Fur Coat No Knickers

by C. B. Martin

  By the end of the month, I was still no clearer on the dating game. I hated to admit it, but it seemed like Laura might have actually been right. Those dates weren’t doing me any good either. I was definitely going back on a rollercoaster of emotions and started to feel wounded all over again.

  The dating game seemed too confusing. I felt myself becoming very agitated by all the weirdos. Then, there’s all that effort; getting ready with such high expectations, only to be very disappointed more often than not. I really didn't know what I was looking for, which didn't help. Deep down, I knew it was because Travis was still parked in the back seat of my head. I would never have admitted it to Laura, but I still had my moments where I emotionally unclipped his seat belt and bought him to the front of my mind. All I found myself doing was comparing the guys I had been on dates with to Travis.

  After dating my five agreed, I decided to give the internet dating malarkey a miss. I decided to contact Jack and tell him that I just wasn't ready. As I sat in the Salon reception trying to work out the best way to do it and whether dumping someone by text was just too cruel, Camilla wandered over.

  ‘You know, Tara, my brother’s really got the hot’s for you!’

  ‘That’s sweet,’ I smiled, trying not to sound too dismissive. Privately I thought that is all I need, a guy who swings between both ways. I mean, at his age, really you would think he would know by now.

  ‘Lewis has been dying to ask you out for a date, but I said it was too soon,’ Camilla pressed on, ‘I told him to wait - you know, well… after what had happened to you.’

  I looked up at her with a frown, wondering how to approach this one tactfully.

  ‘Look, Camilla, it is really sweet of you to try and match-make, but I just can’t do a complicated person right now. Your brother is utterly gorgeous, yes, but I want a man who likes women.’

  ‘But, you do think he’s cute though, right?’ Camilla looked confused.

  Oh God, where is this going? Did Lewis want to sample me to finally decide which he preferred, men or women?

  ‘He’s not stopped talking about you, since the day you hitched a lift on the back of his bike. Do you remember, that day you left your bag in the bank? He said it was like having a little angel wrapped around him.’

  ‘Really?’ I asked, casting my mind back to that day. It was quite a thrill sitting on that bike, come to think of it. ‘That’s so sweet, but I think he’s more suited to, err, James?’

  ‘Why James?’ Camilla was now looking even more baffled.

  I sighed hard. Didn't she even know her brother was gay? Was I going to be the one who would have to break the news to her? I hated giving bad news. It was almost worse than receiving bad news.

  ‘Tara, you don't think my brother’s a poof do you?’ she began, her mouth curling into a smile, which was followed by a roar of laughter. ‘He’s as straight as they come. Oh my God, that’s hilarious. Wait till I tell Lewis.’

  ‘But James said… James told me… he likes stroking furry… oh shit.’

  ‘That’s because he’s a vet!’ Camilla added, doubled up with laughter.

  ‘James, when you’re finished with your client, can I have a word, please?’ I called over my shoulder. Turning back to Camilla, I wanted the ground to swallow me up. ‘I’m really sorry Camilla, please don't tell him I thought that.’

  ‘Okay, I won’t tell him, but only on one condition. You have to go on a date with him!’

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  [Text from Mum]

  So I hear that Lewis is a dentist, can u ask him about my denture that keeps falling out? Well done anyway. So much better than a coach driver. Xx

  [Text from Laura]

  Have fun tomorrow. Just relax and be your lovely self x

  [Text from James]

  Please video him in action ;-) ;-) :-)

  [Text from Siobhan]

  Don't be having sex with him on the first date, wait till he asks for a threesome and call me, pronto!!

  The night before my date with Lewis, I began to get cold feet. I must have drafted at least 20 messages to cancel, but in the end I didn’t send any. I just couldn't. Perhaps I’ll feel better in the morning, I told myself.

  Leading up to the date, I was practically sick with nerves. I actually had to do some of Lickarse’s breathing exercises when I heard the roar of Lewis’ bike approaching my street. Come on, I warned myself as I straightened my t-shirt, pulled up my skinny jeans and opened the door.

  ‘Morning, Tara,’ said Lewis, removing his helmet, smoothing down his surfer-style, sun-kissed hair and pecking both of my cheeks.

  ‘Hey, Lewis,’ I said, breaking into a wide smile. Why on earth had I been feeling this way? He is so nice and so goddamn hot, standing there clad in full biker leathers. Phwar!

  ‘Ready for our little adventure then?’ he asked, handing me over a pair of leather trousers and a biker jacket.

  ‘Yes… I think so. Where is it we’re actually going again?’ I asked, desperately trying to sound enthusiastic, as I eyed the bike wear suspiciously.

  ‘It’s a surprise,’ he insisted.

  I suddenly became very hesitant about the entire date. In a moment of panic, I involuntarily began blurting, ‘Look… Lewis. I don’t know how to put this… but can we just be friends? It’s just that… well, I don’t know if I’m ready yet.’

  Lewis looked at me with his bright green eyes sparkling against his tanned face. ‘Ready for what exactly?’ he asked with an undeterred cheeky grin.

  I felt my face flush. Cocky sod, he knows exactly what I mean.

  ‘Ready for… well… I don’t know,’ I floundered. Actually, that’s a good point; what is it exactly I’m not ready for?

  ‘Shall we go then? Personally, I think you’ll have a great time. But, you’re under no obligation whatsoever to enjoy it. I won’t even ask for one of your beautiful smiles. Scout’s honour.’ he said, holding up three gloved fingers.

  ‘Hmm… Okay then. But do I really have to put this lot on?’ I questioned, cocking my nose up at the pile of leather in my arms. They felt so damn heavy. God knows if they will fit me. And doesn’t leather put at least ten pounds on your behind?

  ‘I just didn’t realise that we were going out on the bike. I thought we could…’ I stopped short, seeing the spark of disappointment in Lewis’ face. God, I’m such a miserable bitch.

  ‘I have a little picnic ready, with Champagne. It’s all in a cool-box on the bike waiting to go,’ Lewis said, having recovered. ‘It’ll be fun.’

  Before I could change my mind, I excused myself and ran upstairs to change into the leathers, leaving Lewis standing downstairs in the hallway. Privately, I was chiding myself. I knew I needed to make more of an effort. I’m sure part of the problem was that the leathers reminded me of my shameful experience with that poxy catsuit.

  ‘Err, Lewis…’ I shouted down the stairs. ‘How easy are these to get on? I mean, do I need talc or something?’

  ‘Err, no – I don’t think so. The guy in the shop said if they don’t fit you, we could return them for a different size. Are they too small?’

  Even if they were too small, there was no way on this earth I would admit it. Grim-faced, I slipped my jeans off and started to put the leather trousers on one foot at a time, wobbling off-balance. I fell into my bedside table, sending myself and a lamp flying to the floor with an almighty crash.

  ‘Tara! Are you okay?’ Lewis shouted, running up the stairs.

  ‘… I’m okay! Please don’t come up!’ I shrieked, horrified by the thought of him seeing me like this and with my trousers half on.

  Too late, there was Lewis standing in the doorway of my bedroom. I grabbed the leathers and held them tight against me, my hand held out like grounded traffic policewoman in a vain bid to stop him in his tracks.

  ‘Sorry – are you alright?!’ he asked, shielding his eyes from my modesty. ‘I thought… you might need a hand.’

  ‘Oh really?’ I laughed, pulling
my leathers on and heaving myself up from the floor. I playfully shooed Lewis down the stairs, both of us still laughing.

  ‘Tara,’ Lewis shouted back as he clattered down the stairs, ‘I know this is forward, but purple is most definitely your colour!’

  I laughed out loud as I firmly closed my bedroom door. Bloody cheek. My underwear is pink.

  … Underwear… Ann Summers… Bingo! I knew I’d seen Lewis before; he was the guy in the queue trying to buy underwear the day I got taken hostage in that gobbling catsuit! What a small world, I thought.

  Within moments of composing myself, we were roaring up my street on the back of Lewis’ Ducati.

  As I molded my body around Lewis and rested my helmet on his back, I suddenly realised I felt totally relaxed around this man; even though we’d only known each other a short time (and the fact we were on the back of a terrifying motorbike). Somehow, it just felt right.

  Before I knew it, we were thundering out of the city and swishing around corners on country roads. I closed my eyes tight and screamed at the adrenaline-fuelled, heady mixture of delight and fear rolled into one. After a while, Lewis signalled and turned off the road into a picturesque, lush, green field laden with bright red poppies.

  ‘Phew,’ I exhaled as I removed my helmet. After that incredible journey, I couldn't help but smile. Then I had a proper look at the breathtaking setting and smiled even more.

  ‘Wow!’ I shook my head in awe at just how amazing everything was right at that moment. I wondered if I would ever feel this good again. For a start, my heart was a long way from reaching its normal rhythm. Totally speechless, I clutched my chest.

  ‘It’s so good to see you smiling,’ said Lewis looking almost proud, ‘you have such a lovely smile.’

  Blushing, I caressed the warm leather seat of the gleaming motorbike. ‘I’ve got to get me one of these – it’s such a rush!’

  As Lewis unloaded the cool box from the bike and carefully laid things out on an old-fashioned picnic rug, I stood and took in the wonderful, calming views surrounding us. I suddenly felt weepy (not in an I’m-going-to kill-myself kind of weepy, but more of a today-I’m-glad-to-be-alive weepy).

  ‘Are you okay?’ asked Lewis gently. I suppressed my tears and turned to face him as he handed me a glass of Champagne. There was a look of concern etched over his face.

  ‘Yes, I’m fine,’ I nodded breathing in the country air, forcing a smile to make up for my soppiness. ‘It’s just so nice here. I can sometimes get a little emotional when I see things of beauty, sorry.’ I blabbed.

  Lewis politely ignored my moment of weakness and held out a bottle of water for himself.

  ‘You’re not drinking Champagne with me?’ I asked.

  ‘I don’t drink and drive,’ smiled Lewis as he knelt down and picked a poppy from the wild field, ‘and especially when I’m carrying such precious cargo.’

  ‘Well, you certainly score points for that corny line,’ I smirked, ‘I have to be honest with you, Lewis… I was going to cancel our date this morning… but now I’m so glad I didn't.’

  ‘Well, I’m glad you didn't either,’ he said, beaming. He then gently placed the beautiful red poppy into the side of my hair, pecked my nose and began quoting;

  ‘Just living is not enough… one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.’[– Hans Christian Andersen.]

  ‘Wow… that’s beautiful. It’s so true and so poignant right now.’

  Desperate to impress Lewis with an equally mind-blowing quote of my own; I stood, gormlessly, waiting for my brain to engage, looking up to the cloudless-sky for inspiration. Nope. Nothing up there. Bugger. Come on brain, engage, engage! I linked my hands behind my back (just as I had seen Laura do so often) and began pacing up and down in deep thought.

  ‘Sorry… It takes time to kick-start this thing,’ I said, tapping at my head with the empty Champagne glass. ‘It’s not that I’m not clever,’ I added, recalling one of Laura’s sessions with me, ‘it’s just… I’m more of a creative, rather than an academic person.’

  ‘That’s fine. Relax, please,’ insisted Lewis, smiling and rubbing my arm tenderly. ‘This isn't a competition.’

  I waved a finger in the air, indicating I had an impending brain wave. ‘Wait – I’ve got it!’ I squealed, causing Lewis to startle.

  Be prepared to be impressed, I thought, thanking God for sending this Eureka moment.

  ‘A woman carries her clothes, but it’s the shoe that carries the woman’ [–Christian Louboutin]

  Right back at you! I thought smugly.

  ‘See, that’s what I lov… err… what I like about you, Tara. You’re smart, but also cute and innocent. You’re… wonderful.’

  Lewis was beaming, not in a Christ-she’s-dim sort of way, but rather with a look of genuine affection. Laura may be a total lickarse, I thought, but she’d certainly done a fine job at getting my brain to engage.

  I smiled bashfully, fingering the delicate flower in my hair, almost swooning. I changed the subject to draw attention away from my reddening face.

  ‘Wow. There’s not another soul around for miles. It feels strange for a city girl like me. Mind you, I could get used to it; it’s just so calm.’ I said, taking in every drop of the freedom I felt. ‘Have you seen that gorgeous house over there? It’s huge! And with all this beautiful, quiet land around it. Can you think of a more idyllic setting for a home?’

  ‘Do you like it?’ Lewis asked, casually chugging on his bottle of water.

  ‘Who wouldn't?’ I asked rhetorically, still stunned by the beauty of the backdrop.

  ‘Good. Well, I’ve had that house for a few years now. I guess I must have been thinking ahead. I’d always thought it would be amazing to have my home and veterinary surgery here.’

  ‘…You own… all of this?’ I said, swinging around to face him. I needed to check whether he was just teasing me. I could tell by his face he wasn’t. Jesus. I was gob-smacked. ‘What, you even own those huge trees over there?’

  ‘Sure do,’ he smiled.

  I handed over my empty glass to be refilled. Maybe I did fancy him more than I realised. He had such a lovely outlook on life. I loved the wild freedom of the motorbike and the place he had picked for his home and surgery.

  Suddenly I eyed him with a whole different viewpoint. This was indeed a man to be taken seriously, very seriously. As a matter-of-fact, I could end up being a vet’s wife I thought. I wonder if he has letters after his name? Or before his name? Is he classed as a doctor? He must be, I thought, he’s a vet… But would I be able to use those letters or his title with my name? Would that then make me…

  ‘… Lewis,’ I began, as casually as possible, ‘your surname - is it the same as Camilla’s?’

  ‘Yeah, we’re both Copeland’s, why do you ask?’ Questioned Lewis, while tinkering with the strap of my helmet.

  ‘Nothing, I was just wondering.’

  Hmmm. Mrs. Tara Copeland. Mrs. Dr. Tara Copeland. Surely if we were to marry… I would get the Dr. title?

  Oh stop it! Here I go again. I mean, why bother staying grounded when I can manufacture yet another crazy dream in my mind. That’s the old Tara, raising her stupid ugly head. Clearly my brain matter was shrinking again.

  I must not think this way, I must not become obsessive. I must not be delusional. ‘Good, well done, I thought to myself, triumphantly. I’m at least recognising the signs of delusional behaviour. It’s all about the ‘Zen,’ I began humming to myself.

  ‘I was wrong this morning,’ said Lewis, interrupting my thoughts. ‘I shouldn't have come upstairs whilst you were changing. I don’t know what came over me; I just panicked because I thought you had hurt yourself.’

  ‘It’s okay,’ I blushed.

  ‘No. I was completely out of order. It’s been a while since, you know, I’ve been in the dating game.’ He said, finally placing my helmet down on the handlebars of his motorbike.

  ‘You’re forgiven - but don't do it again,’ I warn
ed, wagging my finger playfully.

  ‘Time is most definitely a great healer. I never thought I would get over my ex Fiancée.’ He announced, standing closer to me.

  ‘Fiancée?’ I stepped back, feeling a stab of jealousy coming out of nowhere. ‘I didn't know that you had been engaged.’ So that’s what he was doing in Ann Summers - buying her underwear.

  ‘Yeah,’ sighed Lewis with a slight nod, ‘I thought she was the one,’ he added, shrugging his shoulders. ‘I couldn't have been more wrong.’

  I certainly knew how that felt, as I reflected and considered my own emotional meltdown. Just the mere mention or thought of Travis and her, together with their baby, left a very bitter taste in my mouth.

  ‘I caught her in bed with my so-called “best buddy”’ he continued quietly.

  ‘Oh my god,’ I huffed shaking my head, ‘that’s just awful, losing your fiancée and your best friend. How on earth did you get through that?’ I asked, stroking his delicious, strong doctor’s hand and thinking maybetheBig-Man upstairs had been trying to pair us two together in Ann summers, even back then.

  ‘I got myself a new girl,’ he added, his face breaking into a grin. ‘The quickest way to get over someone is to get on top of someone else.’

  ‘Oh really?’ I snapped, tossing his disgusting hand away and feeling my emotional balance swaying low. Bloody bastard. I huffed under my breath as my stomach clenched in total disappointment. They’re all the same! And to think, just a few minutes ago I wanted to be his wife! No sir-ee, not-in-a-million - he’s a gobshite, just like all the rest. And, quite frankly, I didn't fancy putting my hand up a horses arse anyway, no matter how much the doctor’s gloves could stretch!

  ‘Her name’s Thumper and she’s over there…’ he added sharply, sensing my repulsion, while frantically pointing at his Ducati bike.