by Pamela White
“Yes?”
“Father Daniel?” I recognized Kelly’s voice.
“Come in,” I said.
“Father, we’ve finished putting the chairs in the front of the church. Is there anything else we need to do?”
I looked down and began attempting to fasten the hooks of my Cossack as I replied, “I will need you and Maureen to stay until service is over, so the chairs can be put back where they were. It makes it so much easier for the cleanup crew.”
“Okay Father,” she said.
She moved closer until she was standing a few inches away. “At home, I always used to help my little sister with her jacket.” I gazed at her, really noticing how tall she was, as our eyes now met. I guessed she must be about 6’2”, since I reached 6’4” in height. I didn’t turn away as she reached forward and began clinching each of the robe’s hooks, from top to bottom. While pinning them, I could feel her lightly touching my abdomen, between each of the hooks. It felt strange to me.
“Thank you,” I said, glancing shyly away. I was quickly drawn back to look at her beautiful dark eyes. They almost seemed to have a starlight in them, as they gazed back at me.
“You’re welcome,” she said, casually rubbing my shoulder. “Well, we’ll definitely be here until service is over Father,” she added, before leaving.
I stared after her. She had touched me. For some reason the feeling lingered to my very core. I felt an achy feeling. There was a heaviness pressing against my pants underneath the Cossack. I took a deep breath in acknowledgement and sat down in the chair. With pressed lips I opened up my bible on the desk and began furiously reading scriptures again, waiting. I continued reading until my achy feelings had calmed down. Something within me was going awry, and I did not know why. Something, I sensed was happening all around me in the atmosphere, and I didn’t understand what it was.
Seven
Chapel office
The choir had begun to sing. Maureen and I sat in the back of the church sanctuary listening, as women from the lodging units collected inside. The chapel was a pleasant sight in comparison to the homeliness of the live in units. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed the comfort of sitting on an upholstered chair until now. The blue carpet was an added luxury. Anything that Father Daniel wanted me to do in the chapel, I would always be more than happy to do. Just having the privilege of being in the sanctuary and go to his office was wonderful. I momentarily closed my eyes thinking about it all. Working in the church and chapel library was an escape, from the harsh and plain surroundings of the rest of the prison. I was surrounded with blue plush carpeting, stucco white walls and blue upholstered sanctuary chairs. The interplay of the furnishings in the chapel office went through my mind. Though medium in size, there were touches of adornment with the maroon velveteen curtains, a wooden office desk, laptop, leather black office chairs and large oak bookshelf.
“Well, how has your first week been, working as a chapel library clerk?” Maureen whispered.
I nodded. “It’s been great! I wasn’t sure if I could learn everything, but you’ve made it really easy to catch on.”
She smiled and glanced back at the sanctuary door. Turning back around, she said, “That choir sounds pretty good, huh?”
“Yes, they certainly do. Man, these are some really gifted singers.” I was genuinely impressed with the quality of the voices coming from the choir.
Ten more minutes of worship songs had passed. I glanced back at the sanctuary door wondering how much longer it would be before Father Daniel came to give the sermon. It had been twenty minutes altogether, since I’d helped him put on the robe. I wondered what was taking him so long.
“Hey, maybe you can join the choir,” Maureen whispered.
“I don’t think so,” I replied. I knew that some of the singers were better than others in the choir, but singing wasn’t one of my talents.
“Don’t you just love hearing them?” Maureen said.
“Oh yes—” I turned and glanced behind the room. A smile spread across my face. This time I’d seen Father Daniel coming in. “Oh, here’s Father,” I whispered. I straightened up in the seat and gazed at him in admiration as he walked down the isle carrying a bible and stepped behind the pulpit.
“Isn’t God good? How many of you all know this? I mean really really know what a good God we serve—” Father Daniel began.
I listened as Father Daniel went through scriptures. My thoughts began to waver. I had seen him wearing the brown felt hat and mid-length brown cape he wore around Carlyle grounds on a regular basis. A tall and slender man was all I had been aware of, in seeing him at the chapel library and compound. But today I had seen him without the cape and hat on. I felt a personal closeness to him now, after pinning up his robe.
I had never heard Father Daniel give a sermon until now. Father’s voice had made a dramatic change. I was amazed with the striking difference between his usual way of speaking to preaching. In his normal talking manner, his voice was soft. But when he gave a sermon, his voice became much louder and deeper. I also detected an accent. I listened closely, realizing Father Daniel was not from America.
I now wondered where he was from. I was sure that Father Daniel had come from a different country. I’d also been pleasantly surprised that he was quite muscular behind the brown cape covering he always wore around the compound and that this Priest, had a very attractive physique.
I stared at him intrigued. While preaching, his dark eyes beneath long eyelashes, had a way of looking at you that was exceedingly intense. Silently I wondered what it would be like to see him fully undressed. I closed my eyes thinking about how magnificent it would feel to be with a man like him now. My attention continued to get lost through much of the sermon.
Now Father Daniel stood in front of the pulpit touching hands of inmates as they walked around the sanctuary and outside the door. He had finished giving mass. Maureen leaned towards me and tapped my shoulder.
“Wasn’t that a great sermon?” She asked.
I nodded and smiled, even though I had missed out on listening to all of it; my thoughts had vacillated between the word and the man giving it, remembering and being distracted with Father Daniel’s well shaped torso, that my fingers had braised lightly, while pinning up the Cossack.
After all the women were gone, Maureen and I moved the choir chairs back to the right side of the sanctuary. Once finished, Maureen and I went outside the sanctuary down the hallway to the chapel office. She knocked on the door and called out, “Father Daniel?.”
“You can come in,” Father Daniel replied.
Maureen opened the door and we stood at the entrance. Father Daniel was sitting behind the desk working on the laptop computer. “The chairs are back by the wall. Is there anything else you want us to do?” Maureen asked.
Father Daniel glanced up and said, “No, that will do for today. I appreciate your help.”
I licked my lips and took a deep breath. “Oh Father, that was a great sermon,” I said. He turned his attention towards me. “
“Thank- you Kelly. I’ll be seeing you two tomorrow.”
Maureen lightly touched Kelly’s shoulder, stepped inside of the office and said, “Father, this is the week that Kelly and I start working separate shifts. You remember how me and Alison worked?”
“Oh, you’re going back to the regular way. That’s fine. Are you sure Kelly is ready to work in the chapel library without you being there with her?”
Before Maureen answered I had moved forward and answered, “Oh yes Father! I’ve learned all the duties.”
“Yes Father. She’s ready and quite capable of handling the job.”
“And I will be on time,” I added smiling.
“Okay. What are the days for each of you now?”
“Alison used to work Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, and I would work Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Then we’d both be here for Sunday mass, of course. If that is alright with you Father Daniel, Kelly and I will wo
rk that same schedule.”
Father Daniel nodded. “That sounds fine with me. Then I’ll be seeing you tomorrow evening and Kelly on Tuesday.”
“Yes Father,” I said. “That’s right,” Maureen added.
“Very well,” Father Daniel said, glancing back down at the laptop.
Maureen and I turned and left the office. I moved silently, thinking how great it was, to actually speak to Father Daniel and to know that I’d get to speak to him on a regular basis. Maureen and I exited the chapel and walked across the sidewalks that led to lodging buildings. After ascending the B building stairwell, we continued going through the huge lobby and up more stairs until we had reached the room. I felt at peace. Later I would reflect that these were my peaceful days, before the problems began.
Eight
Four months later
I looked at the line of phones on the live in building’s hallway. I wondered if choosing the second one would make a difference in the status of my unanswered calls, in trying to reach Mark. I had not received an answer from him in over the three months. I decided to try it out this time. My right eye squinted nervously as the third ring went unanswered. The receiver picked up but all I heard at first, was silence.
“Hello?” I took a deep breath at Mark’s voice. I sighed. He had finally been available to talk to me.
“Mark?”
“Yeah. This is me.” My eye squinted harder.
After inhaling deeply I yelled,“Where in the hell have you been! I’ve been trying to contact you over three months now. I’ve been worried sick wondering what happened to you? Did you get into some kind of trouble behind cocaine?” I knew that I must have looked wild-eyed.
“Nah. Actually I’ve been doin great.”
I batted my eyes wondering what had happened. “You are? Well, where have you been all this time?”
Silence.
“Mark? Would you please let me know where you’ve been over the past few months?”
I heard a rumbling sound coming from the receiver. After the sounds had stopped, he whispered, “Look, I don’t have time to talk very long. I’ve been staying at the Underground treatment center. I just got out last night. I went there to get straight. Now I’m clean.”
“What do you mean? Did you stop smoking?”
“Yep. I went cold turkey in the Underground center and now I don’t use any coke anymore.”
I took a deep breath. “Are you for real?”
“I am. It’s all over now. No more drugs for me.”
I felt dumbfounded and didn’t know what to say for several minutes. With pursed lips I said, “Look, I’m glad to hear that you stopped using drugs. I’m just a bit surprised to hear it. I can’t help wondering what caused this big change?”
I heard rumbling sounds, as if something was moving on his end of the line. Then I heard a muffled female’s voice. “Don’t stop now Mark. Come on, let’s finish. Just tell her you’ve got to go.”
Mark’s muffled voice replied, “Just hold up girl. This isn’t gonna take but a few minutes.”
“Just hang up on her!” the female’s voice hissed.
My heart began to beat fast as absorbed the meaning of what I’d just heard.
“Hello?” I yelled.
Mark began making strange breathing noises. The seconds before he spoke seemed like hours. “Hey Baby, I’m gonna have to talk to you later. I’m kind of busy right now.”
“Talk to me later? Later like hell!” I shrieked. “I heard a woman’s voice! You’re with someone! Who’s over there with you Mark?”
The breathing and rumbling noises continued as he spoke. “It’s_ no one! I mean-no one but Jade.”
“Jade!” I shouted. “Your-your ex girlfriend?” My eyes squinted as I recalled the bi-racial asian and black girlfriend he’d had, before me.
“Yes Kelly.”
“When did you start seeing that bitch again!”
“I’ve been seeing Jade a few months. But_ah_ it’s_ah_ not what you think!”
“Mark! You promised me after you and I had gotten together, that you would never see her again! Are you turning into a liar now, just cause I’m not there?”
“Huh? No-o-o! Look, you don’t have to worry about Jade baby. She and I are just friends. You should be glad about it. She’s the friend I mentioned to you months ago, that I was goin out with. And-she’s the one person in this world who got me to go to the Underground treatment center. And she stuck with me through all of that!”
I was seething with rage and pain as I slammed my free hand against the wall, turned around and laid my head back against it.
There were the rumbling sounds again. Now I realized what I was hearing. The sounds had become clearer. It was the creaking of the mattress spring moving back and forth. It had gotten louder and more frequent.
“Hey, I’ve gotta let you go. You can call me back later-if you want.” The phone went dead.
I was blazing with anger. While tears sprung to my eyes, I glanced around at the women, moving around down the hall, in the lobby. With pursed lips I hung up the receiver, and went back to my room. I felt thankful that I was at least alone in the room, since the work release call had already taken place and Maureen was gone. I did not want anyone to see me like this. After flopping down face down into the bed and smothering my face in my pillow, I considered what I had just discovered. I felt like I was in a nightmare. The tears flowed. Though time moved on, I felt frozen. My fists balled at my sides as I cried. When the guard announced the open dinner call, I wiped my eyes and slowly got up off the bed. I had lost my appetite. I continued wiping my tears and went outside, towards the track field.
“Hey Kelly!” I turned around and looked at Julia coming towards me. “Oh, you don’t look so well today,” she added, after reaching my side.
I felt relieved. Julia was the only person I cared to see at the moment.
“Oh Julia, I’ve just found out something. It’s terrible, terrible, terrible!”
“What’s wrong Kelly?” she asked, coming to a stop and staring at me.
I shook my head. “I just talked to Mark and you know what? He’s been unfaithful! He’s involved with his old ex girlfriend Jade. They’ve been seeing each other for months!”
Julia touched my shoulder and said, “Here baby, let’s go and sit down on one of the benches. That way we can relax while we discuss whatever it is you want to talk about.”
I grimaced, trying to hold back my tears and followed her to one of the benches near the trees. After we’d sat down, she said, “Okay. Now tell me what all has happened.”
“I just talked to Mark. Well, I thought Mark was my man, and that we were destined to be together for life, but I just found out, it’s not true! He hasn’t been my man for months now.”
“What makes you think that way Kelly?”
“Because, he’s gotten back involved with Jade.”
“Jade? Who is Jade?”
“Before Mark and I started seeing each other, he had a girlfriend named Jade.”
“Oh, so he was involved with someone, when you and him met?”
“Yes, that’s right. But then, he and I started liking each other. At the time I was a waitress at the International Pancake House. He came in the restaurant with Jade but took a liking to me. He returned to the restaurant without her and we started hitting it off. After we began dating he broke up with her. And then, we started living together not long after that. I was living with my mom when we first met but eventually I moved from my mother’s house to live with Mark.”
“Oh dear. You must have really fallen for the guy. I remember you said your parents had a very nice home.”
“Yes. I loved Mark. He was the first man I had ever fallen in love with. I was only seventeen when we met. And then it wasn’t until after I’d moved with him that I found out that he was a cocaine addict. I didn’t even know about that until after we’d started living together.”
“Okay. So, you found out later that he was int
o cocaine. And you still stayed with him?”
“Yes,” I sobbed. “I would never have believed it, if someone had told me, that he would eventually betray me while I served time in prison. Never in a million years. I was young and dumb. How could I have been so stupid!” I yelled, shaking my head.
Julia moved back against the back rest of the bench and slowly rubbed her chin. “ No, you’re not stupid. Young, yes. But not stupid. This guy was your first love. But, I’ve been trying to figure out how you got started using coke, if he was the addict?”
“Julia, I’m going to tell you a secret. Do you promise not to tell it to anyone?”
“Sure Kelly, I promise.”
“I’ve never used drugs! Let alone cocaine! And I’ve never sold any drugs!” I cried. “When I got busted, I’d picked up 10 kilos for Mark. It was in my purse when the police pulled me over for speeding. I was so nervous that I had started speeding without realizing it. Even though I had picked up the powder for him several times before, this was the first time I’d picked up so much at one time.”
“Oh no Kelly! You mean to tell me you’ve never used or sold the drug?”
“That’s right Julia. I’m not lying. I’ve never used it. So I’ve never even been a drug dealer. I would just pick it up for Mark when he asked me. And he was the only one using it and selling it. Not me.”
“Girl, why did you take the rap for that man? And you say he’s not even faithful!”
“Because, if Mark had taken responsibility for having the 10 kilos, he would’ve received life, because he already has a record.”
Julia shook her head. “Oh my. You have taken the fall for doing something you have never even done. The things we women will do for the one we love. Gosh. It’s so sad because I understand how you must feel.”
I took a deep breath as Julia began stroking my back. I began to sniffle. After a few minutes, I looked at her and said, “Julia, I had such a great life before I got mixed up with Mark. I can’t believe how much I’ve sacrificed to have that man. I lived in a middle-class home with my mom, I had a nice, comfortable bedroom, a queen sized bed, friends from school and I had whatever kinds of foods I wanted to eat-anytime of the day! Then I moved out from there to live in an apartment with Mark, just to be with him. He was my first love. And now here I am, in this place, where you have to share a small space with a stranger, obey a bunch of ridiculous rules and never know whether you’re going to be able to have something decent to eat at meal time or put up with something not fit for a dog. And, after all I’ve done for Mark, I don’t even have a man now!” I balled over and allowed my tears to run freely.
