Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes

by Barry Dougherty

  —JACK COHEN

  Two drill sergeants were standing outside the PX, bitching about the long hours. “This job works me so damn hard,” complained Meade, “that even making love to my wife is getting to feel like a chore.”

  “No way could that be considered work,” objected Daly. They argued the point back and forth and finally agreed to turn the question over to the next person to come out of the PX. This happened to be Perkins, a private in Daly’s platoon.

  “Tell me, soldier,” began Meade, “if you got up every day at five A.M., worked your ass off for eighteen hours, went home, prepared your gear for the next day, and fell into bed, would making love be a pleasure or hard work?”

  Perkins scratched his head. “I’d have to say it would be a pleasure, sir,” he finally replied.

  “And why is that?”

  “Because if it were work, Sergeant Daly would have me doing it already.”

  How can you identify a Rumanian jet fighter in a snowstorm?

  It’s the one with chains on the propellers.

  The general issued a rousing battle cry: “Onward to victory!”

  Half an hour later, an urgent message reached him. “Need further instructions. Victory not on our maps.”

  New recruit: Colonel Santer always says, “Never take a drink when you feel as if you need one,” and old Nettelfield says, “Never take a drink except when you need one.” Now, how on earth do I know what to do so I don’t get in trouble?

  Seasoned soldier: Follow both rules, and you’ll be all right.

  The sergeant put his troops through a fancy drill, at the end of which they lined up three rows deep. Walking down the line, the sergeant stopped in front of each soldier, whacked him on the chest with his baton, and barked, “Did that hurt, soldier?”

  “No, sir!” each replied.

  “Why not?” yelled the sergeant.

  “Because I’m a United States Marine, sir!” came the reply.

  Continuing on, the sergeant saw a huge penis sticking out of the line and proceeded to whack it with his baton. “Did that hurt, soldier?” he boomed.

  “No, sir,” answered the private.

  “And why not?”

  “Because it belongs to the guy behind me, sir!”

  We had a colonel named Fat Ass Johnson. That wasn’t his real name . . . but they called him Fat Ass Johnson. No one ever called him Fat Ass Johnson to his face, but I once called him that on the phone. You see, I was working in the motor pool. That’s where they keep trucks and jeeps and vehicles like that.

  The phone rings. The sign said, “Recruits, do not answer phone.” I didn’t know what’s a recruit, so I said hello.

  A voice said, “Soldier, what vehicles have you got available?”

  I said, “Six trucks, seven jeeps, an MA armored car, a half-track, and Fat Ass Johnson’s command car.”

  He said, “Have you any idea who you’re talking to?”

  I said, “No, sir.”

  He said, “This is Colonel Johnson.”

  I said, “Colonel, do you have any idea who you’re talking to?”

  He said, “No.”

  I said, “Bye-bye, Fat Ass!”

  You have to have a physical before you get into the army. A doctor looks in one ear, another doctor looks in the other, and if they can’t see each other, you’re in. If they can see each other, you become an MP.

  —JOE E. BROWN

  Did you know the Republic of Ireland is hard at work on a new airborne weapon?

  They’re calling it the Spud missile.

  There’s this to recommend army life: You never have to decide what to wear.

  Art and Artists

  The penniless artist was cornered by her landlord, who demanded several months back rent.

  “Just think,” the artist pleaded, “some day tourists will be pointing at this building and saying, ‘The great abstract painter Susan Krechevsky used to live here.’”

  The landlord shrugged. “And if you don’t pay up, they can come by tomorrow and say that.”

  Joey Frisco bought a painting of the Last Supper at an actor’s charity function. Later, after a few bad days at the track, he took the painting to a pawn shop. The pawnbroker looked at it and said he didn’t know much about Last Supper paintings, and asked what Joey thought it was worth.

  “Well,” said Joey, “at least t-t-ten dollars a p-p-p-plate.”

  —RED BUTTONS, ABOUT JOEY FRISCO

  I saw some things at the auction labeled “Art Objects.” Considering what they looked like, I’d object, too.

  You go to the ballet and you see girls dancing on their tiptoes. Why don’t they just get taller girls?

  —GREG RAY

  I went by the museum the other day and saw something disturbing. They replaced that statue The Thinker—with a computer.

  Often they hang the painting when they should hang the artist instead.

  I may not know anything about art, but I know what’s suitable for framing.

  How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

  Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

  Atheism

  Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

  —WOODY ALLEN

  An atheist is a guy who watches a Notre Dame—SMU football game and doesn’t care who wins.

  —DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER

  What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

  Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

  They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings, but nobody answers.

  —TOMMY BLAZE

  I used to be an agnostic, but now I’m not so sure.

  Did you hear about the new Cabbage Patch Dolls for atheists’ kids? They’re stuffed with catnip and dressed as early Christians.

  I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up—they have no holidays.

  —HENNY YOUNGMAN

  What’s the worst thing about being an atheist?

  You have no one to call to when you’re having an orgasm.

  What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an atheist? Someone who rings your doorbell for no reason.

  As long as there are algebra exams, there will be prayer in the schools.

  I guess I began to doubt the existence of God after I had been married about three years.

  —BRIAN SAVAGE

  Most people past college age are not atheists because, for one thing, you don’t get any days off. And if you’re an agnostic, you don’t know whether you get them off or not.

  —MORT SAHL

  B

  Babies

  The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example.

  —HOWIE MANDEL

  A little boy asks his mother, “Where do babies come from?” Mom says, “The stork,” and the boy says, “Who’s fucking the stork?”

  —JEFF PIRRAMI

  Gracie: My sister had a baby.

  George: Boy or girl?

  Gracie: I don’t know, and I can’t wait to find out if I’m an uncle or an aunt.

  —GEORGE BURNS AND GRACIE ALLEN

  Looking at their new baby, the mother said, “Those tiny arms, he’ll never be a boxer. Those tiny legs, he’ll never be a runner.”

  The father said, “He’ll never be a porn star either.”

  —BOB HOPE

  I remember a lot of things from before I was even born. I remember going to a picnic with my father and coming home with my mother.

  —FOSTER BROOKS

  A young woman was sitting on the bus, cooing to her baby, when a drunk staggered aboard and down the aisle. Stopping in front of her, he looked down and pronounced, “Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen.”

  The woman burst into tear
s and there was such an outcry of sympathy among the other passengers that they kicked the drunk off. But the woman kept on sobbing and wailing, so loudly that finally the driver pulled the bus over to the side of the road.

  “Look, I don’t know what that bum said to you,” the driver told his inconsolable passenger, “but to help calm you down I’m going to get you a cup of tea.” And off he went, coming back shortly with a cup of tea from the corner deli.

  “Now, calm down, lady,” soothed the driver, “everything’s going to be okay. See, I brought you a cup of nice hot tea, and I even got a banana for your pet monkey.”

  Bachelors

  I’m single because I was born that way.

  —MAE WEST

  Being a bachelor is great. You get home-cooked meals, along with a variety of cooks.

  “Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t?

  Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.

  Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

  Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy … by remaining a bachelor.

  I think—therefore I’m single.

  —LIZZ WINSTEAD

  At the conclusion of the physical exam, the doctor summoned his patient into his office with a very grave look on his face. “I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred,” he said, “but I’m afraid you’ve got six months to live.”

  “Oh my God,” gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in, he said, “Listen, Doc, you’ve known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?”

  “Have you ever married?” asked the doctor.

  Fred explained that he’d been a bachelor all his life.

  “You might think about taking a wife,” the doctor proposed. “After all, you’ll need someone to look after you during the final illness.”

  “That’s a good point, Doc,” mused Fred. “And with only six months to live I’d better make the most of my time.”

  “May I make one more suggestion?” asked the doctor. When Fred nodded, he said, “Marry a Jewish girl.”

  “A Jewish girl—how come?” asked Fred.

  “It’ll seem longer.”

  Baldness

  A fool and his money are soon parted, but nobody can part a two-dollar toupee.

  —FRED ALLEN

  My hair is my own. I paid for it, I own it.

  —CARL REINER

  Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket?

  He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

  How you lose or keep your hair depends on how wisely you choose your parents.

  —EDWARD R. NIDA

  The way not to freeze up in an awkward or embarrassing situation is to pay a compliment. You will lessen the tension. I remembered that. I was talking to this guy I didn’t know very well, and his toupee blew onto the sidewalk. Very embarrassing. So I said, “Gee, I like your hair like that.”

  —GEORGE MILLER

  One old lady turns to another: “Ooh, who did your hair? Who did your hair? My God, your hair looks like a wig!”

  The other old lady says, “It is a wig.”

  The first one says, “Is that so? You could never tell.”

  —LARRY BEST

  Banks

  A record number of savings-and-loan failures left America with a nationwide shortage of flimsy toaster ovens, cheap pocket calculators, and ugly dinnerware.

  —P. J. O’ROURKE

  Gracie: Where do you keep your money?

  George: In the bank.

  Gracie: What interest do you get?

  George: Four percent.

  Gracie: Ha! I get eight.

  George: You get eight?

  Gracie: I keep it in two banks.

  —GEORGE BURNS AND GRACIE ALLEN

  I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need. If I die tomorrow.

  —HENNY YOUNGMAN

  What did the Jewish bank teller say to her customers?

  “You never write, you never call, you only visit when you need money.”

  A little girl in tears came running to her father.

  “What’s the matter?” asked her father.

  “You gave me some bad financial advice,” she said.

  “I did? What did I do?” asked the astonished father.

  “You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

  “What are you taking about, that’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said, “surely there must be some mistake.”

  “I don’t think so,” said the girl, “they just returned one of my checks with a note saying ‘No Funds’.”

  Sign above bank teller’s station: “To err is human, to forgive is not bank policy.”

  Rothschild, the famous banker, was strolling down a crowded street in Vienna when he was jostled by a pickpocket. “Watch out!” warned his companion. “That fellow’s trying to steal your silk handkerchief.”

  “So what?” said Rothschild with a shrug. “We all started small.”

  The banks have a new image. Now you have “a friend.” Your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

  —ALAN KING

  I bank at a women’s bank. Three or four days a month it’s closed due to cramps.

  —JUDY CARTER

  I went to the bank the other day. … I asked the banker to check my balance. . . . So he pushed me!

  Did you hear about the moron who tried to rob a bank?

  He tied up the safe and blew the guard.

  A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, “I wanna open a fucking checking account.”

  “Certainly, sir,” answered the teller, “but there’s no need to use that kind of language.”

  “Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account,” growled the would-be customer.

  “I’ll be glad to be of service, sir,” said the teller, flushing slightly, “but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way.”

  “Just lemme open a fucking checking account, okay?”

  “I’m afraid I’m going to have to speak to the branch manager,” said the flustered teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man, who asked how he could be of service.

  “I just won the ten-million-dollar lottery,” snarled the man, “and all I wanna do is open a fucking checking account.”

  “I see,” said the manager sympathetically. “And this bitch is giving you trouble?”

  Beauty

  I don’t have anything against face-lifts, but I think it’s time to stop when you look permanently frightened.

  —SUSAN FORFLEET

  Oh my God—look at you. Anybody else hurt in the accident?

  —DON RICKLES TO ERNEST BORGNINE

  Adam was the perfect figure of a man, and Eve was indescribably beautiful … so where did all the ugly people come from?

  Here’s my morning ritual: I open a sleepy eye, take one horrified look at my reflection in the mirror, and then repeat, with conviction . . . “I’m me and I’m beautiful, because God doesn’t make junk.”

  —ERMA BOMBECK

  I read in Cosmopolitan that women like to have whipped cream sprayed over their breasts. Unfortunately, my girlfriend has silicone implants. So I use nondairy topping.

  —JEFF SHAW

  He took my glasses off and said, “Without your glasses, why, you’re beautiful.”

  I said, “Without my glasses, you’re not half bad either.”

  —KIT HOLLERBACH

  Her hair has more body than I do.

  Showgirl Carol Gale filed a malpractice suit after a plastic surgeon accidentally injected her with Silly Putty instead of silicone. Carol claimed that overnight she went from a 34B to a 42 long.

  —DIC
K MARTIN

  I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

  —JEAN KERR

  “I’ve had it with my husband. He’s such a clean freak,” a disgruntled woman complained to her friend. “Every night he makes me wash and scrub my face.”

  “What’s wrong with that?” her friend asked.

  “Then he wants to iron it.”

  Sometimes I just go to the beauty parlor for an estimate.

  —PHYLLIS DILLER

  The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one’s soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive. You are leaking.

  —FRAN LEBOWITZ

  A Peeping Tom called me and asked me to lower my shade.

  —JIM BAILY, IMPERSONATING PHYLLIS DILLER

  Birth

  In the natural childbirth classes my wife and I took, the birthing process was represented by a hand puppet being pushed through a sock. So at the actual birth I was shocked to see all this blood. The thing I had prepared myself for was a lot of lint.

  —STEVE SCROVAN

  I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of them told me she was in labor for thirty-six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours.

  —RITA RUDNER

  They call us “coaches.” The job is to remind your wife to breathe. Think about that for a second. You realize exactly how worthless I am in this thing? When was the last time you had to be reminded to breathe? It’s like saying, “Digest!”

  —ROBERT KLEIN

  In this day and age, women can have kids for other women, through surrogate motherhood. Is that the ultimate favor or what? I think I’m a good friend. I’ll help you move. Okay. But whatever comes out of me after nine months, I’m keeping. I don’t care if it’s a shoe.

  —SUE KOLINSKY

  After going through Lamaze, Leboyer, and La Leche classes with his expectant wife, the proud new father remained by his wife’s bedside throughout labor and the delivery. Wanting to be as sympathetic as possible, he took his wife’s hand afterward and said emotionally, “Tell me how it was, darling, how it actually felt to give birth.”