Uncle John's the Haunted Outhouse Bathroom Reader for Kids Only!

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  THE TRUTH: Dead bodies have been discovered under hotel beds in Florida, California, Nevada, New Jersey, and Missouri—so this tale is based, at least partly, in fact.

  PLAYING WITH THE DEAD

  THE STORY GOES: Some teenagers go to the fair and decide to scare themselves silly in the haunted house. While poking around the props inside, they accidentally knock over a “corpse” and discover…it’s a real body.

  THE TRUTH: The legend may be based on something that happened in the early 1940s. A robber named Elmer McCurdy was killed by a band of outlaws. After the funeral home embalmed him, the undertaker decided to charge people a nickel to see him. Visitors stuffed nickels in McCurdy’s mouth for years—until one day, when his “brothers” showed up to claim his body. Actually, the men weren’t related to McCurdy. They were carnies searching for a new sideshow prop. McCurdy’s body spent years in fun houses, amusement parks, and wax museums before someone discovered he was a real corpse. In 1977, he was finally laid to rest in an Oklahoma cemetery.

  THE ALBINO ALLIGATORS

  THE STORY GOES: A family from New York City went on vacation in Florida. The kids brought home a suitcase full of adorable baby alligators. But when the alligators got bigger and nastier, the people didn’t want to deal with them and so they flushed them down the toilet. Some of the alligators survived and began living and breeding in the sewers, where they produced a race of giant, mutant, albino super-alligators. To this day, albino alligators lurk in New York City’s sewer system.

  THE TRUTH: In 1935, a newspaper reported that several New York City boys who were shoveling snow into a manhole discovered an alligator in the sewer. After they got the gator out, it snapped at them. The frightened boys killed it with their shovels. Did the alligator actually live in the sewer? Not likely. According to a New York sewer-management worker, there isn’t enough food underground for alligators to survive. “The vast majority of it has been, to put it as delicately as possible, pre-digested,” he said.

  •••

  THE BLOB

  An Uncle John’s Eerily Twisted Tale!

  SPLASH! SNEED SENT ANOTHER WAVE of water over the side of the bathtub. “Battleship attack!” he said as he used his new model battleship to sink a cruiser.

  “Sneed! Are you making a mess in that bathroom?”

  “No, Mom!” Sneed hollered.

  “Make sure you clean everything, including that tub,” barked his mom. “No bathtub rings!”

  Splash! “Battleship attack!” said Sneed.

  If Sneed hadn’t been so busy making a mess in the bathroom, he might have noticed a light streak across the evening sky. He might have made a wish, thinking it was a shooting star. But Sneed would have been very, very wrong. The strange green glowing object landed in the field behind Sneed’s house. It lay still for a moment, and then…it began to stretch and ooze and seep toward Sneed’s house. It splootched across the yard and squelched up the side of the house to the bathroom window.

  As Sneed toweled off, he watched the dirt-scum soapsuds swirl down the drain. “The ring’s not that bad,” he said. Then the light in the bathroom began to change to a weird glowing green. “Ahh!” yelled Sneed as the green blob flowed over the windowsill and plopped into the bathtub. It coated the sides of the tub until the whole thing glowed green. “Mom!” Sneed yelled. “There’s something gross in the bathtub!”

  “There’s always something gross in the bathtub after you’ve used it!” his mom yelled back. “Clean that ring!”

  There was no way Sneed was getting near that thing. But then, he noticed something. The green blob had his model. It had taken Sneed a whole week to make that battleship. “Gimme that!”

  Sneed reached for his model, but the blob oozed over the side of the tub and shot out the bathroom window. Sneed rushed downstairs, towel flapping, and chased the blob along his street. Dogs howled, cats yowled, and people screamed in horror: “Call the police!” “Call the fire department!” “Call the Marines!”

  “Gimme back my battleship!” Sneed yelled.

  The blob rounded the corner and headed toward Main Street. As it passed the movie theater, it absorbed spilled popcorn tubs and empty soda cups. Then, just before Sneed lost sight of it, it zipped into the grocery store. “Stop that blob. It has my model!” he shouted.

  Crash! Bang! Wham! Within seconds, the store manager, the cashier, and a line of customers ran shrieking from the building. They left behind a trail of broken jars, dented cans, and smashed produce. Sneed tracked the blob by the sparkling floor it left in its wake as it absorbed the debris. He caught up with the blob in the frozen-food aisle.

  “Frozen-food attack!” he yelled as he chucked bags of frozen corn and carrots and peas at the blob. The blob absorbed bag after bag, growing larger and glowing brighter with each one. “Still won’t give me my model?” Sneed sprinted to the produce section and hoisted the biggest watermelon he could find. He lugged it back to the frozen-food aisle and let it fly. “Watermelon attack!”

  The blob sucked the watermelon into its ooze, growing bigger and glowing greener. Then it rose up and lunged at Sneed. “Ahhh!” Sneed yelled. He ran past the dairy section and the deli and the meat department until he couldn’t run anymore. “I’m done for.” Sneed panted. Then he noticed which aisle he was on—the cleaning product aisle. He’d tried everything else. Why not?

  “Cleaner attack!” Sneed grabbed a can of Mr. Clean and starting spraying the blob. This time, instead of getting bigger, the blob burped and whistled like a balloon losing air. Pretty soon, the blob had shrunk to the size of a frozen pea.

  “That’s the end of you,” Sneed told the pea-size blob as he picked up his battleship. Outside the store, a crowd waved and cheered. Sneed took a bow.

  “Sneed!” His mom ran in. “They told me you were fighting a green-blob monster! Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, Mom,” Sneed told her.

  “And how did you get our tub so clean? It sparkles.”

  Sneed’s eyes widened. For the first time, he really noticed how clean the store was after the blob’s “attack.” He scooped up the pea blob. “So that’s what you were up to!” He closed his fist around the pea blob and raised it high. “You and me, buddy. Bathtub-ring attack!”

  THE END

  BATHROOM SHRIEKS

  When you gotta go…go with the “E-e-e-ek!”

  • GLOW-IN-THE-DARK TOILET PAPER. Avoid the blinding glare of bright lights on nighttime bathroom visits with toilet paper that glows eerily green in the dark. Also useful for power outages, camping trips, and glow-in-the-dark mummy costumes. ($6.99)

  • BLOOD-BATH SHOWER CURTAIN. If the bloody handprints smeared down the front of this shower curtain don’t make you think of Psycho—Alfred Hitchcock’s classic horror movie—then you’re probably not allowed to see R-rated movies yet. Trust us when we say this curtain will make your parents’ hearts pound. ($19.99. Matching bloody-footprint bath mat sold separately.)

  • SKELETON TOILET-PAPER HOLDER. A hollow-eyed skeleton grins above bony hands that helpfully hold a T.P. roll between them. ($13.55)

  • ZOMBIE-HAND TOILET TOPPER. Looks like a rotting hand coming up out of a blood-filled toilet bowl. To use, just peel off the backing and stick it to the lid. It’s removable (so maybe Mom won’t kill you). And reusable (so you can scare Dad’s socks off, too!). ($5.52)

  THE HAIRY TRUTH

  Legends say that to become a werewolf, you have to be bitten by one. Medical science begs to differ.

  WOLFING OUT

  In 2009, Dr. Ken Walker came home from a vacation in the Caribbean with what looked like a really good tan. Then his finger and toenails started falling off. Dark bristly hair sprouted along his cheekbones. Was Walker turning into a werewolf? No. But he had a condition that may be where werewolf legends came from. It’s called porphyria cutanea tarda, and it’s a blood disease with symptoms that may sound familiar to werewolf (and vampire) enthusiasts.

  DARK NEWS

  Por
phyria sufferers are highly sensitive to light. Going out during the day can cause blisters or even burns to the skin. As the burns heal, they leave scars. Sometimes hair begins to grow on the scarred areas, especially on the face. The hair growth may be the body’s way of protecting the skin from more damage.

  Luckily for Dr. Walker, he lives in an age when the body’s biochemistry is understood. If he’d been born before the 1900s, he might have been hunted down as a werewolf. “I turned into a strange-colored man with weird facial hair who had to avoid the sun,” Dr. Walker said. “No wonder porphyria is often thought to be the medical condition behind such myths as werewolves and vampires.”

  BLOODY CLUES

  The disease is caused when the body doesn’t have enough of a certain kind of enzyme in the liver. That enzyme converts porphyrins (natural red and purple pigments found in animals and plants) into heme (part of the oxygen-carrying hemoglobin in blood cells). Instead of changing, porphyrins pile up until they reach toxic levels.

  The disease isn’t passed to its victims by a wolf bite. Triggers include certain drugs, smoking, and excess drinking (in Dr. Walker’s case, wine was the culprit). Too much stress, fasting, and chemicals can also cause red and purple pigment pileups. The final trigger? Exposure to the sun. (Yikes!)

  •••

  Dinner was served for three

  At Dracula’s house by the sea,

  The hors d’oeuvres were fine,

  But I choked on my wine

  When I learned that the main course was me!

  —lyrics from Dinner with Drac by John Zacherle

  BEASTLY BIG

  We’re really glad the Ice Age ended 10,000 years ago. Why? Because of the super-sized animals. See how many beasts you can match with their descriptions.

  1. Eight feet long and heavier than today’s black bears, these water-dwellers had six-inch teeth that looked like a hippo’s.

  2. These 800-pounders would lie in wait for camels or mastodons to lumber by. Then they’d spring from the bushes and sink their 10-inch-long canine teeth into their victims’ necks.

  3. They hunted in packs and used their massive rear teeth for tearing off chunks of flesh and crushing bones. Then they swallowed those chunks of bison or giant sloths whole.

  4. On its hind legs, the largest and most powerful Ice Age land predator in North America stood 11.5 feet tall. It had powerful upper-body strength and long arms ending in 8-inch claws: the better to reach out and slash open whatever it wanted to eat.

  5. This Ice Age fatty waddled in at 4,000 lbs. Bony shielding covered most of its body and protected it from predators. So did the massive mace-like club on the end of its tail.

  A. saber-tooth cats, B. giant short-faced bear, C. giant beavers, D. the gigantic armadillo-like glyptodon, E. dire wolves.

  Answers on page 286.

  TURN A HAT INTO A HORROR

  Need to wear something terrifying on your head? Don’t worry—Uncle John’s got you covered.

  BLOODY EYEBALL HAT

  WHAT YOU NEED: Any type of hat, an old ping-pong ball, markers, a sharp pencil, about 6 inches of thin red ribbon, a needle and thread

  WHAT TO DO: Draw an iris and pupil on the ping-pong ball and color them in. Add red squiggles around the iris to make the eyeball look bloodshot. Carefully poke a small hole into the opposite side of the eyeball with the pencil. Tie a knot or two at one end of the red ribbon, and use the pencil to push the knot through the hole so it’s inside the eyeball. (The ball should hang if you hold the opposite end of the ribbon.) Thread the needle and secure it to the free end of the red ribbon. Sew that end of the ribbon onto the top of your hat so that the bloody eyeball hangs down. Tie a tight knot when you’re done.

  THE GHOST HEAD

  WHAT YOU NEED: White stocking cap with rounded (not pointed) top, scissors, black felt, and fabric glue

  WHAT TO DO: Cut two black ovals out of the felt. They’ll be your ghost’s eyes. Glue the eyes near the top of the hat. Your ghost hat is done! Pull the cap down over your forehead and the ghost floats on your head.

  SKULL HAT VARIATION: Want to make a skull instead of a ghost? No problem. Keep the black felt eyes. Also cut two narrow nose strips and three or four rectangular teeth from the black felt. Glue the nose strips close together below the eyes and the teeth evenly spaced along the bottom of the hat.

  ZOMBIE BARBIE HAT

  WHAT YOU NEED: An old hat with a wide sturdy brim, a few Barbie-type dolls that have seen better days, fine-tip markers, scissors, and strong craft glue.

  WHAT TO DO: First, pull off the dolls’ heads. (Sorry, Barbies!) Rip some hair from each head to give it that “undead head” look. Use the markers to draw stitches on the dolls’ foreheads, darken their eyes, and put red squiggles around their faces so they look like they’re dripping blood. Glue the heads around the hat brim. Let the glue dry for several hours.

  BODY-PARTS VARIATION: If fewer Barbies are available, try a little dismemberment. Pull off arms and legs as well as heads. Use the markers to zombify the body parts, and then glue them to the hat brim.

  •••

  FEAR FACTOR: Estimated number of documented Bigfoot sightings since 1958: 1,500.

  SCARY-STUPID CRIMINALS

  It’s hard to believe crooks can be this dumb. But—believe us—they can.

  SORRY. . .WE’RE CLOSED

  On April 4, 2012, Olga Perdomo walked into the Albany Bank and Trust on West Lawrence Avenue in Chicago and handed a note to one of the tellers. The time: 5:00 p.m. The note demanded “all of your money, no cops, no dye pack.” After reading the note, the quick-thinking teller told the woman that 5:00 p.m. was closing time and she’d have to come back the next day. The woman left the bank, empty-handed. She was arrested a few days later when she was spotted outside the bank once again.

  PLUMB DUMB

  At about 1:30 on a Thursday afternoon, Utica, New York, police responded to a report of a bank robbery in progress. It was the third attempted robbery of the day, and this perp had the same MO. He screamed obscenities, demanded that bank employees put money in a bag, and threatened them with…the sticky end of a toilet plunger. Police chased down and arrested 49-year-old Lawrence Deptola. His “weapon” was found in the bank.

  CAUGHT ON CAMERA

  When Roderick Ward of Newton County, Georgia, returned home from a 10-day trip, he spotted something odd—a dog collar in the bathroom. Ward doesn’t have a dog. “There was dog hair everywhere, so I was like, ‘Somebody done wash the dog in my house!’” Ward told police. Besides bathing their dog, the burglars had also hosted a birthday party. The evidence? Ward found a half-eaten birthday cake in his kitchen and a camera full of party pictures they’d left behind. Police identified two teens and a young child in the photos and contacted their parents. After the parents apologized—and returned two other cameras and his spare house keys—Ward decided not to press charges.

  EAT THE EVIDENCE

  An unidentified prowler shattered a window of a parked Jeep near the University of Washington, but didn’t steal anything. Instead, the vandal left behind something for the car’s owner—a dozen tortillas scattered across the floorboard. Befuddled by the break-in, police reportedly said, “The Seattle Police Department would like to take this opportunity to remind car prowlers that you shouldn’t break into something that’s nachos.”

  •••

  “On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.”—Lewis Grizzard

  NO-NOGGIN GOBLINS

  These ghosts have lost more than their lives. They’ve lost their heads!

  HEADLESS ANNE. King Henry VIII of England wanted a son to be his heir to the throne. Anne Boleyn didn’t produce one. So the king accused her of witchcraft and threw her into the Tower of London, and then had her beheaded. Boleyn was executed on May 19, 1536. Some say that every year, on the anniversary of her death, Anne rides in a ghostly coach across eleven bridges near London, clutching her severed head.

&nbs
p; KNITTING BEAUTY. No crops will grow in the Sourlands region of central New Jersey. Why? Legend says the land is cursed by the headless ghost of “Knitting Betty.” Elizabeth “Betty” Wert lived in the Sourlands during the American Revolution. Her fiancé answered George Washington’s call to arms and headed off to fight the Redcoats. Day after day, Betty sat atop a rocky outcropping knitting as she waited for his return. Her beau never came home, and Betty wanted revenge. She became a spy for Washington’s Continental Army. When the Brits caught her, they chopped off her head. Seems Betty made it back home to the Sourlands. Some see a gorgeous ghost with flowing brunette hair dressed in a long blue dress. She sits on what is now called Knitting Betty’s Rock, patiently knitting as she waits. Others see a headless woman sitting on the rock. Her restless head spins and spins in her lap.

  THE HEADLESS FRENCHMAN. The French pioneer Étienne Brulé explored Pennsylvania from 1614 to 1618. He was looking for silver. But in an area known as the Twin Sisters, he found something else: angry natives who wanted the white men out of their territory. Brulé’s party was attacked, and one of his men was beheaded. Indian legend says that the headless Frenchman returns at midnight on the full moon every October, carrying his head under one arm.

  THE SCREAMING SKULL. A man named Roger Downes was killed during a drunken brawl on Tower Bridge in London in the mid-1600s. His head was cut off, and his body thrown into the River Thames. But someone was kind enough to send his head to his sister. She lived at her family’s mansion, Wardley Hall. For some ghastly reason, she decided to display the head on the top step of a staircase. In time, the flesh rotted away, leaving only the skull. Downes’s relatives no longer live in the hall, but new owners just can’t get rid of his skull. It screams in protest when moved (or disrespected, according to one guest). The skull has been buried, burned, and smashed. Yet it always ends up back in its place on the stairs.