Skin Deep

by Daniels, A. J.

  Adam said she was imagining things, even after being confronted with the lipstick stain on his shirt. He said if she really believed that there was another woman then she was as stupid as she looked. After his rant, he summed it all up with, “And what if I was seeing someone else? You need me more than I need you.”

  “Are you? Adam, are you seeing someone else?”

  “Jesus fucking Christ, Ashley!” Adam’s voice gets louder with each sentence. “You really think I have enough time to fuck someone else? What am I? Fucking Superman? I work my ass off to provide for you and this is the thanks I get?”

  When he’d finished yelling he stormed out of the apartment, coming back several hours later smelling like bourbon, saying how sorry he was.

  He didn’t know what’d happened and he swore he’d never hit her again. He said he loved her, and she believed him. Every second day since has been a repeat of that night; he would come home smelling like bourbon and another woman’s perfume. She would ask him about it or refuse to sleep with him, and he would discipline her with his fists. It was an ugly reminder of just how far she’d go to keep the emotional pain at bay. Every hit, every kick was just another reminder of how weak she was.

  “Adam,” Kat says in frustration, bringing her back to reality, “Did Adam do that?”

  “No, he didn’t. I fell down some stairs at the university.” She winces internally at her lame excuse for a lie.

  “I call bullshit, Ashley.”

  “What do you want, Kat? You want me to say I screwed up? That I screwed up so badly I made him hit me?”

  “Ash, you didn’t make him hit you!” Kat raises her voice.

  “Yes, I did. I accused him of cheating again, and he got so mad he went to the bar and drank bourbon until two a.m. When he came home I wouldn’t stop with all the questions. I know how he is when he drinks.” She raises her voice too. “I fucking knew! But I still made him angry. I deserved it.” She looks around the nearly empty restaurant, and her shoulders sink in relief when nobody turns around to stare.

  “Jesus, Ashley, do you know how ridiculous that sounds? First, he makes you feel guilty when you want to hang out with your family and friends so you stopped coming out. You don’t even talk to your mom anymore, Ashley. You two used to be so close.” Sadness invades Kat’s eyes. “Then he insists you shouldn’t drive to campus by yourself. Now he drops you off and picks you up. That’s if you even make it to campus. You can’t even go out without him. Honestly, I’m surprised he isn’t here right now.”

  “Kat—”

  “The only thing you’re allowed to do is work at the library, and God knows what he’s doing while you’re at work. And now this?” Kat falls back against the booth, all the while keeping her eyes focused on hers. “It’s got to stop, Ash. You have to leave.” She sighs.

  Ashley shakes her head. “I can’t leave.”

  “Why not?”

  “I deserved what he did, and if I did leave he would just track me down and bring me back. He’s told me before that if I try to leave he’ll make sure I never do it again.”

  “My roommate’s moving out this week, and I haven’t been able to find anyone to replace her yet. You could move into my apartment. It’s a secure building, you need a code to get in.” Kat leans forward and takes one of Ashley’s hands in hers. “You do not deserve this. Don’t think for a second you do, okay?”

  “Okay,” she whispers.

  “Good, so you’ll move into my place this week.”

  “No, Kat. I can’t leave him. He’ll find me.” Her eyes burn with unshed tears, but she tries her damnedest to hold them back. She knows she can survive this. All she has to do is keep Adam happy enough so he won’t hit her again.

  “Okay, Alice and I sort of came up with a plan in case this ever happened.” Kat sighs in defeat, letting go of Ashley’s hand. “Don’t be mad.”

  “What plan?”

  “If at any point you decide enough is enough, no matter what time is it, you send us a group message asking to meet you at our spot.”

  “Our spot? The park?”

  Kat nods, “We’ll both be there by the time you arrive and we’ll get you out of town. Adam will never know where you went.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank us. We’re your best friends, Ash. We just can’t stand the thought of what that monster’s doing to you.”

  Ashley changes the subject and the two of them finish their second round of bellinis before Kat drops her off at the apartment she shares with Adam.

  …

  At three a.m., she scrambles out of bed when she hears glass bottles crashing to the floor and a loud curse. Her stomach sinks with the realization that Adam might’ve been with that woman, in her bed, when he should’ve been here in their bed.

  As soon as she pulls open the bedroom door her nose crinkles at the familiar smell of another woman’s perfume mixed with the sour stench of bourbon.

  “Adam?” she calls into the dark.

  “What the fuck do you want?” he spits out from the dining room.

  “Where were you?” She turns to the wall by her side and flips on the light switch.

  The sight of Adam should shock her when she turns back to face him but, sadly, it doesn’t. He’s leaning over the dining room table and the vase that once stood tall on the table holding a dozen long-stemmed, red roses is now laying in shattered pieces on the hardwood floor.

  His hair is a mess, his clothes are wrinkled, and his shirt is buttoned up all wrong.

  “Out.”

  “Out? Out where?” She’s playing with fire right now.

  “Jesus Christ, Ashley!” He stands up, swiping his arm across the top of table, sending a number beer bottles crashing to the floor, joining the vase.

  Adam stalks toward her until they’re standing toe to toe, and she can feel his breath against her cheek. “It’s none of your fucking business where I’ve been,” he growls.

  She tries to take a step back, but he grabs around her neck and pulls her against him so their bodies are flush. “Now, are we going to finish where we left off this afternoon?”

  She tries to push against his chest but it’s like pushing against a brick wall, “No.”

  “No?” he hisses in her face, tightening his grip around her neck. “You don’t ever say no to me, Ashley. I’m all you have, bitch.”

  “I’m not sleeping with you while you smell like another woman, Adam.”

  Adam’s grip loosens momentarily in shock, but she takes the opportunity to get out of his grasp. He doesn’t let her get very far before he grips her arms and swings her around, slamming her back into the wall. His fist connects with her jaw and then with her stomach. She doubles over in pain and sinks down to the floor, curling up in the fetal position while his boot lands kick after kick to her ribs. He doesn’t stop until she passes out from the pain.

  CHAPTER THREE

  ASHLEY WAKES UP IN a hospital bed with no memory of how she ended up there or how long she’d been there. All she knows is that she’s alone and she fucking hurt. It feels like a crushing weight is sitting on her ribs.

  “Hey, you’re awake.” Kat slips in through the open door and sits down in the vacant chair next to her hospital bed.

  “How long have I been here?”

  “Only since yesterday,” Kat answers.

  All she can is nod her head because she’s still confused as to how she ended up here. The last memory she has is lying on the dining room floor of the apartment she shared with Adam while he continued to kick her. Surely, he wouldn’t have called the ambulance, would he?

  “I found you,” Kat answers her unspoken questions

  “You?” Her voice is strained from not having used it in what feels like years.

  Kat hands her a glass of water from the pitcher next to the bed, “You weren’t answering your cell, and after what I saw that night I got worried. I still have a key from before he moved in so I used it to get in and found you o
n the floor.” Her voice hitches as she tries to hold back a sob.

  “It was bad, Ash. Your body was so contorted; I was barely able to make you out laying on the floor. I couldn’t tell if you were breathing or not, and the 9-1-1 operator told me not to move you. You scared me half to death.”

  Tears flow freely from Ashley’s green eyes. “I’m so sorry, Kat.”

  “Shh,” Kat soothes. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m just glad I found you when I did.” Kat leans over and throws her one arm around her but pulls back when Ashley winces in pain. “Shit, sorry. I forgot you have a couple cracked ribs. They had to tape them. You’ll need to take it easy for the next several weeks.”

  “Adam?”

  “He wasn’t there when I found you.” Kat avoids eye contact and starts fiddling with the sleeves of her sweater. “He hasn’t come by the hospital either.”

  Kat doesn’t get restless and she sure as heck doesn’t fiddle with anything so Ashley knows whatever Kat is trying to hide can’t be good.

  “Just tell me. Please, Kat. I can handle it.”

  Kat looks doubtful but takes a moment to take a deep breath before dropping the bomb. “Adam’s engaged.”

  She laughs but when she turns to Kat and notices the serious look on her face, her smile fades, “What?”

  “I’m sorry, Ash. It was in the paper this morning. Apparently, she’s from a family of very renowned lawyers. The firm is number one in the city. The article said Adam and their daughter have been dating for the last year. It said he proposed yesterday. Right around the same time we were at Joey’s. That’s why I was calling you.”

  “He came home at three a.m. smelling like bourbon and some woman’s perfume,” Ashley whispers, not willing to believe that Adam would propose to another woman while he was with her.

  The knowledge that Adam not only cheated but got engaged to another woman should upset her at the very least but it doesn’t. She doesn’t feel anything at all.

  “I’m sorry, Ash.”

  “Are you?” she questions.

  Kat sighs. “No, I’m not sorry you’re finally rid of him. But, I am sorry he did this to you. I’m sorry I didn’t try and get you out of there sooner.”

  She closes her eyes, praying sleep will claim her quickly. Somehow, deep down, she knows this won’t the last time she hears of Adam. This is just the beginning.

  …

  It has been two weeks since she was released from the hospital, and she hasn’t left her apartment since Kat dropped her off.

  She’s so tired. Tired of pretending she’s okay. Tired of pretending there isn’t a black hole inside of her. It feels like a weight pressing on her chest, and she can’t breathe.

  She wants the darkness to take her away so she doesn’t have to fight the constant battle of pursuing a physical pain that would distract her from the emotional one she fights to keep at bay. She doesn’t want to struggle anymore.

  She doesn’t give a shit about anything anymore, not her job and not the classes she hasn’t been to in two weeks. If she’s hungry, which is very rare, she orders from the pizza place down the street. She keeps the apartment in total darkness, glad she’d purchased the blackout curtains.

  She doesn’t know what day it is anymore. The minute she’d gotten home she turned off her phone and hasn’t cracked open her laptop or turned on the TV since. She doesn’t know if she can handle seeing all the notifications pop up about Adam’s engagement. She had only just glanced at a picture of his fiancée when checking her Facebook in the hospital.

  She’s fucking perfect; blonde, blue-eyed, probably a size two, and her parents are rich. She’s the exact opposite of Ashley’s size twelve, curvy frame.

  She’s reluctant to call herself depressed but maybe she is. Adam was her drug of choice when the alcohol and pot didn’t cut it, and she was fucking addicted.

  She doesn’t care about the rest; the controlling, the beatings, none of it, because she’s addicted to the way he made the darkness in her fade away, if only for a few hours. But now she just feels lost.

  She doesn’t want to be in the apartment because it reminds her too much of him. But she has nowhere to go. If she allows herself to move in with Kat she’d have to constantly put on a brave face and pretend she was okay.

  The person she is when she’s alone and when she’s among her friends are two very different people. When she’s with them it seems like she’s outgoing, like nothing could faze her. But when she’s alone she retreats into a very dark place inside of herself.

  She wants to keep her friends from having to see that other side of her. She doesn’t want her two best friends to see her like that. To know just how broken she really is. Maybe she should’ve cared about the abuse, any sane person would, but to her it was just another reminder of how worthless she is.

  She’s suddenly very glad she’d taken Kat’s key back when she’d realized she didn’t have hers. She’s grateful Kat wouldn’t be walking in on her while she’s at her lowest; when beer and whiskey bottles litter the floors of her apartment, when it smells like stale pot and new scars adorn her thighs and arms.

  She started getting creative with her cuts after the first week of being home. Now instead of the neat, little lines, the words FAILURE and WORTHLESS decorate the tops of her thighs.

  She couldn’t stop and she hates herself for it. She doesn’t want to end her life; the cuts are never deep enough for it to get that far. She just wants to feel the physical pain so the emotional pain will take a backseat and leave her alone. The physical pain never stays long enough, though, and soon the emotions come flooding right back in again.

  She wants to stop cutting, God does she ever want to stop, but she needs it. It’s the one thing she has that will make it all feel better. It’s the one thing she knows she will always have because it won’t leave. It won’t make her empty promises and then abandon her when she really needs it. It takes all her pain away, just like it promised. It won’t tell her it loves her and then break her heart, and it most assuredly won’t call her worthless.

  It will always be there for her, and she needs it.

  She knows there are drugs out there that will have the same effect but she isn’t stupid. She doesn’t want to owe her life to the drugs. Even though, that’s what she’s currently doing; she owes her life to cutting, drinking, and pot. But it’s different than heroin or cocaine.

  It is different. Maybe if she keeps repeating it, one day it will be true.

  She knows she also needs help because there’s a chance the next time she grabs a blade she won’t stop and that might be the one that ends her life. She can’t bear to see the hurt and disappointment in her best friends’ eyes but looking around her dark apartment, she knows she needs help tonight because if she doesn’t get it, there may not be a tomorrow for her.

  With a shaky breath and tears streaming down her cheeks, she stumbles to the kitchen in a drunken haze, finds her phone and dials, praying they’ll forgive her and will help her get through this.

  She’s already decided she doesn’t want to be admitted to the psych ward at the hospital. She wants to do this on her own with her two best friends. It’s bad enough she’d have to see the pity in their eyes, she doesn’t want to have to see it in the eyes of the doctors and nurses too. Was that selfish of her to put this on Kat and Alice? Maybe. But this was the only way she could see herself getting better.

  Kat answers on the second rings, “Hello?”

  “Kat—” Shit, she was slurring.

  “Ash? What’s wrong?”

  “Need help. Can’t make it stop.” She hopes Kat can make out her words because they don’t sound right to her ears.

  “Can’t make what stop, Hun?”

  Huh? Okay well she guesses her words are making sense.

  “Soo drunk,” she sings, then starts giggling. Her brow furrows as she tries to string together another sentence.

  She has no idea what Kat says after that because her eyes started f
eeling heavy, and she passes out in the middle of her kitchen floor.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  ASHLEY WAKES UP IN her bathtub with a bucket of ice being thrown on her.

  “Nice of you to join us.” Alice smiles, tucking the bucket under arms.

  “What the hell, Alice?” she shrieks crossing her arms over her chest, trying to protect her body against the shivers that are threatening.

  Alice shrugs, “Fastest way to sober you up. Get showered and come out to the living room. Kat and I’ll clean up your apartment.”

  “I hate you.” She glares at Alice’s retreating back, but Alice doesn’t miss a step as she flips her the bird over her shoulder and continues out to the living room.

  These girls are her only family here. They’re the ones who keep her sane without even realizing they’re doing it. If it weren’t for them she probably wouldn’t have made it this far.

  After removing her clothes, she looks down at the scars decorating her wrists and thighs, and knows it’s true. Without those ladies she would’ve taken the blade deeper a long time ago. The irony is they still have no idea about her secret.

  That’s about to change. Tonight. She’s going to tell them everything. She hopes Kat and Alice will still accept her afterwards.

  Turning the water off and stepping out of the tub she wraps the oversized bath towel around her body and goes in search of a hair brush in the clutter that’s taken over the bathroom counter. Most of the stuff is Adam’s.

  He hated when she wore makeup, so she’d stopped. She got tired of always hearing comments like, “You don’t need to wear that shit. Who are you trying to attract?” And her personal favorite, “You look like a whore with all that shit on your face. Take it off.”

  Yeah, the guy’s an asshole.

  After her hair is void of all knots, she grabs a pair of black yoga pants and a tank top from her dresser drawers. She gets dressed and takes a deep breath, preparing herself to go in search of her best friends.