Barely Breathing

by Brenda Rothert

  The laughter of a little girl on the street up ahead caught my attention. She wore a white coat and a pink stocking cap and walked in between a man and a woman who each held one of her hands.

  “Daddy, look!” she cried, letting go of his hand to point at an elaborate Christmas display in a store window. A train wound its way through a setup that looked like the North Pole, complete with elves building toys.

  The man picked her up and held her on his hip so she could get a closer look. She bounced with excitement, pointing out every last detail of the display to him.

  “And the lights! Look, Daddy,” she said.

  “I see. Pretty cool, isn’t it?”

  She turned to him and grinned, her eyes shining with happiness. It tore at my heart. Viv’s words echoed in my mind.

  She deserves it.

  She did. My daughter deserved to know I wanted to see her more than I’d ever wanted anything. Even if I never got to. Even if Cori cussed me into next week. Even if Brooklyn didn’t want to see me, I wanted her to know how much she meant to me. What if she thought I didn’t care? Or that I’d forgotten her?

  Nothing was more painful than those thoughts. I wanted Brooklyn to know this was all my fault, not hers. That she was as perfect as a little girl could ever be.

  I’d been so shitty to Viv. I needed to apologize. But first, I had a few stops to make.

  Viv

  I got up a bit before eleven and showered, dried my hair and dressed for work. It was all I could do not to call Kane and continue our argument. I wanted to be with him. He made me feel things and want things I’d never known possible. Kane touched me in ways that were more than physical.

  But if we were going to make it, we had to be able to disagree without him walking out on me. Staying when things were uncomfortable was hard for him, but when he left it made me feel like he didn’t care enough to stay and work things out.

  I was finishing up my makeup when a knock sounded at my door. I sighed softly with relief. He was back to work things out, and that meant everything to me.

  When I opened the door with a hopeful smile, I was taken aback to see not Kane, but Grayson standing out in the foyer.

  “Hey, Viv,” he said sheepishly. “I wasn’t sure I’d catch you.”

  “Hi.” My smile slipped away as I remembered our last encounter, when he’d thrown me out of his apartment.

  “Can I come in?”

  “What do you want? I’m leaving for work soon.”

  He kicked the ground. “I just wanted to talk.”

  His hair was damp from a shower and he wore clean clothes. Even though I was mad at him, it was a relief to see him looking more like himself.

  “I have a few minutes,” I said, stepping aside.

  Grayson sat down on my couch, his shoulders slumped and his elbows resting on his knees.

  “So about the other day . . . you’re right. I do have a problem.”

  I sat down on my coffee table so we were face to face. “It takes a lot of strength to admit that. I’m proud of you.”

  He sighed heavily. “Yeah. I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I don’t know how to get on top of it.”

  “What have you been using?”

  His eyes flicked to mine and then back to the floor and he shook his head. “You know . . . coke, mostly.”

  “That’s an expensive habit, Gray.”

  His laughter held no humor. “Don’t I know it. Cleaned me out. I will pay you back that five hundred bucks, Viv. I just need to get back on my feet.”

  “I’m not worried about the money. Do you still have your job?”

  “Ah . . . technically. But I think I’ll get fired any moment now.”

  “Go on a medical leave. Stay with Mom and Dad for a few weeks or go to rehab in Indy.”

  He recoiled. “Rehab? I’m not a junkie or anything.”

  “Rehab is for kicking addiction. And you’re addicted.”

  “I don’t know. I’m just staying home and away from the bad influences for now.”

  I patted his thigh. “I guess that’s a start. You’ve taken the first step.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Hey,” I said, glancing at my watch, “I’m sorry, but I have to get to work. I’ve got a twelve-fifteen meeting.”

  Grayson nodded and stood up. “I’m just gonna use your bathroom and I’ll take off after that.”

  “We can share a cab. I’ll pay.”

  He shook his head. “Nah, I think walking’s good for me right now. Gives me time to think.”

  “Okay.”

  I went into the kitchen and packed my water bottle and some fruit into my bag. Kane’s water glass sat on my counter. He liked my oldest, heaviest glass and I always washed it and returned it to its spot on the counter for him. Looking at it right now brought me down. I opened the counter and set it inside.

  “Hey, thanks for the talk,” Grayson said, sticking his head around the corner to look at me. “I’m out.”

  “Be careful. And safe. Call me if you need to talk, okay? Or come back over. I’m here for you.”

  He nodded and zipped up his coat. “Thanks, Vivi.”

  He hadn’t called me that since we were kids. Hearing it made me smile.

  Grayson left and I grabbed my phone to check my email. I had to return one and call the office about another one. When I got off the phone, I headed for the door with my stuff but stopped when I remembered I hadn’t finished my mascara or put on my jewelry because I’d stopped to answer the door.

  I put my bags down and went to the bathroom to finish. Mascara applied, necklace fastened . . . but why couldn’t I find my watch? I always left it on the shelf near the sink with my other few pieces of jewelry.

  After searching the floor, medicine cabinet and even taking a desperate peek inside the toilet, I panicked. That watch was precious to me. It was the last Christmas gift my grandma had given me before she passed away from cancer.

  I was near tears when I felt a sick lurch in my stomach. I met my own gaze in the mirror.

  Grayson. My brother had stolen my watch.

  I was a mess when I got to work. I’d cried on the subway ride here. The loss of the watch cut deep, but knowing Grayson would lie to my face about wanting to get better and then steal from me was worse.

  After this, I couldn’t even let him into my apartment anymore. I felt a crushing sadness. My instinct was to call Kane and talk to him about it. He wouldn’t talk much, he rarely did, but just having him listen would make me feel better.

  But screw him. Grayson wasn’t the only one who’d let me down today.

  I sat down at my desk and touched up the eye makeup I’d cried off. I was finishing it up when my phone dinged with a text. I picked it up and saw that Grayson had returned my text.

  I’d sent a message on the subway that said ‘Bring back my watch or we’re done.’

  His return message made my skin crawl.

  Grayson: I can’t. You don’t understand. I’ll replace it Viv.

  I typed a furious message back.

  Me: Gram gave me that watch. You sell it for drug money and I’ll never forgive you.

  Grayson: I’m sorry.

  More angry tears were welling in my eyes. My office phone rang and I picked it up.

  “Hey, Viv. You okay?”

  It was Charlene, the secretary I shared with another attorney. She was always looking out for me.

  “Yeah, I’m okay,” I said. “Thanks.”

  “Ben Broadwell just emailed me to say he can’t make the twelve-fifteen meeting.”

  I sighed with relief. “Okay. Did he reschedule?”

  “He’s getting in touch later about it. And Viv?”

  “Hmm?”

  “There’s someone on the way to your office. I didn’t catch his name. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and said—”

  Kane came into view through the glass door to my office, his expression absent his trademark scowl.

  “It’s okay, Charlene,” I
said. “He’s here. I’ll see him.”

  “Okay.” She hung up and Kane opened my office door.

  “Hey. You busy?”

  I crossed my arms across my chest. “No. Why?”

  He walked in and closed the door behind him. I glanced at the big brown paper bag he carried.

  “You were right.” He looked at me and waited.

  “Yeah.” I was emotionally wiped out and didn’t have anything else to say.

  Kane came over to my desk and leaned the backs of his legs against the side I sat on, looking down at me. He put two fingers under my chin and tipped my face up, our eyes locking.

  “You’re upset,” he said.

  “Yeah,” I repeated.

  He took me by surprise by getting down on his knees next to my chair and taking my hands in his.

  “I’m sorry I left. You were right . . . about Brooklyn and about me walking out. I’m trying to make it right by coming here.”

  I reached for his cheek and cupped it, brushing my thumb over his dark beard.

  “Okay. Next time don’t walk out.”

  “I won’t.”

  I sighed heavily. “I was feeling bad earlier because of you leaving, but then things got worse.”

  He drew his brows together with concern. “How?”

  “Grayson came over. He looked better, like he’d showered. He admitted he has a problem and . . . anyway, I thought we were making progress but then he used my bathroom before he left and I realized about ten minutes later that he stole my watch.”

  Kane’s gaze iced over. “He stole from you?”

  I nodded miserably. “It was a Bulgari. Probably worth quite a lot. It was my grandma’s last Christmas gift to me before she died.”

  “Damn, Viv. I’m sorry. Does Grayson know that?”

  “He knows. He was there when I opened it. Probably already pawned the pocket watch she gave him. Plus I texted him on my way here and reminded him. I’m not getting it back.”

  “That fucking asshole.” Kane’s expression was grim.

  “That watch is priceless to me. I’ve worn it every day since Gram gave it to me. She was so happy when I opened it and . . .” My throat tightened. “I’m just pissed. I feel like a doormat.”

  “You’re not.” Kane wrapped his hands around my hips, still kneeling in front of the chair I sat in. “This isn’t your fault, babe. Grayson would do anything for his next fix.”

  “But that’s so low . . . even for him.”

  “Doesn’t get much douchier than that.”

  I laughed and opened my arms to him.

  “What?” He cocked a brow.

  “The word douchier. Now hold me to make up for this morning.”

  He pulled me close and spoke in my ear. “I’ll hold you all you want, but I also brought you something.”

  “You did?” I pulled back and looked at the sack he’d left on my desk.

  Kane got up and reached into the sack. “Remember when we were out walking a couple weeks ago and we stopped at that bakery? You tried a chocolate and I thought you were gonna come right there in the store.”

  “Hey.” I swatted his thigh. “I wasn’t that into it.”

  “You were all ooooh. Mmmmm. Yes.”

  “Okay, maybe. It was really good chocolate. Anyway. . . .”

  “I got you a whole box.” He pulled out a long white box with a red bow tied around it.

  “Oh, Kane.” I took the box and smiled up at him. “That was so sweet. Thank you so much. I’m gonna eat the hell out of these.”

  He reached into the sack again, pulling out another box. “This, too.”

  “You shouldn’t have.” I shook my head. “I mean, you should have on the chocolates. I’m keeping those. But nothing else.”

  “Just open it,” he growled, thrusting the box at me.

  “Okay.” I pulled the gold wrapping paper from a small box and found a beautiful black and gray scarf inside. “Oh, this is gorgeous. You bought this? For me?”

  He shrugged. “I know a lady who owns a boutique. She wraps Brooklyn’s presents for me. She said you’d like it.”

  “I do. I love it. Thank you.”

  He reached into the bag again.

  “Kane, no. Seriously. I don’t want you thinking you have to spend a bunch of money to get my forgiveness. You have it, okay?”

  His face fell. “Okay. That’s good, but . . . I wanted to buy you these things. I’m no fucking good at saying stuff.”

  I stood and cupped both his cheeks in my hands. “Let’s work on that instead of you buying me presents.”

  “You don’t want this, then?” He pulled out a small blue box.

  “Tiffany?” I pressed my lips together, trying to stay strong. “Whatever’s in that box, I don’t need it. I just need you.”

  “What if you can have both?”

  I considered. “Well . . . maybe. I mean, if we agreed that you won’t buy me anything else for a very long time. That can be my Christmas present.”

  He smiled and handed me the box. “Just open it.”

  I did, relishing the moment. It had been years since I’d had a relationship so serious it involved gifts. And I’d only gotten a nice coffee bean grinder out of that one.

  The necklace made my heart skip a beat. On the delicate silver chain was a pendant; a lower case letter ‘k’ with sparkling inlaid diamonds.

  “The saleslady said I should get you a ‘v’, but I liked this idea better. To remind you . . . you know. And this way when some asshole strikes up a conversation by asking about your necklace, you can tell him the ‘k’ stands for me.”

  “Or ‘kill’?” I smiled and ran my fingers over the pendant.

  “Yeah, that’s good too, since I’ll kill ‘em if they touch you.”

  “Oh, Kane.”

  “You can’t say that here, Viv,” he said in a low tone. “You know what that does to me.”

  “Well, you had me naked and willing this morning,” I reminded him.

  “Fuck.” He rolled his eyes up at the ceiling.

  “This is so beautiful. Thank you.” I leaned up and kissed him. “Will you put it on me?”

  “Yeah.”

  I took the necklace out and handed it to him, sweeping my hair up to make room for him to clasp it. He fumbled with it for a few seconds.

  “The fuck is this thing?” he grumbled. “It’s the smallest shit I’ve ever seen. I can’t even get my thumb on it.”

  “I’ll have Cara do it.”

  “Okay.” He handed it back to me. “I have to go, I’ve got a meeting at the bank.”

  I turned to look at him. “I’m so glad you came by. I feel so much better.”

  He kissed me softly. “Me too. Can you have dinner with me at the club tonight? To celebrate?”

  “Celebrate what?”

  “I’m about to buy out one of the other Six investors. I’ll own a one-third stake after this meeting.”

  “Kane! That’s fantastic. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I just did.”

  “I mean sooner. That’s the best news.”

  He shrugged. “I meant to, but you distracted me with your body.”

  “Yes on dinner. I can’t wait.”

  “Maybe, uh . . .” He stroked a hand over his beard, his nervous habit. “Maybe we can also talk about me trying to see Brooklyn?”

  My heart leapt with excitement. “Yes, we can.”

  “Come whenever you can. I’ll see you then.”

  He kissed me again and left, giving me a crooked, heart-melting smile on his way out the door.

  I sat back down, opening the chocolates and sighing happily as the first one melted in my mouth.

  “So,” Cara said, appearing in my office with a huge grin. “He came to see you here?”

  “Yeah. He was in a mood when he left this morning, so he came to apologize.”

  “With a Tiffany box?” She was eyeing my desk. “Damn, girl, you’ve got him wrapped around your little finger.”

/>   “I’m really into him, too, you know.”

  “The paralegals were hitting on him in the lobby. It was so funny.”

  It didn’t sound funny to me. I felt a stab of possessiveness. Still holding the necklace, I held it out to Cara. “Will you put this on for me?”

  She came around my desk and took it. “K? Oh, no. No, no, no. That is too sickeningly sweet.”

  “Shut up and put it on me.”

  “I can’t believe things are this serious between you guys.”

  “I don’t know why not. He’s the best man I’ve ever been with.”

  She made a skeptical humming sound. “You just seemed like an odd match. But I’m happy for you.”

  “Thanks. What about you? Are you still seeing that guy from the club?”

  “I am.” She fastened my necklace and came back around to the front of my desk.

  “When do I get to hear about him?”

  “Soon.”

  “Okay.” I held out the box of chocolates and she took one. “Sit.”

  She did. “Holy shit, that’s good.”

  “I know, right?” I took a deep breath. “So I’m going to need your help with something.”

  “Okay.”

  “This is confidential.”

  She nodded and waited for me to continue.

  “Kane has a daughter he’s never met. She’s nine. It’s a long story. She lives with her mother about an hour from here. He wants to request some sort of visitation. Will you—”

  “Of course. And pro bono, of course. I’ll do whatever he needs.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I’m gonna need another chocolate.”

  I handed her the box. She’d just agreed to take on a case that would’ve billed thousands for nothing, so it was the least I could do. This had to work out. I’d planted the idea of Kane trying to meet his daughter, and if it blew up, I’d feel responsible. For now, all I could do was hope Cori was receptive to Brooklyn meeting him. And more importantly, that Brooklyn wanted it, too.