Fur Coat No Knickers

by C. B. Martin

  Laura and I sobbed together for the first time. Our whole family had been caught in the crossfire of living a life with an alcoholic.

  ‘I know you didn't really understand this at the time and neither did I, but I understand it now and it’s so important that you understand it too. Mum really loved dad, Tara, but he wasn't well. Alcoholism is an illness. None of us got away without being damaged. My marriage failed, you’re an emotional wreck and Katie became an addict herself. None of us could help someone who didn't want to be helped.’ continued Laura knowingly.

  ‘Travis played a very large part in this recent episode, but I don’t think he was the sole trigger for where you ended up. If you want to fully recover, we need to dig a little deeper for a greater understanding. You don’t need mind-numbing pills, or a brood of perfect children, or some phony love-God to make you complete. You are already the most incredible woman. It is time you started to realise that and learn to love your crazy, funny self.’

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Over the following few months, Laura slowly pieced me back together. She was the epitome of patience, as I spent days and nights sobbing, screaming, shouting and working through many painful issues; from our dad, Travis and not being a mum; to being a boss, a friend, a sister and issues regarding my low self-esteem.

  In Laura's professional opinion, the key to my cure was to change how I perceived myself. I tried to tell her it was because I was wired up all wrong, but she wasn’t having any of it. Laura forced me (and I mean physically forced me) to go out for walks with her to build up my strength and get me out of the house. I was terrified at first, I often wondered if I would I ever be the same again. Would I ever feel normal? I’d forgotten what that felt like.

  But the world looked different now. I didn't know why. It just did.

  Laura was my lifeline as we slowly rebuilt what I had smashed apart. We spoke of our father on extremely deep levels, leaving out none of the pain, sadness or guilt. Together, as sisters, we bonded tightly for the first time. It was so painful for us both, yet we helped each other as Laura too found herself revealing issues that had lain unresolved.

  We drank tea until it was oozing out of our pores, as we chatted, laughed and cried.

  One of Laura’s biggest bugbears turned out to be my fixation on my looks. Apparently it was an indication of how negatively I felt about myself.

  ‘Let’s start with the fact that you have beautiful, piercing blue eyes and yet you wear coloured contact lenses. Why?’ She asked.

  I shrugged.

  ‘Okay, think about that one for a moment. Why do you cover your beautiful milky skin in orange muck that quite frankly makes you look silly?’

  Sometimes Laura was so annoying.

  ‘Laura, you’re meant to be helping me. Not making me feel even worse!’

  ‘I’m peeling back the layers. I’m trying to get to you, the real you. The real you is hidden, covered up. You are beautiful, but I know you can’t see it. You never have.’

  And, so the process went on.

  After she’d decided we’d made sufficient progress, Laura allowed Siobhan and James to come back into my life (and not a moment too soon). The pair of them had been bugging Laura almost daily to spend time with me and I think she finally relented as much for herself as for me.

  I felt a glimmer of excitement as I heard them both bounding up the stairs together, like a couple of children on Christmas morning.

  ‘Hey, you guys,’ shouted Laura after them both, ‘Try and keep it as calm and as light as possible, eh? She’s still quite fragile. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.’

  ‘No problem!’ they chorused, flinging the bedroom door open and bombing on top of my bed like a pair of naughty kids.

  ‘Hi,’ I said tearfully, hugging them both and doing my best to ignore their matching, fluffy fuchsia onesies, ‘it’s so damn good to see you!’

  ‘(Mmmwha, mmmwha, mmmwha) We’re just so glad you’re back with us!’ they said, smothering me in hugs and slobbering kisses.

  Then suddenly, in unison, they turned their backs on me. The backs of their onesies were both emblazoned with the words ‘Team Tara’ in day-glow yellow.

  ‘Team Tara!’ they both yelled.

  ‘We've had these printed in your honour,’ announced, James proudly.

  ‘We've got you one too!’ exclaimed Siobhan excitedly, jumping up and down shaking a huge plastic-bag in my direction.

  ‘And black sequined UGG slippers,’ interrupted James, jumping off the bed to do a few ballerina-style pirouettes to demonstrate. ‘Look how sparkly they are.’

  Then, with a wince he flung his slippered foot up and over his head.

  ‘You still look gorgeous,’ pouted James, as he returned to the bed, adjusting his crown jewels with watering eyes. ‘Being sexy never takes a day off.’

  Then, before I knew what was happening, the pair of them dragged me up and out of my bed, stripping me out of my old PJs and shimmying me into my ‘Team Tara’ fuchsia onesie along with the sequined slippers.

  ‘But Tara just got a whole lot sexier,’ Siobhan bellowed energetically.

  I couldn’t help myself. I felt instantly lifted.

  After they had both finished bouncing all over me, and the three of us did a quick ring-a-ring-a-rosey, I put my arms around the pair of them and sighed heavily before flopping breathlessly back down to the bed.

  ‘I’m sorry guys,’ I began tearfully, pulling them both down and closer to me. Our three heads now rested into each other’s.

  ‘For what?’ asked Siobhan.

  ‘For everything,’ I shrugged.

  ‘Nonsense,’ retorted James with a dismissive hand gesture, ‘anyway, you’re back now from, err… wherever you've been in your little head, and now you’re getting better. That’s all that matters.’

  ‘We love you,’ James said pouting, ‘we miss you. Glamma-Puss misses you too!’

  He kicked off his sequined slippers and snuggled down closer beside me.

  ‘We come baring more gifts,’ added Siobhan, bolting out of the bed.

  ‘Ta-dah! Wine. We bring wine!’

  ‘Shhh… don't let Laura hear you,’ I whispered urgently, while inadvertently licking my lips.

  Good old Siobhan, she even managed to produce three wine glasses from her bag.

  ‘Okay,’ mouthed Siobhan removing the cap, ‘it needs to breathe for a while, so I’ll just leave it for a bit.’

  She placed the wine and glasses on the table and tiptoed back into bed for another cuddle.

  ‘So, come on you guys, what’s been happening out there in your crazy worlds?’ I asked.

  ‘Well, I’ve been head-hunted,’ gloated Siobhan, flicking her ponytail at us both, ‘by a sexy wexy, crazy s-c-i-e-n-tist!’

  ‘I’m always getting head-hunted,’ snorted James, ‘it’s no big deal.’

  ‘Not that sort of head-hunted, ya big gobshite.’

  ‘Hush James,’ I giggled shaking my head at the pair of them, ‘let Siobhan speak. Carry on.’

  ‘But-I-wanna-tell-you-my-story,’ winged James in a whiney baby voice.

  ‘Soon, I may be packing me rucksack and setting off for the Arctic,’ she said whilst raising her hand up, indicating faraway shores. ‘I’ve adopted a baby polar bear and may go and see it.’

  ‘Oh!’ squealed James, ‘I’ve always wanted to adopt a chimpanzee. We would have matching diamante sunglasses and a vest top saying ‘we like monkey business’… I just never got around to it,’ mused James thoughtfully.

  ‘Err… okay,’ I said, sensing where this conversation was heading. Bless them both. I don't think I would ever be allowed to adopt a baby now with my medical history and notes. The thoughts of not ever having a baby broke the surface of my conscience a dozen times a day.

  ‘Well,’ sighed James clutching at his heart dramatically, ‘Christian finally got the job of his dreams. The ‘tea, coffee or me’ job.’

  ‘I’m lost, what does that mean?’ I a
sked, confused.

  ‘He’s a trolley dolly!’ spat James furiously, ‘I wanted to be a trolley dolly… but I didn't get the job… and he did. It’s not fair.’ He pouted and clicked his tongue.

  ‘But James, you’re my nail technician. You can’t leave Glamma-Puss.’

  ‘Well hurry up and open it back up then!’ James insisted.

  ‘I will, I promise… soon.’ I said, suddenly feeling a strong inner-resolve.

  ‘James,’ snapped Siobhan, ‘what the feck are you doing?’

  ‘Checking the wine is breathing darling. It’s not, so I’m giving it mouth to mouth resuscitation.’

  ‘Feck off with you, James.’

  ‘It’s delightful and plummy,’ commented James in laughter, hiding the bottle in-between his legs.

  I was laughing. Actually, really belly-laughing. It was something I never thought I would ever do again. It felt wonderful.

  ‘Tara,’ said Siobhan suddenly serious and trying to catch her breath, ‘I’ve got a letter for you. It’s from Katie; she came to see me before she went back to Dublin with your mammy.’

  ‘Okay,’ I said, puzzled. Taking the letter from her, I opened it and read it out loud;

  To my sister Tara (AKAhead nut case)

  By now I hope you are well on the way to feeling better. If you wanna do drugs in the future, come to me and I’ll get them sorted for you, but you have to share them. (Only joking).

  Mammy and Laura have told me that your baby oven has blown its fuse and over-heated itself and can’t be repaired.

  I’d just like to let you know… my oven is your oven. I have already discussed this situation with James. He’s offered to have a party in his designer pants. So between James and I, we can make you a sprog.

  Siobhan wants to be the birthing partner.

  Think about it. I love you.

  Katie x

  For a while I said nothing, I let the thoughts of what I had just read run through my head like cool water on a migraine.

  ‘You okay?’ they both asked in soft, comforting voices.

  My voice was constricted with joy. I grabbed both their hands in gratitude, injecting love into them.

  ‘To absent friends,’ sniffed Siobhan handing brimming glasses of wine to James and me and raising her own glass.

  ‘To Katie,’ I sobbed, shocked by her thoughtfulness and surprise offer of becoming a surrogate mother for me.

  ‘And Barry,’ toasted Siobhan, ‘may God forgive me for singeing his bollocks. May he be resting in plastic heaven.’

  ‘To Katie and Barry,’ we all cheered tearfully.

  Though Siobhan and James were exhausting, it was so good to see them both again. To be honest, I felt more energised by their visit than the endless hours I spent talking with Laura. Maybe I am being unfair here. I know Laura had done an awful lot to help my recovery. Feck, without her I’d still be gibbering in my bed, or worse.

  My reunion with Siobhan and James forced me to face up to what I was going to do about the Salon. As we talked about the various options, I realised how strongly I felt about the place. I was proud of it. I didn’t want to give it up.

  As if Laura hadn’t taken enough on her plate, she decided to take charge of a plan to get the Salon back up and running. That also meant taking charge of Siobhan and James who were both eager to get involved, but taking charge of those two wasn't for the faint-hearted. Laura was pretty good at it though. She held court with the two of them, pointing out random facts, figures and preaching about ‘synergising’. Neither Siobhan nor James questioned or dared to refuse Laura’s suggestions.

  My sister declared that our first mission was to get money coming in again, as I had not even managed to pay my mortgage, let alone the rent on the Salon or staff wages.

  It didn’t help that financially I was an absolute mess. I needed to raise cash (and fast).

  ‘Open a high-class brothel,’ James suggested, ‘you can be the Madame - actually, on second thoughts… Captain Laura can be the Madame. No one would dare mess with her. She could whip anyone into place with that tongue of hers. I can so see her as a dominatrix, tying up a man-slave to a bed and whipping his poor ass. Scary thought,’ shivered James.

  ‘I’ve got it!’ piped up Siobhan, slapping her thigh with excitement. ‘You can still sell your story, it’s not too late! Do a ‘kiss and tell’ on that gobshite Travis. Call it… Death at the Blarney Stone.’

  ‘I can’t do that,’ I said, speaking with conviction. ‘I wouldn't lower myself. Plus, I would have to re-live the whole poxy ordeal all over again. No, that’s definitely not the answer.’

  ‘Don't be a wuss, he deserves it,’ Siobhan assured me fluttering her hands excitedly. ‘The world needs to know what he did to you.’

  ‘Siobhan, I really don't want the world to know that he broke my heart and got a girl half my age pregnant.’

  ‘I don’t mean that bit. I mean the bit where he slithered his slippery finger in your tea-towel holder.’

  ‘NO WAY! Jesus,’ I huffed, hysteria beginning to bubble below the surface, ‘I would never be able to look anyone in the eye ever again!’

  In the end, I turned down most of their wackier ideas. I did, however, relent to selling some of my stuff, even that poisonous fur coat. Mum had done a fantastic invisible mend on the sleeve before she and Katie had gone back to Dublin. I let Siobhan open me up a new eBay account and do the listings for me:

  Seller: Gay-bay69

  For sale

  Dolce and Gabbana Mink Fur Coat

  As new, apart from left arm that has been sewn back into place, (easily unpicked though, if you wish to cut other arm off using this fine fur as a long, trendy gilet instead). Could also be used as a rug for shagging on in front of a cosy fire.

  Has been nearly touched by high profile celeb, who will remain anonymous for now.

  All offers will be considered.

  After that, Siobhan and James rummaged through my wardrobe, sourcing bits to sell. In no time at all they had amassed an impressive pile of my beautiful, once prized-handbags, designer clothes and even my jewellery. Everything was slapped on eBay and I really didn’t care one bit.

  Laura placed an advert on line asking for experienced staff to replace Jayde and Jackie. When I thought about the pair of them, it made me feel so sad. I missed Jackie and I missed the Jayde that I once knew. I still found it so shocking that Jayde would even consider having an affair with Jackie’s husband.

  Poor Jackie. Poor, poor Jackie. We’d both gone through similar situations in the recent past. Both our men had gone off with younger women. The thought sent shivers down my spine. Jackie had been with her husband since they were teenagers. How was she coping? I wished she would make contact.

  My mind wandered once more to Travis and his young, pregnant girlfriend. She would be due soon. My mouth filled with acidic vomit at the thought. Stop thinking like that, Tara, I chided myself. It’s over! You are better off without him. You’ve got lots of good things to look forward to.

  When the dreaded day of the interviews came, I have to confess I didn’t feel positive at all. I had to bring myself to face the busy outside world for the first time in months. The interviews were to be held at the Salon, because I couldn’t very well invite candidates to my sickbed. There were two positions to be filled; one to run and manage the hairdressing, the other to look after the beauty side.

  As I tried to work out what I should wear, I noticed the days where I obsessed about what I looked like, were long gone. I managed to get myself dressed in something other than a tracksuit to appease Laura, throwing on some skinny jeans, a dark blue sweater and some comfy old brown boots. I scraped what was left of my now-very-thin hair into a ponytail and applied a little mascara.

  Arriving at the Salon like greeting an old ghost. Memories flashed through my mind as I stood hesitating outside the front door. Eventually, after waiting respectfully for a few moments, Laura impatiently grabbed the keys and opened the door. She held the
door wide and motioned that I should go in. After taking a deep breath, I entered Glamma-Puss once again

  As the familiar sights and smells filled my head, my eyes flooded with tears. I trembled from head to toe as Laura held out her hand to encourage me further inside.

  ‘Tara, it’s okay. What you’re experiencing is just association,’ she said reassuringly. ‘It’s normal and it’s okay.’

  Slowly letting go of her hand, I walked around the Salon; taking in the old smells, remembering flashes of laughter, scenes of sadness and the place where I once stood allowing Travis to take advantage of me.

  My eyes travelled over to the staffroom where I once sat for hours having text-sex with Travis. Of course, I also spent more hours in there on edge and staring at the walls waiting for texts from him too. It all felt like a lifetime ago. The Salon was cold, lifeless even. There was dust and grime everywhere. It was as though someone had died in there. My heart and my head pounded with the memories.

  ‘Greetings, ladies!’ James chorused as he came bounding into the Salon. ‘How are you, Lady Laura?’ he enquired with a curtsey. ‘You okay, Tara, darling? Looks like you’ve seen a ghost. Shall I pop the kettle on?’

  The very fact James was here made everything feel better. Within moments, the music was playing, the kettle was boiling and it felt quite… dare I say, ‘normal’ (whatever that was).

  The roar of a motorbike outside interrupted my thoughts. James almost knocked me over as he dashed to the window to take a peek.

  ‘Oh my,’ James drooled, shaking his head from side to side whilst peeking through the Salon window, ‘utterly, slutterly gorgeous.’

  ‘Is she?’ I asked very nervously, hoping she wasn't that beautiful.

  ‘Not her. Him. I love, love, love a man in black skintight leathers. And look how he’s parked to the left. I wouldn’t mind getting my hands on his helmet.’

  ‘James, please come away from the window, you’re making me jumpy,’ I begged.