Unbearable (Undescribable)

by Tessier, Shantel

  “You guys didn’t have to come down here,” I blurt out, the first thing I could think of to fill the silence.

  “We wanted to be here for you.” Holly gives me a small smile. “We figured you could use some help.”

  “Yeah, I haven’t thought much about what I’m going to do with everything.” I take a sip of my coffee. “Thank you for coming.”

  “You don’t have to thank us, darling,” Vivian replies.

  I start to speak to her, but my eyes are drawn to Slade as he walks over to the kitchen table where Courtney and Josh are sitting. I see Josh fold up a piece of paper and place it in Courtney’s hands. My brows scrunch as I watch her hand it off to Slade. It only takes me a second to realize what it is.

  The letter from my mom.

  I feel the wind knocked out of me. How dare they pass that around like it wasn’t my mother’s final goodbye to me? I set my coffee mug down and march over to Slade.

  I snatch the note out of his hand and briskly walk out of the kitchen, fuming.

  “Angel, wait.” I hear Slade call from behind as he follows me. I choose to ignore him, stomping up the stairs and into my bedroom.

  “Angel,” Slade says softly as he comes through my door.

  “What do you think you were doing?” I whirl around to face him. “Why would you pass this around?” I feel my anger start to fade as sadness overtakes it. “Why would you let everyone read this?” I cry, as I stare down at the paper in my hand. I have always felt ashamed that my mother hadn’t wanted me, but the note proves me a fool. In a way, it seems that I didn’t want her. That I didn’t try hard enough to be with her.

  “I didn’t.” He inches closer to me and places a hand under my chin, lifting it so that I can peer into his baby blues. “Baby, I have been up here with you. I only went down there for a second. As soon as I saw everyone, I came back up here to get you. I don’t know who found it or who has even read it.” His eyes search my face. “I’m sorry.”

  I take a shaky breath and hold back the tears. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of having an empty spot in my heart. Slade and I took a big step last night and that makes me happy. I love him and I’m going to move in with him. He loves me, really loves me. I mean, he came to me, he held me, even when I was at my lowest. He gripped me tightly while his soothing voice told me it was going to be okay, that he was here for me. That he would always be there for me. And I believe every word that he said.

  I look at his messy hair, the stubble on his square jaw and his soft baby blue eyes. I have fallen madly in love with this man and he loves me back.

  “It’s okay.” I shake my head slightly. “It wasn’t your fault.”

  He frowns as he stares at me, his eyes roaming my face. “Angel, I want you to know that you don’t have to hide your feelings from me. When I said that I love you, I meant that.” He runs his thumb over my bottom lip, making my body tremble with the heat that it leaves. “I love you.”

  “I love you,” I whisper as I reach up, placing my arms around his neck. I pull him down until our lips brush. I keep it soft and sensual, although all I want to do is rip his clothes off and ravish him.

  I pull away as he watches me closely. His face is expressionless but I know he’s waiting for me to say something. “Honestly, I’m okay.”

  He stares at me a few more seconds before he nods his head.

  “I need to take a shower and get ready. I have to start getting things in order. I don’t really even know what all I need to do.”

  “I’ll help you. Whatever you need, I’ll do it. Just tell me what you need me to do.”

  I pull my shirt off, exposing my chest to him. I watch his eyes as they land on my breasts. I unbutton my jeans and slowly push them down along with my lace thong.

  I smile to myself when he parts his lips. I think this is the perfect time to finish what we started before Micah interrupted us. I walk up to him until I feel his clothing against my naked skin.

  I take his hands in mine and place them on my backside. “I need you, Slade.” Why hasn’t he already taken me? Can’t he see how much better I am today than I was last night? I thought I had cried all the tears I had left last night in his arms. And then after I told him I loved him, I lost it all over again.

  I started crying because he didn’t run away laughing at me when I poured my heart out. He actually loves me as much as I love him. And also, I felt guilty for how good it felt to know that. I just lost my mother, who didn’t know how much I loved her. I wasn’t supposed to feel loved and special when I was so selfish and stubborn toward her. To say it is screwing with my emotions is an understatement.

  But doesn’t he understand how I feel when he’s inside me? I know he realizes that he takes away my ability to think, to feel. Well, except about what he’s doing to me.

  I look into his eyes and swallow nervously. They look hard, like he’s mad at me for some reason. But the way his tongue runs over his lips makes me think something entirely different and that throbbing between my legs returns.

  We made love one time when we arrived here on Monday. And although he was gentle and I loved it, I’m ready for something a little more aggressive. I want him to take me, to show me that he still owns me. He takes me away from reality. To another world where lust and passion are so overwhelming, all I can think about is him. All I can feel is him, taking me higher and higher. I have come to need that escape, that release. Not only have I fallen in love with this man, I have become obsessed with how his body can control of mine.

  I watch as he swallows, eyes still hard. He places a kiss on my forehead and pulls away from me. “I need to go get you a new phone. Do you want to stick with the iPhone or would you like something else?”

  He has just turned me down. I try not to show the hurt on my face.

  “Uh,” I stammer, “you don’t have to do that. I will get a new phone later.” A phone doesn’t seem important right now, everyone I could possibly want to call was standing downstairs in my mother’s kitchen.

  “I’m going to get you a phone.” He turns away from me, opening up my bedroom door.

  “iPhone?” he asks again, turning his head to look at me over his shoulder.

  “Sure. Thank you.”

  He nods then walks out the door, closing it softly behind him.

  I let out a breath and head to my bathroom. I turn on the shower and step in, letting the water run over me as I wash my hair.

  I feel like we just took a huge step back. Why would he do that? Does he not desire me sexually anymore? Maybe he finally sees what a bad person I am. I mean, shit! All I can think about is getting laid while his family is downstairs and my mother’s body is waiting to be buried.

  I rinse out my conditioner and sit down, bringing my knees to my chest. I lay my head down on my knees. I’m mentally exhausted.

  He had a point, though. I do have a lot to do today, but I don’t even know where to begin. Whom do I talk to first? I guess my attorney would be the first person I need to call. I’m guessing Mom has a will. She did mention that she was leaving me everything. I’m hoping she noted where she wants to be buried.

  I have never thought about dying. You would think I would have, considering my dad died so suddenly, but I haven’t. My mom said that my father had paid for her treatment. I’m sure he had contacted his attorney to set up things for her just in case she didn’t make it. I know that sounds bad, but that’s just how he was, always planning for the unexpected.

  I bet he never expected Mom to ignore me. He probably thought she would have let me take care of her. Had I known what she was going through, I would have never packed my bags the day after graduation and left. I would have fought and argued with her until she caved. I would have put my entire life on hold for her. Now all I have left is guilt, guilt that I never came back demanding that she talk to me. Instead, I cowered behind a phone once a month, offering her money. She probably laughed at me, thinking I was trying to buy her affection. Didn’t it seem like I w
as though?

  I was just trying to give her what I thought she didn’t have. I didn’t want her to go without. I thought it was the money that made her hate me, so I was trying to remedy that.

  “How was I so stupid?” I whisper into my knees. I hate that she thought she didn’t need me. I also hate that I believed that she didn’t need me. It’s more my fault than hers. All she had to do was ignore a phone call. She would have never been able to ignore me had I had shown up just once at her house. I would have seen her and known something was wrong. Her body had been too small and frail, it would have sent up red flags, and I would have gotten an explanation.

  I inhale deeply. I told myself I wasn’t going to do this, that I wasn’t going to blame myself, that she wanted it this way. The thought alone makes my chest ache and my breathing labored. How could she not want me? She said she wanted me to live my life. I’m not going to let her down. I want her to be proud of how I choose to live my life. That I have the strength to pick myself back up and go on. She wouldn’t want me sitting on the floor thinking about the things I can’t change. She wants me to live a life with no regrets and I have already taken a step toward that by telling Slade I love him. Even if he had turned around and walked away from me, I still would have taken that chance.

  I take a shaky breath as I feel a tear run down my face. I’ve always wondered about our future, but now I know where it’s heading. We are moving in together. I wish I could ask my mom for some advice. She told me that she knows Slade loves me, but I know there’s more to a relationship than love. It takes hard work, from both partners. I know Slade is worth the work but what if he decides that I’m not?

  I lift my head up when I think I hear the bathroom door. I look around to see that I’m still alone. Was someone just in here?

  I stand up, quickly wash off, and turn off the water. I wrap a towel around myself and open the bathroom door.

  Slade looks up at me from where he sits at the end of my bed.

  “Hey,” I say, walking over to him.

  He flashes me a small smile and then his eyes drop back down to his hands. I notice that he is holding a new iPhone. How long was I in the shower?

  He doesn’t say anything to me as I stand there, staring down at him. I start to shiver, realizing my hair is a dripping mess, so I turn and head back into the bathroom. I close the door behind me and redo the knot in the towel to help keep it up. I pull the hairdryer out and get to work on my hair.

  Is he mad at me? What could I have done for him to act so distant? Slade and I both have some crazy emotions. It reminds me of the first time we kissed outside of Larry’s. I tried to fight it, hell, I even slapped him. I was so mad that he thought he could just drag me out of a club, but really, the reason for my anger was that it was true. Even then, he had power over me. I hated that I wanted him so badly, but at the same time, I was giddy that he was jealous over me dancing with another man. In all honesty, I wanted Slade to notice that man touching me. I wanted it to be Slade’s hands on me, but since he wouldn’t dance with me, I just picked some random guy. I couldn’t believe it when Slade had the nerve to call me a whore, judging me when he was the one who slept around. Although, I’m sure the alcohol played a big part in how all of that played out. In the end, my little manipulation worked, leading to the best night of my life, and it’s just been getting better since then. Well, in the bedroom that is, the other areas of my life have been shitty.

  As I finish drying my hair, Slade opens the bathroom door and places my suitcase on the floor. “Here’s your stuff.”

  “Where did that come from?” I had left it at my house when I had gotten the phone call from my mother’s neighbor.

  “Holly went by your house and grabbed it for you.”

  That was nice of her. Holly is another person I don’t know what I would do without.

  I notice Slade is still standing there quietly, staring at me. “Is something wrong?” I ask, wondering why he is acting so strangely. He was fine last night and this morning. Well, he was until we went downstairs and I grabbed that note from him.

  “No.”

  I hold in a sigh. “Why are you keeping your distance from me?”

  Instead of answering, he just continues to stare at me. Usually when I’m in a towel, it’s off in a matter of seconds, right before he’s lying on top of me.

  He runs a hand over his face as if at a loss. “I’m just giving you some space, Angel,” he says softly.

  I turn my body to fully face him while I let his words sink in. Do I need space? I look over his features and notice his eyes are no longer hard, they look sad, and his beautiful lips are frowning. He has his hand on the doorknob and his body positioned away from mine. Why would he think I need space? He turned me down earlier, and then went to get me a new phone. When he came back, I was still in the shower….

  It all starts to make sense. I had heard the bathroom door open. He walked in and saw me, once again, huddled up on the floor, when I had just told him I was fine this morning. He must think I’m lying to him. Am I? I felt great when I had told him I loved him last night. Then this morning I felt good about being in his arms, knowing that he had said he loved me as well. I was okay until…until I had seen Courtney handing him that note. Maybe I do need space, but if I admit that will he think I mean for him to go back to St. Louis?

  Why am I more confused now than ever? I look up into his eyes and nod my head, because I don’t really know how to respond to that statement.

  He leaves, closing the door behind him. I reach down to my bag and start pulling things out. I need to get ready and make some phone calls.

  CHAPTER TWO

  I close the door and lean back against it, closing my eyes. When I saw her sitting on the shower floor, it broke my heart. I wanted to pull her into my arms again and tell her that I love her. Then I remembered her telling me she was fine this morning. She obviously doesn’t want me to see how bad she’s hurting, and who am I to make her feel like she can’t help herself?

  When she asked me to have sex with her earlier, it killed me to turn her down. I wanted nothing more than to bring her to her knees, have her panting and begging. I need her just as badly as she needs me, but my reasons are selfish. I need her because I crave her scent, her taste. I need to feel her body aching for mine, to feel her come undone. I don’t even care about my pleasure. I just want to please her. But right now, she only wants me to help drown out her thoughts; she only wants me to take away her pain.

  After how hurt she was when she saw that note, I know that she is not ready. I know sex will take her focus off of things, but I don’t want to temporarily fix her emotions. I want her to grieve in her own time, even if that means me just holding her in my arms every night as she cries. Even if that means no sex.

  I push off the door and head out of her room. Going down the stairs, I hear everyone talking in the living room. I walk into the room and take a seat next to my mom on the couch.

  “Where’s Samantha?” she asks.

  “She’s upstairs getting ready.” I notice that they all got quiet as soon as I entered. “What were you guys talking about?”

  “Well,” Courtney says, getting my attention, “I was just informing them that I am coming to St. Louis with you guys.”

  My eyes immediately search out Josh. I should have guessed that’s why he had a huge ass grin on his face.

  I haven’t told them that Angel and I took it to the ‘I love you’ stage last night, and I also haven’t told them that I asked her to move in with me.

  “What?” I turn at the sound of Angel’s voice and see her standing behind the couch. “Why are you coming back to St. Louis?”

  “To help take care of you,” Courtney says as if it’s obvious.

  “I don’t need—”

  “It’s okay to take time to grieve, Sam,” Courtney interrupts her. “I’ll help, you can’t expect Slade to keep taking off work.”

  “What do you mean, ‘keep taking off work’?�
�� Angel snaps, and I feel her mood shift into defensive mode. “I don’t need a babysitter and I haven’t asked Slade to take off of work.” She glances over at me, giving me a look of disbelief. I know what is going through that brain of hers. She thinks I’ve been down here complaining about having to miss work.

  “That’s not what she means.” I throw Courtney a pointed look, silently begging her to backtrack her previous statement. Angel already has enough shit to deal with; I don’t want her to think she’s putting me out as well.

  “Then what did she mean?” Angel turns to me. “Is she going to stay at your house with us?” Her tone is hard.

  “Wait. What?” Josh puts a hand up. “Why would you stay at Slade’s house?” asks Courtney, clearly confused.

  “You haven’t told them,” Angel states, glaring at me.

  I run a hand through my hair and release a sigh. This conversation is going south very quickly.

  “Told us what?” Holly asks, bouncing up and down on the couch. She can sense where this is leading and she is obviously excited.

  “Slade asked me to move in with him last night,” She pauses. “After I told him I love him.” I look around, watching the smiles on everyone’s faces, except for Courtney. Then I look to Angel whose face is expressionless. “But I guess our plans have changed.” She turns to walk off.

  I stand quickly. “Angel, nothing has changed.” I reach for her hand and hold it in mine. “I just haven’t told them yet. I didn’t know if you wanted them to know.” I thought her mom passing was more important than the news of us moving in together.

  “Why wouldn’t I want them to know?” she whispers looking down at the floor. When her eyes finally meet mine, they are watery, and she looks heartbroken. “You don’t want them to know. That’s why you haven’t told them.”

  I shake my head, placing my hands in her hair and tilting her head up to me. “I love you,” I say loud enough that everyone in the room can hear. I don’t want her to think that I’m embarrassed of my feelings. “I asked you to move in. I want you to move in. Please believe me.” I run one hand through her soft hair. “I haven’t said anything because….” I pause, thinking of the right explanation. “Because that seems like such a minor subject compared to why we are all here in the first place.”