My Brother's Love

by Chara Croft

  When I was little, I’d had horrible nightmares whenever I’d tried to sleep alone, but Jonah had always been able to chase them away, and even though I hadn’t had them in years, I’d worried that they might come back when he left for college. They hadn’t, but if I’d been smarter, I would have known that I should have been scared of something else entirely. Scared of him realizing I was too much work, too clingy, too needy… scared of how foolish I’d been to have thought we’d always be together.

  That he’d always be there for me, the way he used to promise.

  That he’d be everything for me.

  “Your mother and I need you to come downstairs,” Father said, looking uncomfortable. “We’ve decided to change our schedule for the holiday, and we’d like to discuss your behavior before we leave.”

  “Leave?” I asked, my brow crinkling. “Do you have an event to go to tonight?”

  Father sighed, his hand clamping down on my shoulder as he shook his head. “I told your mother we should have brought you up to speed last week, but she preferred to leave any fallout to your brother to deal with. I apologize that it’s so last minute.”

  I had no idea what he was talking about, but the fact that he’d mentioned my brother sucked all the air out of my lungs and left me gasping. “Jonah? What, um, what does he have to… to do with your plans? Is he coming home?”

  Please.

  Oh, God… PLEASE.

  I held my breath as I waited for Father to answer, trying and failing not to get my hopes up when they’d most likely be dashed. Jonah hadn’t come home at all for the last year, and even though I’d been the one who’d begged my parents for a gap year because I couldn’t face him at college knowing he didn’t want to be around me anymore, I’d still missed him every single day he’d been gone.

  I sent up a silent prayer.

  I’d be so good if he came back.

  I’d leave him alone.

  I wouldn’t ask anything of him. Just seeing him again would be enough.

  My father glanced at his watch, starting to look impatient. “Yes, Caleb,” he said brusquely, his answer making my heart soar and my stomach cramp, both at the same time. “Your brother should be here any minute, and the car bringing him from the airport will take your mother and I. We’re going to Aspen and will be back after the New Year. Until then, Jonah has promised to look out for you. I know you’re technically an adult, but until we see signs that you’re ready to be a responsible one, your mother and I aren’t comfortable leaving you alone here at the house. He’s in charge, do you understand?”

  “Yes, Father,” I whispered, blindsided by the news.

  Actually, I didn’t understand—why would Jonah agree to this when he’d made it perfectly clear he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore?—but I wasn’t going to argue.

  Maybe I should have chafed at Father’s implication that I needed a keeper at my age, but the truth was, I did—as long as my keeper was Jonah. Even my parents, who often acted like they forgot I was around, had noticed how lost I was without him.

  Nothing felt right without Jonah there to take charge the way he always had when I was younger. He’d always been there to tell me what to do and teach me how to do it. I’d trusted him implicitly and loved him unconditionally… so much so that I hadn’t hesitated for a second to ask him for what I needed the last time he’d been home.

  I squashed the sick feeling in my stomach at the memory. That had been a mistake.

  “Come on, then,” Father said, gesturing for me to accompany him downstairs. “Your mother wants to say goodbye to you.”

  I swallowed hard as I followed him. I wouldn’t make any mistakes with Jonah this time; I just wasn’t strong enough to deal with losing him again. I’d keep my distance no matter how much I was already longing to throw myself into his arms.

  I’d show him I could be independent.

  That I didn’t need him anymore.

  That I… that I had options. Other people to take care of me so that he didn’t have to, like the guy I’d left hanging on chat a few minutes ago.

  And maybe, if I could pull it off, Jonah wouldn’t cut me out of his life this time when he left after Christmas. Maybe I could still have some small piece of him. It wouldn’t be enough, it wouldn’t be what I really wanted, but I’d take anything I could get over having nothing at all.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Jonah

  The closer the car got to my parents’ home, the harder it was for me to tamp down the memories. Home meant Caleb, but I couldn’t even pretend that it was any of the thousands of memories of our childhood I was thinking of; it was last year, just after he’d turned eighteen.

  “Fuck it,” I muttered, slapping the button to raise the privacy barrier between me and the driver when we were about twenty minutes away from the house. I pressed the heel of my hand against my dick, stifling a groan even though supposedly that privacy barrier made it unnecessary. The driver may not have been able to hear me, but I still knew that thinking of my brother this way—remembering—was wrong on every level.

  Wrong, but necessary… at least, that’s what I told myself. Maybe if I gave in and got it out of the way now, I’d be able to be strong when I actually saw him again.

  It was all the justification I needed. I unzipped and pulled my cock out, already harder than I’d been the last time Kayla had had me in her mouth. And yeah, I know it wasn’t coincidence that I’d chosen a girlfriend with Caleb’s coloring. A girl with a slight, boyish figure. A girl whose name was close enough to his that no one could tell the difference, least of all me, when I shouted it out while I came.

  But this? This was the first time I’d let myself actually remember what had happened.

  Urgency overrode the guilt and shame I’d been living with for the last year, and I spit into my hand and wrapped it around my cock, tipping my head back against the seat as I closed my eyes and finally—finally—gave myself permission to relive my last visit home.

  Caleb and I had been inseparable as always from the minute I’d walked back in the door, and the night before I’d headed back to school, he’d clambered into my bed the way he always did, wrapping himself around me and squeezing tight, like he couldn’t bear to let me go again.

  I’d known exactly how he’d felt.

  “I’m going to miss you,” he’d whispered as a hot, wet heat spread on my bare shoulder.

  He sniffled, and my heart clenched. My baby was crying, and I couldn’t make it better.

  I had to leave. That’s what people did, right? Grow up, go to college, get on with adult life. It hadn’t gotten any easier every time I did it, but at least he’d be joining me the following year.

  I kissed the top of his head, squeezing him tight. “I miss you every day I’m there, kitten.”

  I’d made friends, I enjoyed my frat brothers, I liked my classes, I’d been having fun… but damn, it was true. I missed my baby brother like air. I knew we were closer than most brothers, and whether that was because of the cold environment we’d grown up in or just because that’s how we were, I didn’t care. All I knew was that this was when everything felt right in my world.

  When we were together.

  When I got to hold him.

  When he clung to me like a second skin and I knew—just knew—that nothing would ever tear us apart.

  “You really miss me?” Caleb asked, peeking up at me with those big, wet eyes that tugged at my heart.

  “Of course I do.” I’d told him so countless times, but I had no problem doing it again. I’d always give him what he needed if I could.

  He smiled, just a little one. “I figured… I mean, you’ve met so many other people, right? Do you… do you have a girlfriend there yet?”

  He hadn’t asked me that one before, although I’d been razzed about my perpetually single status a bit by some of my friends. And sure, I’d hooked up a few times, but I had yet to meet a girl who held my interest.

  “Not yet,” I told Ca
leb, sliding my hand up the sweet curve of his spine so I could rub his back the way he liked. His skin was warm and smooth, like silk. Still just as soft as when he’d been a baby. “How about you, kitten?” I teased, figuring that he would have told me already if he did. “Do you have a girlfriend yet?”

  At eighteen, I was surprised it hadn’t already happened. I honestly didn’t see how the girls he went to school with could resist him. How anyone could. He was beautiful.

  Caleb blushed, a dark stain on his fair cheeks in the moonlight. God, he really was adorable. “I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I had one,” he said, shaking his head.

  I grinned. “I’m sure you’d figure it out.”

  Caleb bit his lip, a look of uncertainty flashing across his face. “I don’t think so,” he whispered, suddenly dodging my eyes. He pressed closer to my side, throwing a leg over me as he mumbled something else against my chest.

  “What was that, baby boy?” I asked, tipping his chin up so he had to look at me again. We had the lights off—it was way past the time I should have been asleep given how early my flight was the next day—but the moon was bright enough that I could still see him pretty clearly.

  “I said… I’m not sure I want one.” His voice was shaky, and so quiet that I still wouldn’t have been able to make out the words if he hadn’t had every bit of my attention.

  I squeezed him, kissing his forehead and oddly relieved at the thought that he wasn’t eager to move forward with that part of his life yet.

  “Maybe not yet,” I said, smiling in the dark. “But one of these days, you’ll—”

  “No,” he interrupted, surprising me with the force of the word. He half sat up, propping himself on his elbows against my chest. “I mean… Jonah, I think I might, um, I might want a b-b-boyfriend instead?”

  I froze as he stuttered over the word, his voice rising until he was almost breathless.

  “What?” I growled, a surge of something hot and ugly ripping through me.

  Jealousy.

  Holy shit, what was wrong with me? I had no problem with the idea of two guys hooking up in theory, but the idea of another man with his hands on my brother?

  Oh, hell no.

  I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to get a fucking grip as Caleb trembled against me. What the fuck was wrong with me? This was my brother… and while that last word should have been the important one, it was the “mine” part that I was consumed with.

  “I’m pretty sure I don’t like girls like that,” he whispered, the fear in his voice snapping me out of it. “Are you… are you mad?”

  “No,” I said, which wasn’t really a lie, since I wasn’t mad at him.

  How could I be? He was perfect.

  He was also biting his lip again, obviously not sure whether to believe me or not, and I pulled him down against me so I could kiss his cheek, squeezing him tight and making myself say what he needed to hear.

  “Of course I’m not mad, kitten. Just… just surprised. Do you—” I had to stop and clear my throat, because oh fucking Christ, I wanted to kill the faceless guy if he existed, “—do you have a boyfriend already?”

  Caleb shook his head, that pretty blush darkening his cheeks again. “No,” he said, which calmed down my inner caveman enough that I could return to petting his back instead of trying to squeeze him right into my body. “And I… I still wouldn’t know what to do with one if I did.”

  I cleared my throat again. “Well, I’m sure it’s… not that different,” I said, even though at the moment, I didn’t feel sure of anything at all.

  And maybe this time I was lying to him, because how could it not be different? I couldn’t say any of the girls I’d hooked up with had totally rocked my world, but it had always been… fine. I mean, fooling around like that always felt good, right? And my dick definitely liked the attention. But the idea of being with a guy? No, not just a guy, but with Caleb? Yeah, that was different in all sorts of ways that were suddenly making me feel angry and possessive and… and hot.

  God, so hot that I should want to push both him and the blankets right off me, but instead, I just wanted to—

  Jesus. No. I shut my brain right down before it could finish that thought, sucking in a breath as I clutched him against me so hard that he squeaked.

  “Sorry, kitten,” I muttered, nuzzling my face into the crook of his neck but not relaxing my hold at all. I couldn’t. Instead, I breathed him in, willing my cock not to get hard as he squirmed against me like he wanted to get even closer.

  “I’m nervous about it,” he said, his breath fluttering over my skin. “What if I… if I’m with a guy someday, and… and I do it all wrong?”

  I groaned, not sure which “it” he was referring to, but hating the fact that whatever it was, he would be doing it with another man. For some reason, that felt threatening on a whole different level than the idea of sharing him with a girl. Although even with that… if I was being honest, I liked that he’d never shown any interest in anyone before. Liked that he hadn’t asked me about sex or come home with crushes on cute girls during high school. And fucking Christ, definitely not any crushes on cute boys.

  Jesus, what was wrong with me?

  Maybe it was just because it had always been the two of us. Caleb had always looked to me for everything, and I… I liked it that way.

  I liked being the one he needed.

  I liked being so wrapped up in each other that it almost felt like the outside world didn’t exist.

  Caleb and I had both gone to bed wearing just boxer shorts and nothing else, like we always did, and when he’d cuddled up to me, I hadn’t given it a second thought. Now, though? The thin layers between us felt like too much and too little, both at the same time. A throbbing excitement began spreading through my body, the kind that made my cock start to want the type of attention that I was determined not to give it. The type I couldn’t give it, because this was my brother.

  “Don’t be nervous, baby,” I gritted out, forcing myself to be what he needed. His big brother. The one who helped him. Guided him. Taught him how the world worked and then made sure he was okay when he went out in it. I tipped his chin up, making him look at me again. “I’m sure whatever you… you do when you find—” the future boyfriend that I already hate, “—um, find someone will, uh, just come naturally.”

  Caleb bit his lip again, his eyes darting down to my mouth before jerking up to meet my gaze again.

  Oh fucking Christ. I was going to lose the battle with my cock, wasn’t I?

  “Maybe you could… you could teach me, Jonah?” he asked breathlessly. “Show me what boys like?”

  “What do you mean, kitten?” I asked, blood pounding in my ears as my cock started to fill despite my best intentions. It knew what Caleb meant, even as I tried to tell myself that maybe I was misunderstanding.

  Caleb leaned in, pressing his lips against mine clumsily.

  Liquid heat shot through me.

  “Teach me?” he repeated, breathing the words against my lips as he wrapped his hands around the back of my neck and kissed me again. “Show me what feels good?”

  “I always want to make you feel good, baby boy,” I said before I could stop myself.

  He smiled, squirming in my arms again until he’d wiggled himself all the way on top of me, and my cock flexed so hard it almost made my stomach cramp.

  I hissed out a slow breath, trying to get ahold of myself.

  “Caleb,” I groaned, my hands moving down to his ass and pressing him tightly against my throbbing shaft even though I’d fully meant to push him off me. “We… we can’t. You’re my brother. I’m supposed to take care of you.”

  “Yes,” he breathed out, rocking against me. “Please.”

  Oh, fuck me. He was hard, too.

  “Please take care of me, Jonah,” he begged, his warm breath washing over me as he started to pant. “I… I need you. I don’t… don’t know how to… what to—”

  I slipped one hand inside his
boxers, palming his ass, and tangled the other one in his hair, shutting him up by crushing our mouths together.

  I’d kissed him a million times, innocently… tenderly… but never like this.

  “This is wrong, kitten,” I muttered, ripping my mouth away from his and licking my way down his neck. Unlike me when I’d been eighteen, he still didn’t need to shave. His skin was warm and smooth and fucking delicious.

  “How… how can it be w-w-wrong?” he stuttered, moaning so prettily when I started sucking on the flutter of his pulse that I almost came right then and there. “It’s… it’s us, Jonah.”

  I agreed. Nothing about being with him like this felt wrong. In fact, nothing had ever felt so right.

  But…

  I forced myself to pull my mouth away from him and still my roaming hands, then drew in a shuddering breath. “You’re my brother, kitten,” I said again, trying desperately to convince myself that it mattered. “We… we can’t.”

  He blinked down at me, and even in the dim light, I could see his eyes getting shiny with tears. “We can’t?” he asked, sounding broken. “But… Jonah… don’t you love me?”

  Shit. I couldn’t make my baby cry. I couldn’t stand it.

  “Of course I love you,” I said, wrapping him tight in my arms and rolling him underneath me. I was careful to keep some of my weight off him as I brushed the wetness off his cheeks with my thumbs and then leaned down to kiss the rest of it away.

  And no matter how hard my cock still was, I’d honestly meant to keep it chaste.

  Brotherly.

  Innocent.

  Caleb didn’t let me.

  “Please, Jonah?” he whispered, tilting his head so that my lips missed his cheek and took his mouth instead, the way we both wanted.

  I told myself to pull away, but he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tight, arching up against me with a moan that was my undoing. I groaned and gave in, my willpower shattered as I licked my way inside his mouth and found heaven. It was nothing like making out with the girls I’d been with in the past. It was better. Hotter. Both sweet and erotic, brand new and intimately familiar, even though I’d honestly never thought of touching him this way before.