Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes

by Barry Dougherty

  He replied, “I don’t know what they looked like, it all happened so fast.”

  A horse wanders into a bar and orders a tall one.

  The bartender says, “Hey, fella, why the long face?”

  Birds

  Ever let your parakeet out of its cage? My parakeet will fly across the room, right into the mirror. . . . He will hit that mirror: Bang! And he will fly off in some other direction trying to get it together. He’s so stupid. Even if he thought the mirror was another room, you’d think he’d try to avoid hitting the other parakeet!

  —JERRY SEINFELD

  Some months ago I saw a man breaking a loaf of whole-wheat bread and tossing the pieces at pigeons. I was curious, and I asked him, “Why whole-wheat bread?”

  He answered very seriously, “Everybody gives them white bread or cake. This way they’ll remember me.”

  A man suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes to the pet store to shop for a parrot. He sees quite an assortment of parrots for sale for five hundred to a thousand dollars, but that’s a bit more than he wants to spend, so he’s delighted to come across one in the corner for sale for thirty dollars. “How come that one’s so cheap?” he asks the clerk.

  “To tell ya the truth, his dick’s oversized and embarrasses the customers,” is the explanation. The husband buys the bird anyway, and installs it on a perch right over the bed.

  The next day the first thing he does after coming home from work is to rush upstairs. “Well, what happened today?” he asks the bird.

  “Well, the milkman came, and . . . your wife told him to come into the bedroom, and . . . they took off their clothes, and . . . got into bed.”

  “So what happened next?” screams the irate husband.

  “I don’t know,” says the parrot. “I got hard and fell off my perch.”

  A nine-year-old shoeshine boy in Boston sees all these pigeons flying around and is getting quite annoyed. “Fuck off, fuck off,” he says to the pigeons.

  An old lady comes up to the little boy and says, “Little boy, the pigeons are here because they are hungry and want some of your sandwich. If you don’t want them around say, ‘Shoo, shoo.’ Then they’ll fuck off.”

  —BUDDY HACKETT

  What do you do with a bird with no wings?

  Take it for a spin.

  My parakeet died. We were playing badminton.

  —DANNY CURTIS

  Myron’s mother was very hard to please, but one year he thought hard and finally came up with a truly inspired birthday present: a gorgeous parrot that spoke six languages. He paid an exorbitant price and arranged to have the bird, in an ornate antique cage, delivered to her apartment on the appointed day.

  That evening he came by for the birthday dinner. “So, Mom, did you get my present?” he asked casually.

  “Yes, Myron, I did. And I must say it’s cooked up very nicely.”

  “You didn’t cook it!” gasped Myron. “Mom, that bird cost me fifteen hundred dollars. And it spoke English, Portuguese, Mandarin, Urdu, Arabic, and Russian!”

  “Now, Myron,” the old woman chided, “if it really spoke all those languages, why didn’t it say something?”

  This is a story about a guy who has a horny parrot. It’s terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. . . . Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

  The vet examines the bird extensively, says, “Well, you have a horny parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine.”

  The guy’s parrot is listening and he says, “Come on! Come on! What the hell!”

  Finally, the guy says all right, hands over the fifteen dollars.

  The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. . . . Suddenly, “Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!” Feathers come flying out.

  The vet says, “Holy gee,” runs across the room, and opens the curtain. The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he’s pulling out all her feathers. He’s saying, “For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!”

  —ORSON BEAN

  What do you call a missing parrot?

  A polygon.

  What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat?

  Polly unsaturated.

  This young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot. The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it’s a real “smart-ass” with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperament.

  The woman says, “That’s okay, I know how to handle smartasses like that. I want the parrot anyhow.”

  So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her slacks off the parrot says: “Awk . . . nice legs, baby!”

  Well, the woman isn’t gonna take such abuse, so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts it in the freezer for three minutes. While the parrot’s in the freezer, he becomes real sure that this was the wrong thing to say, and is making a large mental note about saying that again.

  The next night, again the woman is getting ready for bed. This time the parrot knows not to say anything about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra, the parrot just can’t resist any longer. He blurts out, “Awk . . . great tits, baby, let’s see ya shake um.”

  Once again the woman gets upset and she decides that instead of three minutes in the freezer, she is going to keep the parrot in for five minutes. This time the parrot has lots of time to think. Remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger.

  Finally, the woman opens the freezer door, takes out the near frozen parrot and says, “Well, have you learned your lesson?”

  The parrot, still shivering and barely able to speak, says, “Awk, yea, yea, sure, sure, but I have just one question.”

  The woman says, “Yes?”

  The parrot says, “Awk . . . what did the turkey do, ask for a blow job?”

  The old rooster could never get enough. He screwed every chicken in the barnyard and wore them all out, so the farmer put him in with the ducks. Pretty soon all the ducks were begging for a rest, so the farmer tethered the rooster out in a cornfield. After a while the farmer looked out his window and saw that the bird was lying on the ground and looked dead as a doornail. Going out to check, he found the rooster lying down all right, but with its eyes wide open. “What’s the matter?” he asked.

  “Shhhhhhhh,” hissed the rooster, motioning upward with the tip of a wing. “Turkey vultures!”

  Why did the pervert cross the road?

  Because he was looking for a chicken.

  Cats

  I gave my cat a bath the other day. . . . He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that . . .

  —STEVE MARTIN

  We have two cats. They’re my wife’s cats, Mischa and Alex. . . . Women always choose sensitive names: Muffy, Fluffy, Buffy. Guys name cats things like Tuna Breath, Fur Face, Meow Head. They’re nice cats. They’ve been neutered and they’ve been declawed, so they’re like pillows that eat.

  —LARRY REEB

  Human milk is better than cow’s milk. It’s cheaper, keeps over the weekend, and the cat can’t get at it.

  —DONALD MCGILL

  I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because it’s cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know that?

  —WENDY LIEBMAN

  A famous art collector is walking through Greenwich Village when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store, and he does a double take. He knows the saucer is very old and valuable, so he saunters casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

  But the store owner says, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

  The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry old tomcat around the house to catch mice. I’ll give you ten dollars
for him.”

  And the owner says, “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

  Then the collector says, “Listen, for the ten bucks I wonder if you’d throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me buying a dish.”

  And the owner says, “Sorry, buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

  —SOUPY SALES

  I don’t like cats. I prefer dogs, because dogs don’t care. If a dog can do it, you can watch. You don’t say that about cats. You only get to hear cats.

  —JIM STAFFORD

  I’m used to dogs. When you leave them in the morning they stick their noses in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you return eight hours later. A cat would never put up with that kind of rejection. When you returned, she’d stalk you until you dozed off and then suck the air out of your body.

  —ERMA BOMBECK

  What do you do if a cat spits at you?

  Turn the grill down.

  Dogs

  I’ve got a sheep dog. He doesn’t have fleas—he’s got moths.

  —JOEY ADAMS

  Why do dogs lick their balls?

  Because they can.

  So why do they stick their noses in women’s crotches?

  Same reason.

  Two guys were walking down the street when they came across a dog sitting on the sidewalk studiously licking his balls.

  “Would I ever like to do that,” sighed one man enviously.

  “Go right ahead,” encouraged his friend. “But if I were you, I’d pat him first.”

  I sold my dog for one hundred thousand dollars. I got two fifty-thousand-dollar cats for him.

  —JOEY ADAMS

  A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar, and announces that the dog can talk and that he has a hundred dollars he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building, which keeps the rain from coming inside?”

  The dog answers, “ROOF.”

  The bartender says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying.” The dog’s owner says, “How about double or nothing and I’ll ask him something else.”

  The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?” The dog answers with a muffled “RUTH.”

  With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”

  Why are dogs better than kids?

  When you get sick of your dog, you can put it to sleep.

  I have a great dog. She’s half Labrador, half pit bull. It’s a good combination. Sure, she might bite off my leg, but she’ll bring it back to me.

  —JIMI CELESTE

  I have a dachshund. It curses when it barks.

  Why?

  You would too if you were draggin’ your balls on the sidewalk.

  —BILLY CONNOLLY

  They say a dog is man’s best friend, but I don’t buy it. How many of your friends have you neutered?

  —LARRY REEB

  My neighbor told me, “My dog was my only friend. I told my wife that a man needs at least two friends, so she went out and bought me another dog.”

  —JOEY ADAMS

  What’s the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg?

  You let the pit bull finish.

  Hearing a noise behind him, a street corner violinist turned around to see two dogs screwing in the alley. “Don’t just stand there,” growled one of them, “play ‘Bolero.’”

  “Now cheer up, Paul,” soothed his buddy Bill over a couple of beers. “You and Louise seem to be doing just fine. And frankly, it seems a little silly for you to be jealous of a German shepherd. After all, you work all day and you live out in the sticks. That dog’s good company for Louise.”

  “Good company!” snorted Paul, nearly spilling his beer. “Hey, the other night I caught her douching with Gravy Train.”

  My dog can bark like a congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary, and play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings.

  —GERALD P. SOLOMON

  I went to an exclusive kennel club. It was very exclusive. There was a sign out front: “No Dogs Allowed.”

  —PHIL FOSTER

  Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails. . . . What puts man in a higher state of evolution is that he’s got his laugh on the right end.

  —MAX EASTMAN

  My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, “Woof!”

  The other replies, “Moo!”

  The first dog is perplexed. He says, “Moo? Why did you say, ‘Moo?’”

  The other dog answers, “I’m trying to learn a foreign language.”

  —MOREY AMSTERDAM

  Two ladies are at the vet’s office. One has a poodle and the other a Great Dane. The lady with the Great Dane asks the poodle lady, “Why are you here?”

  “Oh,” the woman says, “my dog keeps scratching himself, so I’m here to get some flea spray. What about you?”

  The Great Dane lady says, “I’m here because my dog is oversexed. If I bend over to wash the floor or pick up anything, he wraps his paws around me and starts to hump me.”

  “So you’re here to get him neutered?”

  “No,” says the other woman, “I’m here to get his nails clipped.”

  —NORM CROSBY

  They say barking dogs never bite. I know it, and you know it, but does the dog know it?

  —JOEY ADAMS

  A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

  —ROBERT BENCHLEY

  I’ve got a Chihuahua. They’re good. If you lose one, just empty out your purse.

  —JEAN CARROLL

  Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

  —FRANKLIN P. JONES

  The other day I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One of them says to the other, “How do you like that? Pay toilets!”

  —DAVE STARR

  Little old lady to dog owner: “Is that your German shepherd outside?”

  “Yeah, so what?”

  “Well, my cat just killed it.”

  “Ha, how could your cat kill my dog?”

  “It got stuck in his throat!”

  I got my grandmother a Seeing Eye dog, but he’s a little sadistic. He does impressions of cars screeching to a halt.

  —LARRY AMOROS

  They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let ’im bloat!

  —DAVID LETTERMAN

  Hear about the new breed that’s half pit bull and half collie?

  After it mauls you, it goes for help.

  Insects

  At their annual football game, the big animals are really trouncing the little animals with a tremendous offensive game. At half time the score is 33 to 0, and it’s only with considerable effort that the little animals manage to stop the opposition’s kickoff return on the twenty-two yard line. On the first down, the big animals send the hippopotamus around the right end, but as soon as he gets to the line of scrimmage—Bang!—he’s stopped cold.

  Back in the huddle, the squirrel, the captain of the little animals, says, “Say, that was great! Who stopped the hippo, anyway?”

  “Me,” says the centipede.

  On the second down, the rhino charges around the left end, but he, too, is stopped cold at the line of scrimmage.

  ‘Terrific,” cheers the squirrel. “Who did it this time?”

  “Me,” says the centipede.

  On the third down the big animals send the elephant right up the middle, but he doesn’t get one yard before he’s knocked flat on his back.

  “Was that you again?” asks the squirrel of the bug.

&nbs
p; “Yup,” says the centipede modestly.

  “Well, where the hell were you during the first half?” demands the squirrel.

  “Taping my ankles.”

  I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I’m gonna find a tractor that small.

  —STEVEN WRIGHT

  Ants can carry twenty times their own body weight, which is useful information if you’re moving and you need help carrying a potato chip across town.

  —RON DARIAN

  What did the worm say to the caterpillar?

  “What’d you do to get that fur coat?”

  As of yet there have been no deaths attributed to the killer bees in Texas. However, we caught two bees this week planning a murder.

  —DENNIS MILLER

  Two ants met in this woman’s belly button and decided to explore the rest of her body. Agreeing to meet back in the same place in a week, one ant headed north while the other went south.

  Seven days later, they returned to the belly button. “I had a great time,” reported the ant who had ventured north. “There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley.”

  “I had a hell of a time,” sighed the other ant. “First I had to walk through this thick jungle, then I fell down this huge hole, and by the time I climbed out I was so tired that I fell asleep in this smelly cave. But that wasn’t the worst of it: every night, this giant worm came in and threw up in my face.”

  Look at that ugly little bee. Makes honey. I’m a nice-looking person, and all I can do is make a little wax with my ears.

  —MILT KAMEN

  The Armed Forces

  There’s the stealth plane, the invisible plane. What good is an invisible airplane gonna do? The enemy looks down on their radar and says, “Well, there’s no aircraft here. But there’s two little guys in a sitting position at forty thousand feet!”

  —WILL DURST

  How many U.S. Marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

  Fifty. One to screw it in and the other forty-nine to guard him.

  They’re gonna cut back on the troops in Europe by one hundred thousand. Can you imagine what a loser you gotta feel like when you get laid off by the army?