A Waterfall Wish

by Anna Samuels

  The film passed slowly and I discovered what good company Nikki was. We chatted occasionally throughout and laughed at all the same spots. It was nice to share such a simple but pleasant experience with someone else. I had forgotten what it was like to enjoy a woman’s company so much.

  ‘What’s going on in that head of yours?’ Nikki asked unexpectedly, as the end credits ran for the film.

  ‘Huh?’ I said, startled. ‘Oh nothing…’

  ‘Go on! You were deep in thought.’

  I considered this for a moment and then sighed. ‘I was just…well, I was just reflecting on how nice this is right now…’

  ‘And that made you frown?’

  ‘No, not this…it was more how being here today with you made me realise my past relationship sucked!’

  ‘Really? What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, we never did this!’ I exclaimed, suddenly sitting forwards and talking passionately. ‘Not once did we sit together and watch a good film without arguing or it being uncomfortable. Things always seemed strained or tense!’

  ‘How come?’

  ‘I don’t really know,’ I said frowning. ‘I mean, I think the root of it is that when it came down to it, we just didn’t get along that well!’

  ‘Oh, I see…what a shame.’

  ‘I’d say it is, but actually I think I’m going to be happier…’

  ‘Going to be?’

  ‘I’m not quite there yet,’ I said, swallowing hard.

  She gave me a sympathetic look. ‘Things have been rough?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said very quietly. ‘It’s just…she’s just been there…all the time…I haven’t been able to turn around without her there as a reminder of everything that happened. It wouldn’t have been so bad but she’s been so bitter with me and everything is my fault apparently.’

  Nikki frowned. ‘How is it your fault?’

  ‘Because I’m not good enough.’

  Nikki’s eyebrows rose. ‘Now that’s crap. Tell me you know that what she said is utter crap?’

  I shrugged. ‘I don’t know, Nikki. I never get it right, you see. Maybe it is me. Perhaps I am not good enough and don’t deserve a decent relationship. Maybe the things she said to me were true.’

  ‘I don’t know the ins and outs of what went on between you, Sarah, but I bet she was wrong about it all…don’t beat yourself up like this! You don’t deserve to be treated this poorly.’

  I sighed. ‘That’s what I think. I mean…I hope I’m not.’

  ‘You’re not, Sarah. Tell me what she said.’

  I shook my head and looked down at my hands. ‘I don’t want to.’

  ‘How come?’

  ‘Because some of it is so embarrassing.’

  ‘In what way?’ she frowned. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘It’s my shortcomings, Nikki. She listed them for me and I clearly don’t measure up to better lesbians out there. I’m a failure and I’d rather not go through it all again.’

  Nikki seemed to consider this for a moment before she spoke again. ‘I should let this go for your sake but I reckon I’ve been through much of the same. Let me guess-she told you that you weren’t good in bed, right?’

  My head shot up and I met her eyes. ‘How could you possibly know that?’

  She shrugged. ‘It’s a classic line for a cheater who’s been caught out! She’s feeling guilty about what she’s done so she turns it all around on you! She tells you that you’re crap in bed so she had to look elsewhere. Sound about right?’

  ‘Sounds exactly right!’ I corrected, frowning.

  She nodded, looking sad.

  ‘Is that something that you were told too?’ I questioned, my voice quiet and my words coming out slowly.

  ‘Yeah of course…they always say that!’

  ‘It doesn’t bother you?’ I wondered.

  ‘Of course it hurts, but I’m old enough and wise enough to know that it’s not true and if she’s not happy, plenty of other women would be!’

  ‘So, it’s the way to make you feel bad instead of themselves?’

  She nodded. ‘Exactly. Sarah, you’re gorgeous…no woman is not going to have a fun time in bed with you,’ she said smiling.

  I shook my head, frowning yet again. ‘I don’t know, Nikki. I mean, I’ve had my fair share of good experiences, but I would never say that I’m one of the most passionate people in the world. I’ve just never had that kind of relationship with anyone.’

  ‘No?’

  ‘No…in fact she was probably right on that level. I mean, I wasn’t that happy in the bedroom where she was concerned either.’

  ‘Details!’ Nikki demanded grinning. ‘Why not?’

  I met her eyes and tried to explain. ‘I just felt like there was something missing…it was…effort I guess. I didn’t feel that…yearning, you know? Am I talking utter crap or do you understand what I mean?’

  ‘You’re not talking crap,’ Nikki laughed, reaching over to tap my knee. ‘You’re amusing me somewhat but no, you’re making sense.’

  ‘I’m amusing you?’

  ‘Yeah…you’re so unsure of yourself Sarah and your really don’t need to be. Have more confidence! You’re gorgeous! You’ll make someone a wonderful partner and wife someday. Forget this idiot! She clearly didn’t realise what she had with you and now it’s over.’

  I nodded. ‘Yeah…’

  ‘So, why do you look so sad about it? Surely it’s best she’s out of your life?’

  ‘Yes, it is for the best,’ I nodded. ‘I just…’

  ‘What?’

  I shrugged. ‘I’m lonely. I don’t want to end up alone.’

  ‘Well you won’t,’ she said simply. ‘And don’t be lonely, okay? You’ve got me now, right?’ she smiled.

  I met her eyes and smiled. What a lovely thing to say.

  Chapter 6

  Connections

  Our eyes met and held and I felt the same connection that I had experienced earlier when our gaze had collided.

  ‘Thanks, Nikki. You’re becoming a good friend.’

  She smiled at me. ‘I could use a good friend.’

  ‘Yeah…always!’

  ‘So, what else was said?’ she questioned.

  I shook my head. ‘I’d rather not talk about her…’

  ‘Think of it as therapy. You air your crap, I’ll air mine and then we’ll move on happily for the future.’

  When she put it like that, it actually made a lot of sense. ‘Well…maybe you’re onto something there.’

  ‘I know, right? So, go on…what else…’

  ‘She told me I was boring…’ I said quietly.

  Nikki’s eyebrows rose and she tilted her head. ‘That bothered you?’

  ‘Of course! I don’t want to be considered boring!’

  ‘But?’ she questioned.

  ‘But…well, I like a quiet life...’

  ‘In what way?’ she asked.

  ‘Well, I like to stay in during the evenings now. I’m feeling older and more settled and there’s nothing I like more than cosying up at home rather than feeling I have to go out! I mean, I do go out to dinner and the cinema on occasion but to be honest, I prefer to be home. I also want to settle down-to her that was the worst possible idea and why she probably left me for a younger woman who doesn’t want those things.’

  ‘Yet,’ Nikki added.

  ‘Well exactly! It comes to us all, I’m sure…I hit thirty and my hormones were raging to start a family. Circumstances haven’t allowed it but my body isn’t listening.’

  ‘I understand that one completely,’ she sympathised.

  I met her eyes. ‘It’s hard. Especially when you’re with someone who doesn’t want the same things as you do.’

  She looked down at her hands. ‘Ah…’

  ‘What?’ I asked.

  ‘Well, let’s just say when I come on to ‘my crap,’ this will come up again.’

  ‘Tell me now!’ I demanded.

  ‘No, we’re fo
cusing on you. Go on…anything else apart from the boring thing and the sex thing?’

  I shrugged. ‘That was enough…the only other thing that came up was where we lived.’

  ‘Why was that an issue?’

  ‘She wanted to be in town and I wanted to be by the sea. We argued about it. We argued about everything in fact. She seemed to want to. I’m not someone who likes that kind of relationship. I don’t like arguing and prefer a simple life. I was thinking about ending it for some time actually.’

  She nodded. ‘It doesn’t sound like it was destined to last.’

  ‘No…it sure wasn’t.’

  ‘So, would you like my advice?’ she asked.

  I looked up and met her gorgeous eyes. I scanned her face. ‘Yes please.’

  ‘I’d say she’s a fuckwit.’

  My eyebrows rose. ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘Yep, you heard me…she’s a fuckwit.’

  ‘What…’ I laughed. It was just too funny to prevent a chuckle. My ex was a fuckwit. She had treated me badly and made me feel bad about myself. It was a good word to describe her.

  ‘Well, look, Sarah. You’re a lovely, gorgeous woman who wants what most thirty-somethings want-a home, a family and someone to live happily with. She’s lost that with you and I think you’re better off without her. She sounds like an idiot. I mean, she’s gone off with a younger woman who’ll party and have lots of sex? Good for her…let’s see how that changes ten years down the line.’

  My eyebrows rose. ‘Exactly!’

  ‘So…am I a good therapist?’ she asked, grinning.

  ‘You’re the best,’ I said, smiling back. ‘So, your turn.’

  She sat back and groaned. ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah, come on! I’ve aired all my dirty laundry! Your turn!’

  ‘I guess…only it’s not as exciting as your break up…there was only one major issue.’

  ‘Oh yes? What was it?’

  ‘The subject of having children.’

  ‘Oh right…what happened?’ I wondered, trying to imagine who would walk away from this gorgeous creature in front of me. The more I watched her and interacted with her, the more I liked her. She was captivating and really entertaining. I found her company an absolute joy.

  ‘Well, my biological clock started ticking about five years ago.’

  I nodded.

  ‘And my urge…my need for children got stronger and stronger…’

  ‘It did?’

  She nodded. ‘It got to the point that I couldn’t not do something about it, so unbeknownst to my ex, I started looking into it and searching for a way to get pregnant.’

  ‘Oh, right? Without telling her?’

  ‘At first, yes…’

  ‘So, what happened?’ I questioned.

  ‘Well, when I first brought it up, she was alright with the idea. The thing was, I presented it as ‘an idea’ not as an-I’m actually going to go and do this, type of thing.’

  I nodded.

  ‘Then, over time, I found my feelings getting stronger about it while she wasn’t keen. She liked a life without those kinds of responsibilities and didn’t want the commitment of children hanging around her head.’

  ‘Oh…’

  ‘But it was too late.’

  My eyebrows rose. ‘What was?’

  ‘Well, I had this guy…he was a friend of a friend and they had just become partners. He was gay but he wanted the chance to have children.’

  ‘I see…’

  She grimaced. ‘What I went and did was a little silly…’

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I inseminated myself before clearing it with her first. I didn’t want a no you see.’

  ‘Oh dear. I take it that it didn’t go down well with her when you told her?’

  ‘No, it sure didn’t,’ she said frowning. ‘She revealed that she had been seeing someone else the whole time and that she never intended to settle down with me or have children either. I was left devastated and heart-broken.’

  ‘Oh Nikki! How awful.’

  ‘The worst thing was that I was pregnant,’ Nikki then revealed.

  I gasped, ‘No way!’

  ‘Yes…’

  I frowned. She hadn’t mentioned having a child.

  ‘Sadly, I miscarried eight weeks into the pregnancy.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I told her, reaching for her hand.

  ‘Thanks,’ she murmured sadly. ‘I told her and she barely cared. She said it was probably for the best. I’ve never been spoken to with such lack of care…it broke me.’

  ‘I imagine it did!’ I exclaimed, furious at this woman for hurting Nikki so badly. ‘What an absolute bitch! How could she be so uncaring? So brutal?

  ‘Because she was heartless. She didn’t want the child and decided I shouldn’t either.’

  I held her eyes, which were sad with the memory. ‘So, you didn’t try again?’ I questioned.

  She shook her head. ‘No…it was too painful. I also wanted to be with a partner to raise a child if at all possible. Losing her changed my plans in that way too.’

  ‘What a sad time you’ve been through,’ I commented.

  ‘And you,’ she commiserated.

  ‘What a pair!’

  ‘We are, huh?’

  ‘And thrown together in the most extraordinary of circumstances!’ I added. ‘Isn’t if funny how fate works sometimes?’

  ‘You believe in all that.’

  ‘Without a doubt,’ I nodded.

  ‘That’s nice,’ she smiled. ‘So, why did fate throw us together? What do you think?’

  I thought for a moment, regarding her closely. ‘Maybe to learn something from one another. Maybe…I don’t know…maybe to help each other to deal with our break ups?’

  ‘And how would we do that?

  ‘By our talking therapy! It’s helped me already!’

  ‘It has?’

  ‘Absolutely! Sometimes it’s good just to air everything and get it off your chest.’

  She nodded. ‘You’re right.’

  ‘I feel a hundred times lighter than I did earlier.’

  ‘Good,’ she smiled.

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘I don’t know…I think getting over a break-up takes time. I definitely agree that talking helps but for me…well, I think for me it will need more than that.’

  I looked at her. ‘What else?’

  ‘Meeting someone new?’ she suggested.

  I felt my stomach clench sharply. Was she talking about me or just hypothetically? ‘I suppose that’s sometimes what it takes.’

  ‘Yeah…’

  ‘And would you want to meet someone so quickly?’

  ‘Sarah, I was ready yesterday! I want to get on with life and do all the things I’ve been waiting for. Yes, I would get on with it quickly. As soon as the opportunity arose!’

  Her eyes were holding mine and I felt that tug of attraction pull me towards her in an almost chemical way. ‘Nikki…’

  She shook her head, lifting her hand. ‘Hey, don’t worry…I wasn’t going to ask you again,’ she chuckled. ‘I don’t want to be turned down twice in one day!’ she laughed.

  I had turned her down? I had assumed she was joking earlier in our conversation. ‘I, uh…I don’t think it’s a good idea…’

  She cut me off, ‘Do you fancy me, Sarah?’

  ‘Do I…what?’

  ‘I mean, do you find me attractive or not?’ she asked, tilting her head and regarding me curiously.

  ‘I…of course you’re…I mean, I find you…uh, well, yeah…’

  She threw her head back and laughed. ‘Was that a yes?’ she questioned.

  ‘I…yes,’ I nodded, feeling my cheeks heat and a blush stain my cheeks. ‘But I don’t think that’s something I want to discuss with you…’

  ‘Who wants to discuss it? Let’s just enjoy it!’

  ‘I, uh…what?’

  ‘Enjoy it!’ she repeated.

  ‘In what way?’
r />   ‘Well, the usual way!’ she laughed.

  ‘Which would be what?’ I wondered. ‘Remember I’m not the most worldly of lesbians! I don’t know what you’re suggesting.’

  ‘Yes, you do,’ she said, eyeballing me closely with a suggestive look.

  ‘Nikki! I just met you!’

  ‘Yeah…and we’re both newly single and in need of some TLC. I’m just suggesting we give that to each other while we’re on this holiday together.’

  My eyebrows rose. ‘Like a…fling?’

  She shrugged. ‘Pretty much, yes! A fling.’

  I frowned at her. ‘So, we have a fling and then what?’

  ‘I don’t know! That’s the beauty of it! We share this time together and then at the end we see what we want to do. I mean, it’s most likely that we both return to our lives separately and go back to normal but then if we like each other, we could start to see each other.’

  I stared at her, open-mouthed. I couldn’t even believe we were having this conversation. ‘I don’t have a clue what to say to you.’

  ‘I have one thing not to say…don’t say no…yet anyway!’ she laughed.

  ‘No?’

  ‘Yeah…don’t say that.’

  ‘But…’

  She interrupted me. ‘I’m not saying you should agree right here and now but I’m just saying think about it.’

  ‘I…’

  ‘Don’t overanalyse, Sarah, just think about it and if you find yourself hankering after some tender loving care from yours truly; you just let me know…’

  ‘I…’I met her eyes. ‘Okay.’

  ‘Okay, yes?’ she asked, brightening.

  ‘No, okay I’ll think about it!’ I chuckled.

  ‘Ah, good…well at least it wasn’t a no!’ she said happily.

  I grinned at her. She really did make me laugh.

  ‘Right, well now that’s aired and done-how about a game of something? There’s a whole cabinet full of them over there!’ she said, pointing over to where there was a shelf stacked full of board games.

  ‘Really? I haven’t played a board game in years!’

  ‘That’s the beauty of it! This’ll be great fun!’

  I smiled at her. Somehow, I just knew that she was right.

  Chapter 7