Uncle John's the Haunted Outhouse Bathroom Reader for Kids Only!

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  DEAD ZONES

  Huge areas in the world’s waters now have almost no life. No fish swimming. No seaweed waving. Here’s the story.

  DEAD ZONE: The Gulf of Mexico

  The zone in the Gulf of Mexico changes from year to year, but sometimes it’s as big as 8,500 square miles. (That’s the size of New Jersey!)

  THE VICTIMS: Fish, turtles, and other sea creatures

  THE CULPRIT: Fertilizer runoff from farmland in U.S. states along the Mississippi River. Fertilizer used in modern farming is loaded with nitrogen. Nitrogen promotes huge “blooms” of algae: Millions of the tiny plant-like organisms fill the water. When algae die, they sink to the bottom. Microbes gobble them up and form “bacterial mats” that release toxic gases. The result: not enough oxygen for fish and other aquatic creatures to breathe. They leave the area or suffocate to death.

  CHANCE OF RECOVERY: Weather can affect the size of the Gulf’s dead zone. In 2011, scientists expected the zone to reach its largest size ever because of the considerable flooding that spring along the Mississippi. But high winds from Tropical Storm Don churned up the water, helping to replenish some of the oxygen. The dead zone remained huge, but it didn’t reach the record size that was anticipated. A year later, in 2012, very dry weather caused a drought in farming regions along the Mississippi, and the dead zone was reduced to about 3,000 square miles—less than half its usual size. Scientists were mildly encouraged to see such a big effect from just one season of reduced nitrogen from fertilizer runoff. “If we could find some way to stop all that nitrate from going down the river, the problem would be solved in a year or two,” said an aquatic ecologist from the University of Michigan.

  DEAD ZONE: The Black Sea

  In the 1980s, this zone was the largest in the world—the size of Switzerland.

  THE VICTIMS: Mussels, crabs, fish, sea grasses

  THE CULPRIT: Detergents from wastewater, fertilizers, air pollution. During the 1960s, ’70s, and ’80s, the flow of nitrogen and phosphorus into Europe’s Danube River doubled. Most came from fertilizer, air pollution, and detergents in wastewater from cities in Communist countries such as East Germany, Romania, Bulgaria, and Hungary. In 1989, Communism collapsed. Fertilizer became so expensive, farmers had to cut down on its use. Within a few years, the dead zone had mostly disappeared.

  CHANCE OF RECOVERY: “It’s a clear first—a successful reversal of dead zones,” says Andrew Hudson, of UN Oceans, an environmental group established by the United Nations. As the Black Sea became healthier, many species rebounded. The fertilizer reductions were unintentional, but the countries recognized the benefits and have worked to reduce other forms of pollution.

  PUMPKIN GAMES

  Even when it’s not Halloween, pumpkins have their uses!

  PIG SHOOT. Paint a few pumpkins to look like Angry Birds and a few more to look like the birds’ mortal enemies—pigs! That’s what 12-year-old Sam Beards did. The budding British engineer used a compressed air cannon to blast pumpkin Birds at pumpkin Pigs propped up on planks on the other side of a field. “It’s great fun, and beats the Internet version by a mile,” Sam says. But don’t get in their way: these Birds fly at up to 500 mph.

  PUMPKIN DROP. Every year, Society of Physics students at Harvard College test Isaac Newton’s Theory of Gravity. How? “By throwing pumpkins off a roof,” explained SPS vice president, Tom S. Rice. First they use liquid nitrogen to freeze the pumpkins. Then they climb to the top of the Jefferson Building on campus, and…Banzai! They drop the pumpkins. Witnesses say pumpkins frozen using liquid nitrogen burst “with a satisfying ‘pop’ into hundreds of still-smoking shards.”

  PUMPKIN BOWLING. Folks in Minnesota save their pumpkin fun for New Year’s Day. They store a few fall pumpkins in the freezer. Come winter, they fill empty plastic-soda bottles with water and stick them in a snowbank to freeze. Then they shovel off a driveway, set up the frozen pop bottles like bowling pins, and…hurl a rock-hard frozen pumpkin toward them. Strike!

  CHUNK A PUNKIN. In the 1980s, John Ellsworth, a blacksmith in Bridgeville, Delaware, liked to test his strength against that of his friends. How? They threw the anvils lying around his shop. “It’s a tricky game, and a young man’s one at that,” Ellsworth said. “We got so we could still do it, but it hurt.” When he hit his thirties, Ellsworth decided to stop flinging anvils and build a catapult to launch…pumpkins! There are four basic rules for a Punkin Chunkin’ contest: 1) the pumpkin must weigh at least 8 pounds, 2) it can’t split apart until it hits the ground, 3) the catapult can’t cross the throwing line, and 4) the pumpkins can’t be stuffed with anything (like straw, or metal, or…explosives). The pumpkin that flies the farthest wins. Punkin Chunkin’ may be the only pumpkin sport with its very own theme song:

  Mine eyes have seen the glory of the

  flinging of the gourd,

  Which began years ago by some

  guys who were a little bored.

  As they shot their fateful pumpkins they cried,

  “Let me win, Dear Lord.”

  Their hope is ever strong.

  Glory, Glory, Punkin Chunkin’

  Their hope is ever strong.

  —Sheila Cicchi (also known as Brownielocks)

  NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

  This monster tale is true!

  IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT . . .

  One dreary night in 1816, a handful of writers huddled by a fire, listening to a storm rage outside. The friends often got together to read ghost stories, but on this night, one of them—a poet named Lord Byron—challenged the others to a scary-story writing contest. They all took pen to paper and began, but only one of them ever finished. She was the youngest writer in the room—just 19 years old—and her name was Mary Shelley.

  Mary’s spooky tale was published as a novel two years later. The book was so terrifying, many people doubted that a teenage girl could have written it. Some thought her husband—a poet named Percy—wrote it. (He didn’t.) The story is grisly—it’s about a scientist named Victor who builds a creature by fusing dead bodies together. Everyone the monster meets treats him cruelly, so he murders the scientist and the scientist’s family.

  Sound familiar? It should: Mary Shelley’s fictional monster was named after its creator: Victor Frankenstein. Despite all of its gruesome parts (or maybe because of them), Frankenstein became a huge success.

  A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT . . . THE SEQUEL

  Mary Shelley died in 1851, but if she were alive today, she’d probably be proud of the legacy her novel has left behind. Frankenstein has been adapted dozens of times into plays, movies, comics, songs, commercials, video games, and other books.

  Some of the most popular movie adaptations feature actor Boris Karloff playing the monster. Karloff starred as the creature in three films during the 1930s: Frankenstein, Bride of Frankenstein, and Son of Frankenstein. In each of the movies, he’s dressed as a tall hulking man-like monster with a broad forehead and clamps coming out of his neck. To play the part, Karloff wore four-inch platform shoes that weighed in at 26 pounds. He also had a square-shaped block stuck to his skull by makeup artists. The block was designed by artist Jack Pierce, who spent months studying anatomy and surgery for inspiration.

  “I figured that Frankenstein, who was a scientist but no practicing surgeon, would take the simplest way [to] put in a brain. That is the reason I decided to make the monster’s head square and flat like a shoebox and dig that big scar across his forehead with the metal clamps holding it together,” said Pierce.

  Karloff did not enjoy dressing up for the part. “I spent three and a half hours in the makeup chair getting ready for the day’s work,” he said. “The makeup itself was quite painful. There were days when I thought I would never be able to hold out until the end of the day!”

  ATTACK OF THE KILLER PEANUT

  An Uncle John’s Eerily Twisted Tale!

  SOME PEOPLE THINK my life is terrifying. Why? Because I see things nobody else can see. Don’t get
me wrong. I don’t see dead people everywhere (or anywhere, for that matter). I don’t see ghosts or zombies or werewolves or vampires. Nope. I see how people will die.

  Let me give you an example. Yesterday, I was at the grocery store with my mom. At the checkout line, I looked at the girl who rang up our groceries. She was probably only a few years older than I am. She was smiling at us, scanning bags of frozen peas, and asking how our day was going. Then I saw an elephant stomp on her face. I kid you not. An elephant! As we left the store, I leaned in close and whispered, “This is very important—watch out for elephants.” She looked at me as if I was crazy. I get that a lot.

  People who know about my ability usually ask me all the same questions, so I’ll just answer them for you right now:

  1.Can you see your own death?

  No.

  2.Do you see everyone’s death?

  No, and I don’t have much control over it.

  3.Can people’s deaths be changed?

  Now that’s the million-dollar question.

  For years, I’ve been worrying about my best friend, Kaia. When we met, I saw a vision of her keeling over in the cafeteria after eating a peanut. I told her about it right away because she didn’t look much older in the vision. She thought I was crazy. “Alicia,” she said. “I’m not even allergic to peanuts.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked. “You might want to get that checked out.”

  “Of course I’m sure! I eat peanut butter like every single day!”

  “Well, I think you’re going to develop a peanut allergy soon. This is important! You cannot let a peanut kill you!” I kind of yelled the last part, and people in the hallway started staring at us, so I eased up after that.

  But I still got nervous at lunchtime, especially when Kaia wore her favorite pink shirt. It was the shirt she was wearing in my vision, so I just knew her peanut allergy was going to strike when she had it on. She thought it was funny that I got so nervous, so she would go out of her way to drive me crazy.

  “Mmmmm,” she would say as she took a gigantic bite of peanut-butter sandwich. Then she would pretend to grab her throat and fall dead on the ground. She did this so often that I started to feel a little less scared, especially when no peanuts were in sight. So I wasn’t concerned on the day we shared a bag of trail mix at lunch, even though she was wearing her pink shirt. I scooped out a handful of dried cherries and chocolate chips and passed the bag to Kaia. “Did you do your English homework?” I asked.

  She shoveled some trail mix into her mouth and mumbled something unintelligible before passing the bag back to me.

  I rooted around for more chocolate chips. “Hmm?” I mumbled. No reply, so I keep rooting.

  Then Kaia smacked me on the shoulder. I looked up. Her face was blue. I looked down at the bag again. There were peanuts in the trail mix!

  I jumped to my feet. “Allergies!” I shrieked. “Help!”

  Kaia shook her head desperately and grabbed my shirt. She pointed to her throat. I wondered why she wasn’t talking. Then it hit me—she wasn’t allergic! She was choking!

  “Holy peanut butter!” I said. “Dial 911! Emergency!” I waved my arms and then sprang into action. A few months earlier, a Red Cross representative had come to school to teach us first aid, including the Heimlich maneuver—but did I remember how to do it?

  I grabbed Kaia from behind and clasped my hands at her upper belly. I pushed as hard as I could. Nothing happened. Kaia started drooping toward the floor. You saw this coming, I thought. Now you have to change it.

  I pushed one more time as hard as I could and watched a spit-covered peanut fly out of Kaia’s mouth. She dropped to the floor and gasped.

  “Are you okay?!” I cried.

  Kaia wheezed for another minute, then she managed a weak smile and reached up to put a hand on my shoulder. “Told you I wasn’t allergic to peanuts,” she rasped.

  THE END

  •••

  MONSTER MANIA

  A few riddles about our favorite monsters.

  Q: What do you get when you cross the Swamp Thing with peanut butter?

  A: Something disgusting that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

  Q: What is the Loch Ness Monster’s favorite meal?

  A: Fish and ships.

  Q: How can you tell if Godzilla is a meat-eater or a plant-eater?

  A: Lie down on a plate and see what happens.

  Q: Do zombies smell as rotten as they look?

  A: Only a phew.

  Q: What kind of tablet did the Cyclops buy?

  A: An iPad.

  Q: What did Count Dracula say when his son kept asking riddles?

  A: You drive me batty!

  Q: Who attends plays at Pyramid Elementary?

  A: Mummies and Deadies.

  DÍA DE LOS MUERTOS

  A special day to party with the dead!

  FIVE HUNDRED YEARS AGO, Spanish Conquistadors showed up in what is now Mexico. They found the natives mocking death with a month-long celebration. The party was presided over by the goddess Mictecacihuatl, the “Lady of the Dead.” Seems the native peoples believed the souls of the dead returned each year to enjoy the company of living relatives.

  The Spanish did their best to stop the practice, but had to settle for shortening the celebration. Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) now spans November 1–2. Families decorate gravesites of deceased relatives with flowers—the brighter the better—and with candles…lots and lots of candles. And they bring food: iced pan de muertos (Day of the Dead bread) shaped like leaves or cats or ducks, and yummy sugar skulls. Each skull has the name of a dead relative on its forehead and gets eaten to remember the deceased.

  Hispanic families in the United States party with the dead, too. “We offer incense and flowers. We play their favorite music, make their favorite food,” said Arizona artist Zarco Guerrero. But watch out partygoers! The Walt Disney Company is trying to trademark “Día de los Muertos” for a movie due out in 2015.

  THE GROSS GOURMET

  One person’s gross-out is another person’s delicacy.

  •In Japan, digger wasps aren’t just insects that sting and paralyze their prey—they’re a tasty treat! About 120 miles outside of Tokyo, digger wasps are harvested, boiled, and then baked (bodies intact) into wafer-thin wasp crackers! (Yum!)

  •Two canned foods top the delicacy lists in Korea and Thailand: canned chrysalis (the shell in which a caterpillar becomes a butterfly) and canned scorpion.

  •“Bishop’s nose” is a favorite treat in Manila, the Phillipines. What is it? Chicken butt—it’s the fattest part of the chicken, and fat makes anything taste good.

  •In the Appalachian Mountains of the U.S., squirrel brains have been on the menu for decades. Warning: eating squirrel brains has been linked to a form of mad cow disease, so this delicacy is not recommended.

  •Casu Marzu might win the award for “grossest food ever.” It’s a cheese made in the region of Sardinia in Italy. What makes it so tasty? Maggots. These fly larva are allowed on the cheese to help ferment or create it. But then they stick around—even when the cheese is eaten. Maggot cheese has been officially outlawed, but if you can deal with larva jumping off your meal—up to 6 inches high—Bon appétit!

  HAPPY HOWL-O-WEEN!

  Some Halloween costumes are just really bad ideas.

  PERMANENT PIRATE

  There are ways to attach a pirate’s eyepatch that aren’t harmful, like tying it around your head or sticking it on with eyelash glue. In 2010, one 45-year-old man thought he had a better idea: using Super Glue to add the finishing touches to his pirate costume. He wound up in the emergency room with an eyepatch superglued to his face.

  SNAGGLETOOTH

  In 2004, a 10-year-old girl wasn’t content with the bite-on plastic fangs that most Halloween costume stores sell. She thought it would be cooler to glue plastic fangs on top of her real front teeth. It took an emergency trip to the dentist to pry these fangs off.

  BA
RBECUED SHEEP

  When a 28-year-old Lewiston, Maine, man made his own sheep costume for Halloween, he thought cotton balls would make perfect sheep’s wool. They did—until he brushed up against someone smoking a cigarette at a party. He found out the hard way that cotton balls aren’t fire resistant. The costume went up in flames. And the sheered sheep went to the hospital for burn treatment.

  SLICK HAIR

  When her son decided to dress up as a vampire for Halloween, a woman in New Bedford, Massachusetts, used Vaseline to slick down his hair. It worked very well—until she tried to wash it off. “I must have washed his hair five hundred times,” she said. The problem: Vaseline is waterproof. “I just kept washing his head and washing his head,” said Mom. “He was miserable.”

  KNOCK, KNOCK . . .

  When someone knocked on her classroom door in 2011, a Massachusetts high school teacher asked a 15-year-old student to open it. Outside the door: a man in a mask carrying what looked like a running chainsaw. The student freaked. He jumped back, tripped, fell, and broke his kneecap. The jokester? Another teacher. The punchline? The student’s family sued for $100,000.

  THIS UNCLE STINKS!

  During a 2012 Halloween bash, a Pennsylvania man spotted what he thought was a skunk lying motionless in the yard, grabbed his shotgun, and…shot it. Problem? It wasn’t a skunk. It was his 9-year-old niece. The kids at the party had been outside playing a game of hide-and-seek. The victim was wearing a black costume with a black hat sporting a white feather tassel. She’s going to recover. He’s going on trial for assault and reckless endangerment.