The Way to Game the Walk of Shame

by Jenn P. Nguyen

Taylor sat on the hammock, and my eyes drifted from the alluring plaid fabric to her white legs that obviously didn’t see the sun very much down to her small feet. I could feel heat climbing up my face.

  I sat down beside her and awkwardly shifted back and forth, torn between wanting to get closer and not wanting to get too close, because I didn’t know if I could hold myself back. She leaned away from me and gave me a funny look.

  “What?”

  A half smile appeared on her face. “I didn’t know you wear glasses. It makes you look cute. Smart.”

  My brows rose in surprise. Did Taylor Simmons just call me cute and smart? I made a big show of adjusting the wire-rimmed glasses on my nose. “Yeah, well, blame it on computers and video games at a young age.”

  “Ah, now that I can believe. So what do you want to talk about?”

  “I wanted to see if you were okay?” I asked lamely. Damn, why couldn’t I think of a better excuse?

  “Um, yeah, I’m fine.” She folded one leg beneath her. The other foot pushed at the ground, and she swung us back and forth. “Are you? Honestly?”

  My arms crossed beneath my head. “Honestly, no, not really.”

  I had perfected lying over the years, so I always thought I was a pretty good actor. But Taylor noticed something was wrong. And she came to a party where she clearly didn’t want to be just to make sure I was all right. She made me want to talk to her. To tell her everything that was bothering me.

  But I couldn’t tell her about how jealous I was of her and Brian. And how I had picked a fight with Brandon because of it. I still had my pride.

  Instead, I told her about Mom and the card I found in her purse.

  “So did you end up talking to her?”

  “Yeah.” I stared up at the stars peeking out between the branches and leaves. A lot of good that had done. I had tried to talk to Mom again a few more times, but she still refused to let me talk to Dad. I should have just swiped the card when I had the chance. “She said he’s tried to contact me for a while, but she didn’t tell me because it was for my own good.” I let out a humorless laugh. “Brandon said it was better that way. So I could make a new life. Be happier. Thinking that my dad abandoned me.”

  Taylor wrinkled her nose. “Well, it’s easy to see why Brandon chose to be an anesthesiologist rather than a psychiatrist. He doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.”

  This time I laughed for real. “That’s for sure.”

  It got quiet for a moment, and I couldn’t help imagining that we were back at the beach. Alone and quiet. It was almost completely dark in this corner except for a flickering streetlamp over the far gate.

  “So what are you going to do now?” Taylor said.

  “What do you mean?”

  She turned on her side to face me. “Are you going to find him?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.”

  Taylor poked my shoulder. Hard. “Lies.”

  “Ouch, you’ve got one bony finger.” In response, she raised both index fingers and reached toward me again. “Fine, fine, I’ll admit that the thought has crossed my mind once or twice.”

  “And?”

  “And … I haven’t decided, all right?” I pushed myself upright, making the hammock sway under the sudden shift.

  Taylor waited until the rocking slowed before sitting up, too. She edged closer until we were almost pressed against each other. “What are you afraid of? From what you told me, he’s great.”

  A million answers came to mind, but I gave her the one that I didn’t even want to admit to myself. “What if he’s not? I built him up to be this Perfect Dad. What if I find out that he’s not at all what I remembered? That’s he’s exactly the type of person Brandon always said he was—that I would become someday?”

  “That’s true. He could turn out to be a douche like my dad.” She shook her head. “Nah, that wouldn’t be possible. There couldn’t be two of them in this world. God’s not that mean.”

  I laughed and wrapped an arm around her back. She didn’t pull away. In fact, she leaned a fraction closer until our sides, our hips, were touching. “You know, chances are your dad probably won’t live up to your expectations. Things usually don’t. But that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. And you won’t know until you try. It’s your choice.” She grimaced. “Sorry, you came here to talk, not get a lecture. I’ll shut up now.”

  “It’s all right. I’ve gotten used to your bossy self.” I pulled her in for a tight hug. My cheek rested on the top of her head. “And you’re right. You didn’t live up to my expectations, and that wasn’t a bad thing at all.”

  “Oh, and what were your expectations with me?”

  “You don’t want to know.”

  She laughed. “You’re right, I probably don’t. It’s getting late. You should go home before you’re too sleepy to drive.”

  Taylor untangled herself from my arms and moved away. Or at least tried to. I tightened my grip around her waist, not wanting the moment to end yet. “Could you stay here with me a little bit longer?” I asked.

  “Um, sure.”

  As we lay back and looked up at the stars, I felt calm for the first time that week. More in control. She was right. It might not be my choice to be apart from my dad for so long, but now it was my choice whether I wanted it to stay that way. I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath. I’d figure that out later. Right now I just wanted to stay here as long as I could.

  Before I faded off, Taylor took hold of my hand. Although I was too tired to open my eyes, my lips curved into a smile.

  I don’t know how long I would have stayed asleep if it weren’t for the damn sunlight shining straight in my face. I sure as hell wasn’t ready to wake up yet. I couldn’t even open my eyes, much less get up. Taylor tossed and turned beside me, and I knew she had the same problem.

  “It’s sunny,” I muttered.

  She moaned and turned her head back and forth. “Gee, Sherlock, I hadn’t even noticed.”

  I threw up an arm to cover my face, but it didn’t help. “Can’t you do something about it?”

  Taylor sighed and snuggled even deeper into my side, hiding her face. “Sure, let me turn back time so it can be night again.”

  “Your sarcasm is not appreciated so early in the morning.” Suddenly, a shadow fell across my face as I yawned. I let out a sigh of relief. “That’s better. Thanks.”

  “I didn’t do anything.”

  We both sprang upward at the exact time and nearly toppled out of the hammock. Probably would have, if Mr. Simmons hadn’t reached out to steady the rope.

  Shit.

  19

  {Taylor}

  Grounded. That was my life sentence. Or at least until Dad was old enough to have memory loss. Could have been worse, though. Dad looked like he was ready to kill Evan, and probably would have if Mom hadn’t stopped him. He just sent Evan home and lectured me every minute since then. During dinner, to school, from school. He even lectured me on the way to the bathroom. And refused to let anyone say Evan’s name in front of his face.

  Mom was a lot easier. She gave me the safe-sex talk (after which I wanted to die), but after that, she was fine.

  Thank god I was still allowed to have visitors, as long as they weren’t Evan.

  “Okay, what’s up with you guys?” Carly dropped her bag on the floor and jumped on my bed. I bounced with her a few times until she settled down next to me.

  “Hi to you, too.” I grabbed a blue throw pillow to play with. “Are you going on the Art Club field trip next Friday?”

  “Let’s see, I get to skip trig and visit the Bechtler Museum for a discount. You can bet your pretty little ass I’m going,” she said with a wide grin and linked her arm through mine. “You’re going, right?”

  “I haven’t decided. I might have to do something with the newspaper. If I don’t, can you take some pictures for me? I want to write a report on the Joan Miró collection for extra credit.”
<
br />   “Of course. We wouldn’t want your average to slide below an A+ now, would we?” Carly yawned so wide, I could practically see her tonsils. Not a pretty sight. “You know, sometimes it really sucks being friends with you.”

  I grinned and laid a hand on my chest. “Thanks. I really feel the love.”

  She bumped her shoulder against mine. “Whatever, loser. Now, back to my first question. What’s up with you guys? Did you finally have sex?”

  My eyes burned from the instant blush that shot up my face. “Carly!”

  “Come on, you had to be doing something to get grounded. Your parents never ground you. Am I supposed to believe that you two actually just talked all night?”

  But we did. And it was one of the best nights I’d ever had. “We talked and slept. And only slept, so get your mind out of the gutter,” I said, tapping her forehead with my index finger a bit harder than necessary, to get the point across.

  “Ouch! Fine, if you say so.” She yanked the pillow from my lap and tossed it into the air. “But it sucks that you guys can’t see each other much anymore. I mean, even I think your parents driving you to and from school is overdoing it a little.”

  “Yeah, well, I wasn’t exactly in the position to argue.”

  “Okay, I’ll concede on the sex thing, but I still think something is up with you two. You’re different.”

  I shot her a curious look. “Good different or bad different?”

  “Good. More relaxed. Like you’re a real couple now.” She shook her head and lay back against my pillows. Her fingers toyed with the fringe on the end of my lace pillow. “I mean, even though I know the truth about you two, sometimes I can’t help forgetting. You’re both so cute. And you fit together.”

  “Are you kidding me? We’re nothing alike.”

  Carly rolled her eyes. “You don’t need to be alike to be perfect for each other. Look at Monica and Chandler. Ross and Rachel. Beauty and the Beast. Jack and Rose.”

  My eyebrows rose. “Beauty and the Beast?”

  “You know what I mean. Stop pretending to date and just go for the real thing.”

  I tugged on my comforter, smoothing it on my bed. I had joked with Evan before that he would never make my list of requirements for a boyfriend, but it was sadly true. In more ways than one. He had way too much experience for me. And I hated that. Heck, just the thought of him being with Lauren made me sick to my stomach, and she was only one girl. I didn’t want to keep meeting new people and wondering if Evan had ever been with them.

  Not to mention, he’d never had a long-term girlfriend before. (Our fake relationship was probably his longest.) I’d never had a boyfriend, either, but I knew I wanted a steady, stable relationship like my parents had. I didn’t even know what Evan wanted. He didn’t seem to care much for his future. Or about anything.

  He was also kind. And funny. And sweet. Though we didn’t care about the same things, he always made an effort about things that were important to him. And he had a vulnerable side to him that made me want to protect him.

  My hand reached up to grasp the necklace, playing with the coin. “I don’t know. I still don’t know how I feel about him. I mean, who says I even like him?”

  Carly gawked at me like I was stupid. “Uh, you think about him constantly. You talk about him all the time. You miss him when he’s not around. And you make out with him enough to make me blush.” She smacked me on the head with the pillow. “Guess what? That means you like him, you dummy! I thought you were supposed to be smart?”

  I blocked the pillow with my forearm before she gave me a concussion. “Okay, okay! Maybe I do kind of like him. But it takes two to actually start dating. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? Or worse, he calls off this whole thing because he’s afraid of leading me on? What if actually trying to advance our relationship ruins our relationship? Then what?”

  Carly blinked at me. “You think way too much. Just take it one step at a time. You don’t need to have all the answers now.”

  “But I do.” I gnawed on my lower lip. That was who I’d always been. I planned things. I prepared for them. I made sure everything I did worked toward my goal. Whether it was going to Columbia or just a summer vacation to SeaWorld. Everything needed to go according to plan. Everything needed to be logical and make sense. And Evan … wasn’t part of the plan. At all.

  But that was the best thing about Evan. He didn’t fit into any of my neat slots. He never did what I expected him to. Every time I learned something new, something surprising, about him, it only made me want to know more. And be closer to him. But did that mean I loved him?

  Dad knocked, interrupting us, before opening the door. “Taylor, I have a letter for you.”

  “Thanks, Dad.” I wondered how much of our conversation he had heard. Probably not much, since he didn’t look very mad today. That was an improvement.

  He shifted his weight from side to side. The same way I did whenever I was nervous about something. “So, I couldn’t help noticing that you’ve been getting some letters from other colleges.”

  I glanced down at the letter he handed me. My thumb scratched at the return label on the envelope. “Yeah, the counselor made me fill out the applications, even though I told her I was going to Columbia. Kind of a waste of time, but it was good practice filling out applications.” I tossed it on the desk with the others.

  Carly grabbed the letters. “Let me see this.” She scanned each one, and her eyes grew bigger and bigger until I thought they were going to pop out of her skull. “Cornell. Yale? Seriously? These are your backup schools? God, my mom would die to have you be her daughter.” She held each letter up to the light and squinted. “This one from Loyola is pretty thick, too. I’m pretty sure you got in.”

  My jaw tightened, and I looked down at my hands on my lap. “They’re not backup schools, because I don’t need backups. I’m going to Columbia.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Carly and Dad shoot each other a look. “Of course you are,” Carly said. “And, uh, have you heard anything back from them yet?”

  “No, but I know they’ll reconsider after the Career Day program. I’ve been working on an introduction speech that will knock the socks off the guest speaker.” My voice barely trembled.

  I wished I were as confident as I sounded. The truth was that I was terrified. I was terrified that I was going to mess up the presentation. That I wasn’t going to get accepted and that I would have to go somewhere else. The counselor didn’t push me to fill out these applications—I did. Just in case I failed.

  Dad took a couple of steps into my room and patted my head. His big hand was heavy but comforting on top of my hair. “I’m sure you can go wherever you want. Whether it’s Columbia, Yale, or a clown college. You’ll be a star, no matter what.”

  I gave him a small smile. “Thanks, Dad.”

  “No problem.” He cleared his throat and reached into his pocket for two twenties. “Why don’t you two go out? Watch a movie or something? Relax a bit.”

  “I thought I was grounded?”

  “Today can be an exception. You can be grounded again tomorrow.”

  Carly swiped the cash and waved it at Dad. “Thanks, Mr. Simmons. I’ll make sure Taylor gets back home in time for dinner.”

  He nodded and after giving my head another pat, he left.

  Carly laid the two bills on the bed between us. “So do you actually want to go to the movies, or do you want to see Evan? I don’t mind covering for you if you want to hang out with him tonight.”

  It was a simple question, but I knew what she was really asking. My normal life or Evan? Plans or risks?

  She sat there and watched me. I knew Carly was dying to tell me exactly what to do, but she didn’t. Even though she told me not to think, she knew I needed to think and rationalize everything out anyway. And that’s why she was my best friend. She gave me tough love and told me what she thought, but she left me to make my own decisions.

  My fingertips tapped on
the twenties. I kind of wished this were one of the times when she would tell me what to do. “Let’s just go to the movies for now.”

  Disappointment was etched across her face, but Carly just nodded. “All right, let’s go.”

  I knew she thought I was making a mistake, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t choosing my life without Evan. I was choosing to have time to imagine my life without him. And whether the chance of being with him was worth the risk of my heartbreak if he didn’t feel the same way.

  20

  -Evan-

  I searched up and down the hall for Taylor, but she was nowhere in sight. Even though it was only sixth period and we had just seen each other at lunch, I missed her. We’d gone from seeing each other every single day to barely seeing each other at all. Now I felt like something was always missing. I didn’t know how I’d gone through my life without Taylor before.

  I couldn’t even call her whenever I wanted to, in case her dad was around. He was pretty pissed. I felt bad for Taylor, since I got to escape and she was stuck. After all, I was the one who came over. I had asked her to stay with me a little longer before we fell asleep. It was my fault that she was in trouble in the first place. It was always my fault.

  After I got my history book from my locker, an arm curved around my torso and someone leaned into my back. Taylor. An automatic grin crossed my face, but I tried to play it cool. Like I hadn’t spent all day thinking about her. “I know you missed me, but this is a surprise. I thought you didn’t care for PDA? Not that I mind.”

  The arms tightened. “You know I could never keep my hands off you, whether we’re in public or private.”

  I spun around just as Lauren moved in closer. “What are you doing?”

  Her pink lips pouted. “I would have thought that you’d know exactly what I’m doing.”

  I was surprised to see her. She had called me a few times since the beach party, but I didn’t pick up. Partly because I didn’t want to hear her bitch at me, but also because I was a little pissed about the way she had treated Taylor. I understood how Lauren could be, but Taylor didn’t deserve that.