Monochrome My Madness

by Ashleigh Giannoccaro

  Love takes away everything but leaves you with nothing when it is gone.

  I WAKE UP WITH THE BRIGHT light filtering in through the curtains, Shannon is next to me and I can see my belt on the bed. I lift the covers to see how bad it is. I know it will be fucking awful as I remember the confrontation with Amya when I returned last night. My sister knows everything, she knows the truth and she is angry. I hurt her by killing them, I saved myself but I hurt her. They are leaving; she yelled and screamed at me about Rowan, Shannon and all the shit in between. Robin handed me an envelope and told me I should have been here that I could have stopped this.

  I didn’t open it, the madness was too much. I should have left. I should have left them all I just keep hurting them and myself. Instead, I came in here and let it all out on her. I knew I would hurt her and still I didn’t stop. I wanted to hurt her. I couldn’t stop. I will never stop now that I know the truth.

  The words from last night filter back slowly through my morning haze. “She gave you cancer Callum. While you fought for your life, she made sure you would die a slow agonizing death. She is the fucking devil and you married her. I won’t watch you love her while I know she has killed you already.” Amya’s eyes glistened with tears and I felt the pain rip through me. She didn’t try to kill me, she made damn sure I would die. Shannon may love me, but she killed me anyway. I love her and I hurt her anyway. I will never stop hurting her now, not with the truth ripping my heart out. I need to get out of this room. I don’t think I am ready to face her and the truth together yet.

  I choose to push the truth out of my mind, facing Rowan will be hard enough today I don’t want to face my wife’s truth yet. I will face my murderer later.

  I leave her to sleep, I don’t feel the usual guilt over hurting her. The ache where my heart should be overpowered it all. I trusted her, I loved her, I changed for her and she is killing me anyway. Nothing could hurt more than what I feel right now. I love her, I love her even if she is killing me and that hurts me so much. The pain of her betrayal is worse than dying could ever be.

  I turn the shower on in my sister's guest room, I know they are gone, she said they would be gone today. Amya hates what I am, she hates what we all become because we choose to stay in this darkness. She is choosing to walk away and I cannot stop her. I won’t pour the terror of my life over hers any longer. I set her free. If you love something set it free.

  No!

  If you love something, kill it. Before it kills you.

  I let the sound and feel of the water wash the madness from my mind and try to accept the fact that I have to face my friend today. I wasn’t here when they needed me most I let him down, I let him suffer – again. I need to try and make this right I don’t want to lose him too. He is the only person left in this world that I give a damn about. I love Shannon, yes, but I plan to make her hurt for what she has done. Killing Renzo gave me a taste of pure sweet unapologetic revenge and that’s a dangerous thing for a villain like me to taste. It has left me wanting more. Shannon is going to pay, she is not exempt because I love her. She will pay more because she made me love her.

  I stay in the shower for a long time trying to recall what I did to Shannon in my rage, but it’s a cloud of lust and anger and her tear stained face. I made her scream, I told her I would. I told her right from the very beginning I would hurt her. Only before now I didn’t want to. Before now I tried not to hurt her. I have to stop loving her, nothing good can come from our love - this love is poisoned.

  I see the outline of her body through the misted shower glass she comes into the bathroom and my body reacts to her presence, it always does. I lust after Shannon all the time; her body is burned in my brain and buried in my heart. I want her, and I want to kill her for what she has done. She always comes to me after to see if I am myself again if I care for her. I don’t think I will ever be myself again. Her betrayal was the last one, no one will ever get close enough to know if I am me or not.

  She slips into the shower with me, her eyes down. She can never face me the morning after, she is afraid of what she will see. I can’t hide from her, when she looks in my eyes she sees me no matter how I try to hide from her. She turns away from me and I see the carnage I left on her back, ass and thighs. There is blood from where I forced myself into her and the welts from my belt are raised and raw where they overlap. Seeing it makes me hard all over again. I enjoyed hurting her, she hurt me first. “She is killing you Callum.” I try to force myself to believe it, I know it is true, but I want it not to be. Nothing scares me more than death.

  I let my soapy hands slide over the arch of her spine and slip around her waist pulling her close to me. She doesn’t want me to and she resists me. I have hurt her feelings more than her body. I force her closer. Your torture will be to love me while I die Shannon, you will watch me wither away and I will make you love me and I will make you hurt just like I have been hurting all my life.

  A hiss escapes her as squeeze her soft breast in my hand, pressing on the bruises I know I left last night. Let my hands explore all the places she aches before I press her against the cold tile of the shower wall and fuck her until I feel better. I know she is crying I see her chest heaving with her sobs, I don’t hear them over the water and the constant hum of the madness as I let it take control again. When I am done, I turn away from her rinse myself clean and get out. I leave her to wallow in her self-pity.

  She has given me a death sentence, I want to give her one too.

  I WENT TO HIM IN THE SHOWER like I always do. I went to find my lover, for him to love away the agony of last night. He didn’t; he simply made me feel the residue of what he had done before he took what he needed from me and left me to cry. I fucking hate crying. Loving him is killing me.

  I deserve it.

  When I eventually pull myself together and get out of the shower, my aching muscles have relaxed just a little and I rub some arnica onto the bruises and welts I can reach. The others will just have to hurt.

  I have to go into the room and face him, all of my clothes are in there. I don’t want to face him. My Callum is gone and there is something horrible in his place if last night didn’t settle him then I am afraid to be near him. He is always soft afterwards, better like I fixed things. This time his eyes are still dark and he is worse than he was before. I swallow the fear that threatens to paralyse me and wrap a towel around my body. Take a deep breath, it’s still him, he is just hurting. He is hurting you more.

  There’s no way I can stop the fuzzy grey need to kill someone from blurring my thoughts and I step into the room. Callum is dressed and stands waiting for me with a belt in his hand. He isn’t better, he is worse, worse than ever before. He doesn’t move just stares at me I see his knuckles are white where he grips the belt and I swallow. My heart races and I want to cry. I cannot possibly take anymore. He always lets me kill someone after, maybe he will take me to find a victim this morning. Please let me kill someone my compulsions scream at me to commit a murder. You have killed him already my heart answers them with the truth.

  “Get dressed Shannon we have somewhere to go.” My heart skips a beat; he will let me kill someone. “We are not going to kill anyone Shannon; you don’t deserve that from me right now. Just get dressed and forget about it.” His cold words make me feel like a child who disappointed her father. They make me feel like – me. He turns around puts his belt on and walks out of the room leaving me and my shattered heart and broken body to get dressed.

  Another broken promise shouldn’t hurt me, but Callum never lied to me be before. He said I would always be able to kill. He won’t take it from me. Will he?

  I slip on a slightly longer skirt with a white shirt and a lovely scarf to try hiding the broken skin where he bit my neck. I take my time to make myself look beautiful and try disguising how ugly I feel. I dry my hair and straighten it so it hangs long down my back and put on a pair of black heels before I glance in the mirror. I look pretty. Mirrors tell such lies they
can’t show what’s inside. I am not pretty I am broken and ugly and I will never be enough. My body protests every movement I make, the pain will not go away quickly today. I look for my pain killers in my handbag, but they are not there. I suck down a deep breath and try to hold onto the tears that threaten to fall. He took them, I know he did. I am being punished, am I am paying for what I have done.

  Callum is waiting for me in the kitchen, he is silent and has a frown on his face. He is angry this morning. He fills a coffee mug and passes it to me. I notice the silence, no the emptiness of the house as he does. And I look around.

  “They are gone. But you knew they were going to go.” There is no one except us here. Being alone with Callum like this is like playing Russian roulette with my body. Worse with my life.

  “Drink your coffee Shannon I want to go. I have something I need to do.” He snaps me out of my daydream and I gulp down the life-saving brew.

  “Where are we going?” I ask quietly, it doesn’t matter really, I have no clue where we are this place is entirely foreign to me. I am more afraid than I ever have been in my life.

  “To Rowan’s estate, then home to my house.” He says my house, not our house. My house! He snaps back at me and stalks towards the door. I follow. I have no choice; I never had a choice when it came to Callum. My heart was always going to follow him.

  He sits in the lounge first and opens a white envelope; he pulls out a letter and starts to read. As I stand watching him, I see it happening slowly. Whatever is in that letter has erased the last shred of human that was in him. There will be no coming back, no sweet loving Callum. He just died. I watched it happen, the way his body tensed, his face changed and the demons crept into his eyes.

  He crumpled the letter and slams it down on the glass table before leaving through the front door. I hurried to follow but shoved the crumpled note into my bag on the way past. I slip into the already idling car and fasten my seatbelt.

  The sun is bright and the air feels fresh and summery, I try to distract myself with the beauty of the place. We drive away from the bustle of the city and the ocean that surrounds it. The landscape is green and lush with vineyards the white gabled homes of each estate we pass. The colours mesmerise me into a false security. If I don’t think about it, then it will go away. Stop thinking like a child Shannon, you are married to him in a strange country and he is in a dangerous place. No one will know you are gone, no one cares. No one even knows you exist here.

  We turn down a dirt road and wind down through a vineyard to an enormous gate, the red dust from the sand creates a cloud behind the car. Callum enters a number into the pin pad and the gate slides open allowing us to go further. A large white house with shutters on the windows comes into view and as we get closer it seems so much bigger. Callum parks the car in front of the garages and gets out. I am surprised when he opens my door to help me out. He takes my hand and pulls me close to him. He kisses my temple, cold icy shivers spread through me. “I am sorry Shannon.” He says softly and holds my hand in his. We don’t walk to the front door of the house, but instead he leads me to a small path through vines next to the gravel driveway. The rough stone paved path is difficult to walk on, but I manage to keep up with him. The smell in the air is unique and I breathe in lungful’s. The leaves brush against my face every so often as Callum’s grip on my hand gets stronger. We emerge from the cover of the vines onto a small dirt road. The sun burns my fair skin. My heels are not the best for this sort of walking, but Callum slows down so I can manage. There are a few large trees surrounded by low stone wall in the distance, the wind moves the leaves of the trees slowly and I can see there is swing on one of the branches. Someone is swinging on it, the rhythmic back and forward making me walk a little faster again. Callum slows down as we get close to the wall, I can see over it now. There is a small girl swinging in the tree, she is surrounded by headstones. Kneeling at one is a big man with his back to us. I can see the tattooed skin of his arms holding onto the gravestone as if it would save him.

  It is Rowan, and Lauri’s little girl swings in that tree. Another little soul for our world to swallow and spit out hardened and empty. I feel sad for her. When I look up at Callum his eyes are fixed on Rowan where he sobs over his wife’s grave. I see the tears slide slowly down his cheeks as the sun catches them. For the first time, I see Callum’s age, I see the grey in his temples and the wrinkles that are forming around his eyes. I see what this life has done to him, he has never been more beautiful to me than in that broken moment of devastation.

  When we get to the small broken black gate, I don’t follow him, I let him go to his friend. His brother, because I do believe their bond is that strong. He lets go of my hand, he doesn’t wipe his tears. He clings to large manila envelope in his other hand he walks towards Rowan. I see the little girls watching us, I am drawn to her and I walk slowly through the gate and up to where she swings. I get a fright when she looks up at me, her eyes are two entirely different colours giving her a sinister almost evil look. Her nervous smile warms me a little and I stand next to her not saying anything while she swings. We watch Callum fall on his knees next Rowan and embrace his friend. He empties the contents of the envelope on the floor I see the glint of something metal as he does. Rowans sobs erupt and we can hear him wail now. I feel a little warm hand tug on mine, I look down at the girl next to me she looks at me and says “It’s okay. My daddy is broken. His heart is gone with my mommy. He comes here to cry.”