Skin Deep

by Daniels, A. J.

  When she looks up at him with eyes full of sadness and regret, he wishes he could just forget about finding out she lied to him.

  “I’m sorry.” She hiccups between sobs.

  “Why didn’t you just tell me, Danielle?”

  “Because I’m fucked up. Because you have the power to break me even worse than I was before, and I don’t think I can survive it if you left.”

  “Baby, you’re not fucked up.”

  She can’t stop the tear that escapes from the corner of her eye, but he brushes it away with his thumb before it has a chance to run down her cheek.

  “Who hurt you, Danielle?”

  She shakes her head, avoiding his eyes. She can’t go there right now—with him. The pain and the darkness are still there, barely below the surface, waiting for the chance to explode and consume her again. She can’t give in to it now and if she tells him, if she lets him in, she might be letting the darkness in again too.

  “Baby, do you trust me?”

  She nods her head.

  “Then trust me to still be here after you tell me. Trust our relationship to be strong enough to handle it. If we’re ever going to have a chance to make this work then I want to know you. It doesn’t matter if it’s happy or sad or down right depressing. I want to know you. All of you: the past, the present, and the future.”

  God, she was seriously falling for this man but she meant what she’d said. If he left she didn’t think she’d be able to survive being broken again. But he was right, she needed to trust him and their relationship.

  “Okay.”

  “Why don’t we get off Mike’s front lawn though. We can take my bike back to my place.” He stands up, offering her his hand.

  When he hands her the extra helmet and straddles the bike, she looks skeptically at the bike and then at him.

  He laughs holding out his hand and helping her jump on behind him. “You’ll be fine. Just keep your arms wrapped around me.”

  …

  She takes a deep breath and looks like she’s preparing herself to go to battle, and he guesses in some ways she is. He knows this must not be easy for her; over the last three months of getting to know her she’s alluded to having a difficult past but would never elaborate further than that.

  He’s guessed there’s been a lot of pain in her past but he wasn’t prepared for just how much.

  “My entire childhood I always felt like I was a worthless use of space, especially from extended family like grandparents, aunts, and uncles.”

  She glances up at him, and he nods for her to continue.

  “Don’t get me wrong, my parents, my cousins, and some of my aunts and uncles are great, but the others, not so much. Especially my grandmother on my dad’s side. My whole life I always felt like we were never good enough and could never live up to her standards. I remember as a little girl walking into her home and seeing pictures of all my cousins on her walls but almost none of Chris and me.”

  Her expression looks pained as she describes walking into her grandparent’s house, and he instantly wants to pull her into his arms and not only protect the woman she is now but the little girl she was back then.

  “Oh there would be a picture, but it was a small, two-by-two image of us tucked away into the corner of another frame that already held a big picture of my cousins. I always wondered why she never loved us like the others. She takes a shuddering breath before continuing.

  “I was only twelve at the time we immigrated to Canada from South Africa so I never got answers to why she hated us so much, but that feeling of not being wanted didn’t go away. When I started school in Toronto the bullying started, and I just felt this crushing weight on my chest, like no matter what I did I just couldn’t breathe. Until one day . . .” She trails off, and her eyes glaze over with all the memories.

  “Dani, what happened?”

  Her eyes are still glazed over when she lifts her hands and turns them over like whatever is in her head is appearing on both of her wrists.

  Faded scars still decorate her inner arms but they’re less visible now.

  “One day I was getting out of the shower and I guess my dad had forgotten to put away his shaving stuff that morning. I found a brand new pack of blades on the counter. It was so tempting, you know? I felt like there was so much pressure building up inside of me and I figured just one little drag of the blade would release some of the pressure and I could breathe again.”

  She looks up at him with tears streaming down her face, and he stops breathing in that moment.

  “And I was right, but then it became almost like an addiction. And then the physical pain was so much better than the emotional pain. I know it sounds fucked up. What kind of thirteen- or fourteen-year-old does that?”

  “Dani—”

  She doesn’t let him finish his sentence as she hurriedly wipes away her tears and turns to face him.

  “Anyway, I met Adam a couple months after high school graduation, we were friends for a little while before we started dating, and for a time he made me forget about the cutting. I started to feel somewhat normal after a few months.” She hesitates and looks up at him. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

  He reaches out and takes her small hands in his larger ones squeezing them reassuringly. “Yes, I do.”

  “For a few months Adam made me forget about how fucked up I was but then he started bringing these friends around every night after work, and they would do drugs and drink in our apartment. They always invited me to join them, and one day I did.

  At first all Adam and I would do was smoke a joint or two and have a few beers, but then he started doing cocaine with them and joking that it was okay, he could stop doing it if he wanted to. But he’d just do more of it and then he started drinking more. When he drank more he’d become . . .” Her voice trails off.

  “He’d become?”

  “He’d become violent: yelling, screaming, and throwing things.”

  “Did he ever hit you, Dani?”

  “Not until a year into our relationship. One night he came home really late, like two or three in the morning. I’d waited up for him, and when he got home he smelled like booze and smoke and another woman’s perfume. I confronted him about it. He got so mad, he started yelling at me so I walked out of the room. I didn’t get past the door before he yanked my arm and hit me across the face. That was the first time he’d ever laid a hand on me but it wasn’t the last. There were many more very similar nights like that one.”

  He can feel his heart rate pick up speed but he wills himself to stay calm because the last thing he wants is to lose his cool in front of her. But, damn it, he prays he doesn’t run in to that bastard.

  He wants to protect this woman with every fiber of his being. She’s the strongest person he knows.

  “One night I couldn’t take it anymore so I messaged Kat and Alice and told them I had to get out. I guess you know them as Nicole and Jessica. They argued they wanted to come with me, and they did. That’s the real reason why we moved out here. Adam and I were together for almost two years.”

  She’s curled up in a ball with his arms around her. She feels so drained she doesn’t think she could move right now even if she wanted to. “I changed my name and dyed my hair dark. Kat and Alice changed their names and appearances too.”

  Their wineglasses are sitting half full on the coffee table, and he’s breathing really heavily. There were a few times while she was telling him about her past that he drew her closer to him and refused to let go.

  She knew then it was hard for him to hear parts of her story. Especially the parts about Adam and the abuse.

  “Christ, I’m so sorry Dani.”

  She looks up at him expecting to see pity in his eyes but all she sees is concern and awe.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for, Parker. You weren’t there. You had nothing to do with all the shit I went through. I wish I had been strong enough to not have had to go through any of it.”

&nbs
p; “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

  She shakes her head and moves to get out of his arms, but they just tighten more around her when he brings her closer.

  “You overcame all of it. You fought through everything and you’re here today because of that.”

  She sighs. “I guess.” God, if only he knew how much she still struggles to keep the darkness away every day.

  He doesn’t know though. He doesn’t know some nights she still cries herself to sleep while he sleeps next to her. He doesn’t know the daily struggle she faces when she opens the bathroom cabinets and sees his razors. She won’t ever go back to that kind of release though. She can’t.

  “What was your name?” he asks curiously.

  “Ashley Martens.”

  “What made you choose Gilbert?”

  She smiles shyly. “I kind of had a thing for Brantley Gilbert.”

  “The country singer?”

  She nods. “The one and only.”

  “You’re not worthless by the way. You’re beautiful and you’re worthy, and I know that wasn’t an easy thing for you tell me but I’m glad you did.”

  “It wasn’t. I’m just glad I’m here and he’s back in Ontario. He can’t hurt me anymore.”

  He presses a soft kiss to her lips before pulling away

  “I’m sorry I lied to you. I wanted to tell you but I was so scared. I still am. I keep thinking that Adam’s going to randomly pop up out of nowhere. I have nightmares where I come home, and he’s there waiting for me.”

  He brings her hand up to his lips and places a quick kiss on it, “He won’t touch you. I swear on my life I’ll protect you from him and anyone else who tries to harm you.”

  She snuggles more into his side, relieved she was finally able to tell him everything and he’s still here.

  “Come on. It’s your turn to pick the movie, and I’ll order the pizza.” He pulls her up from the couch with him.

  …

  He wasn’t expecting all of that when Ashley started telling him about her past. He’s still ramped up from it while they sit on the couch watching The Expendables.

  He was shocked when she told him it was one of her favourite movies. He was even more shocked when she said she loved it because of all the “blow shit up” parts. Yeah, those were her exact words. The woman was after his own heart.

  He’s not paying attention to the movie though. His brain is still trying to process everything she just told him.

  Any man that raises a hand to a woman isn’t a man at all in his eyes. Adam’s a fucking coward. Parker should call Jay and see if he can still charge the fucker with something. If anyone can find anything about anyone, it’s Jay. When Ash gets up to pop more popcorn he shoots off a message.

  Parker: Hey, got something to talk to you about. It’s important but not tonight

  Jay: Mike and I are heading to Brandt’s tomorrow after work.

  Parker: Count me in.

  …

  He makes his way to Jay and Mike’s booth in the back and notices the pub is surprisingly slow for after five on a weeknight. Not even a second after he slides into the booth the server is there asking to take their order. All three of them order whatever beer is on tap and several pounds of wings.

  “So what’s so important?” Jay asks

  “We’ve got an issue,” he says.

  “What kind of issue?” Mike asks, taking a sip of the beer the server just handed him.

  “Dani’s ex is an abusive son of a bitch.”

  “Shit, she finally opened up about her past, huh? What’d the fucker do?” Mike asks

  “Beat her to a bloody pulp. Apparently the piece of shit was big into controlling her and using his fists to do it.” Parker’s hand tightens around his beer glass until his knuckles are turning white

  He still can’t think about it without feeling rage boil up inside of him. When he looks at Jay and Mike sitting across from him he knows they’re feeling it to, but they’re probably not expecting the bomb he’s about to drop.

  “That’s not all. He’s the vic’s husband.”

  “How do you figure that?” Mike asks.

  “Her ex’s name is Adam White. He’s also listed as the spouse in the vic’s file.”

  “Shit,” Jay says.

  “Does she know?” Mike inquires.

  “No, I don’t think so and I didn’t tell her.”

  “Are you going to tell her?” Jay asks.

  “I don’t know.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  SHE HEARS HER PHONE ringing somewhere in the distance but she ignores it. This dream is just getting good, and she doesn’t want it to end. Parker’s doing very dirty things to her body, and she likes it a lot. She tries to force herself back to the dream, but the damn ringing won’t stop.

  She fumbles blindly around her nightstand trying to locate her phone.

  “Hello?” she forces out, her voice groggy with sleep.

  “Ash?” Her brother’s voice sounds panicked.

  She sits up, instantly alert, clicking on the bedroom light. “Chris? What’s wrong?”

  “Ash, it’s Dad . . .” His voice hitches, but he doesn’t go on.

  “What about Dad? Chris, what’s going on?”

  “Dad . . . had a heart attack tonight. He . . . he didn’t make it.” She can hear Chris sobbing into the phone now.

  Dear God, please, no. She just talked to her dad earlier in the day. They were laughing while planning her trip home this summer, and their family vacation next year. He was laughing and happy and he was alive.

  “Ash?”

  “I’m still here.” She tries to wipe away the tears, but they’re coming faster than she can keep up with. “Where are you? Where’s Mom?” Even though her parents had been divorced for a few years they still cared deeply for each other.

  “She’s here. We’re still at the hospital.”

  “Put her on.” She hears rustling before her mom’s voice comes through the phone.

  “Hello? Ashley?”

  “Mom . . .” She can’t keep back the sobs that rack her body anymore. She’d had to be strong for her brother but she can’t hold it back for her mom.

  “I’m here, Ashley.” Her mom’s voice cracks but she can tell she’s trying to keep it together for her and Chris.

  “I’m coming home. I want to come home.”

  “Ashley, you have a thesis to finish right now. Why don’t you wait until we have the funeral figured out and come home then?”

  “No,” she replies forcefully and she instantly regrets it. “I’m coming home now and I’ll help with the funeral arrangements. I’ll book a ticket right now and be there tomorrow.”

  Her mom sighs into the phone. “Okay. Message me your flight info and I’ll pick you up at the airport.”

  “Okay. I love you.”

  “I love you too, Ashley,” her mom says before the line goes dead.

  …

  It’s been so long since she’s been back home. She came home the first Christmas after she left for school, but with the flights being so expensive she hadn’t had a chance to get back here.

  However, this was not the way she pictured she’d be coming home.

  Dad had a heart attack tonight. He . . . he didn’t make it. Her life changed with that one phone call. She couldn’t even lean on Parker right now because it felt like they’d drifted apart ever since she told him about her past. He claimed he just couldn’t get the time away from the team right now; they were just too busy.

  They’d caught a new homicide case the other week, and recently he’s had to put in double hours at the station, helping the Organized Crime Unit crack a couple cases they were working on.

  She understood. She did. Being a member of the ERT came with a lot of responsibilities, but she didn’t think she was making a big request.

  All she wanted was at least one night a week where it was just the two of them. One night when they could reconnect as a couple. She didn�
��t think that was too much to ask.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  “WHAT DO YOU MEAN you can’t find him, Jay?” Parker’s pacing his office now like a caged animal.

  This can’t be happening. Jay’s been searching for Adam for a week now and no leads. Where did the fucker disappear to?

  “We’ve searched everywhere, man, and nothing. The guy’s a fucking ghost. He put in for leave from work. The Ontario Provincial Police couldn’t find him either.”

  “What about his debit card? Credit cards? Cell phone?”

  “Nothing new has shown up since April.”

  “Three months? Fuck!”

  “We’ll keep searching, Parker, but it’s not looking good.”

  He takes a deep breath and lets it out. He still has a briefing with the Organized Crime unit before he can call it a day. “Yeah, thanks, man. I appreciate it.”

  “How’s Dani doing?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve barely been home. If I see her I’m going to spill about asking you to look into Adam, she’ll tell me to stop and let it go. But I can’t let it go, Jay. This guy hurt her badly, and on top of that he’s the number one suspect in our investigation.”

  “We’ll catch him, but you need to talk to her.”

  “I know. I’ve been working doubles. The Organized Crime Unit needed some backup on a few cases.”

  Jay chuckles on the other end of the line. “That sucks. Sorry man.”

  “Let’s hope she doesn’t fucking hate me after this.”

  “She might if you don’t tell her the truth.”

  His phone beeps with an incoming call. When he looks down at it he sees it’s not a number he recognizes. He ends the call with Jay and immediately answers the incoming call.

  “Collins.”

  “Parker, it’s Jess.”

  “Hey, Jess. What can I help you with?”

  “Look, I’m just going to cut to the chase. I’m not sure what game you’re playing with my best friend and right now I don’t care. She needs you.”

  “I’m not playing games with her, Jess, work has been busy. Is she okay?”

  “No. Her dad passed away early this morning. She just got the phone call.”