Fur Coat No Knickers

by C. B. Martin

  I know it’s forward of me but as my mum said, 'live for the moment' SO… I was wondering if I could take you for dinner in town next Thursday? Will have to be between 6 & 8 p.m if you're around, as I'll need my mum to drop me off and pick me up before she goes to bingo.

  Unless you are heading my way? I don’t mind if you want to pick me up? How about I let you choose where we go? Or, how about we all go to bingo together?

  I look forward to hearing from you!

  Larry

  No. 3:

  Hello

  Neville here, I’m 45. I’m an IT Support Manager from Norwich.

  I’m recently single after my wife left me for the decorator I hired to do our kitchen. He did a great job, but I don’t think I will be recommending him.

  I’m looking to make new friends and start dating again, so I wondered if you would like to come to mine for dinner one evening?

  Now the wife has gone and taken everything, (apart from our four children) money’s a little limited, but I’m sure you would love them all when you meet them.

  Honestly, I could probably do with a hand at bath time anyway! Sunday’s are homework days, but if I had a lady to help that would ease my life considerably. So if you're free let me know?

  Anyway, I will stop jabbering. Hopefully you'll reply and we can arrange a day.

  Anytime is good for me as I have a people carrier and can bring kids with me.

  Look forward to hearing from you.

  Neville

  It wasn’t a good start. After that disappointment, I scanned each email quickly. If it didn’t catch my eye immediately, it was deleted. Amongst the emails, there were just two that stood out. One from someone called Jack and another from a guy called Luke. James and I agreed they were the only two worth a response.

  Finally, alone in the staffroom, I began composing my reply emails.

  Dear Jack,

  I hope to find you well?

  [Delete.]

  Hey Jack,

  Thank you for looking at my profile…

  [Delete.]

  ‘FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!!!! I don’t know what the fuck to write! I just need a shag!’

  [Send.]

  ‘Shit!’ I hissed. ‘Shit! shit! shit!’ I had accidentally clicked the wrong button.

  I was just about to give up and throw myself in front of a bus, when I heard a pinging sound from the computer…

  ‘Your message cannot be sent as it contains explicit content.’

  ‘Oh, thank God!’ I flopped back in my chair, trying to regain my nerves. I started typing again with much more care. I sent a simple, carefree email to both Luke and Jack.

  My replies seemed to do the trick. After a lot of back-and-forth emailing, over a few days, I arranged dates with both of them. I was slightly put off by the fact Luke always took a lot longer to respond than his love rival - and, when he did email, his replies were always very short and sharp. I was wary of another Travis-type scenario, but Luke’s good looks kept him in the game (just).

  Jack was the first of the pair to ask for my mobile number. The email landed while I was working and James, being nosey, took charge and emailed him my number without even mentioning it to me. Within a few minutes, I received an email back from him, with his number on it and a promise of a phone call later that day. I was cross with James because I worried things were moving faster than I could cope with, but I was secretly pleased. If I was left to my own devices, I’m sure I would have dithered and delayed so much that by the time I met up with one of these guys - I’d have been ready for my care home.

  To prepare myself for the phone call, I went back through Jack’s emails, (after all, I didn’t want to confuse him with Luke and say something stupid). Jack’s picture was that of a very handsome and distinguished man. He was quite a few years older than me, but he did have a bit of a George Clooney look going on. His description stated he was 5ft 11, with brown eyes and hair with an athletic build. Under ‘Interests’ he’d put that he liked fine dining and was heavily into motor racing. Maybe I could do with someone a bit older and wiser, I thought, as I nervously waited for him to call me.

  A few hours later, he rang. I nervously cleared my throat and scuttled off to take the call in private, away from the giggles and screams of my excitable employees. Jack sounded incredibly posh. In fact, his voice sounded like that of royalty. To my surprise, I found his voice incredibly arousing, but also slightly intimidating. I giggled to myself - I really was watching my P’s and Q’s and putting on what Katie would call my ‘telephone voice’.

  After a long chat, Jack and I seemed to be getting on well. He asked if I’d like to meet up that weekend and I really couldn’t see why not. In fact, I felt almost ready to meet someone new after all.

  Yes, I still felt fragile on the inside - some days worse than others, but these days, sometimes an hour or two would pass before Travis even entered my head.

  I gave Jack my address, even though the website had said it wasn’t the wisest thing to do. He had insisted on picking me up (and quite frankly, I was enjoying the fact that a man was actually going out of his way for me).

  My nerves were shot to bits for the next few days and I couldn’t concentrate on anything. On more than one occasion, I keyed in a text to cancel our date, but at the last moment, I didn’t press send.

  I didn’t sleep at all the night before and on the morning of the date itself I was no good to anyone. I don’t think I had ever been so pleased to hear my front door open and a familiar banter as my two best friends crashed in.

  ‘We’re here!’ shouted Siobhan and James as they ran up the stairs after letting themselves in.

  ‘Come on, come on,’ I ushered. As they tumbled into the room they were greeted with the sight of me standing in the centre of the room in odd shoes, a skirt and a chunky jumper; all worn in a crumpled lump over a fitted dress. In my hand I held an assortment of other garments. ‘I don’t know what to wear and he’s picking me up in forty minutes!’

  ‘Right Tara - calm down,’ ordered James, sounding unusually focused. ‘Let’s start with that makeup.’

  ‘I’ve already done my makeup James,’ I faltered, ‘oh my God, do I look that bad? I threw the other clothes I was holding onto the floor.

  ‘Darling, I’m wearing more makeup than you,’ said James gently. ‘No worries, let’s just touch it up a bit. Well, a lot.’

  ‘I don’t want to go, I won’t be ready,’ I moaned sulkily. ‘I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to cancel.’

  ‘You will in yer arse!’ Siobhan said sternly, poking her head out from inside my wardrobe where she had been fumbling around for the past few minutes. ‘You’re going. I won’t hear anything different from you. Of course - if you really don’t want to go, can I take your place? I could do with a good shag.’

  ‘Now now, Siobhan,’ said James, sounding cross and shaking a large blusher brush at her. ‘That’s not helping.’

  ‘Ah sure, I’m only playing with you. Don’t worry, I’ll find you something to wear.’

  ‘I would go with the sexy, classy look,’ James advised with a knowing pout. ‘A long dress with a vicious slit up the side to show off some leg, and a nice bit of cleavage on display.’

  ‘Fuck that, you big fairy,’ snorted Siobhan. ‘We’re trying to get her some cock.’

  Siobhan stood back to observe a pile of clothes she’d dug out of my wardrobe. ‘I’m thinking mini-skirt… no - just a thick belt, stockings, suspenders and some nipple tassels if it is cold out like.’

  ‘Siobhan,’ interrupted James, ‘remember what Tara has just been through. If she’s going to go dressed like a hooker, she’s going like a high-class one. Isn’t that right, Tara?’

  ‘I think you should wear this one.’ Siobhan said, giving us both a raunchy look, ‘it’s feckin’ gorgeous.’

  The dress was one of my favourites; rich, deep, lilac satin to the knee, adorned with sequins, incredibly low cut, back and front, and very fitted. It was utterly sex
y, yet elegant at the same time. However, it was the sort of dress that required a lot of confidence and attitude to wear - and I felt that I was severely lacking in both.

  ‘James, what do you think?’ I asked, unsure, as I pulled the dress on and smoothed it down.

  ‘Wow,’ gasped James, looking genuinely impressed. ‘Perfect… Oh, your phone is ringing, I’ll get it for you… Hello?… Oh, she’s a little bit busy at the moment, can I take a message?… Ahh you’re early and you’re outside?… Okay, I’ll let her know.’

  ‘WHAT!? He’s outside? He’s here? Shit! He’s 15 minutes early!’ I said in a panic.

  ‘Feck this for a game of soldiers, I’m going out for a look!’ said Siobhan, making a run for the door.

  ‘Not without me you’re not!’ shouted James, as they both abandoned me. I watched them shoulder-to-shoulder, battling out of the bedroom door, each trying to get down the stairs first. It would have been funny if I wasn’t so sick with nerves.

  ‘Err… guys?… Well I guess I’m wearing this dress then,’ I said to the now empty room.

  After quickly smoothing down my hair, I threw some heels on, grabbed my pashmina and bag and nervously headed downstairs. I cautiously went over to the window and pulled the blinds apart. Horrified, I looked out to find Siobhan straddling the bonnet of his car. Meanwhile, James was leaning into his open car window, deep in conversation while simultaneously doing his trademark seductive hair flick.

  ‘SHIT!’ I shouted, quickly moving away from the window. The feckers! They’re supposed to be on my side. What on earth is he going to think of me?

  ‘Oh. My. God.’ Said James, looking rather flushed as he dramatically flung open the front door. ‘He’s gorgeous. He’s perfect. He’s driving an Aston. And I love him already. Sadly, I’ve already tested the waters and unfortunately he’s 100 % straight. Just thought I would check for you darling. Now go on - go on - get out there before Siobhan eats him alive.’

  A thought flashed across my mind that I wished it was Travis that was picking me up, but I quickly dismissed it. I knew it was time to move on. I didn’t have long to dwell on it because in the next second, part two of the comedy duo crashed through the door.

  ‘Feckin hell,’ Siobhan gasped, pulling her skirt down. ‘Go get him girl! He’s feckin’ ripe and ready for the picking that one. But keep off his bonnet it chafes like a bastard. Now remember; if you can’t be good… be good at it.’

  Taking one last look at me, Siobhan continued; ‘Come here to me - your best assets need a bit of plumping and pumping.’

  With that, Siobhan grabbed my boobs and hoisted them up and together before the duo shoved me out the door.

  The date with Jack was very pleasant. He was a perfect gentleman and really good company. His good looks even took my breath away and I will admit our good night kiss lingered slightly longer than it should have done. But, that was as far as it went. There was one big problem with Jack - he wasn’t Travis.

  ‘Laura is right - maybe I do need to wait a while,’ I said, looking at James and Siobhan as I nursed a coffee in the Salon. Bless them, I could tell they were trying to be on their best behaviour when all they really wanted to do was ask me if Jack and I had shagged.

  ‘But, you’re gonna see him again, right?’ wheedled James. ‘He is exceptionally gorgeous.’

  ‘I don’t know… he’s gone to Germany for a month on business,’ I said, with a shrug. ‘Maybe I should just leave the dating game for a while.’

  ‘Bloody nonsense,’ scoffed Siobhan. ‘You’ve got to throw your arse deeper into the dating game. Not literally of course, although I rather like a bit of back garden allotment tending meself.’

  ‘Siobhan! Can youplease stop bringing that up? I just want to forget all about that night.’

  ‘You’re just out of practise, you need to get back on the saddle. And fast!’ added Siobhan urgently.

  ‘A shag a day will keep the weeds at bay,’ chorused James, strutting around like a bloody peacock.

  ‘A-shag-with-a-stud-and-a-roll-in-the-mud,’ sang Siobhan in her lowest bass voice.

  ‘God, you two!’ I groaned, ‘I’m not some twenty-year-old, sex starved nymph!’

  ‘But having a few good rounds of some damn fine rodgering will help cure you,’ James said.

  ‘Yeah, just get in, sit down, hold on and shut up,’ stated Siobhan animatedly. ‘It’s easy - I do it all the time, yeah-baby-yeah,’ her voice now going all-American as she playfully grabbed James’ hips and began gyrating into his bum.

  ‘You need some good old sex-ercising - at least daily,’ shouted James, greeting Siobhan’s exaggerated sexual thrusts with a crazy howl and slapping her thigh as she pretended to mount him from behind.

  ‘Oh Gawd, but what if I start having a hot flush? That’s hardly attractive.’ I was putting any obstacle in the way I could think of.

  ‘Women don't have hot flushes,’ gasped James horrified. ‘They have power surges.’

  ‘Oh… James,’ I said, reaching over to give him a hug in-between his thrusting, ‘what a lovely way to put it. That’s so sweet.’

  ‘Anyway,’ added James clicking his tongue, ‘there’s nothing wrong with looking like a menopausal Barbie.’

  ‘Oh, thanks James… I think.’

  ‘You know, Tara, my mattress does get rather a lot of action - and if it could talk…’ sniggered James, ‘mine would be sick of me.’

  ‘If my mattress could talk… it would be mute,’ I confessed in a sulky tone.

  I have no idea how they persuaded me to do it, but in the end I was so fed up with their constant badgering that I agreed to try dates with at least five other men. They gave me a month to complete the challenge - we agreed that if it didn’t work out I’d either try Jack again or give it up for a while. If I agreed to their terms, they agreed to stop hounding me. It wasn’t a brilliant deal, but I could see it was the best I was going to get.

  The only problem was - even though I had a few dates lined up, setting up five in one month was chaos. In the end, I got so confused with all their names, ages and interests that I had no alternative but to set up a spreadsheet. It must have been my inner-schoolgirl, but I have to confess I rather enjoyed designing my colour-coded spreadsheet and filling in the details like a sticker book. Filling it in certainly helped me to get through the following month:

  TARA’S DATING SPREADSHEET

  Name

  Jack

  Age:

  55

  Height:

  5’11”

  Zinger/Minger:

  Zinger!

  Job:

  Racing Driver

  Overall rating:

  9/10

  Notes:

  Kissed like a dream, gave me goose bumps. Sadly, gone to Germany for a while.

  Name

  Charlie

  Age:

  39

  Height:

  3’2” (ish)

  Zinger/Minger:

  Minger

  Job:

  Oompa Loompa

  Overall rating:

  10/10 for his manor/castle, -10/10 for him.

  Notes:

  Despite the incredible abode, my imagination couldn’t bypass the lack of height and far-from-symmetrical face. Plus, our nether-regions wouldn’t fit together well… I have to stay true to myself, after all.

  Name

  Steve

  Age:

  36

  Height:

  5’11”

  Zinger/Minger:

  Zinger

  Job:

  Unknown

  Overall rating:

  2/10

  Notes:

  Gorgeous, but then pushed the pay terminal to me to pay for dinner. I thought he was joking and pushed it back to him. He pushed it back to me, the waiter got confused, so did I. I paid. Bastard.

  Name

  Zak

  Age:

  42 (allegedly)

  Height:

  6’1” (alleg
edly)

  Zinger/Minger:

  Zinger (based on his profile picture)

  Job:

  “Surgeon” (I doubt it)

  Overall rating:

  (Unknown)

  Notes:

  Cancelled on our first meeting – I gave him a gentle warning. I refuse to be mucked about. Now I’m even more desperate to meet this elusive gobshite.

  Name

  Troy

  Age:

  38

  Height:

  6’0”

  Zinger/Minger:

  Minger (in person)

  Job:

  Unknown. Probably on the dole though.

  Overall rating:

  -99/10

  Notes:

  Spent the evening discussing his 4 ex wives and 7 children. I yawned so much I got lockjaw several times.

  Name

  Omar

  Age:

  30

  Height:

  6’2”

  Zinger/Minger:

  Zinger

  Job:

  Porn Star

  Overall rating:

  1/10

  Notes:

  Arrived tanned and waxed within an inch of his life. Was buffed and wearing the tightest pair of skinny jeans (enhanced the lunchbox he was concealing in his pants). Date consisted of him detailing the “ins” and “outs” of his daily schedule… by that I mean the number of women he was “in” and “out” of on a daily basis. I have passed his number to James.