Monochrome My Madness

by Ashleigh Giannoccaro

  “I did come to kill you because he promised her that he wouldn’t. I think she planned to kill you herself. She always believed your time would come. She didn’t want your death to be paid for by her child. I think she forgave you though, she understood why you did it, and I do too. It doesn’t mean you won’t pay. Just like all of us you have to pay for who we are Renzo. We all pay in the end, I am simply here to collect.” I know it’s true someone will collect me one day. We are all going to pay for the things we do. For the world, we live in.

  “I always thought it would be Rowan who walked in here. You don’t come as a surprise though, you owe him for killing his father. Is this your apology to him Callum? Will killing me make that, right for you? I am ready to die. I have been dying since her fucking father murdered my mother.” He is agitated and his emotions are raw now. I can see the shimmer of tears glaze over his eyes and he begins to unbutton his shirt. He stands up at the table and slides his dress shirt off. I am met with the exact image I saw years ago when Rowan showed me Lauri’s scars. His whole body is brutally marred by marks. He made Lauri like him, she had to pay scar for scar for what had happened to him. An eye for an eye, a soul for a soul, life for a life. I am here to claim his. Seeing his broken body and the reflection of myself in who he is, makes it harder. But I will still do it.

  “You see Callum, I was made into this.” He points at his scarred chest. “So were you. I thought killing her would set me free, but it hasn’t. I still live in the prison of who I am. I am so sorry I took her from you. I am ready to die.” He walks up to where I sit and bends to look me straight in the eye. “Kill me slowly Callum, I want to feel my soul leaving this body. I want to suffer from my death. I don’t want it to come quickly or easily I want to feel it. I have felt nothing for so long at least let me feel my death.” He is so broken that he wishes to die painfully slowly. I should kill him quickly just to spite him, but his need to suffer whispers to my monster waking it from its slumber and I cannot wait to watch him cry under my torture. He will feel it all. I will feel it, I need to feel it.

  He places a knife on the table in front of me the long sharp blade shines in the dim light of the room. I swallow back the last drop of scotch in my glass before I stand up. We are the same height I look him in the eyes and I know he is dead already he was just waiting for the end to come get him. There is nothing there at all, an empty shell.

  I almost wish I had brought Shannon with me, she would have made him suffer the most agonizing death imaginable.

  No! This is my chance to set my world right, my moment to be all the darkness in me and I am going to take it. I will set my friend free, and do what he cannot. I was born to be a villain and I am going to die a villain it is time to embrace it and enjoy what I am.

  The Highveld, here inland where he lives, is so different from the coast and the electric storm brews outside. The thunder is so loud it rattles the windows and the lighting illuminates the room so I can see even more of his brutalized body. The dark rumble of the storm vibrates through me and feeds the demons fighting to get free. His calmness in the face of his pending death is unnerving and I wonder if this is a trap, and his men will come in and kill me the moment I touch the knife.

  Renzo walks slowly to the cabinet behind him and pulls out two large envelopes and a camera. He puts them with the knife.

  “The incorporating documents of my company have been changed to her daughter’s name. It is all for her now, it’s all I can give her for taking her mother and leaving her with a monster. The camera is so you can show him what you have done. I want it all to end today Callum. All of it. Let that little girl be free if you can.” He sounds almost sorry for what he did, my gut says he is, but I know that people like us don’t feel sorry. We can live with what we do that’s the worst part of it. The indifference to what should be feelings is worse than any feelings could be.

  I nod and reach for the knife, the blade is sharp and long it will flay his skin easily and when I sink it into his flesh it will tear through his organs with ease. I run my thumb down the cold blade and a drop of blood appears. It makes me smile. I imagine his blood as it spills and I feel the roar of my blood pumping faster through me. “You won’t even fight me will you Renzo? You want to die tonight”. I ask him just to try understand how he has no fight in him. The monster that hurt Lauri is gone and I don’t get it. I don’t understand how he can just not want to live when I have fought all my life to stay alive.

  “I have nothing left to fight for Callum, I don’t want anything anymore. I wanted to kill her so much it consumed me and became all I was. When I finally put the bullet between her eyes, it killed us both because I no longer had a purpose. You don’t feel like you have nothing left now that your little mission is done?” Do I have anything left? Yes, I have a family, I have Shannon and I have a little girl to raise. “I have other things now.”

  “Hmmm, good for you Callum. Can we get on with it? Just kill me already I am done with it all. Make me pay.”

  He stands in front of me, his naked scarred chest rises and falls with calm breaths and he stares into my soul with his dark dead eyes. He truly was the fucking devil in disguise. But in the end Lauri won, she broke him. She fucking won, she killed him. Not me I am just here to fetch his body.

  I run the blade slowly from his throat down to the button of his pants, he doesn’t even flinch. Not even a hiss of air escapes him and I wonder if he feels anything through all the scars? His blood trickles slowly from the line. He stares, but not at me, his eyes focus on the wall behind us where her wedding picture hangs on the wall, her lovely smile haunting the room. Her perfect, unmarked, uncoloured skin on display. He fucking destroyed that. I sink my blade into the flesh of his thigh hard slicing through the muscle until I hit the bone. He again doesn’t move, nothing. There is nothing there. His lack of response ignites anger in me, he should be feeling this for her. He already has Callum. He needs to fucking bleed and suffer. He already has Callum. He has nothing left not even his bleak soul.

  I lose my control, I lose my need to make him suffer and it is buried under the need to kill him. I want him to be dead, gone and I stab him over and over until he sinks to his knees and looks me in the eyes. A single tear runs down his cheek, proving he can feel after all. I force the long blade between his ribs and slice through his heart before I take a picture and leave him to bleed out on the floor. I am a fucking monster there is no cure for us, we cannot be fixed and I know that I just saw a mirror image of who I am dying on that floor.

  I no longer have an internal battle, I no longer want to keep it inside I want to set myself free of it all and fucking live this fucked up life I have been given. I never want to wish for death I want to live and I will fight anything that stands in my way.

  I slip the Polaroid pictures of his dying body into the envelope along with the knife and his company papers. They are now smeared with his blood. And I leave. My men will be here to clean up and dispose of him soon.

  The rain beats down on me as I walk to my car washing away the delusions I had of being anything, but the monster I was born to be. I want to go to Shannon, but I don’t instead I go to a brothel where I know the girls can take what I will dish out tonight. I will go home when it’s out of my system.

  If I even have a home to go to.

  I AM LEFT WITH STRANGERS in a strange country as Callum leaves in a rage like I have never seen before. The heat of his anger burned my lips as he kissed me goodbye and commanded I stay. Like a pet, just “Stay Shannon.” I am unsettled and I feel the unease of leaving home for this place heavily on me. I worry I have made a horrendous error in coming here. I feel the shadow of evil things biting at my heels. This city is a festering with darkness.

  Amya and Robin take a long time to get over the story they told Callum. I just sit there. I don’t have these kinds of feelings I cannot cry or be sad for a person I don’t know and Rowan elicits other feelings from me. Anger and rage and distrust and the heart-breaking
curse of my sister’s death. I don’t like him, but Callum loves him so I will remain silent about how I feel. I will pay for my fucking stupid mistakes by supporting him no matter how it hurts me.

  I watch the couple as they hold each other together. She is so beautiful and he has the same sort of darkness that I see in the all the men from our world. The two of them are clouded by an underlying heartbreak that makes them seem eternally sad like a painting of a crying woman in a museum. There are ghosts here too.

  Amya returns from the bathroom a long time later and sits in front of me, her face has changed. She looks determined and angry. “Shannon, I know the truth of where my brother has been and what he has done. I am hurt that he chose again to lie to me.” Her voice is thick with anger and contempt. “Robin and I are choosing to walk away this time. We will not let his darkness or yours, consume us.” She leans a little closer her beauty is intensified by her anger and I see Connor in her eyes. “My brother is like a cloud of destruction and I will not live in its shadow any longer.” Her words are all truth.

  “I want you to know that when he returns him and I will be having a very hard talk and I will be leaving. You see I may have been sent here to die but I still have friends at home, Princess.” My eyes widen and I swallow at her calling me Princess. She has a malicious smile on her face. “Oh, I see exactly who you are Shannon and I don’t care if you kill him or not. Callum is beyond redemption. I know your secrets; I know what you have done. I don’t care. I am removing myself from this toxic world and I don’t plan to look back. I know what he has done, I know how he killed them all. I know you helped him. I fucking know.” I cannot form words, I want to leave, but I have nowhere to go. I feel her anger and hurt and I try to stop the smile from forming on my face. It is so quickly wiped off when Art walks through the open doorway behind her with Robin at his heels. I feel betrayed, I feel deceived and I feel grey.

  “Stop thinking it Shannon, we both know you won’t kill me.” His thick accented voice comes at me from above Amya’s head. I shake my head and smile, I won’t kill him, but them all leaving will almost surely destroy Callum. He loves them. My heart sinks at what will be left of him if he loses them as well.

  “I understand, I do. I am sorry that I have killed your brother Amya. My excuses seem feeble now, but he hurt me first.” I stand and walk towards the door. I want to leave I don’t care where I go. Callum and I are not welcome here no matter how they made it seem we are a toxic wave they don’t want washing through the lives they have managed to put back together. “You don’t get to leave Shannon, he said stay. I wouldn’t push him right now. And I am not a fool. I know how my brother treats women, in fact, you look like you have survived better than some. But cancer is such a cowardly choice don’t you think? You could have saved him the suffering.”

  I snap, she has pushed on the nerve that was already exposed. “Suffering will be watching the only person, I love, die slowly and knowing in my fucking heart that I did it. I caused his pain and I cannot take it back. Fuck you Amya, I love him and you know what - he loves you.” I glare at Art. “All of you. He may seem to be broken but his heart still beats and it beats for all of you. Amya do you know why he did what he did? DO YOU KNOW?”

  She is afraid of me now that my rage shows on the surface and the yelling set me free. “They broke him, your brothers they fucking broke him and you know what Amya, they raped and violated me too. They made me into a killer. They made us all.” I point at them. “Go, but know that you will hurt him and he doesn’t forget. He might just forgive you because he loves you, but he will never forget your betrayal. All of you.” My eyes bore into Art’s he has to know what he has done. “I will stay, but fucking leave me alone. I am already paying for my sins and it hurts enough.” I retreat to the guest room where my things are waiting. I wait for Callum, I feel a connection to him that they will never understand and I can already feel his pain over them walking away.

  Sleep doesn’t come to me. Instead, the guilt of killing him keeps me tossing and turning. I miss his body next to me, I miss him and I want him back. But just like I felt it before I know not all of him will return from this.

  SIX LONG NIGHTS WITHOUT him next to me, my body craves his touch and my heart aches at what might have gone wrong. The last time he was missing he spent nearly two years in a coma while I killed him slowly. I cannot bear the thought of him not returning at all this time. My heart aches for him, for what he is going to do. You cannot afford to lose any time with him. You have so little as it is.

  The Cape wind howls outside my bedroom window the whistling noises sound like tortured souls screaming for their lives. The sound keeps me from sleeping. I toss and turn and pace my room until the early hours of the morning when a voice pierces through the walls of my solace. Its Callum’s voice, he is back. He is alive. I stop myself from charging out there afraid of what might be waiting. The images of his beaten body flash through my mind and I am back in the ghost house with him. I collapse into a small heap on the cold tiled floor and I cry at the memories of the last time he came home from killing someone. I know he went to kill that man, I saw it in his eyes and I knew. A killer knows when they look in the eyes of another. He went out to commit murder. Vicious, malicious and torturous I have no doubt he made his victim suffer.

  I see his wasting body in the hospital bed and his shaved head with staples in it. Me, images of me killing him every single day. I am a monster I am beyond redemption I am toxic and I deserve to die not him. He loved me even after I admitted to him that I wanted to kill him. He loved me when I murdered in front of him. He loves me still now. Love hurts, it rips your soul to shreds and crushes everything you thought you believed. I hate loving him.

  I hear Amya yelling at him, her voice is high pitched and I cannot make out the words, but her anger can be felt even in here. I try to block everything out. “You poisonous little bitch, come here and make this mess worth my while.” I am tormented by Neil’s voice in my head again. I cannot get rid of these fucking memories that I had buried deeper than any grave. They keep clawing back out and into my head.

  His strong arms lift me off the floor where I have crumpled into a pathetic lump of flesh and bones and feelings. He holds me to his muscular chest and I feel the instant relief of being close to him but also the undercurrent of danger. I stiffen at the realization of what I know will come next. The wrong Callum has come home, this Callum is not in love with me. I am afraid.

  “I am going to hurt you Shannon, I can’t not. I am sorry I have to it is too close, too raw. I tried to silence it, but it seems that only you can. I am sorry. I don’t want to.” He whispers to me and I know. I know I will wake up beaten and bloodied and hurt. I feel his internal battle in every single word. He cannot control this part of him, he tries but there are some things we cannot change about ourselves. I have come to enjoy the pain, to a point, but I can tell that tonight he will go way past that point. I forgive him before he even starts; I know he is hurting over the loss of someone special to him. I know he is still in a rage after killing her murderer and Amya has just told him they are leaving. I know their bags were already packed.

  Callum’s hands are already ripping the little clothing I wore to bed off my body. The sound of fabric tearing, as he pulls at it, filters through the thoughts screaming inside my head and the need burning in me. Not the need to kill but the need to let Callum take what he needs from me. He stuffs a torn piece of fabric into my mouth to muffle the noise he knows I will make. I feel his breath on my neck as he bites his way slowly down to my shoulder. Then he slowly licks his way back up the sting where he broke my flesh with his teeth makes me rub my thighs together. His hands begin their assault on my body as he pinches and pulls my nipples making them painfully hard. His fingers press into the soft flesh of my breasts as he bites again, and I moan loudly into the gag in my mouth arching my back forcing more of me into his mouth. The wicked grin on his face lets me know he is merely warming up. I try to steady my he
artbeat and breathing so I do not pass out too soon, I want to feel him. I want to enjoy the way he fills me, the way he hurts me, the way he draws the desire from me with his torture. I cannot even begin to deny the fact that I enjoy being beaten by him.

  Tonight something feels off. Callum is different, he is angry – with me.

  “You are enjoying it too much Shannon. Turn over so I cannot see your face.” His tone is commanding and hard. I roll over onto my stomach the bed cover is rough on my sensitive nipples and I relish the rub against my skin. I know what comes next, I hear him pull his belt loose. The sound as the whips it out of the loops in his pants whistles in my ears before he pulls my hair so that I am arched up on my knees. The bite of the first stinging lash of his belt across my ass makes my eyes water and my pussy clench. One… I count in my head he never stops before twenty, sometimes more. The warm leather bites into me over and over, I can feel my arousal dripping down my inner thighs. I know that this is wrong that I should not get this feeling from being hurt, but my mind is beyond repair and his relentless lashes only make me want him more. I hear him growl as he slides his hand over my now very raw skin, all, I can manage, is a whimper but no sound gets past the fabric in my mouth. The tears stream down my cheeks from the pain. He leans his body down over my back so that his skin soothes the pain just a little before he bites me. I let more tears escape as I shake from pain and desire the way my body betrays me at every turn makes me cry harder.

  I don’t want to want this.

  But I do.

  I balance on a knife edge I know if he touches me my orgasm will rip lose and give me the relief I need. I know he won’t though; he likes to torture me keeping me here as long as he can. I feel him move away and I want him back the second he is gone. He is strangely silent in his assault tonight. My scalp stings where he held onto my long hair. I lean on my hands my elbows locked so I don’t collapse. It’s worse when I am not awake he doesn’t stop if I slip into the darkness. He lifts my chin to look up at him where he kneels in front of me I see the danger in his green eyes as he rips the fabric out of my mouth and replaces it with his cock in one swift move. I do not get to take a breath; this is not about me. This is for him as he forces himself down my throat I fight the need to gag with every bit of willpower I have. His hand in my hair keeps me in place as he fucks my mouth without stopping or slowing down. I cannot see his eyes anymore the tears have blurred my vision and if he doesn’t let me breathe soon I will pass out. Fight it Shannon. His lean body tenses and I know he is close to coming. However, he will not, not yet. I do not hurt nearly enough for it to be over yet. He pulls out of my mouth and lifts me so he can kiss me. Not tender but hard and forceful he claims my mouth and pulls me into his chest. I wait for the pain. It will come. His palm strikes my sensitive backside as he bites my tongue and I taste the copper tang of blood fill my mouth. He gets harder still between us, I feel his cock twitch against my body. My pain gives him the pleasure he so desperately seeks in life. I never dreamed it would bring me the same joy and I feel my need burning stronger and stronger. I shouldn’t want him so much he is hurting me. I feel his hand grab on my ass cheek and the other snake around between them. The pain has just begun. He forces a finger into my butt, he won’t touch my pussy until he is ready to let this end. His dry finger stings as it rips past the barrier of muscles. I dig my nails into his shoulders earning me a swift slap from his other hand right across my thigh. “Callum please,” I beg him, knowing he hates it if I speak while he is like this. He just continues to fuck my ass with his finger, forcing another one inside. The pain makes me see the blood filling up my eyeballs and I know I will pass out soon. He rips his fingers out fast and barks at me. “Don’t you dare Shannon.” He slaps my cheek.” I need you to feel this. I need you to just fucking take it from me.” My heart hurts and I nod with tears flowing and try to fight the unconsciousness that claws at my mind. He turns me so that my back is against his chest, I feel the brush of his chest hairs against the lash marks on my back and I hiss out a breath at the sting. Stay awake Shannon, or it will be even worse. He needs this; you need to give him this. You stole his fucking life you will give him anything he wants to take. I steal my mind against what I know will come next. Callum holds me tight against his chest squeezing the air from my lungs, and I feel his cock at the entrance that he just assaulted with his fingers. I hold the little breath in my lungs as he forces into me in one agonizing thrust. A roar escapes from his mouth, and I shriek loudly. My body convulses and shakes against the excruciating invasion. Once I still, he starts to move, every stroke a brutal onslaught of pain that threatens to send me into the darkness. My orgasm becomes dangerously close, and I know it will hurt as much as satisfy. Callum’s grunts behind me become more frenzied, and he bites my neck and pinches my nipple hard sending me over the cliff into the torment of my painful release. He talks into my ear as he holds me still making me feel it shudder through me. “Take it from me Shannon, your body loves the hurt. It responds so beautifully to me. God you feel like heaven against me.” It is not over Shannon; he did not come. My heart is heavy and I know that he loves me, and I love him, but this cannot be what love is. It hurts too much and enjoying it so much hurts even more. He lets me sag down and collapse on the bed before he moves me to where he can slide himself between my legs. His mouth on my aching pussy is torture, sweet fucking beautiful torture. I writhe and buck under his mouth as he brings me to the edge again and again. My whole body aches from the tension in my muscles. When I look down into his eyes as he slows down, I know I am safe again. They have softened, and he moves above me slowly, slightly softer than before and I feel the tip of his cock against my pussy. I suck in a short breath as he leans down to kiss me. It is Callum and not his demons now, just for a second. He pushes into me slowly making me want to scream from sweet pleasure. His strokes are hard but slow, turning me into a quivering mess under him, his hands explore my body as his weight crushes me into the bed. I am so close, but it feels so far. I buck to meet his thrusts. My body is so tender and sore that even this slowly every single stroke hurts me, the ripples of pain drawing my orgasm closer and closer. “I am sorry Shannon.” He hisses into my ear sending me over the edge and legs shake and my body tenses with the orgasm that screams through my body leaving me with nothing but the hurt when it is over. I let myself slip away into the darkness of my mind, and Callum pulls me into him so we can sleep.