Fur Coat No Knickers

by C. B. Martin

  ‘Tara… I went into the menopause years ago.’

  ‘What? …Really?’ I asked, completely stunned. I patted the bed, indicating for her to sit with me.

  ‘Yes, really. It’s just part of life now. It happens to every woman in the world. It’s fine. Just think: no more heavy periods. It’s great. I’d just embrace it if I were you. It is what it is. Get a bit of HRT in you and you'll be a new woman.’

  ‘So you don’t feel old and useless?’ I asked, fumbling with the corner of the duvet and wiping my tears with it.

  ‘Children aren’t everything,’ insisted Laura.

  ‘But I’ve always wanted a baby. I know I won’t ever feel complete without one. My baby would have never left me. It would’ve always needed me.’

  ‘Children are merely borrowed,’ said Laura rubbing my shoulder gently. ‘They too, will eventually leave the nest and make their own way in life. Nothing stands still forever. If something’s not growing and evolving, it’s dying.’

  ‘But I wanted to dress a baby up in beautiful designer clothes, take it to the park and baby groups… I’ve got so much love to give, and nowhere to put it. It hurts so much.’

  I pulled the covers over my face, hiding my tears.

  ‘When you’re ready and feeling stronger, get a pooch. You can stick it in one of your designer handbags.’

  ‘It’s not the same and you know it!’ I muffled through the sheets.

  ‘No, granted, it’s not the same. It’s cheaper. No tantrums, no arguments and they’re always pleased to see you. Frankly, it’s bliss if you ask me. And by the way…’ said Laura easing the sheets away from my face, ‘my friend Kath just recently rescued a Bichon Frise; it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. A whole ball of white fluff - she’s even put a diamante collar round her neck. I’ve got pictures of her on my phone if you want…’

  ‘I don't want a bloody dog!’ I snapped, interrupting Laura and pushing her phone away from me. ‘I want a baby and I want Travis. You get another bloody dog if you want one!’

  ‘Kath called her Gucci,’ Laura continued, ignoring my outburst, ‘she hadn't been treated very well, the poor little thing.’

  ‘If I had a little white fluffy doggie,’ I sniffed eventually, ‘I would've called her Miss Dior.’

  ‘That name is so you,’ jibed Laura, smiling. ‘As for me, well, I am taking time to enjoy my life now. I enjoyed the children and still do, but they've grown up now so it’s allowed to be all about me. And, as for that Easter egg you were supposedly ‘dating’ Tara… Well what can I say? Gorgeous on the outside, but very disappointing on the inside, when you took the foil and ribbons off. He was - and is – empty, Tara. He was never, ever, going to be good father material.’

  ‘I miss him,’ I shrugged helplessly, ‘I know it’s wrong, but I do.’

  ‘You've got to stop chasing every shiny thing you see. He was like a virus with shoes on.’

  I hung my head again.

  ‘Is she awake?’ bellowed Katie, bounding up the stairs.

  I wanted to hide under the duvet. I felt ashamed that Katie and mum were seeing me like this. But I was too weak to move a muscle. I just had to brace myself.

  ‘Hey Tara! Jeez - you look… interesting,’ said Katie, brightly. ‘Jesus, I forgot how good-looking the fellas were in England. Even mammy was chatted up by the shop assistant. At her age too… can you believe that?’

  ‘Katie, I’m sorry you have to see me this way,’ I said with a wry smile.

  ‘No worries at all,’ she grinned, planting a kiss on my forehead. ‘Laura will get you sorted good and proper, won’t you sis… if not, can I have first dibs on your clothes?’ asked Katie grabbing my hand and winking at me.

  I cracked a faint smile.

  ‘I have to ask you something though, mammy told me that when you were younger, you borrowed her metal nail-file and filed down your big rabbit teeth, is that right?’ asked Katie with a baffled expression.

  ‘Hey pet,’ interrupted mum, out of breath from climbing the stairs. She threw her arms around me and gave Katie a stern look. ‘Don’t be telling fibs, Katie, I never said no such thing about her teeth.’

  ‘You did so, mammy. You said that she had enormous rabbit teeth.’

  ‘Tara, I merely said that your head took a little while to catch up with the size of your teeth, that’s all,’ said mum interrupting, ‘Will I run you a nice bubble bath pet? Don’t you take any notice of your sister.’

  ‘I think mammy’s trying to be polite… You do smell bad, real bad. But I got you some nice body spray if you wanna use it after your bath?’ asked Katie, her usual insensitive self.

  ‘Katie that's so thoughtful, thank you… I might just do that later.’ I nodded.

  ‘No bother… can I go through your wardrobe?’

  I smiled, despite myself. Even a near suicide didn’t deter my little sis.

  ‘Boiled bacon and cabbage for lunch,’ said mum, theatrically licking her lips in my direction as though I was still three years old.

  ‘Katie! Are they my Jimmy Choo pumps you’re wearing?’ I barked, sitting up.

  ‘Not at all. They’re mine! Sweet Jesus, you really are a complete loon. You gave them to me.’

  I tutted in annoyance, she was lucky I didn't have it in me to argue it out with her.

  ‘Mum… I’m sorry to put you through this – especially… well, you know – after what Katie did,’ I said, eyeing Katie, who was now deep in my wardrobe.

  ‘It’s okay. Just promise me one thing, pet,’ said mum, pointedly ignoring my reference to Katie’s errant past, ‘please stop putting that poison in yourself. I know that’s what made your head go, well, strange. I had the fright of my life earlier when I found a sleeve of a fur coat downstairs. I thought you had killed a cat or something. That’s that Botox you have sending you loopy. You’re just so beautiful as you are pet.’

  I looked straight at mum. I have to confess, I was beginning to quite enjoy the attention.

  ‘I just want my girls to be happy. Saints preserve us. That’s not too much to ask for is it?’

  It was now Laura’s turn to pipe up; ‘Botox wouldn't do that to you mum. Leak, I mean, into your brain. Although, studies have shown that people who have aesthetic work or plastic surgery carried out do often suffer with low self-esteem.’

  Hmm… I vaguely remembered Sheila refusing me more Botox and fillers, questioning my mental state; I had thought she was just being awkward. Quite the reverse, now I think about it. Even she knew, back then, that I was going too far.

  ‘What a gobshite that Jackie’s husband was, eh?’ Katie pronounced as she popped out from the wardrobe, beaming. ‘And that Jayde! Who would have thought? The dirty bitch.’ Katie lobbed my heel-less Louboutins out of the wardrobe with a grimace.

  ‘Katie, not now,’ Laura snapped in a low voice, ‘I haven't discussed that with Tara yet.’

  ‘What?’ I said, suddenly alert. ‘What’s happened to Jackie’s husband and Jayde? Oh my God. Don’t tell me they’re together?’

  ‘Yep - he’s a perv,’ said Katie with glee, still knee deep in my clothes. ‘And he’s at least thirty years older than her!’

  ‘Katie… get out of my wardrobe please,’ I said, feeling confused again. God only knows what else I’ve stashed in there.

  ‘Tara, it’s all on your phone. There are tons of voicemails, text messages and missed calls from Jackie,’ said Laura shaking her head, ‘I didn’t think you were ready to hear that just yet.’

  ‘I can’t believe it. Poor Jackie. How could Jayde, sweet little Jayde, do that?’

  ‘Well, that doesn’t matter right now. Without sounding heartless, this means you now have no staff left at Glamma-Puss. James tried to manage the Salon in your absence. Even Siobhan tried to pass herself off as a beautician in the evenings, after she’d finished her work - God help us. Don’t worry though, it’s nothing that can’t be fixed. Granted, it may require a lawyer or two.’

  ‘She was trying to d
o backs, sacks and cracks,’ Katie interrupted, cutting Laura off, ‘Siobhan couldn't get any models to practise on and James wouldn't allow her near his crown jewels. So in the end she practised on Barry [her beloved blow-up doll] and melted his bollocks!’

  I cringed and sank further down my bed. Clearly, my Salon’s reputation was now in shreds.

  ‘She tried to patch Barry up, but he looked like a melted burns victim,’ said Katie, feigning deep shock. ‘His memorial service was last week. I wanted to come over but mammy wouldn't let me.’

  ‘I lit a candle at mass for him, poor old Barry,’ said mum, solemnly shaking her head and blessing herself.

  ‘Mum, it was a blow up doll. He’s not real!’ I wished I’d never purchased that bloody Barry in the first place!’

  ‘Siobhan threw caution to the wind,’ giggled Katie, oblivious to the fact I wasn’t finding this at all funny. ‘She booked in some furry blokes and went for it. Siobhan rocks. She burned the idiots’ arses, so she did.’

  ‘And now she could be facing a lawsuit and that’s not funny at all.’ Laura broke in. She didn’t sound happy and was glaring fixedly at the wardrobe door, clearly trying to get Katie’s attention.

  ‘Jeez, I mean, I like a man to be a man,’ Katie mumbled as she paired the heel-less Louboutins. ‘I mean, what’s the point of your man acting like a pussy? I have a perfect pussy of my own, I don't need another one.’

  ‘Language, young lady! Lord bless us and save us,’ said mum, blessing herself all over again.

  ‘So what’s going to happen now?’ I asked. While I was completely horrified with the news from the Salon, I was also distracted by Katie holding up my Louboutins. I was just waiting for her to question the state they were in. Oh God. The next thing I know, this will be all over Facebook.

  ‘It’s all a bit of a mess. And it’s all been happening right under your nose,’ said Laura compassionately. ‘But now is certainly not the right day to talk about it.’

  I burst into floods of tears.

  ‘It’s all a mess. A great big mess; my life, my Salon, everything.’

  ‘Ah c’mon now pet,’ mum said, stepping forward and trying to comfort me. There was nothing she could do though. I was distraught.

  ‘Tara, can I borrow this?’ Katie came out the wardrobe holding up my silk Yves Saint Laurent shirt.

  ‘Yes… err, no. You can’t. Katie - please, not now!’ I screamed in a ferocious temper, reliving my last fateful evening with Travis at the Salon where I was wearing just that shirt. ‘I can’t breathe… I can’t breathe.’

  ‘Everybody out!’ ordered Laura. ‘Katie, get out of Tara’s wardrobe now. Go downstairs. Mum and Katie, OUT. NOW. Mum… MUM, your bacon’s burning. Breathe… Tara, take deep breaths… It’s okay. It’s okay.’

  ‘But, I’ve no bacon on yet pet…’ stammered mum, looking confused.

  ‘Then go and put some on!’ Laura snapped brutally.

  ‘Right so,’ said mum, turning back and looking at me with tears in her eyes.

  I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes, revelling in the silence now it was just the two of us. ‘Will this ever end, Laura?’ I asked.

  Laura tripped over the over-flowing ashtray on the floor as she came to perch on the side of the bed. ‘Do you want a cigarette?’ she asked with a smile, pushing it with her toe.

  I smiled weakly as she passed me my tea, ‘Love one.’

  ‘When was the last time you laughed, or smiled?’ Laura asked, getting up to close the bedroom door and open the windows.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I shrugged, sipping my tea.

  ‘Mum’s reading Fifty Shades of Grey,’ Laura grinned and scrunched her face up in disgust.

  We both threw back our heads and began to laugh. And it felt good, it really did.

  We talked for a while about nothing in particular. I know it was ‘what Laura did’ but I had to admit, she was feckin’ good at it. I really did feel much calmer. It was as though a thick mist was beginning to clear from my head.

  After a few more cups of tea and a pause for a bacon butty, Laura decided I was strong enough to start the next stage of my recovery. That is what I assumed anyway, because otherwise she would never have broached her next question.

  ‘Okay Tara, a breakdown doesn't just happen overnight,’ she began, looking searchingly at me. ‘There will have been a buildup. Can you recall a trigger?’

  I took a deep breath. Was I ready for this, I wondered?

  ‘Travis,’ I said at last, with a sigh and a shrug of my shoulders, ‘I ran into that baby girlfriend of his when I was on my way to win him back, wearing…’ I paused, hardly able to say the words, ‘that feckin’ fur coat. I sat holding a sick-bag for her on the plane. She’s barely out of school and she’s pregnant. All ripe and glowing with his sodding baby inside her! I thought I was pregnant too. Then, I found out at the same time that I’m not pregnant – but I’m in the shitting menopause! It’s all made me feel so… useless… old and redundant.’

  ‘But… do you really want a baby?’ asked Laura.

  ‘Well… that’s not the point!’ I added bitterly. ‘Actually yes. I do want a baby. It means everything to me. It would make me feel whole – complete – I suppose.’

  ‘Really?’ said Laura, cocking her head to one side, obviously trying to make me think about what I had just said.

  ‘Owh it’s too hard to explain, I don't want to talk about it,’ I said, beginning to feel the mists falling again.

  ‘Okay,’ said Laura.

  ‘Everyone leaves me in the end, Laura,’ I blurted out, shocking myself at my own admission.

  Laura remained silent. She just tilted her head to one side again. ‘Who is everyone?’ she asked quietly after some time.

  I remained silent.

  ‘Do you miss dad?’ she asked a few seconds later.

  I always got a stabbing pain in the pit of my stomach whenever I thought of dad.

  ‘Terribly,’ I finally answered, closing my eyes and picturing his face.

  ‘Why… why didn't you help me with him?’ I said, turning suddenly to face her. I felt such a rage erupt within me - I wanted to slap her.

  ‘You, mum and Katie left me to deal with dad on my own and I couldn't manage him with his illness and everything else. You,’ I added bitterly, ‘just had your nose stuck in books, ignoring the fact that our dad was sick.’

  ‘He was an alcoholic, Tara.’

  ‘But why… oh why, didn't you do something?’ I pleaded bitterly, almost spitting the question out.

  ‘Did you ever notice what books I had my nose ‘stuck in’ Tara?’

  ‘No, I wasn't interested. I was too busy looking out for dad!’ I glared at Laura angrily. ‘While you were reading shit, our dad was losing his mind.’

  Laura looked horrified.

  ‘I was… I was reading up on alcoholism and researching schizophrenia,’ her voice shook slightly. ‘I was convinced if I kept reading, I would find a cure for him. Don’t forget, I was hurting too…’

  For a moment, there was pure, undiluted silence between us.

  ‘I didn't know.’ I said, shaking my head, letting out a pain-filled sigh. ‘How could I have got that so wrong?’

  ‘It was my nerdy way of coping I guess,’ Laura added, pulling tissues out of her pocket.

  We both sniffed hard as she handed me a crumpled tissue. ‘I read every book that I could - most of which I didn't understand – but I just kept reading and reading in the hope of finding a cure for dad. I wanted to wake up one morning and be able to wave a magic wand and make our family… well, okay again. It wasn’t easy for any of us. I could never bring any of my friends back to the house like they could. I never knew what mood dad would be in from one day to the next.’

  ‘I had no idea.’ I said shaking my head.

  ‘We were very young - we weren’t expected to know what to do.’

  I nodded. She was right.

  Staring outside the window, I felt something shift inside of me.
I had carried that resentment towards Laura for years.

  ‘We were the children, he was the parent,’ Laura continued, her mind also now drifting back to those dark days. ‘You know, poor mum became so frightened of dad. She feared for her safety as he became more and more unpredictable. Can you imagine; the man you’ve been in love with all your life, suddenly starting to hear voices? Voices telling him that he was the chosen one? And he had an evil wife?’

  I just gulped hard and grabbed Laura’s hand tightly.

  ‘Poor mum… she had to deal with Katie, who was a young baby back then,’ Laura added empathically.

  ‘Hmm… she was a nightmare of a baby though,’ I recalled, ‘she was always attached to mum’s hip, howling.’

  ‘Why do you think that was?’ Laura asked, grabbing my other hand, searching my face for some sign I understood.

  ‘She was spoilt?’

  Laura shook her head and smiled pitifully at me.

  ‘Okay, let me put this another way. Katie was always crying, right? Do you think she was scared because her mammy and daddy were always fighting? We were at school when the worst was going on Tara. Katie had full view of the damage every day.’

  ‘I’ve never thought about it like that before… Oh God, poor Katie.’

  I felt suddenly ashamed and wanted to hold Katie to make her feel safe.

  ‘Mum was crying constantly, begging dad to get help,’ Laura continued, barely hearing my replies. Her eyes filled with tears.

  ‘Dad just carried on getting worse and accused mum of having affairs, making out he had detectives following her - sometimes worse than that. He even maintained that Katie wasn't his child. Can you imagine?’

  I was speechless. The pain in my chest gripped me further.

  ‘Mum had to leave, Tara. You didn't want to come, even though we all begged you. It broke mum’s heart leaving you behind. Don’t you remember the night we all left? I clearly remember saying that you should keep an eye on dad and I would keep an eye on mum and Katie. It wasn’t fair, I know, but the family was divided. It was divided by a terrible situation, not because we didn't love each other.’