Avoiding Mr Right

by Anita Heiss

  Shelley was Australian-born, but her parents were both from Brunei.

  'It's on the island of Borneo in South-East Asia. The official language is Malay.'

  'I'm from Coolangatta,' I told her. I didn't tell her about my mother's three husbands and that I'd never met my father – it seemed too far removed from Shelley's perfect family. I told her about Alice, Dannie and Liza, instead, and the dramas I had with them when I broke the news that I was moving to Melbourne.

  'Be prepared for more, Peta. I just ended a relationship with someone who was originally from Sydney, and he never let the childish discussions end if he could find someone to argue with about the two cities.'

  Shelley had been single for only a month after breaking up with her long-time boyfriend Josh – he just wouldn't grow up – and she wasn't in any great rush to meet someone new. Shelley was the only female stockbroker in her firm and had endured male chauvinism and sexist remarks every day for five years, so admitted that she had all but started to dislike men altogether.

  'It really was timely Mum and Dad went away because it meant I could have the warmth and security of my old room again. I feel like a bit of teenager.' She ate the last piece of squid and I was glad, I was totally full.

  'That's so nice. I feel like I've found a home too. See, I've got a lovely guy, James, in Sydney, and we're trying to do the long-distance thing for the next twelve months. Well, he's really trying more than me. I'm trying to learn to be independent in a new city. And I already feel good flying solo down here. We're kinda like two peas in a pod really, you and me, aren't we?'

  'Or, snow peas in a wok maybe,' Shelley said, and we both laughed. I liked her sense of humour.

  We dropped into the George on the way home and it was livelier than the last time I was there – every table full and the bar crammed. When it was my turn to buy a round, I got talking to the cute guy behind the bar. When Shelley came to find me, we kept chatting a bit longer and he gave us our drinks on the house.

  'He was into you,' Shelley said as we turned into our street, walking in the middle of the road.

  'I've got James in Sydney, remember? Anyway, he was a barman.'

  'What, so he's got a strike against him for being a barman?' Shelley sounded appalled, and stopped still in her tracks.

  'Pretty much.'

  'You're a snob, Peta. He seemed really intelligent and had interesting things to say about workplace reform and the union movement and he was a really up-beat guy.' We hadn't even had our first night in the same house and we were already having a fight about a guy that neither of us was interested in. I had to explain.

  'Of course he was intelligent and insightful, and generous, too, given he shouted us a drink. But I'm serious about not wanting to meet anyone this year. I'm technically in a relationship, and besides, I'm completely committed to doing my job the best I can and making my way up the departmental ladder, which means I can't have any distractions. But, if I were looking for a guy, to be honest it wouldn't be a barman I'd end up with. I don't expect a man to pay for me, but I'm not going to cover the costs of a guy who's studying and doing bar work to survive. I'm over it. Been there, done that.' I sounded like a bitch but it was true. I'd done the bar work gig myself when I was going through university, and those were the days when I had my most fun as a single girl. I couldn't imagine that a barman going to uni would be chatting up women with a view to a relationship. He'd be crazy if he was.

  'All right, hypothetically speaking, what about a barman as a one-night stand then?'

  'Well hypothetically speaking, when I was single, I had a three-date rule anyway, so it never could really be classified as a one-night stand, could it?'

  'Well if you just had sex once, then yes, it could. I'd classify that as a one-night stand.'

  'Then I guess I was a slut when I was single.' And we both cracked up.

  ♥

  The next morning I woke up in my new room, no kids at my face, no cat calling 'herrow' at my door, no Aunt shuffling around in her slippers and talking to herself. Light poured in through the windows and I heard the sounds of the birds in the big trees in the garden. The olive trees out the back made me laugh as I remembered my dream about Delphi.

  I knew Shelley would sleep late, because it was Sunday, so I didn't move. I just lay there and thought briefly about James and how we used to make love on Sunday morning and then go for a swim and brekky down Coogee beach. Then, as if he had ESP, he called me.

  'Babe, where are you? You didn't call yesterday.'

  'I know, I'm sorry, it was the biggest day. I'm in my new home already and it's a massive house in St Kilda, with a beautiful garden, and it's walking distance to just everything I want – bars, restaurants, cake shops, the sea, shopping and the tram. I love it.' I paused for breath, but not long enough for James to say anything. 'And my new flatmate Shelley is from Brunei and has the best taste in shoes, and she's funny, and likes a drink and we get on really well. I love it here.'

  'Sounds like you don't miss me at all.'

  'Awww, don't be like that. I'm supposed to be settling in and feeling safe and happy. I thought you'd be happy for me.'

  'Of course I'm happy for you. It's just that I'm sitting here waiting for the phone to ring and you're having a party of a life down there.'

  'Now you're being silly. I'm settling in. And don't sit by the phone, go out and have fun, catch up with your mates.'

  'I thought I'd visit next weekend.'

  'Oh right, well, I'll need to check that it's okay with Shelley, I mean I just moved in. I'll call you back later.' I wasn't sure how I felt about James visiting so soon. I felt like he was gatecrashing the chicks' slumber party. But I did miss him – and the sex.

  ten

  Painful piercings

  James arrived at Shelley's at ten am on Saturday; she was out shopping so we had the place to ourselves. I hadn't realised how much I'd missed him until I saw him and we kissed.

  We spent that day seeing my St Kilda. I wanted him to see the area the way I did, so he could understand how I loved being in Melbourne so much, and why I hadn't missed Sydney as much as everyone thought I would, including me. We walked along the pier and it was romantic; we held hands and laughed like we'd never been apart, like we were still a couple, like the couple he wanted us to be back in Sydney.

  'It's so great to be here with you, Peta.'

  'Mmmm, it's really good, eh?' I was truly content.

  'We can have all this again you know, when you come home. I've started looking at some places for us in the eastern suburbs near the sea. I know that's what you like. I love it there too.'

  'Why are you looking already? Twelve months, that was the deal.'

  'What deal? It wasn't a deal with me, it was a deal you made with the department. I miss you. I miss us.' He stopped and looked me in the face.

  'I miss you too, but I need this time alone to learn to fend for myself, to take care of myself. I need to know who I am before I come back.'

  'And by then you'll be ready for us again, right?'

  'Yes,' I said softly and as sincerely as I possibly could. I truly hoped that I would be ready for us by then.

  'And kids and a dog and big diamond, right?'

  Why did he have to go and ruin it?

  There was a long silence.

  'The water's really flat, isn't it?' James offered.

  'Yeah, it's a far cry from Bondi and Bronte and Maroubra, eh? I really miss the surf beaches back home.' He squeezed my hand tightly.

  'Yes babe, but they don't have piers to stroll down, do they?' Like me, he had begun making the trade-offs. Sydney had something, Melbourne had something else, but it was like measuring apples and oranges so there was just no point in even trying.

  'Let's take a photo and send it to Alice and Gary,' he suggested. I felt like he was trying to prove something to them – that we were as happy as they were. But I did it anyway because I wanted to please him.

  We watched lots of families ma
king their way along the promenade, kids in prams and on rollerblades, babies screaming, spoilt kids throwing themselves on the ground having tantrums.

  'That'll be us one day, sweetie,' James whispered in my ear.

  'You think so? Whiny kids make me want to get my tubes tied.' James looked deflated, and I knew I had to do some damage control. 'Anyway, I don't want to share you,' I said, cuddling into him until he smiled.

  We went to Chinatown for dinner, then to a bar called Eurotrash with a groovy red velvet Harem Lounge with chandeliers. James was too conservative to try the Red Light District for two because the bar was packed and everyone was watching who entered the confined porn booth.

  It was nice to be around so many straight men, which was rare in Sydney, so without even knowing it I was ordering drinks with a certain girly spark.

  'I'll have a Pimm's and lemonade, thanks,' I smiled cheekily.

  'This one's on the house, love, for being so pretty.'

  'Why thank you, sir, I do believe I might have to come back here.'

  'Can you stop flirting with everyone?' James said with gritted teeth.

  'What?'

  'You seem to take their flirting personally – they probably give every girl a free drink like that to make sure they do come back.'

  'I know that. What? Are you jealous?'

  'Of course I'm jealous. You live in another city, I don't see you for weeks and when I do you flirt with men in front of me. What's wrong with you?'

  What was wrong with me indeed? Maybe I was missing my single days and ways and Melbourne had made me realise that.

  'I think you need to make a choice between us and this new lifestyle you've got. You can stay here or you can come home and let me make you happy in Sydney.'

  'What? You're giving me an ultimatum? I'm already happy. My new job is making me happy. Haven't you heard a word I've said about my career and my goals?'

  'Don't you love me any more? Is that why you're really here?'

  And then I snapped. 'Of course I love you, as if I'd move states just to end a relationship!'

  'Well, you want to be careful, or you'll end up alone.'

  'Oh, for God's sake.' I put my glass on the bar. 'Let's go home.' I didn't have to ask twice.

  ♥

  It was icy-cold silence in the cab for most of the drive home until we took a sharp turn and I started playing corners, pushing right into James like I did with my sister Giselle in the car when we were kids. We both laughed and the ice broke. I started kissing his neck and told him I missed him. We made out like teenagers on the back seat, and I hoped the taxi driver wasn't getting off on my muffled moans.

  Shelley was still out when we arrived at Eildon Road and fumbled our way to my room.

  'What the—' I felt something metal in my mouth when I went down on him. 'You could've warned me!'

  'Oh, yeah, I wanted to surprise you.'

  'Well, you did. Why though?'

  'I thought that maybe you thought that I was too conservative for you, or that maybe it would turn you on or please you more.'

  'Why would you think mutilating your body by piercing your penis would please me or turn me on?'

  'I read somewhere that women got certain pleasure from piercings.'

  'Some women might. Did you also read that most women don't get any pleasure from straight sex at all?'

  'I'm sorry.'

  'There's no need to be sorry, and thank you for going to so much trouble and pain, but you really didn't have to. We're fine together, you and me. The best.'

  'I thought maybe it was me who turned you celibate.'

  'No-one turned me celibate. Anyway, how can I be celibate when I'm here with you? I'm faithful to you and celibate for myself. Does that make sense?'

  'Not at all, but as long as there's no-one else I'm cool.'

  'There's no-one else. Are we okay?'

  'All okay, my princess.'

  'Then can the princess and her prince go to sleep now, is that okay?'

  'That's okay.' I realised then that James truly loved me, and he just wanted to make me happy. My happiness was his happiness. Oh, how we could all live happily ever after if I wasn't so obviously emotionally flawed.

  I woke up about five am with my head resting in his groin. I was desperately dry but as I got up James yelled. My earring was caught on his piercing. Every time I moved it tugged on him.

  'I'm sorry,' I said, but I couldn't help laughing.

  'Don't move,' he said fearfully.

  'Okay.' And so I stayed still. 'So, now what?'

  'Just don't move,' he said determinedly.

  'I'm not moving.' I squealed with laughter again. 'But I can't stay like this all day. We're going to have to separate ourselves.'

  'Well, can't you do it? You're down there.'

  'I can't see anything, my head's side-on, and my hair's everywhere, and so is yours for that matter. Thought about waxing?' And I cracked up.

  'Oh, very funny. Let me see if I can get it.' He tried to find my ear through my hair but we both just got the giggles.

  'This is ridiculous. Hand me my phone – it's near the bed.'

  'What do you want your phone for?'

  'Just give it to me,' I ordered.

  'Not until you tell me what it's for.'

  'James, just give it to me or I'm going to sit up right now really quickly and rip your dick right off and wear it as an earring.' He handed me the phone immediately, as any smart-thinking guy would. I punched the keys, laughing to myself the whole time. There we both were, naked, and not joined at the hip as the saying generally went, but joined at the ear and penis. What a sight.

  I was embarrassed and nervous but there was no other option. What would my new housemate think, the one who'd only known me a week?

  'Shelley, it's me. Sorry . . . I know . . . In my room . . . Long story . . . Can you come in, please, I'm in a bind . . . Yes he is, but he's in a bind too . . . Just come in, please, and be warned, it's not pretty.' I put the phone down on the bed.

  'Are you mad? We're both naked.' James wasn't happy.

  'What choice do we have?'

  When Shelley entered the room she gasped loudly and put her hand over her eyes. 'I am so not interested in a threesome. Sylvia never said that was your thing. This situation really isn't going to work, sorry.' And she started to walk out.

  'No, no,' I called after her. 'I'm stuck, we're stuck.'

  'What? What do you mean?' And she tilted her head to the side trying to figure out how we could possibly be stuck.

  'Shelley, this is James. James, this is Shelley.' They both threw little embarrassed waves to each other. 'My earring is caught.'

  'On what?' she asked.

  'On his—' I paused, 'penis piercing.' She screwed up her face. 'We need you to uncatch us.'

  'Are you serious? I don't want to see his – you know – and I'm certainly not touching it. Sorry, James, no offence.'