Derailed

by Alyssa Rose Ivy

  “No, it’s okay. Go ahead, I’ll just walk home or make Kelly drive me.”

  Kelly rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t have to make me.”

  “All right. It’s going to be really late, so don’t wait up.” Ben smiled. He loved saying things like that. Although I had initially planned to resist his offer to start spending nights at his place, I’d caved easily. We weren’t living together exactly because I kept most of my stuff at my parents’ house, but I hadn’t spent a night alone since Shayna went back to Seattle. We’d fallen into a comfortable routine, and I hoped it wouldn’t change anytime soon.

  Ben left, and I spent another hour chatting with Kelly before she drove me the short distance home. Tom was leaving to spend the night at Gavin’s because Kelly insisted that they sleep separately the night before the wedding. As modern as Kelly could be, she still had some old fashioned girl in her.

  “Sleep well, bride-to-be.” I reached over to hug her before getting out of the car.

  “I doubt I’ll sleep at all, but I’ll try.”

  “So you want me over at eleven, right?’

  “Yes, but feel free to come earlier.”

  “All right, good night.”

  ***

  Ben was still at rehearsal with his band when the email showed up. The time stamp was listed as 12:00 a.m. on the dot, but I didn’t check it until 12:04. I’m not usually such a detail oriented person, but I’d never forget that it took me four minutes to see it.

  The name jumped out at me, stabbing at my heart and making me feel light headed. My first thought was that it was a cruel joke. It wasn’t until I got up the nerve to open the email that I realized it for what it was—his note.

  Dear Molly,

  This is probably going to be a hard day for you, or at least I think it will be. I don’t know if you ever wanted to marry me, but I know you don’t want to now. You may have convinced yourself you wanted to postpone it because we don’t have the money, but you can’t fool me. I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re in denial.

  I never thought things would turn out like this. I was supposed to be living it up, making an impression at the firm. Instead, my job’s maybe a month away from gone. We were supposed to be in love, but that part’s only half true. I love you, but I don’t believe you actually love me. I’ve tried to figure out if there’s someone else—but I don’t think there is. I think there’s just the idea of someone else.

  I know you probably won’t understand my decision, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be a failure.

  I hope you find your happily ever after one day—you deserve it.

  I’ll always love you.

  Adam

  I didn’t make it to the bathroom. I got sick right there on the kitchen floor. I had a fleeting thought that at least it wasn’t the carpet. The good thing about the mess was that it kept me momentarily distracted. I got out the mop and made a bucket of cleaner. The floor was spotless when the contents of the email finally set in.

  I poured myself a cranberry vodka. The second glass didn’t even have cranberry juice. The alcohol numbed the pain a little, but not enough. I took an extra swig straight from the bottle. I wanted Ben, but I wasn’t sure how I could face him. It was one thing when I could pretend it wasn’t my fault—but I had my proof. What kind of person sends his fiancé his suicide note on their wedding day? I couldn’t believe he’d had the wherewithal to do it. I couldn’t believe he’d made me wait so long.

  I had my note. It should have felt like closure. That’s all I’d wanted with my dad—closure. But somehow this note didn’t make things any better. I only felt worse. Drunk, angry, and unwilling to sit in the house any longer, I went out. I was in no shape to drive, so I walked. I wasn’t sure where I was headed, but I kept going. I was halfway out of town when I realized where I was.

  Remnants of a party were spewed all over the grass beside the tracks. A whole case of empty beer bottles rattled as I pushed over the box to sit on it. I guess these kids were neat enough to put them back in the cardboard. We never were. I heard the faint sound of a train whistle in the distance.

  I used to love hanging out at the tracks up by the crossing; it was as good a place as any to party. Plus, it had the added bonus of the ultimate dare. We’d all stand on the tracks when we heard the first warning of the freight train approaching. The last one standing on the tracks won. I always won—every single time. While everyone else jumped off as soon as the whistle got louder, I waited until I could feel the train. I knew that you got a nice head start with the vibrations before you could see the light.

  I wondered if I still had the nerve. I stood up and walked over to the tracks, balancing on a rail. The whistle sounded again, but I still didn’t feel anything. I thought about how much had changed since the last time I’d stood there. I looked over a few feet to where the white cross with my Dad’s name stood out in the moonlight.

  The vibrations started—mild at first, then increasing—but I stood my ground. I looked ahead of me, wondering how long it would take before the light of the train would come into sight. A whistle sounded loudly, and I knew it would soon come around the bend. I’d never held out this long. My friends would have been freaking out by now—begging me to stop messing around. They weren’t there this time.

  The light was brighter than I’d expected, and I froze for a second, shivering as I realized how little stood between me and that train—or really how nothing did. Kind of how nothing stood between life and death. The whistle blew again, and the light was almost on me.

  For a brief moment, I wondered what would happen if I didn’t move. Could all the misery finally end? Then I remembered Ben—I saw his brown eyes and his smile.

  I jumped off, falling to my knees as the large freight train lumbered past. The noise was deafening as I watched car after car. I had a fleeting thought of what would happen if I jumped on. Was there really anywhere else I wanted to be? The answer was simple—no. Running away wasn’t going to dull the pain. I’d learned that already.

  Once the last car disappeared into the distance, I returned to the case of empty beer bottles. I pulled one out and threw it onto the track, loving the release from smashing the glass into tiny pieces. I picked up another one and did the same thing. And then another. The next one bounced off. I bent down to retrieve it and sliced my hand. It didn’t seem like a deep cut at first, but it started oozing blood and hurt like hell. I slunk down in the grass—just wanting all the pain to end.

  I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and speed dialed Ben’s number, hoping he heard it even if he was still practicing.

  “Hello?”

  “I need you.” I broke into sobs.

  “Where are you?”

  “The crossing.”

  “I’m on my way. Don’t hang up.” I could hear the panic in his voice.

  I heard him muffle a few words to his band mates and then a door slamming closed. “I’m on my way.”

  I didn’t say anything, unable to talk through my hysterics.

  “I’m coming, I’m coming.” He said it over and over. I lay down on the grass, looking up at the stars.

  I heard his truck drive onto the shoulder and then he was there, pulling me into his lap. “Molly, what’s wrong? What are you doing here?”

  “You came.”

  “Of course I did. I’m never making that mistake again. What happened?” He took off his t-shirt and wrapped my hand in it.

  I handed him my phone, hitting the email icon. I’d never closed out of the message.

  Ben read it. “What a fucking bastard.”

  “I know. I mean, I know he was sick or something, but to send me this? He knew what it would do to me.”

  “Don’t let it do it. Don’t let it hurt you.”

  “That’s easy for you to say. What do you know about living with guilt like this?”

  “I may not know about guilt, but I sure as hell know about regret.”

  “What do you mean?” />
  “I fucked up and lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and it took five years to get you back.”

  “You didn’t mess up. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I only called once.”

  “Yeah, and I didn’t pick up.”

  “Because you couldn’t hear it.”

  “That’s not true.” He pulled me closer against him, like he was afraid I’d disappear if he didn’t hold tight. “I heard it ring. I didn’t want to pick up.”

  “Why not?” I pulled away slightly so I could look up at him, noticing what might have been tears in his eyes.

  “I didn’t want to listen to the nagging. You were so down on me for getting high, and I didn’t want you to ruin it for me.”

  “Oh.” I didn’t know what to say. Compared to everything else that night, it didn’t shock me.

  “So, if you want to blame yourself for Adam or your Dad, I can’t stop you, but what you need to realize is that we all screw up sometimes.”

  “Screwing up doesn’t quite cover making people kill themselves.”

  “That’s because you didn’t make anyone do anything. You need to accept that. Adam made his own decision—he even said as much. And who knows with your dad—it could have just been an accident, but that isn’t the point. You want to feel badly for fighting with your dad, or hurting Adam because you weren’t in love with him, that’s fine, but that’s where it ends.” Ben squeezed my hand.

  “You should have had a chance to apologize to your dad, and Adam should have dealt. Sure, it might have been heartbreaking to realize you didn’t return his feelings anymore, but I can say from experience that isn’t a reason to end your life.”

  “No, it’s not.” I thought about the moment on the track, how close the train came and how easily I could have caused the same pain I’d spent years buckling under.

  “You’re going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.”

  “I know. You came.”

  “And I’ll always come.” He stood up, helping me up with my good hand. “We need to get you home and take care of that cut.”

  “Home. I like that.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  With hair and makeup done, Daniela and I zipped each other up in our light green, strapless bridesmaid dresses before going to help Kelly’s mom get her into her wedding gown. Satin and tea length, the dress fit Kelly perfectly. She glowed and looked like the princess every girl should on her wedding day. The photographer came in to take some pictures while we all laughed, reminiscing about how Kelly had been planning her wedding since she was twelve years old. Kelly had a beautiful day for a wedding. It was sunny without a cloud in the sky.

  We left the room Kelly used to get dressed and headed toward the sanctuary. We waited right outside the door.

  “I’m so glad you’re here with me.” Kelly stopped and turned to look at me. I could tell she really meant it. Our friendship had managed to survive all the years we’d spent apart.

  Her father stood a little ways away, waiting anxiously. He shifted his weight from foot to foot. I smiled watching him. This wasn’t an easy day for him. I’m sure it’s never easy for a father to give his daughter away. My dad never got the chance to give me away. At least he’d been there for Shayna’s wedding. I forced an icy thought from my mind, determined not to let my own bitter memories interfere with Kelly’s wedding.

  Instead I focused on what was right in front of me. “Me too. I’ve missed you.”

  “Whoa, I’m going to start crying already.” She ran a finger under her eye, trying to make sure the few stray tears didn’t reach her makeup.

  “Save that for when you’re up there with Tom.”

  “You’re going to have this too one day, you know.”

  “Let’s just focus on you right now.”

  “All right.”

  We hugged before joining Daniela.

  The doors opened, signaling the beginning of the wedding. I peeked in and watched as Tom stood at the altar with his groomsmen beside him.

  As the music started, Daniela walked down the aisle. I waited in the entryway until she reached the halfway point, gazing up at the tall ceilings and enjoying the sun pouring in through the windows.

  Right on cue, I started my slow walk. An idle thought about how I was supposed to be walking down the aisle in a different capacity hit me, but I quickly pushed it away. Just like Adam had said, I didn’t actually want to marry him. Trying to give more significance to the date was self-serving and false.

  I picked up my chin, smiled, and looked around at the beautiful stained glass windows lining the side wall. When I reached the end, I took my spot and immediately found Ben sitting in a pew on Kelly’s side of the church. I gave him a small wave, filling with emotion just seeing him there looking handsome in a navy sport coat. Any doubts I had about us were gone. Ben didn’t have to worry about me running away—there was nowhere else I wanted to be.

  I held Kelly’s flowers, did a short reading, and enjoyed every moment of their beautiful and simple ceremony. I even had to fight back some tears of my own. I felt grateful to have been part of her special day, to have had the opportunity to witness Kelly live her happily ever after.

  We spent what felt like an eternity taking pictures outside, and I was probably the only one who didn’t mind the heat. Gavin and I were the only members of the bridal party who weren’t actually family, so we spent some time sitting under the awning of the church waiting to be called for a few more shots.

  “You look beautiful today.” Gavin smiled.

  “Oh. Thanks. You look nice too.” Gavin, like Tom and Kelly’s brother Cole, wore a navy suit.

  “That was a nice wedding, wasn’t it? Sometimes weddings can be long and boring, but I liked theirs.”

  “I agree. It was really nice. I’m so happy for them.” I leaned against the wall of the church as standing around in heels for a few hours started to wear on me.

  “Me too. Tom’s a lucky guy.” Gavin moved to stand next to me. “See, we can do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “Act like friends, without it being weird.”

  I looked over at him. “Yeah, it’s nice.”

  “Okay, no more using the word ‘nice’ today.”

  I laughed. “Okay, good plan.”

  We were interrupted when the photographer called us over for a big group shot. Afterward, I was excused; Gavin still had to do a few more pictures with Tom. I headed back inside.

  The reception was in another room of the church, decorated with pink and green flower arrangements as well as some pictures of the ocean I had taken over the past few weeks. It was simple, but beautiful. By the time I arrived, the cocktail hour was in full swing, and I made my way over to where Ben stood with a plate of food. Without asking, I helped myself to a cracker.

  “Hey, gorgeous, are we on stealing each other’s food terms already?”

  I laughed. “I think we’ve been there for a while.”

  “I don’t know. I take my food seriously.”

  “Yeah, but you know what I get like when I’m hungry.”

  “Very true.” He held his plate over to me. “Dig in.”

  I picked up a strawberry. “Good selections, by the way.”

  “You know I picked them with you in mind.”

  I kissed him on the cheek. “So how’d I do?”

  “Oh, you were fantastic. No tripping and you didn’t stumble over any words when you read.”

  “Good. You know there is just so much pressure on the maid of honor.”

  “Speaking of pressure, are you ready for your big speech?” Ben asked.

  “Yeah, it was pretty easy to write.”

  “By the way, you look beautiful.” He changed the subject, pushing back a strand of hair that had fallen out of my updo.

  “Thank you.”

  “Oh, here’s this.” Ben handed me the paper I had entrusted him with earlier.

  Kelly and Tom made their entrance, dancing a beautiful first
dance to Lonestar’s “Amazed.” I smiled. Kelly had always planned on making that her first dance song. I doubted Tom had any say in it. When they walked over to their sweethearts’ table, I knew it was time to make my speech.

  I stood up, accepting the microphone from the DJ, took a deep breath, and faced the crowd.

  “I’ve been lucky enough to know Kelly my whole life, or at least since age three when we started nursery school. As legend, or at least Mom legend goes, we became best friends when we arrived at school wearing the same dress. Even back then we both had good taste.” I paused for some light laugher.

  “Speaking of good taste, Kelly has had the same taste in men for a while. I actually have proof.” Kelly looked at me with a surprised expression. I unfolded the faded notebook paper Ben had carried for me all day.

  I held up the paper, knowing that no one else could actually see it, and started to read.

  Predictions: January 1, 2000

  Kelly will marry Tom Farell and have four kids, two boys and two girls. She will teach elementary school and will be neighbors with Molly. Molly will become a famous photographer, and hopefully find someone who shares her love for art, pasta, and the open water.”

  “No way! You don’t have that!” Kelly interrupted to examine the evidence. “Oh my god. I remember writing that. Where did you find it?”

  “On the floor of my closet.”

  “Wow, oh my god.” Kelly started crying what I assumed were happy tears as Tom came to walk her back to her seat.

  “So the lesson here is: Tom has a lot of work ahead of him.” I paused as the audience had another laugh. “Oh, and that some dreams do come true.” I looked out at Kelly, who was wiping her eyes.

  “Anyway, Kelly has always been a true friend to me—supportive of my decisions no matter how out there or strange they may have seemed at the time. Although we haven’t been able to see each other often over the past few years, it hasn’t changed the strength of our friendship. In all of my years of knowing Kelly, I’ve never seen her so happy. Tom, you really know how to make her glow and shine. I love you both and wish you a lifetime of joy and happiness.”