Keeping Her Secret

by Sarah Nicolas

  He leaned back on his hands and stared up at the sky. He stared for so long, Courtney thought she should check out what had kept his attention. She tried to lean back on her arms, but they felt too weak to hold her. She dropped to the deck, lying flat on her back with her hands cushioning her head.

  “Whoa, there.” Derek examined her face. “You okay? That was like six shots you drank.”

  “Fine,” she said, before the sky took her words away.

  Living in the city, it was easy to forget how many stars twinkled every night. Between the smog, the buildings, and the streetlights, Courtney was lucky if she could make out the Big Dipper at home. But here, in a huge valley, with nothing obstructing her view and the closest town miles away, they were innumerable. Her eyes traced Scorpio, the Big Dipper, the Little Dipper, and more constellations she wasn’t sure were official or just in her head. With that many stars, she could trace any shape she wanted. The longer she stared, the more stars appeared. And as long as she kept the lake out of her peripheral vision, the world didn’t spin.

  A soft, rhythmic thunk vibrated through the boards of the dock.

  “Your friend’s coming,” Derek said. “I’m gonna go, okay?”

  Unable to rip her gaze away from the millions of stars dancing before her eyes, she was vaguely aware of him standing, then walking away.

  “Thanks, Derek,” she called after him.

  Someone sat down beside her with soft, slow movements. A cold water bottle was placed in her hand. Courtney heard the splash of feet joining hers in the water.

  “I drank too much,” Courtney said.

  “Yeah,” an unexpected voice said. “That’s why I came to make sure you were okay.”

  Courtney’s head snapped up. “Riya,” she said.

  …

  “Hey, Court.” Riya cast a single glance over her shoulder. “How you feeling?”

  “Great,” Courtney said. “Fantastic. Excellent. Dandy.” Her body was rigid, like she was trying to hold herself together by clenching every muscle in her body.

  Still a terrible liar.

  “Then let’s get back to the cabin. It’s past lights-out.”

  Dee said she’d cover for them, but Riya didn’t know how long that would work.

  “Leave me alone,” Courtney said, slurring her words. “I’ll come in when I’m ready. The stars are too beautiful to leave.”

  Or she was too drunk to stand up. In which case, there was no way Riya would leave her alone inches from a lake. Riya reclined until she lay next to Courtney, who turned out to be right. The stars were actually magnificent. A million twinkle lights on an endless expanse of deep indigo velvet. A crescent moon on the horizon cast a soft glow over everything. Worth missing curfew for.

  Riya turned her head, scrutinizing Courtney’s profile. “I saw Derek leaving. What happened?”

  Her lips parted, closed again. She breathed out through her nose. “He’s a Monet.”

  For some reason, that made perfect sense to Riya. “I’ve always been partial to Picasso.”

  Courtney’s head swiveled to the side. She searched Riya’s face. “Are you making fun of me?” Her pale blue eyes sparkled in the darkness like the light came from inside them.

  Riya shook her head. “He’s hot, though.”

  Courtney sighed. “They always are.”

  She didn’t know what that meant, but Courtney hadn’t told her to leave again yet, and she wanted to keep the peace.

  “There’re a lot of cute guys here.” Riya wasn’t sure why she took the conversation in the boy direction, but from what she’d seen, it was basically all Courtney and her best friend Bridget talked about. Seemed like a safe subject.

  “Yep.” Courtney turned her eyes back to the sky.

  Minutes passed before either of them spoke again. So much for trying to engage Courtney in a conversation about boys. Riya was content to simply lie there, next to Courtney, staring at the sky. She kept checking to make sure Courtney hadn’t fallen asleep. Her blond hair fanned out against the gray, sun-bleached wood.

  Courtney broke the silence. “You and Trey are getting along really well.”

  Courtney bit off the ends of her words, bitterness coloring her tone. Riya wondered again if the two had dated before.

  Riya chewed her lip. Guilt washed over her. “I guess.”

  “You guess? You two were all over each other tonight.”

  She hadn’t thought Courtney’d noticed her at all. She laughed at herself. She literally fell on top of Courtney and the girl still managed to ignore her.

  Truthfully, Trey had been all over her during the movie. Riya kept finding excuses to move away.

  “Honestly?” Riya said. “He’s great, really. Funny and smart and totally cute.”

  A smile pulled at the corner of Courtney’s mouth when she turned again to face Riya. “But?”

  Courtney’s gaze lingered on Riya’s. Her heart leapt into her throat, making it hard to speak. “How’d you know there was a ‘but’ coming?”

  “I know you.”

  Courtney’s statement hit Riya like a hard-driven spike to the face. Just like that. So matter-of-fact, no hesitation. Stunned, Riya took a couple of seconds to recover the thread of conversation.

  “But,” she began, pausing for effect.

  Courtney giggled.

  “No spark.” Riya knew Courtney would understand without further explanation.

  “You have to tell him.” Courtney’s voice filled with concern, and Riya didn’t know if it was for her or for Trey.

  “I did.” They’d gone for a walk after the movie, purposely heading in the opposite direction of Courtney and Derek. Riya hadn’t wanted to see whatever it was they were doing. Trey’d kissed her. It should have been perfect and romantic, but it was awkward and lackluster. Riya’d felt nothing. Not a single butterfly in her stomach.

  Courtney raised her head to look at her. “You did?”

  “I thought you knew me?” Riya teased.

  “You’re braver than you were.” Her head clonked back to the wood.

  Riya puzzled at the statement. Had she been a coward before? She hadn’t thought so, but Courtney’s blazing self-confidence had always been a spotlight, washing out everyone else.

  “Sorry,” Courtney said. “Apparently alcohol makes me super honest.”

  “Do you need help with that?”

  Courtney didn’t answer the question. “How’d he take it?”

  “Better than me, I think.” Riya laughed. “We’ve only know each other, like, a week, so no biggie.” Had she really only been at Pine Ridge for a little more than a week? She felt like she’d lived a lifetime since she arrived.

  “That’s good.”

  Riya nodded. Courtney licked her lips, setting them glistening under the moonlight. Riya’s mind went blank. She stared, unable to look away. If Courtney had any idea the power she held over Riya, she never let it show.

  Courtney cleared her throat, and Riya tore her gaze away. She stared at the sky, no longer able to focus on the stars. Breathing deep, she closed her eyes and willed her heart to beat slower. Friend, she reminded herself. Act like a friend.

  “I thought you liked that David guy?” Riya asked.

  “Riya, I don’t want to talk about guys with you.” Courtney sounded annoyed, tired with the subject.

  “Oh, thank God,” Riya breathed.

  Courtney laughed. “You are so adorable sometimes.”

  Riya swiveled her head again to find Courtney staring at her. Riya’s previous heartbeat-slowing efforts proved immediately futile. Her pulse thundered through her entire body.

  Adorable. That was a good thing, right? It was like cute, but better. Or she could mean adorable like a six-year-old asking too many questions at Thanksgiving.

  “What are you thinking?” Courtney’s eyes opened and closed ever so slowly, giving her a sexy, sultry expression. “I can see your brain turning behind those ochre eyes of yours.”

  Riya caught her
self staring at Courtney’s lips. This time, she didn’t look away. “What do you mean by adorable?”

  Courtney bit her lip as a smile slid across her face. If Riya didn’t know better, she’d think Courtney was teasing her. “Cute. Charming. Endearing.” Her left eyebrow shot up in a suggestive gesture. “Kissable.”

  The word struck her like a flash of lightning. Riya’s entire cardiovascular system froze for a second, before jump-starting into double-time. “Courtney,” she warned. “Don’t do this.”

  “What?” Courtney asked, her voice dripping with faux innocence. “This?” She reached a hand over and stroked a single finger from Riya’s knee, up to her hemline. A line of fire flared across its path.

  “You are drunk,” Riya reminded her. She’s drunk; she doesn’t know what she’s doing, Riya reminded herself.

  Courtney turned onto her side, tucking one arm under her head. “And I told you”—she raised her other arm and trailed two pink-polished fingernails up the length of Riya’s arm with the lightest touch—”alcohol makes me honest.”

  The air Riya pulled into her lungs felt as thick as pancake syrup. Her hands fisted the material of her shorts as she resisted the urge to return Courtney’s caress. “You haven’t spoken to me in public except to mock me.”

  “Talking to you frightens me,” Courtney said. “My brother was right about that at least.”

  Her brother? How much did he know? Neck aching, Riya rolled over on her side to face Courtney. “What are you scared of?” Riya asked. “Why do I scare you?”

  Courtney’s fingertips traced up from Riya’s shoulder, across the heartbeat pulsing in her throat, ghosting across her jawline before tickling her lips. Riya couldn’t have moved if she wanted to—and as long as Courtney touched her, she definitely didn’t want to.

  Courtney whispered her answer. “That what I felt that day in the tree wasn’t a fluke.”

  Riya wasn’t asthmatic, but she swore she was on the verge of an asthma attack. Or a heart attack. She’d daydreamed about this, imagined this scene in her head a hundred times, knowing it could never happen.

  “That I’m not broken,” Courtney added, so quietly Riya could barely make the words out.

  Confusion cleared her mind for a second. “How would talking to me prove you’re not broken?”

  “I date a lot of guys.” Courtney pulled her hand back from Riya’s face but immediately grabbed Riya’s hand. “I kiss a lot of guys.”

  Riya knew she should, but she didn’t pull her hand away. Courtney’s fingers felt so warm, impossibly soft. Courtney’s pale skin made her seem even darker, and the contrast made Courtney’s hand practically glow in the dim light. Riya made a vague sound of agreement. “So I’ve heard.”

  Courtney closed her eyes, her mascara-coated lashes fanning out against her pale cheeks. She squeezed Riya’s hand, as if to say, Stay with me. I have a point. After a long, slow breath, Courtney said, “I feel nothing. None of the boys. No jitters, no sparks, no butterflies, none of the things you’re supposed to feel.” She opened her eyes. “None of the things I felt when…” Courtney trailed off, closing her eyes again.

  Riya believed there were moments in every person’s life, turning points that permanently altered their path. If this was one of those moments, she needed to be absolutely sure. Riya could hardly dare to hope the rest of the sentence. But she needed to know. “None of the things you felt when I kissed you.”

  She’d intended it to be a question, but the words were spoken without a note of uncertainty.

  Eyes still closed, Courtney bit her lip and nodded ever so slightly. She squeezed Riya’s hand and nodded again.

  Every inch of Riya’s skin felt warm and tingly. She wondered if an entire body could blush all at once. Courtney Chastain had felt something when they kissed. Jitters or sparks or butterflies—maybe all of the above.

  Courtney lay still and quiet so long, Riya began to worry she’d fallen asleep. This thought reminded Riya that the girl had drank too much, of her own admission. Then she worried that her lack of sobriety nullified all of her other confessions. She was debating whether to wake Courtney up or let her sleep when she spoke again.

  “Kiss me, Riya.” Her voice cracked over Riya’s name, and Riya’s heart cracked right along with it.

  Blood roared in Riya’s ears. How she wanted to give in to Courtney’s demand. But, more than that, she didn’t want this to be a mistake Courtney regretted when she woke up in the morning. Or, worse, something Courtney wouldn’t even remember in the morning. She’d been through that before.

  “I can’t.” The words came out raspy, like her throat tried to close up on them to keep them from escaping.

  Courtney’s eyes shot open. “Why? You broke things off with Trey.”

  It was all Riya could do not to look away. To gaze into those beseeching eyes and not kiss her was unfair. “Because you’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re asking.”

  Without thinking, Riya pulled their clasped hands to her mouth and kissed the back of Courtney’s hand. It was as though she were, on a base level, incapable of completely denying Courtney’s request. Courtney’s eyes rolled back, and she moaned softly.

  “Please.” Courtney squirmed closer so that mere inches separated their bodies. “Please, Riya. I need to know.”

  Riya’s resolve nearly crumbled on the second “please.” She shook her head to clear it. “It wouldn’t be right. I don’t want to take advantage.”

  Courtney tugged on their joined hands. “Take advantage, please. I may not be brave enough to ask sober.”

  Riya took several deep breaths, hoping for clarity and to calm her racing heart. She should just get up and walk away. Send Colt or someone else to take care of Courtney until she sobered up. But Courtney Chastain was begging her to kiss her, and that was not something she’d ever dreamed of in her wildest fantasies. How did a girl just walk away from something like that?

  “Riya, listen.” Courtney’s voice sounded thick, as though tears choked her tongue. “When we were thirteen, you kissed me, and it rocked my world. I had never felt anything like that before and haven’t since. I need to know, do you understand? I need to know if it’s you or if it’s me or if there’s something else. I need you to kiss me, okay? I can’t keep living like this. Please don’t say no. I don’t think I can ask again.”

  By the time Courtney’d finished with her plea, tears burned the corners of Riya’s eyes. “Oh, Courtney,” she gasped. She brought Courtney’s hand closer and pressed her palm into her neck. “I have no more nos left in me.”

  A small smile flitted across Courtney’s lips. Riya raised up, resting on her left elbow, and brushed silver strands behind Courtney’s ear with her right hand. She searched Courtney’s face, looking for any hint of second thoughts.

  God, she was so unworldly beautiful, like a river nymph bathing in the moonlight.

  Riya lowered her face to Courtney’s, scarcely brushing her supple pink lips with her own, giving Courtney one last chance to recant.

  A soft, blissful sound escaped Courtney’s throat and Riya was done for.

  She cupped Courtney’s face with her right hand and pressed her lips to hers. Courtney’s fingers tightened on her neck, and Courtney wiggled closer so that their bodies made intermittent contact from chest to knee.

  Riya parted her lips, and Courtney mirrored the move. Her hand trailed down Courtney’s arm to her elbow, then clutched at the bend in Courtney’s side, pulling her even closer. Courtney’s forearm sank into the space between Riya’s breasts, her elbow pressing against Riya’s stomach, and every nerve ending in Riya’s body exploded with sensation. Tentatively, she slipped her tongue past Courtney’s lips. Courtney met it with her own, letting out an honest-to-goodness moan. She tasted of popcorn and vodka.

  The rest of the world disintegrated. The only thing that existed was Courtney’s tongue and Courtney’s lips and Courtney’s arms and the insane buzzing vibrating through Riya’s entire being.


  Courtney sat up and Riya followed, refusing to allow their lips to separate. Courtney placed both hands on either side of Riya’s face and deepened the kiss. This time, Riya was the one to moan. Courtney flung one leg over Riya’s and straddled her thighs in a move only a ballerina could pull off after drinking. Their arms and lips and tongues entangled until Riya lost all sense of time or place.

  Courtney began to pull back, planting shallower and shallower kisses until her lips brushed Riya’s with the lightest of touches. She rested her forehead against Riya’s, a dreamlike smile on her face.

  Then, suddenly, the smile vanished. “Shit,” she said. “Dammit.”

  “What?” Riya asked, her euphoria slipping away with the gentle waves washing upon the dock’s support posts. “What’s wrong?”

  Courtney’s eyes grew wide and she frowned. “I’m gay.”

  Then, she spun, leaning her head over the edge of the dock, and threw up.

  Chapter Nine

  Razors sliced through Courtney’s brain when she attempted to open her eyes. She felt around blindly for her alarm, turning it off. An entire construction crew pounded away inside her brain, twin jackhammers hammering her temples. Her stomach churned, but the last thing she wanted to do was get out of bed. She dozed off again, to be woken an hour later by the sounds of girls moving around the cabin. Moaning, Courtney tossed an arm across her eyes.

  Noise in the cabin rose, then died off, leaving Courtney in blissful silence.

  “How you feeling?” She knew that voice. Riya.

  Courtney peeled the corner of one eye open. Riya stood next to their bunk in a white T-shirt and another pair of those wonderfully tiny shorts. In one hand, she clutched a water bottle and an oversized pair of sunglasses. A bottle of ibuprofen rattled and a bottle of the pink stuff sloshed in the other hand. The pills clacking together resounded like gunshots ricocheting in her head.

  “Do you have to shake that so hard?” Courtney asked.

  Riya barely restrained a grin. It stretched the corners of her mouth, forming dimples in her cheeks. As rough as she felt, there was no other sight she’d rather wake up to than that.

  Riya dropped the three bottles on the bed next to Courtney before slipping the sunglasses carefully over Courtney’s eyes. Without another word, she poured out a shot of Pepto and passed it to Courtney. Still lying down, Courtney tossed it back, grimacing at the chalky liquid colliding with the sticky craptastic taste in her mouth. Sitting up, she held out her hand so Riya could pour two ibuprofens from the bottle into her palm. Courtney flung the white pills to the back of her throat, taking the opened water bottle Riya offered her and swallowing.