Home at Last

by Alex Sapegin

  When Alex is not crafting his wonderful stories, he enjoys spending time with his children, skating or fishing.

  Check out Alex’s page on our website litworld.com.

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  [1] Suicidal warriors, such as Earth’s kamikaze

  * * *

  [SJ(S1]Not sure what this is supposed to be, so just double check in case it’s a misspelling

  [S2]If this is a mental thought and is not spoken out loud, then type as

  Thank you, we could have forgotten that, Andy cursed mentally..

  [S3]If there is only one “no man’s land” then it should be capitalized. If this is a nickname for many different places, then leave as is

  [S4]Is this supposed to be Vistamel?

  [S5]I’m not sure what this is supposed to mean. Grammatically, it’s correct, but it doesn’t make sense to me

  [S6]This seems like an odd word but I can’t figure out from the rest of the paragraph what a standard is supposed to be

  [S7]I’m confused by this sentence

  [S8]??

  [S9]If the Twins are leading the person, then put “believing that the goddesses are..” if it’s a different goddess and only one, then put “believing that the goddess is..”

  [S10]?? a carrot?

  [S11]Saying “horseman on hasses or horses” is really redundant. I would either say

  “After that, horseman arrived..” or “After that, those on horses or hasses arrived..”

  [S12]I’m not sure if this is supposed to be capitalized or not

  [S13]Again, not sure what a “standard” is

  [S14]Who??

  [S15]Andy’s already left the room? See yellow highlight on previous page. The movement is confusing because if Rigaud was “the guy” Andy grabbed, then I would have all of the end of the conversation of those in the room happen before the door closes, then have Andy and Riguad start talking, instead of breaking it up

  [S16]It doesn’t make sense to have someone freeze and then still move. Also I have no idea what this sentence is really saying..

  [S17]If the “Mistress” is Jagirra, then call her that here again since this is coming from Tyigu’s POV

  [S18]Scapula is the shoulder bone, so there’s no scapula of a left front paw? Also if she’s in human form, she wouldn’t have a paw, it would still be a hand?

  [S19]Since I’ve only read books 1 and 2, I’m guessing I’m missing something with Jagirra being a dragon now? Either way, it would be good to mention somewhere for this whole section starting with her what form she’s in because there’s mention of her changing into an elf, so I assumed that she was in elf form for this, but now it seems like she wasn’t? Just a bit confusing

  [S20]Is this supposed to be Andy? Because he’s not a snow elf?

  [S21]When did Andy become an elf?

  [S22]If Gil is the King, the it’s Majesty. Majesty is used for King (or Queen if there is no King), Highness is used for Queen (if there is a King), Prince, and Princess

  [S23]If Gil is the King, the it’s Majesty. Majesty is used for King (or Queen if there is no King), Highness is used for Queen (if there is a King), Prince, and Princess

  [S24]Do you mean atristocrat?

  [JS25]Is this Andy remembering conversations with the ancient dragon and through remembering that he’s remembering the old nest he lost? If so, say

  “Andy remembered the conversations with (ancient dragon’s name) about the nest that had been lost. Remembering those conversations now filled Andy with melancholy.”

  Or, if this is Andy remembering conversations with the ancient dragon and how the ancient dragon was sad when talking about the nest, then I’d say:

  “Andy remembered the conversations with the ancient dragon, and how they filled (ancient dragon’s name) with melancholy at the time”

  [JS26]Not sure what this means

  [JS27]This is great to include, but I’m not sure what hypostasis she was in before she changed, so I would tack on “back into her __ form”

  [JS28]Is this supposed to be Ania?

  [JS29]Seems a bit unrealistic to go from being enraged to being best friends

  [JS30]I’ve never heard the saying “planted on a raw needle” so I’m wondering what that actually means?

  [JS31]Needs a noun here, like “fifteen percent”or “fifteen dollars”or whatever the currency is called

  [S32]Saddle?

  [S33]I changed this because comparing it to blacksmiths and making an excellent sword when you’re talking about making magically clothing didn’t make sense

  [S34]I think I’m understanding what this sentence is trying to saying, but it’s a really long sentence and that makes it confusing. I would suggest breaking it up

  [S35]?

  [S36]??

  [S37]He’s done this a few times so I don’t know what form he is in

  [S38]?

  [S39]?

  [S40]?

  [S41]Missing a noun here

  [SJ(S42]?

  [SJ(S43]Why is the narrator talking directly to someone?

  [SJ(S44]This sentence is grammatically correct, but I don’t understand what you’re trying to say

  [SJ(S45]Which daughter?

  [SJ(S46]This was already mentioned, and I’m not sure what’s meant by “one of which was open”

  [SJ(S47]?

  [SJ(S48]?

  [SJ(S49]?

  [SJ(S50]?

  [SJ(S51]?

  [S52]?

  [SJ(S53]Kerimov?

  [SJ(S54]I’m confused on who is talking here

  [SJ(S55]?