I didn’t hear from him at all as the days passed. A part of me yearned to reach out to him, to see if he was okay, but my family talked me out of it. They said he needed to learn a lesson, and being alone was going to teach it to him.
Maryland takes driving under the influence very seriously. Two weeks after his arrest Jamey was ordered to spend thirty days in jail, reduced to fifteen. His license was suspended for six months, and he had to go to drug and alcohol classes. What made it worse was that he never drank or did drugs. This one-time occurrence had left him in a heap of trouble.
He called me the day before he was ordered to report to the jail to surrender himself and put in his time. I didn’t hesitate from answering.
“Hey.”
“I’m gettin’ ready to turn myself in. I just wanted to hear the voice of the person who got me into this situation.”
“Seriously? You think it’s my fault that you drove drunk?” I was so pissed at him.
“It is your fault. Had you gotten into the damn car and come home with me none of this would have happened. My mom hasn’t talked to me in two weeks, and I’m probably goin’ to have to move out as soon as I get back. Thanks for nothin’ you bitch!”
“Bitch? Screw you, Jamey. You’re just pissed because I walked away. You think that you’re God’s greatest gift to women, and you’re wrong. Get over yourself.”
“You’re the one that wanted someone like me to love you. Think about that!”
“I’m done with this conversation, and with you. Good luck in jail. I hope you get raped up the ass.” It made me feel good to act on his level.
“Fuck this, and fuck you!”
He hung up before me, which pissed me off more.
While locked up, I took some time for myself to reflect on the last year of my life. After talking to my parents I decided that I wanted to enroll in community college for the next semester. My parents wrote the check for school faster than I could blink. With all of the money that I’d been saving, I treated myself to a new laptop to be able to do my homework efficiently.
I had a good month before school started, but needed to buy books and other supplies. One day, when visiting the used book store for what I needed, I met this guy who began helping me out. I could tell he was older, and felt comfortable when I noticed him wearing a wedding ring on his finger that he wasn’t just trying to hit on me. His name was Wayne, and by the time I’d checked out with what I came for I’d learned that he was a widow. His wife passed away at twenty six years old from a rare form of lymphoma. He explained that they’d dated since high school, had a child before she’d gotten sick, and married just before she died. He then explained that it was the anniversary of her death. I could see nothing but pain and struggle in his eyes. I felt so sad for him that I went to the neighbor store and purchased two coffees, one to take back to him. We sat at a reading table in the front of the store and discussed our problems, as if we were old friends. I told him all about Jamey, the good and the bad. Unlike my family he listened to every word, giving me positive advice, instead of what I was used to getting.
I didn’t know if it was pity that drew me to Wayne, or maybe just desperation on my part. I wanted to feel something; anything more than the constant heartbreak that had been consuming me. I wanted to be friends with someone that wanted to be friends with me. Our connection wasn’t romantic, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t have been open to it becoming more. I liked Wayne. I sympathized for how hard his life had been, and how much pain he dealt with on a daily basis. I’d watched my brother suffer to the extremes, so hearing another man’s challenges from loving a woman only gave me hope that somewhere out there was a man that would treat me right.
After that day at the bookstore we met frequently, mostly to talk. Though a handsome man for being in his late twenties, I was attracted to his devotion to his wife and child, Abigail. His daughter, now five, was the light in his life. After one week of our new friendship we’d become social media friends and I got to see the slew of pictures that he took of his growing child.
Each time I met with him I felt like we connected on a level that I’d never experienced before. Maybe it was what happened in adult relationships. I really didn’t know, because I’d only ever been young and naïve.
Jamey never called me while he was locked up, and he certainly didn’t make an effort to see me once he got out. If it wasn’t for my seeing Lacey, I would have never known. Though my friends and family checked on me frequently I knew they all had their own lives to worry about. Joey and Lacey were buying a new house. Between running a new business and packing up their things, they weren’t in the mood for company. Shayne and Ashley were always busy. By the time he came home from work at night all he wanted to do was be alone with his wife and kids. I understood it, but felt left out just the same. It was as if I couldn’t ever find my place; the feeling of belonging.
I’ll never forget when I saw Jamey for the first time.
Almost two months had gone by, two months of getting to know a real man with morals and manners. I’d just finished an afternoon lunch with Wayne when I realized I was out of solution for my contact lenses. Since I hated wearing glasses, I asked if Wayne could let me run in the store so I wouldn’t have to go back out later. He pulled up out front and waited for me like he said he’d do.
I’d no sooner grabbed the solution when I turned to see Jamey at the register. He was buying a pack of smokes, something he’d quit when we were still seeing each other. He spotted me before I could turn around and hide.
“Long time no see, Pey.”
“Yeah. It’s been a while.” I tried not to look him in the eyes, but it was an epic fail on my part. All of the reasons why I loved him came rushing back into my mind, and I couldn’t’ stop them if I tried. “How are you?” I really did care.
“Good, I guess.”
“I see you’re smokin’ again. You should quit. It’s bad for your health.”
He smiled and I felt my body melting. I missed being in his arms and feeling how only he could make me feel.
“Yeah, well it ain’t like anyone’s worried about my health.”
He waited until I paid for my solution to walk me out, and honestly I’d forgotten all about Wayne being outside. “Don’t say that.” I stepped toward Wayne’s car and it finally hit me. Jamey looked around the parking lot for my car, suddenly realizing that it wasn’t there. “I’m with a friend.”
“A friend?” I had my hand on the door handle when he asked. “When did that happen?”
“Does it matter?” I needed to say my goodbyes and get back in the car with Wayne. He didn’t need to be involved in mine and Jamey’s never ending issues.
Jamey gave me this half smile and scratched his head. “I guess it doesn’t. Good to see you’ve moved on.”
“You should too.” I almost choked on the words.
“See you around, Pey.”
I got in the car and stared forward instead of watching my heart walk away from me. Wayne pulled away from the curb before addressing the situation. “I take it that was the ex?”
“Yeah.”
“You okay?”
I kept looking forward. “I’m not sure.”
I felt his hand grabbing mine. It was the first type of physical contact that we’d had, other than a hug here or there. This meant something, and I wasn’t sure if I was prepared for whatever it implied. “You’ll be fine, Peyton. I’m here if you want to talk about it.” Just as quickly as he’d touched me, he pulled away and put both hands on the steering wheel.
We spent the rest of the ride in silence. I had nothing to say to what had just happened. Clearly I wasn’t over Jamey. Just seeing him had brought back all of the feelings that I’d been keeping bottled up deep inside of me. I missed him, and the love that we shared that he never let anyone else see. It was there, I was sure of it.
That night, while sitting in my room going over my schedule for the next day I got a text message from Jamey. It
wasn’t surprising since we’d just seen each other, but it didn’t make it any easier for me to gain the courage to read it.
I held my phone with shaky hands and opened the message.
I can’t stop thinking about you. – J
It was a mistake. I shouldn’t have replied, but I couldn’t help myself.
Same here. – P
Come see me. – J
I can’t. – P
I want you. – J
My heart began to beat so fast. He didn’t know how many nights I’d cried myself to sleep over him. He couldn’t understand how hard it was to see everyone around me so damn happy while I was falling apart. They all thought I was just some kid. They’d never think of me as a woman with needs, who yearned to be with the one man she shouldn’t be with.
Don’t do this to me. I’m trying to make good choices. –P
It’s just one night. You can go back to hating me in the morning. – J
I don’t hate you. –P
Then come over and prove it. – J
If I come over there I will never hear the end of it. – P
I won’t tell if you won’t. – J
I looked around the room and saw nothing but loneliness. Longing to be touched, appreciated, and consumed by a man had taken over all of my decision making. I couldn’t rationalize with myself about right and wrong. I had to go to him, because it was all I wanted to do.
I pulled up at Jamey’s house and saw that only his car was in the driveway. He met me at the door, leaning against it with a head full of wet hair that glistened against the outside light. “I knew you’d come.”
“I shouldn’t have.” I walked up each step, feeling like I was floating instead. Being this close to him, knowing we were all alone, it was just too exciting. Our faces were so close. His eyes, so brown, looked almost painful. “Just one night, Jamey. This changes nothin’.”
He reached out and brushed my cheek with the back of his hand. “I’ll take what I can get.”
The moment our lips met I forgot all about our time apart. It was as if the world stopped spinning. I couldn’t understand how something that felt so right could be so wrong.
Chapter 8
Jamey
It had been too long.
My game was off and she was the reason for it. As much as I wanted to be inside of her again, the idea of her being so close to me was enough to satisfy the hunger. Her lips were everything that I remembered. The way her tongue knew my pace, and how her body responded to my touch, it was all so natural. Being with Peyton was never like hooking up with a random chick. She knew me, and I knew her.
My time in jail was the most boring experience. I sat in a cell with some crack head that stole a grand from his boss. He never shut up.
At night I laid awake thinking about a lot of things, mostly Peyton, and how I’d hurt her. She’d left me for good reasons and I didn’t blame her anymore for my problems. I knew she wasn’t at fault for anything I was going through. All of it was on me.
Her kisses filled me with desire. After spending the afternoon sulking that she’d moved on I had her back in my arms. She was mine, even if only for the night.
While pulling away from our kiss, I watched her eyes slowly open. “I missed that.”
I leaned forward and pecked her lips, one at a time. “Me too.”
“So, you got me here. Are you happy with yourself?”
I shrugged. “You are naked in my bed.”
I didn’t mean to sound shallow, like I only wanted to have sex with her, albeit it’s how it came out.
“That’s all I am still, just a fuck?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Prove it to me, Jamey. What am I to you?”
“Right now, or before you walked out of my life?” I was confused already.
She pulled out of my arms and threw her hands in the air. “You’re hopeless.” When she started to walk back down the steps I grabbed her by the arm, pulling her to face me again.
“Pey, wait. You know you were more than that, okay?”
I saw the hate in her eyes turn to something else. It was desperation. She wanted me to need her and I did, however coming to grips with that myself was harder than she thought. She was asking me to be someone different; someone that I didn’t know how to be. I wasn’t romantic, nor was I the kind of guy to wear his heart on his sleeve. I told it like it was. I said what I wanted. It was clear.
“I want more.”
“I’ll try.” It was a promise.
I hated that she was putting her clothes back on.
She took a step forward, breaking the distance between us. “You better.”
Our lips met again, and this time I wasn’t willing to let them break apart. I needed to be sure she wasn’t going to walk out on me again. Getting her up to my room was the only way to make that happen.
By the time I got her upstairs I’d already removed my shirt and unfastened her bra. Peyton wasn’t fighting me, giving me reason to continue. I’d never needed to feel her close to me like I needed her at that very moment. She’d consumed my thoughts, and even my dreams. Admitting she was special wasn’t going to be hard, it was everything else that came with it that I would struggle with, it was coming to grips with being monogamous.
I picked her up and carried her over to the bed, while our lips continued our vigorous bout of kissing. “I missed you so much,” She said in between them.
I missed her too, but I was making baby steps with opening up. “Don’t talk. We need to make up for lost time, baby.” That was as good as I could do.
I backed away and dropped my pants to the floor, watching her taking off hers at the same time. She bit down on that bottom lip as I let my boxers fall and sprung to life. It wasn’t just seeing her again after so long that had me so worked up; it was because it was her. I touched her bare skin, like porcelain, and licked my lips. How this one chick could get me so worked up was beyond my reasoning. I needed to be inside of her, and I was going to figure out a way to make her mine again, just mine.
Peyton pulled me on the bed. Her tits bounced around as she maneuvered herself on top of my naked body. I felt that ass of hers grinding over my hard cock. “You want it don’t you?”
She nodded and ran her hands through her long blonde hair. “You know I do.”
“Take your time, baby. We’ve got all night.” I said it knowing damn well that I wouldn’t last long with her. I never could. She worked her hips like no other, and those breast of hers made my mouth water. I dug my hands over her supple ass and started controlling how she moved. “Put it in.”
She did as I said, wasting no time on foreplay. I’d give her a good time and she knew it, that’s why we worked.
Peyton started her moaning as soon as we began fucking. I watched those tits bouncing around as she rode me hard. Soft cries escaped her lips while I filled her with my rock hard cock. Her skin, such a familiar scent, filled my nostrils. I closed my eyes and memorized it just in case she decided to leave again.
I’d had so much time to think about everything that I wanted, but the one thing I could never shake was my desire for this woman. Though I knew she’d moved on, it was apparent that I still had a chance. After all, she was in my bed, naked, letting me thrust inside of her.
“Oh fuck, Pey. Your pussy feels so tight, baby. Does it feel good?”
“Yes,” she purred.
“Harder. Rock me hard.”
Her hips started swaying as our pace increased. I suckled one of her hard nipples between my lips, gliding my tongue over the tip. Her head fell back as she gasped, so I repeated the process. I could feel her body reacting and knew she was losing control. Her voice became hoarse as she cried out. I held her tightly against my body, and pressed my lips over hers. “That’s my girl,” I whispered.
Peyton’s eyes opened and she looked right at me. “Don’t say that,” she spoke softly.
All of a sudden we both had stopped moving. Her breath touched my
lips while I noticed the sheer hurt in her eyes. “Say what, that you’re my girl?” It felt like a quick kick to the gut. “Pey…”
She looked away and closed her eyes, as if it caused her pain to look at me again. “I can’t do this.”
She climbed off of me, separating our connection as if it hadn’t just been giving her fulfillment. I watched her grabbing a handful of clothes and hurrying towards my bedroom door. “Wait! Where are you goin’?”
She slipped on her panties and turned around so that I could only see the back of her. “This was a mistake. I can’t be here and you know why. I should have never let my feelin’s get in the way.”
I jumped off the bed and grabbed ahold of her before she could leave the room. “Just wait a minute. I get that we’re fucked up, but ain’t this what you want? Tell me it didn’t feel good to be back in my bed again, baby. You know I’m right, don’t ya?”
She shrugged and tried to look away once more. “Please just let me go home.”
“No.” I’d waited too damn long to have her in my arms again. “You belong in that bed.”
Peyton snapped her head in my direction, finally showing me those bright blue eyes of hers. “That’s just it. I don’t belong here at all, Jamey. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep lettin’ myself fall back into whatever it is that we have together. It’s dangerous and all that happens is me being hurt by you. I’m not willin’ to let myself hurt like that again. I can’t love you anymore.”
That word always made me cringe. Why had someone created a four letter word with so much meaning? I would have been fine hearing her say any other word in the dictionary. “Peyton, don’t start this already. Why can’t we just be together? Why does it always have to turn into a label with you?”
She threw her hands in the air. “Because I need more.”
I shook my head, feeling as if I was in a losing situation. “What am I supposed to say to that?”
“You tell me.” Her cocked eyebrow let me know she was waiting for an answer and however I did it was going to determine her next move.
Reject Me Page 5
