Love Me Before Dawn

by Lindsay McKenna

  Shep leaned over, watching her. “I owe you an apology,” he began quietly.

  Tess raised her thick lashes, meeting his lambent gray eyes. “Why?”

  “We haven’t really gotten a chance to talk about what happened up at Edwards.” He gently placed her head against his shoulder, his hand resting on her hair. “Something important happened up there, you know. And between the in-flight emergency and your having to get back to work, we didn’t have the time to discuss it.”

  Her heart began a slow pound. “A lot has happened in a short period of time,” she agreed, her voice barely above a whisper.

  “Yes,” he answered tentatively. “First things first, though. I should have let you explain why you were at my home, Tess. I was so damn mired in my own self-pity that seeing you was a hell of a shock.”

  “I know. But I didn’t have any other options at the time, Shep.”

  He squeezed her. “I realize that now, honey. I’m sorry I came roaring in throwing accusations. Instead of running, you turned to answer on all accounts. That took courage. Putting myself in your place, I don’t know if I could have done it. You must have known that I would be upset.”

  She placed a small kiss on his jaw. “Upset, angry, and confused,” she agreed. “But I had to come, Shep. I was beside myself all Sunday. Between those damn phone calls from reporters I tried your number so many times. I felt like I was trapped in circumstances beyond my control.” She gave him a rueful smile. “I don’t like things totally out of my control,” she admitted.

  “Makes two of us,” he answered, smiling. His expression became tender as he gazed into her upturned face. “But something more important happened last weekend. Something I had been wanting to tell you for the longest time, Tess.”

  She was pulled into the web of his simmering desire. Tess shivered inwardly, wildly aware of his body against her own. “I wasn’t ready before,” she said. “I had to put so many things into perspective, Shep.”

  “I understand that,” he whispered, leaning down, capturing her parted lips. His mouth moved with ease, testing, teasing, and finally eliciting a deep passion in return. Gradually he pulled away, studying her wordlessly. The music in the background softened the sound of their rapid heartbeats. He saw a shadow of worry deep in her sapphire eyes. Gently he cradled her chin in his hand. “What are you frightened of?” he inquired.

  “It will sound silly.”

  “Try me.”

  “You’ll probably laugh your head off.”

  Shep shook his head. “I’ll never laugh at anything you find scary, Tess. Now what is it?”

  She took a deep breath, leaning back against his warm, hard body. “I worry about your flying the B-1 the first time.”

  “It’s a well-designed plane, honey. Nothing will go wrong. Or, if it does, well handle it.”

  “Typical test pilot philosophy.”

  He smiled, enjoying the play of emotions across her readable face. “Yes, but my attitude is based on experience, Tess. I’ve been testing aircraft for three years now. And before that, I accrued thousands of hours in fighters and bombers. I’ve got an awful lot of experience in handling and effectively dealing with emergency situations aboard any sort of aircraft.”

  She searched his serious face. “You love flying, don’t you?”

  He inclined his head forward. “I live for it, honey.” That was only partially true, he realized. As much as he loved flying, he loved Tess even more. He wanted to blurt out all of his feelings to her. But he wasn’t sure that this was the right moment. He wasn’t sure about anything when it came to Tess, he realized in an agony of indecision.

  “Is that why you joined the Air Force?” she asked, interrupting his thoughts.

  “Yes,” he answered shortly, deciding the time for revelations was past.

  “You won’t be a test pilot forever. I know they move you on to other commands after five years or so.”

  He pursed his lips. “I know,” he answered slowly. “And that’s bothered me. I’ve thought about leaving the Air Force and joining an aeronautical company as a civilian test pilot at that time.”

  Tess felt a cloak of dread beginning to suffocate her. Suddenly, she was feeling trapped for no explicable reason. Her throat closed with tears as she again saw Shep’s crippled plane flying through the sky on only one engine. The fear was too real, too strangling. “Why couldn’t you feel you were contributing just as much from behind a desk, Shep? That way, you wouldn’t have to leave the Air Force. You have enough time to retire in another twelve years or so. You don’t want to throw that away, do you?”

  He gave her a strange, quizzical look. “Honey, I’ve found my niche in life,” he began earnestly. “Flying is my life. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but I can’t wait to sit in the cockpit of a plane again.”

  Her heart was aching painfully. Her blue eyes showed her hurt and confusion. “And—and you wouldn’t give that up for anything?”

  Shep cocked his head. “Give up my livelihood? That would be like my asking you to give up your career.”

  Pain twisted in her chest, and she forced herself out of his arms and to her feet. She looked down at him. “If—if I thought my career was going to interfere with other parts of my life, I would give it up.”

  “Wait a minute,” he said, rising. Gripping her arms he forced Tess to look up at him. “Where is all this leading? You’re asking a bunch of hypothetical questions, and I don’t see the reason behind them, Tess. No one is asking you to give up your job. I certainly haven’t. Nor would I. I feel like you’re casting about for something. What is it, honey?”

  Tess steadied her uneven breathing. Just the nearness of his male body sent her into a state of yearning she had never believed possible. Shep affected her so deeply, yet he had never said he loved her. Never said that he wanted anything more than a casual affair. Why should she feel so hurt that he didn’t understand the thrust of her questioning? She loved him desperately. She didn’t want to lose him. She had little experience with close relationships. What was happening? Was this the beginning of the end? Maybe she was inventing a dream of what might have been with Shep…. She stepped out of his grasp.

  “It’s late,” she heard herself say, “and I’m very tired, Shep. Thank you for a lovely dinner.”

  Shep stood there, analyzing her vulnerable face. He heard the pain in her voice, saw it in the azure intensity of her eyes. A sense of helplessness overcame him, and he dropped his hands from his hips. “Yeah, I guess it is late,” he mumbled, rolling down the cuffs of his shirt.

  As he buttoned up the dark blue jacket and put the flight cap on his head, he remained silent. His gray eyes were dark as he opened the door. “Look,” he began, “we’ve both had a long and trying day. Let me call you sometime this weekend.”

  “If you want.”

  Shep leaned down, placing a kiss on her unmoving lips. Lips that had been warm and yielding minutes before. He quelled the frustration he was feeling. As he drew away he murmured, “That’s something I want very much, Tess. Good night.”

  Chapter 14

  TESS HAD DRIVEN UP TO PALMDALE WITH DAN WILLIAMS. During the past week, as the date of the rollout drew near, she had become less talkative. Inwardly she remained in a state of anguish over her parting with Shep. He had called her that weekend, but they hadn’t seen each other since. Occasionally, Dan would ask what was wrong. Tess would murmur “nothing” and force herself to work until she forgot momentarily about Shep—about how much she loved him.

  Parking near the ramp area, Tess saw the huge crowd that had gathered for the rollout. Getting out of the car, she walked at Dan’s shoulder, trying to control the painful beat of her heart. Soon she would see Shep once again. Could she handle the confrontation? Her head said yes. Her heart simply wrenched with newfound pain.

  Tess saw the Air Force contingent up ahead and anxiously searched through the sea of faces and silver braid for Shep. Several test pilots were milling around the outer
perimeter of ranking military officers looking ill at ease with all the pomp and circumstance. Just as she reached the first step of the platform, a hand closed about her arm. Tess turned.

  Shep smiled down at her. It was a cool smile. He said only, “Come with me.” His fingers tightened slightly as he led her away from the crowd. Tess glanced up at him. He was wearing an olive green flight suit that had been adorned with all the official patches of the first B-1 test team. A blue flight cap sat at an angle on his head, his hair a dark contrast to the uniform and his bronzed skin. A shiver of dread went through her as Tess felt his eyes deliberately settle on her. He opened a small door leading to the main hangar, guiding her inside. Once there, he shut it, allowing his hands to rest easily on his slim hips.

  It was silent within the hangar. She glanced around, staring at the gleaming white B-1 standing there. She was torn between Shep’s grim expression and the intrinsic beauty of the bomber that rested thirty feet away from them. Her heart pounded strongly. Finding nothing to say on a personal level, she motioned toward the plane.

  “It’s beautiful.”

  Shep nodded. “Yes, it is.”

  Taking a steadying breath, Tess looked up at him. Words were useless as she met his gray eyes. A shudder ran through her.

  “Why have you avoided me this week, Tess?”

  She opened her mouth and then closed it, feeling close to tears. “I—”

  Shep placed his hand on her shoulder. “As soon as this rollout ceremony is completed, I want to talk with you.” His voice hardened slightly. “And I don’t care if it takes the rest of the day, Tess. Somehow, we got off track last Friday. I feel like a wedge has been driven between us and I don’t understand why.”

  The uncertainty in his husky voice released a backlog of tears. Tess reached up, shakily brushing them from her cheeks. “All right,” she murmured brokenly.

  He rested his other hand on her shoulder, studying her darkly. “Tess, I’ve been wracking my brain twenty-five hours a day trying to figure out your reactions.” His fingers tightened against her flesh. “I don’t know what I said to make you act so distant.” Frustration became evident in his tone. “We’ve gone through so much together.” His face lost the look of hardness as he searched her eyes. “Dammit,” he breathed thickly, “come here.”

  Her breath lodged in her throat as Shep pulled her into his arms, against the hard planes of his masculine body. Tess gave a small cry, throwing her arms around his neck, tilting her face upward to meet his descending mouth. It was a kiss that took her breath away. His mouth, so strong and yet gentle, forced her lips apart, coaxing her to take part in the celebration of their love for one another. Her brain screamed that it wasn’t love. Her heart spiraled upward on a crest of joy that left her weak with need of further contact with Shep in every way. Finally he withdrew.

  “Come on,” he urged, “let’s get back. Meet me over here afterward.”

  She nodded mutely, leaning heavily against his body for momentary support. The hunger in his eyes, the protective stance he had taken with her sent a new surge of hope through her heart. She loved him. Tess knew it more than ever. But Shep had never said those precious three words. Why? Why? Gripping her purse tightly, Tess followed him out the door into the brilliant sunlight.

  *

  The usual line of speakers came up to the microphone to comment on the momentous occasion. Tess noticed distractedly that Senator Diane Browning was present along with several other congressmen to see the B-1 rolled out of the hangar. At least a hundred reporters were jammed in to interview the important personages after the speeches were made. And the test pilots who were to fly the B-1 were among those questioned after the speech making was finished. The blinding lights of television cameras, the popping of flashbulbs and the shouted questions from the eager press all added to the confusion.

  Tess could not tear her gaze from Shep’s composed features as he and the other two Rockwell men fielded the barrage of questions. Because he was the only Air Force pilot among them, Shep stood out. The dark blue flight cap with the gold oak leaf denoting his rank rested on his head. She stood back, admiring the group. Each man had that same intense look about him. Were they all eagles in human form, she wondered? The head Rockwell test pilot, Dave Faulkner, was an ex-Air Force pilot. Would Shep follow in Dave’s footsteps? Being a test pilot in the military was a prestigious step upward in the ranking system. Only the best military pilots were chosen for the test pilot school. Many of those men went on to become high-ranking officers and sometimes generals. Tess smiled to herself. Shep didn’t care about being a general. All he wanted to do was fly.

  Finally Shep excused himself and walked through the thinning crowd toward her. Tess saw the grim determination in his eyes and wondered what had put it there. She had gone over to Dan earlier, explaining that she was taking the rest of the day off. If Dan was surprised, he didn’t show it. He had said only, “You deserve it. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

  Shep reached out, gripping her elbow, guiding her toward the hangar where all the official military and civilian cars were parked. “It’s past lunch,” he murmured, opening the door to his car for her. “Are you hungry?”

  She nodded. “Yes, I am.”

  He gave her a small smile. “Good. We’ll go over to my place and grab a bite to eat.”

  The coolness of the air conditioning in the car was a sharp contrast to the dry heat of the desert. Tess sat back, thankful for it. Shep occasionally glanced over at her as he drove them the twelve miles from Palmdale to Lancaster, but neither of them spoke.

  At his house Shep showed her into the kitchen. “I’m going to change into some civilian clothes,” he explained, walking down the carpeted hall. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

  Tess nervously chewed on her lower lip, seating herself at the kitchen table. Shep emerged ten minutes later in a pair of well-worn jeans and a short-sleeved beige shirt. It set off the darkness of his tan and the raw umber color of his hair.

  “Stay seated,” he said. Moving to the refrigerator, he drew out a bottle of wine, uncorking it. As he poured her a half a glass of the pale pink rosé he said, “You look tense.”

  Tess placed her purse on the table and fingered the stem of the cool glass. “I am. Why do I have this feeling of apprehension?”

  He rested his body against the counter, lazily swirling the contents of his glass. A gentle smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.”Because we’re going to clear the air,” he answered. “But let’s get some food first.”

  Half an hour later Shep laid out two salads of baby shrimp, raw vegetables, and sliced avocados. Over the meal he began the discussion she had been dreading.

  “You didn’t seem as enthusiastic as the other Rockwell people about the B-1 being rolled out,” he noted.

  “No? What was I supposed to do? Turn somersaults?”

  “Well, if my memory serves me correctly, I think I remember that your eyes used to light up whenever you mentioned the bomber. Now all I see is apathy. What happened? Has the responsibility they’ve piled on you made you less enthusiastic?”

  “No…not exactly,” she murmured, pushing her salad away. She took another sip of wine. It was the last of her second glass and the alcohol was beginning to tell.

  Sensing her reticence, he tried a different approach. “I don’t know about you, Tess,” he began softly, “but I thought our relationship was finally coming around after we spent the night together here.” He rested his arms on his well-muscled thighs, clasping his hands together. “I thought you had let go of your grief and your loss of Cy.” He shrugged. “Maybe, and more important, I was sure you’d gotten rid of that damn guilt you’ve carried with you since the first time I kissed you.” He searched her vulnerable face, frowning slightly. “Loving you was—is—a dream come true, honey.” He reached out, capturing her hand, squeezing it gently. “Ever since the first time I saw you, I had to know you, Tess. It was a hell of a lot more than just physical need too. Bu
t I’m not sure you knew that. I saw in you exactly what I needed in a woman, and I was content to wait until you had lived through your grief.” His frown deepened. “And I thought we’d finally made a breakthrough last week.”

  Tess stood, unable to bear his closeness one second longer. His voice was balm to her aching heart, soothing her tortured, fearful soul. His touch was electric, teasing and tantalizing. But she needed more; she needed his love. She walked a few feet away from him and then turned, meeting his gaze fully. “What do you want from me, Shep?” she asked, her voice tremulous.

  “You,” he answered simply.

  Tess’s lips parted, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “You had me,” she retorted.

  “What are you talking about?” he asked, rising.

  She curled her fists at her sides, her throat aching with hurt. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”

  “I wanted all of you, Tess. Not just in bed, for God’s sake. Is that what you thought all along? That I wanted a roll in the sack and that was it?”

  Her lower lip trembled, and she raised her chin stubbornly. “I don’t know what to think about your actions, Shep.”

  His eyes narrowed. “I told you before, Tess, I was interested in you from the first night I saw you. I made a mistake in kissing you there on the balcony. I’ve tried to rectify that mistake by giving you the time you needed to recover from Cy’s death. I’ve tried not to push you too far too fast.”

  “Oh, God, Shep!” she cried, tears streaking down her cheeks. “I’m not like a lot of other women. I don’t know how to play the normal games people play. I don’t know what you want from me. I feel so terribly unsure when I’m around you!” She turned away, burying her face in her hands. “I don’t want to play games with you,” she sobbed. “And I don’t want some stupid, casual affair. I can’t take it!”