly African. The wood and animal prints dominate the minimalistic décor making the place seem wild.

  We don’t get very far and Callum sets me down on the enormous dining table made of solid tree trunks. He shoves my skirt up over my thighs and rips my already soaking underwear off in a swift tug. Letting out a growl as he feels they are wet. “Fuck Shannon, you are all mine.” His deep voice makes me even more soaked as he starts to remove my shirt. I look over his shoulder to see that there is nothing but glass surrounding us and anyone could walk past and see us. “Callum people can see us.” I manage to get out as his fingers plunge into my pussy and I arch my back. “There is no one to see us. This is my lodge it is only Douglas here and he doesn’t want to see, trust me.” He continues to fuck me with his fingers. “But, I want to see Shannon, I want to see it all.” He pushes me back so I am lying down on the table. He stops and just looks over every inch of my body that is now exposed to him, and all the wildlife outside the building.

  He kneels down with the devils grin on his face and I know that this is exactly what it should be like. His tongue traces a line up my thigh and then does the same to the other. Only when I wrap my legs around his neck does he at last assault me with that sexy fucking mouth of his. His beard brushes against my sensitive pussy driving even closer to the high I am seeking. “Hmm you are so damn tasty Shannon.” he says after I have come undone and he stands between my now spread legs and undoes his belt. The sound alone gives me goosebumps. I reach forward to touch him and he swiftly grabs my wrists in his free hand and shakes his head at me. “No, Shannon. You are mine. I get to take what I need right now.” He binds my wrists tightly in the belt and shoves them above my head. My heart races and slows at the same time. I want the beast to come out and play with me.

  I feel the hard wood of the table as he thrusts into me over and over again. I want this so much. I don’t even feel conflicted about it any longer. I arch and buck and beg him to hurt me and fuck me harder. When his hand leaves my hips and grips tight around my throat I know we are both right there falling into ecstasy together. He stills and I see the brutality of his release as he falls on top of me crushing my body into the table. I slip my bound arms around his neck and we just wait until we have the strength to move again.

  The open air bathroom is something I don’t think I will ever get used to, we wash each other overlooking the bush and with the bush looking right at us. The hot wind blows against my wet skin as I dry my long hair. Callum watches me with a dark look in his eyes and I am turned on again. He kisses the top of my head and says softly. “No time for those filthy thoughts Shannon, Douglas will be here in a few minutes the sun is already going down.” He slaps my ass hard and walks out giving me a beautiful view of his naked body.

  Sunset in the Massai Mara is the most hauntingly beautiful thing you will ever see in your life. The orange glow of the sun as it burns down on the horizon. The silhouettes of the trees and animals will be in my mind as long as I live. The smell of the clean, untainted air as we drive relaxes me. I lean against Callum as we are shown the real wonder of this enchanting place. As the last little glimmer of daylight begins to fade we stop and watch a pride of lion as they devour a buffalo, they had just killed. I watch the raw animalistic ritual of them eating their prey, and I cannot help but think that Callum is a lion in our world he is the top of the food chain. No one will ever eat him and that makes me feel safe. Except that I have killed the lion already.

  Morning and evening in the bush are magical and our love, this little fire,
we are learning to take care of, has come to full flaming life here. As I pack my bag and get ready to leave it behind I know that I am leaving a part of myself here. This is the place where we have worked out just how to love each other with a little balance and a lot less madness. This place will leave a hole in me when we leave, it is a force of pure natural wonder.

  AS THE WHEELS OF THE jet touch down in Cape Town my stomach sinks, not that airsick sink, but my life as I know it is over sinks. I feel butterflies at the thought of meeting those who he considers his family, it is worse than any meet the parent’s nerves. I tap my red nails on the arm of my chair as we wait for customs officials to clear us and for passport control to come aboard and stamp our passports. It is all done by corrupt officials that Callum pays here. This is his headquarters, his home base the centre of all his connections. This where he found his purpose and found his family. He also found a government and police force that could be bought cheaply and easily.

  I instantly feel like I don’t belong here, a profound sense of being in the wrong place even if it is for all the right reasons. The scenery, as we drive to our destination, wherever it is, takes my breath away. The mountain with its flat top towers over the city that is a mix of old and new, rotten and filthy but clean and beautiful. The ocean in the Bay is littered with the colours of kites in the blue sky as the surfers take advantage of the hot wind blowing through the air. This city is rich in culture and has a heartbeat you can feel, but under the beauty just like anything else I can feel its shadows and darkness are just as present here. We park outside a two-story home that would be a mansion back in Ireland but is small compared to those around it. Neat, modern and with a view over the bay, it is a quiet, peaceful place. This is his sister’s home, I am going to meet the only sister he has left in this world. It is only her and Harmon left, he shipped Harm off to some upper-crust boarding school before we left. He said he is insurance. I am not sure I understand, but I don’t ask.

  Callum all but drags me to the front door, he is so excited to see his sister, to be home. He is buzzing with energy and has talked non- stop since we arrived I haven’t heard a single word of it. Before the door opens he, kisses my cheek and talks softly in my ear. “Thank you for coming home with me Shannon. It wouldn’t be home if you hadn’t.” He squeezes my hand like an excited child.

  Another crack in my fragile heart. He would have stayed for me. He loves me that much. I am his home, as much as he is mine.

  A stunning woman bursts through the door her scream is deafening! She is beautiful, her body is covered in the most eye-catching tattoos and her face is peppered with piercings. Her long black hair is pulled up in a high ponytail with a red ribbon to match the retro dress she wears. She is small next to him, but I can feel the connection between them as they hug and kiss and greet each other with such excitement. We are welcomed into their home with smiles and heart-warming love. A sadness hides in both their eyes, Amya and Robin are also products of this family and I feel the hurt that settles just below the happy smiles. The way she looks at me however is icy and threatening. My new sister in law does not like me.

  We sit in the yard under the beating sun that scorches my white skin burning it red. Callum tells a few half truths about what has happened at home, I know his sister knows he is lying, but she says nothing. Her expression says it all to me. She is not happy at all. I watch Robin, the huge man seems to genuinely be pleased that Callum is here. They talk and laugh and joke about tattoos. Callum has a few pieces of art decorating his skin, I guess they must Robins work.

  Amya is a real live work of art, I cannot see her skin anywhere but the intricate picture, I do see, makes me stare and I keep forcing myself to stop it.

  After a meal that felt like home cooking, Callum asked Amya for Rowan’s number he wanted to go there now. The air changed in a second, the shadow of death that follows me everywhere has consumed the light in the room and Amya’s glass shatters on the floor. Glass and wine spilling over the tiles. Amya’s tears poured down her cheeks and Robin lost all of the colour in his face there is a shine of tears in his big eyes as he tells Callum what his sister can’t.

  The air is sucked out of the space by the monster in Callum as it rips free, it was never dead - just resting. It was resting for this. Something, I don't understand, has happened and Lauri is dead. Callum is like a wild animal, I don’t dare go near him now. He orders me to stay here with his family and he leaves. I have the same feeling I had the night Sahib nearly killed him, the feeling that my Callum won’t return.

  Once he has gone, I am stranded with strangers as they deal with reliving whatever happened. They don’t like me or want me here. I can tell.

  I AM GOING TO KILL HIM. I am going to redeem every fucking bad thing I did in this life by killing him. I will set Rowan free I will save him and I will avenge her. I want to watch him suffer.

  The only light, we ever saw in this fucking world, was her and he took it, he extinguished our flame. I have to end him it is too hard to try and hide my desire to finish him. I should have done it long ago when I first saw what he did to her, he is a monster worse than any of us and his time is up. His number has been called – by me!

  It takes my team three whole days to find him, hiding like all of us in plain sight. He has a new fiancé, I wonder if she is dying a little every day I wonder if she knows he murdered six of his own babies? I will set her free. No one deserves to be with him.

  I wait until I can’t any longer before I go visit him in the dead of the night. He is waiting for me, he knew I was coming. He always knew one of us would come in the end. He had to know that we could never let him live after he took her. He had to know that killing her would be the end of him.

  All of my feelings, the ones I want and the ones I don’t bleed into one. I am consumed by rage, the same rage that led me to kill my whole family. This time I am vengeful, it is more than it was with them. So much more I want him to suffer for this.

  Renzo is waiting for me at his kitchen table, a bottle of scotch and two glasses are glowing in the dimmed light. He has loosened his tie and his jacket is hanging on the chair behind him. I can see how she was seduced by him, he is a good looking man and his Italian looks make him that much more attractive. Now he looks tired, his stubble is rough on his chin and a ton of weight rounds his shoulders as he slumps low in the chair. His fingers locked together under his chin. It is his eyes that give away his true nature, the real Lorenzo Baldini – the monster. Just like me.

  The twisted smile that is on his face has been on mine so many times, it is like looking in the mirror and seeing what I will become. He manipulated her and hurt her and killed her because he had a monster and that monster was created when Mick killed his mother. We all come from somewhere the men in my circles are all forged from some dark evil that is ingrained in their souls so deep it is all they can be.

  “Hello Callum.” He slurs a little his voice a bit thick with the effects of the half bottle of whiskey that is missing. He knows that we won’t both live to the end of the night. People like us know these things. His gun is on the table in front of him, the bullets are emptied from the chamber and are next to it. He isn’t going to fight.

  “Hello Lorenzo, you were expecting me?” I slide out a chair and sit at his table.

  “I have been expecting you for a long time, I thought you were dead when you never came before.” He shakes his head at my absence. “You were gone for ages, people were saying you that were dead.” He fills a glass for me and slides it across the glass table top. “I was almost dead, but it’s very hard to kill people like us. You should know.” Ghosts, monsters and demons never truly die.

  He laughs at my comment and slugs back his whole glass of whiskey before he answers me again. “You have come to kill me Callum because I killed her. I had to kill her like you had to kill them.” How could he know?

  “Oh, I know where you were and what you did. Just because I am from the Italian mob doesn’t mean your fam
ily are not on our radar. You have done some very impressive things since you left.” His sinister chuckle has my hackles up. I don’t like this man, I relate to him, but I don’t like him.

  “I am not like you Renzo.” I snap at him now. You are, don’t fucking lie, you know you are!

  He stands and walks away from the table a little ways, he is a big man when he stands up I see just how big. “Oh, Callum I am sure your wife would beg to differ when you beat her senseless. It feels good to let the devil in you dance. You like to hurt her. I liked to beat Ellia. I was made to destroy her. I was always going to kill her. She had to die so I could live. You will see, your wife is destined for the same fate. You and me - we can’t be fixed. Mick murdered my mother unleashing the beast that was my father on me for the years that followed. Until he created a monster that would end him.”

  We are exactly the same.

  He fills his glass again and sits. “Callum, how long can you stop yourself from being like me? How long before you strangle her or hit her? Don’t lie to yourself. You’re no fool, the little coup you pulled off proves that you are a master at this game. You will kill her. Or she will kill you, you certainly know how to pick the right ones at least Ellia was meek and mild she had no fight in her, she took everything I gave her.”

  His words fuel my rage and I want to end him, but he speaks the truth too. A truth that wounds me.

  “Shannon is different, I am different. I can stop. I have stopped. I don’t need it anymore.” I say, but it’s myself I’m trying to reassure. His laughs again this time right from his gut. “Callum you are exactly like me. You are the devil in a designer suit. Candy on the outside and demon on the inside.” He empties his glass and bangs it down on the table between us. “But you came here to kill me, Rowan didn’t, I always thought I would die the very next day but he never came. He is not as fucked up as we are. He should be, but he isn’t she fixed him. Why couldn’t she fix me?” He seems a little sad when he says that, like she was supposed to be his redemption. Is Shannon my redemption? Men like me cannot be redeemed.