Avoiding Mr Right

by Anita Heiss

  'None taken.' He had his hand over his eyes.

  'Shell, if you don't come and unhook us I'm going to yell out to you all day, and pee in this expensive ensemble that your parents love. Now please do it – I'll cook and clean for the next two weeks, I promise.'

  'Liar. I know you can't cook. And you're already supposed to be doing the cleaning and looking around this room I don't think you've been doing too much at all.'

  'Well, I'll buy all the wine and Pimm's, then.'

  Shelley walked over cautiously, mumbling, 'I must be freaking insane. I'm putting the rent up now – I need danger money living with you.'

  When Shelley left the room holding in her laughter, I crawled up the bed. For some bizarre reason we were both suddenly horny as hell and all over each other, like my roommate was some crazy aphrodisiac.

  I lay back and James went down on me. I was still thinking about what we were going to do about our relationship, and how I should probably just break up with him properly and completely, because I was almost certain that I was never going to be the wife and mother he wanted me to be. Having sex with him then made me feel like the jerk guy who has sex with a girl knowing she loves him even though he doesn't want the commitment. I felt guilty, but I couldn't bring myself to stop James. He seemed to be having a good time, and so was I, for that matter. I decided I should show him due respect and let him finish the job before we started talking about our future, or lack thereof.

  James left on Sunday evening and I cried at the airport. Things between us were still uncertain, but I wasn't interested in being with anyone else while I was in Melbourne and nor was he in Sydney, so we agreed that we would just keep going the way we were going and would wait until we were living in the same city again to see what we would do. Well, that's what I agreed.

  eleven

  Toorak and tramlines

  As the weeks passed, Shelley and I were like two snow peas in a wok, just as she'd predicted. I was loving food and drinks and cakes and the garden and living in St Kilda. Occasionally cousin Joe would drop by, whether I was home or not, and leave a sampling of his latest creation, which Shelley and I both appreciated. I wasn't that homesick because my family, Sylvia and Shelley had filled the void that Alice, Dannie and Liza had left. The difference with Shelley was that I wasn't squeezed in around the boyfriends. And likewise, I didn't have to check James's schedule to see when it was okay for me to hang out with friends. I was truly happy with my lot.

  Towards the end of summer, Shelley took me by tram to Toorak Road and we spent the day drinking coffee and shopping. I never drank much coffee in Sydney, but it was a very Melbourne thing to do and it helped me get over the ciggies much easier, going from one addiction to another. I was down to having just the occasional social one and it was much easier of a night because Shelley wouldn't allow smoking in the house at all. Moving to Melbourne was a great detox of sorts, except that I was still drinking. On that front some might suggest I was re-toxing since I moved to St Kilda.

  Sylvia had introduced me to soy milk, so I was enjoying soyaccinos, lattes and so on. As we sat and drank our coffees I spent the entire time with my mouth open, just watching all the men around Toorak Road. They got off trams, they were having coffees, and they were going into bookstores and clothes shops. They made me smile, and some of them smiled back. It was like a little hetero Mardi Gras just for me, and I loved it.

  We strolled down the street and I was in awe of the space, the people, the energy, the sheer difference to Sydney. We went into a small boutique and I tried on a dress.

  'Nice legs,' a guy said as he sat outside the change room.

  'Oh,' I responded awkwardly. He was there with a woman and I had visions of getting bitch slapped then and there in this groovy little boutique in Toorak Road. 'I don't know how your girlfriend would feel about you saying that to a strange woman.' I knew exactly how James would feel about it.

  'Oh, I'm his sister and he does it all the time. Generally, I just feel embarrassed, so apologies for my cheeky brother.' I looked sympathetically at her, cheekily at him, and hid in the change room until they were both gone.

  'Gees, men are all over you,' Shelley said as I paid for the dress.

  'Perhaps they know I'm from outta town and are just being nice.' Then I had a brainwave. 'Or perhaps they can sense that I'm celibate and they feel sorry for me.'

  'Don't be ridiculous. They like the look of you.'

  'I love Melbourne, Shelley, and before all my girlfriends got married up they would've loved it here, too.'

  'Pity you're avoiding men.' Shelley nodded in the direction of a guy across the road leaning in a doorway, just waiting to be lured somewhere naughty.

  'No it's not. I didn't get this much attention when I actually wanted a bloke. I'm having more fun not wanting one.'

  'Here's my favourite shop,' Shelley said. 'A local designer, and the clothes are cut really well.' An hour later we walked out loaded up with clothes and bags and shoes Shelley would hardly ever wear. When she wasn't at work she only ever wore thongs.

  I took a photo of us both on my phone and texted the girls:

  Hi – Sat morn on Toorak Rd shoppin. You? Luv ya, Px

  I knew Shelley must've made a packet working as a stockbroker. And the day's shopping was evidence that neither of us was paying enough rent.

  'We really should be heading home,' Shelley said, trying to convince herself and me that she was done shopping, 'but I need to show you this one last shop called Shag.'

  'Shag the shop – I like it, especially as it's the only shag I'm going to get while I'm here. Where is it?' Shelley laughed and grabbed my arm, dragging me round the corner into Chapel Street.

  'Here we are,' she soon announced and pushed me in the door.

  I spotted a coat I loved immediately and put it on.

  'What do you think?' I said, doing a bit of a catwalk turn.

  'It's pink!' Shelley screwed her face up like it was fluoro, when I thought it was a classy deep rose.

  'Actually, it's watermelon,' the sales assistant said, 'and the buttons are original.'

  'Yeah, it's watermelon!' I reiterated to Shelley, who was a proud member of the all-black drab Melbourne mass.

  'And now it's time to go. Let's get a cab,' Shelley said. 'I can't carry all this on the tram then home from the stop.'

  'No arguments from me, Imelda.'

  We jaywalked across the road and I spotted a cyclist coming towards us. He was grinning and slowing down, as if to say 'hello'. He went to tip his helmet like a man would do with his hat in the past, in the days of The Sullivans or something. I giggled like a schoolgirl and he said 'Ladies' and beamed at us until his wheels got caught in the tram tracks and he toppled off his bike. I threw my bags at Shelley and ran over to him.

  'Are you okay?' I felt responsible for the spill.

  'That'll teach me to perve on a beautiful woman, won't it?'

  'I guess so – where is the bitch?' We both laughed as I helped him to his feet.

  'Thanks, my name's Allen, and you're Rachel Berger, right?'

  'Actually no, I'm not. I'm Peta, and I'm avoiding men, Mr Allen, so if you'll excuse me.' I walked off and just left him there in his tight, tight bike shorts with his grazed knee and no doubt bruised ego. I hailed a cab and dragged Shelley in.

  'You're an idiot, Peta. The man just falls off his bike for you on a main road in the middle of the day, and you can't even tell him your name.'

  'He actually fell off his bike for Rachel Berger, not me. And even if it were for me, I didn't see the point in continuing any conversation. How long do you think I'll be celibate if I give my name and number to every cute guy I meet in Melbourne? They're fucken everywhere, like a bogong moth plague, except sexier and tastier.'

  'You're an idiot.'

  'Would you like to go somewhere, or did you just jump in for the aircon, ladies?' the driver said, winking at us both hot and sweaty in the back seat. We hadn't told him where we were going.


  'St Kilda, thank you. Eildon Road,' Shelley said, slightly exasperated. All the shopping had worn her out.

  'I'm not an idiot,' I said in a low voice, 'I'm just in control of my life for the first time in years, maybe ever. And I'm not here to play with men, Shelley, remember, and I need to be faithful to James. We haven't actually broken up. So technically, I shouldn't be flirting with other men anyway. And if I were, they'd have to do something more outrageous than fall off their bike for me. Like step in front of a tram or something.'

  'You're an idiot and a bitch,' she joked, and shoved some of her shopping bags into my lap.

  'Yes I am. Thank you very much.'

  The taxi driver started to laugh.

  'What's so funny?' Shelley asked him with a giggle.

  'You young girls are funny. Whatever happened to a man just being a hopeless romantic, soft and sensitive?'

  'Romantic, soft and sensitive is good. We like that. We also like clowns on bikes,' I said.

  'So, if I was soft and sensitive and romantic, and showed up at the door with flowers, you'd go out with me?' he said, looking at me in the rear-view mirror. Shelley pinched me on the thigh.

  'Well, I have soft and sensitive at home, and he can be a clown too. But it's about more than that, isn't it? It's about shared values and dreams and—'

  'Just here on the left thanks, driver. I'll get it, Rachel,' Shelley said, giving me the eye to get out of the cab, and so I did.

  ♥

  Shelley had Skype installed on her computer – along with every other program known to mankind – and showed me how to set up my own account. I knew Dannie was on it regularly because it was free and her kids could talk to their friends and grandparents as often as they wanted to, so I thought I'd try Skyping her first.

  'Hey, this is so cool,' I said as I watched Dannie on the screen trying to talk to me and shooing away her kids at the same time.

  'Yes, much better than just talking on the phone, but as you can see I have absolutely no privacy whatsoever with this set-up. How's it going your end?'

  'All great. Love my house, look . . . ' and I turned the computer screen around the room so Dannie could see how lovely and homely it was. Shelley was on the couch and just waved. 'That's Shelley, my landlady, I'm sure you'll meet sometime down the track.' At that Shelley got up and mimed, 'I'll give you some privacy,' and left the room.

  'So, are you missing James heaps?'

  'I've been really busy, but yes, I guess you could say I'm missing him an adequate amount.'

  'You sound like a bloody politician, choosing your words carefully like that. So,' she whispered, 'how's the celibacy thing going?'

  'Piece of cake really, and when I want some, I actually go and have a piece of cake, down on Acland Street.' I didn't really want to talk about it.

  'Is James going to be celibate as well?' Dannie pressed.

  'To be honest, I don't care if he's not. This isn't about him, it's about me. Anyway, can you expect a man to go without sex for months on end, if he has it on offer elsewhere?'

  'Yes, of course. I'd expect George to go without sex if I wasn't around for whatever reason. Anyway George is pretty much celibate as it is and we sleep in the same bed.' She laughed.

  'Why bother getting married if you're not going to have sex every day at least? I thought getting married was about not having to look for sex any more.'

  'Marriage isn't about sex.' Dannie tut-tutted me like I was a child and looked around to make sure the kids couldn't hear her.

  'Obviously not. Anyway, you're lying, Dannie. Aren't you and George trying to have a baby? You're not Mary Immaculate, so I'm guessing you're having sex – oh sorry, when you're married, it's making lurrrrv, isn't it?'

  'You're so childish sometimes. And yes, we're kind of trying.'

  'What the hell does that mean? Kind of trying. Does he say, "Can I kind of put my penis in you tonight love and maybe kind of get you pregnant?" You know, like when you're teenagers and the boy says, "If it doesn't go all the way, it's not really sex"?'

  'Sssshhhhh, the kids will hear you.' Dannie looked around nervously and covered the computer screen with her body, as if blocking my face might drown out the sound. She was right about a lack of privacy, and not even being able to have a grown-up conversation with her kids around. But she started it, so she was going to finish it.

  'Well?' It was my turn to be pushy.

  'Oh all right.' She leaned in as close as she could to the screen and whispered, 'We tried recently when we both had too much champagne at my sister's wedding and both of us got nostalgic. But we're not having endless nights of passion, if that's what you're thinking. When you get married you can measure your passion in minutes, trust me.'

  I wanted to say, And there's another reason not to get married – because it was a passion killer – but I wasn't game. At least James and I had sex every time we saw each other.

  When I'd told the girls I was planning to be celibate while I was down in Melbourne they'd shrieked so loud it startled the kitchen staff at Sauce, who came running out with utensils and wet hands and looks of horror on their faces.

  'What's wrong?' Andy had asked.

  'Oh nothing, everything's fine,' Liza told him. 'Peta has just taken a twelve-month vow of celibacy, that's all.'

  'That's a waste of a good woman, I'd say.' He winked at me and walked off.

  'What are you talking about, celibate. Celibate my arse.' Alice had laughed so hard she'd nearly pissed herself.

  'Muuuuuummmmmmm . . .' I heard a cry on Dannie's side of the screen. I watched her push her chair back and yell like I'd never have imagined her do, 'I'm coming upstairs in five minutes and you two better have your homework done.' She looked back at me. 'I've gotta go, but keep in touch, okay? We all miss you. If you're not busy, let's have a Skype session on Friday with Alice and Liza too – it'll be fun.'

  'Sure thing, catch you then. Now go and do their homework for them.'

  We logged out and I just sat staring at the screen for a moment. Now that I lived in Melbourne, Dannie and I seemed to be closer than we ever had been while I was in Sydney – communicating via text and email had somehow helped us to understand each other.

  I thought about never having privacy when you had children, and how marriage was almost a form of celibacy anyway. Neither commitment was at all attractive to me at that moment.

  twelve

  Lesbians, lattes and La Rambla

  Hey Peta – what's news? Missed you on the Skype session on Friday. You would've loved it. Dannie told us about the planning committee for the school fete (yawn) and as usual Liza wouldn't tell us anything about any cases at the ALS – it's not like we'd tell anyone. We all miss you, and we're planning our visit to Melbourne, but the way we're going it won't be till you're ready to come home. When are you in Sydney next? And when are you going to call Josie? She keeps asking me when you're going to hook up. Okay, don't panic now, I didn't mean 'hook up', I meant catch up. She knows you're straight and married up. BTW, James is missing you heaps. Calls all the time. Missing his weekend visits to Coogee too. He's looking for property, but you'd know that, eh? Will be great when you're back and we can all hang out again. Speak soon, love Alice xoxoxoxoxo Gary says 'G'day' too! x

  It was the end of March already. I'd been so busy at work during the week I hadn't found time to sit down to check my hotmail account until Saturday morning. I'd forgotten all about the planned Skype session the night before. I decided to call Josie straight away so I could at least tell Alice that we'd made plans.