Unbearable (Undescribable)

by Tessier, Shantel

  Her eyes go wide and I hear someone inhale sharply. She walks backward pulling her face from my hand. “You’re right.” She gives me a small nod. “They are here because my mother died.” She swallows as her eyes lock on mine. “God forbid I have something I actually want to be happy about.” A tear trickles down her face.

  “Angel—”

  She puts her hand up shaking her head at me. “I understand.”

  I start to speak but am interrupted by the doorbell.

  She walks around me, heading for the door. I sit down on the couch, running a hand through my hair. Well, that didn’t go so well. I lean forward, placing my elbows on my knees. I look up to notice everyone is staring at me. Well, not staring, more like burning holes into me.

  “What was that about?” Holly snaps

  “She’s upset and grieving. She just needs some time,” I respond.

  “Doesn’t matter, Samantha is right,” my mom says, “she needs something to make her happy.” She stands up from the couch. “And you just took that from her.”

  I throw my hands up in the air and lean back. “I can’t win,” I mumble to myself.

  “Just keep that mentality, son.” My dad chuckles.

  I get up and head into the kitchen. I see Angel placing a white ceramic dish covered with foil onto the countertop.

  “That was nice of them,” my mom says as she leans over to move things around in the fridge.

  “Yes it was. They shouldn’t have,” Angel agrees quietly.

  “Who shouldn’t have done what?” I ask.

  Angel stays silent as she continues to look down at the dish.

  “The neighbors brought some food over.” Mom reaches around Angel, and picks up the dish. She places it in the fridge then shuts the door. She looks up at me then slides her eyes to Angel as she walks by me.

  I understood the implication: beg for forgiveness. Haven’t I been doing that since the moment I first saw her?

  “Angel.” As I approach her, she doesn’t lift her gaze from the countertop. “I’m sorry for what I said earlier.” I place one hand on her back and, with the other one, sweep the hair off her shoulder so I can see the side of her face.

  “You were right.” She peeks up to me. “It wasn’t that important.” I can still see heartbreak in her green eyes. I lean down to give her a kiss but she pulls away. “I need to make some phone calls.”

  My heart aches for her. I’m just trying to help her out, but I’m clearly making it worse. I nod my head and turn around to leave the kitchen, since I’ve been dismissed.

  I take a deep breath, wondering how in the hell I’m going to make it through this day. The excitement of mine and Slade’s future is what is keeping me from breaking down. He obviously does not share my enthusiasm. Should I reconsider my decision to move in with him? Maybe he is having second thoughts about our relationship. Or maybe he’s just ashamed of me. I am the selfish bitch who yelled at her mother when she had informed me she only had three months to live. What in the hell is wrong with me? Who does that? Someone who only thinks about themselves, someone so selfish that they deserve to be alone the rest of their life. I’ve always felt like the people that I loved have abandoned me, but maybe it’s the other way around.

  I shake my head as I reach into my back pocket and pull out my new phone. I’ll revisit those questions later. Right now, I have to figure out what needs to be taken care of so I can get the hell out of here.

  I scroll through my contacts, thanking God that Slade was able to get my numbers from my other iPhone. I find my attorney’s name and let out a puff of air as I hit send.

  It rings several times, making me wonder if I’m just going to have to leave a voicemail.

  “Walter.”

  “Hello, Walter, this is Samantha Hall.” I swallow hard, hoping he will say he doesn’t have time to talk to me and will have to call me back. As much as I want out of this town and back to my old life, I dread the part where I have to go over my mother’s instructions.

  “Hello, Samantha,” he says, sounding surprised. “I was just about to walk out of my office to come to you.”

  “You’re coming over to my mother’s house?”

  “Yes, I have….” He pauses, and lets out a long sigh. “Some papers for you to sign and I didn’t want you to have to leave. I’m sure you’re trying to tie up loose ends so you can get back home.”

  I take in a shaky breath. Those words sound just as heart shattering as they did when he had told me and my mom he had papers from my dad.

  My mom and I were sitting in his office. He seemed apprehensive to tell me what the papers were about.

  “Samantha, your dad has left you his business, Hall Concrete.”

  “What?” my mother and I both ask. I said it like all the air had left my lungs, but my mother had shouted it.

  “He couldn’t have done that. That”—she points to the paperwork Walter holds as she stands up—“must be a mistake. Check it again!” she demands.

  “There’s nothing to check, I’m sorry,” he says sympathetically. “It’s all written right here.”

  “Well, hand it over to me,” she says, looking toward me.

  I start nodding my head. She can have it. “I don’t want it—”

  “I’m afraid that’s not what Jack wanted,” Walter interrupts me.

  “Who cares what he wanted,” my mom snaps at him. “This was not what we had discussed,” she cries.

  I frown, discussed what? As far as I knew, my mother and father never spoke. Maybe she is just as confused as me.

  “Why would he leave his company to you?” she screams, making me flinch. I start to tear up and my throat closes. Why is she so mad at me?

  “I’m sorry, Mom,” I say as a sob threatens to come up.

  She gives me one last look of hatred as she throws her purse over her shoulder before slamming the door on her way out.

  “This is what your dad wanted. I don’t know the reasoning, but he left you letters explaining.”

  He reaches across the desk and hands me a few papers. I wipe my eyes so the words don’t look so blurry.

  Princess,

  I know that you are probably confused about why I left you a concrete company. But don’t worry, I want you to sell it. Your mother and I always wanted the best for you. And believe me, I know this company is not that. I know neither you nor your mom know how to run a company, and a concrete one at that. I have a man who has been asking me for years to sell it. Walter has his info, contact him and let him buy it from you.

  I hope that you will not receive this until you are older and have a family of your own. But if for some reason you are still young, and I am no longer there for you, please do something for me. Please take the money and live the life you deserve. The life that I always wanted for you. Don’t get me wrong, you can still experience heartbreak and loss with money. People are wrong when they say money can buy you anything. You can have all the money in the world and still have nothing that holds value. But I know you are strong. You’re my princess with the ability to save herself. I love you. Never forget that. You have always been and will always be Daddy’s princess.

  I lean over the counter, trying to catch my breath. “Okay,” I whisper, not able to say more.

  “I’ll be there shortly.” He hangs up before I can answer.

  I stand up straight and look around the kitchen, thankful that I am alone. I need something to keep me busy. I need something to keep my mind off my dead mother and my boyfriend who thinks I’m broken beyond repair. Am I? I went kind of crazy when my dad died. I had never lost a family member before. So, when we lost him, I went off the deep end. My stepdad had mentioned the word ‘therapy’ once but I wanted nothing to do with that. I didn’t want to tell someone how my mom and I had drifted apart, that I thought God had taken the wrong parent from me. I also didn’t want to be put on medication. So, I stayed away from home. It’s not like I went to parties, I just went to my father’s house. I enjoyed the
silence there while I cried. My mom didn’t want me at home anyway, she just yelled at me. Or she was yelling at Greg. I knew they were on the verge of a divorce. They fought like cats and dogs. They hadn’t even been married long, maybe a little over a year. He and I never saw eye-to-eye because he always tried to be a father figure in my life, and I pretty much told him to go to hell. That caused fights between him and my mother because she didn’t back him up. She might have hated my dad, but she knew how close we were. Just because she was married to the man did not mean he was my father.

  I need to clear my head, to think about something else. I start rifling through the cabinets for something to cook.

  I find a container of noodles and see a glass jar of spaghetti sauce. I open the freezer and find some frozen meat in there. I frown; it’s the only thing in there. How was she eating?

  I pull my earbuds out of my front pocket and plug them into my phone. I download the Pandora app and sign into my account. I want to, once again, drown everything else out.

  I know it seems like I’m ignoring everyone and maybe that’s what I am doing. I just need to keep my emotions in check. Courtney had pissed me off when she mentioned Slade missing so much work lately. I know it’s the truth. That doesn’t mean she has to point it out in front of Mark and everyone else. I don’t know how much missing work affects him, and I don’t want Mark to think that I don’t care about his son, that I only think of myself. Because I don’t. I know Slade loves his job.

  Courtney has always been the type of girl to tell you how she sees it, even if you think she sees it wrong. Witnessing my breakdown obviously told her that I am in need of help, but all I need is Slade. I know that I can get through anything with him by my side.

  I pull out a pan and start frying the meat. Does everyone feel the same way as Slade? Should I not have been as happy about moving in with him as I am? I will forever blame myself for the lack of time I had with my mother, but will they always bring it up?

  I had just put the meat in the strainer when I see two hands flatten on the counter in front of me.

  I look up to see Slade standing there with a blank face.

  I pull the earbuds out. “Yes?” I smile, not wanting to fight with him. I just want us to be happy, not bring each other down.

  He frowns, and it makes my shoulders slump. “There’s a Walter here to see you,” he says carefully.

  I nod and pick up the towel next to me, wiping off my hands.

  “Walter.” I gesture for him to sit at the table. I take the chair across from him and Slade comes to sit next to me. I don’t hear any other voices in the house. I wonder where everyone has gone.

  Walter takes a deep breath as his brown eyes land on mine. “I want to start out by saying I’m so sorry, Samantha. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.”

  I reach out, grabbing Slade’s hand. “I’m okay.” I give him a small smile. I will be okay. I will do what my mom wanted…live my life.

  Walter scrunches his brow, then after a few seconds, he opens up a manila envelope. “Your mom has arranged everything. She has left you the house, her Tahoe, and also your dad’s car, the one he had left to her.”

  “Yeah, she told me all of that in the note she left me.” He nods. “How much does she owe on the house?” Would he know the answer to that?

  “It’s paid for.”

  “What?” I question. “I know Dad built it for her as a wedding present, but she took out a loan against it when I was in eighth grade.” The only reason I know that was because I overheard the fight they had about it. Dad was mad that Mom hadn’t told him she needed money. Instead of going to him, she had borrowed against the house. She explained that her husband wouldn’t want her borrowing money from her ex-husband. It had been a very heated discussion.

  He shakes his head. “Your dad paid it off not two months after she borrowed on it.”

  How did I not know that? I guess parents don’t discuss financial business with their children.

  “I’m sure you could get three hundred thousand for it. It’s a beautiful home in a secluded neighborhood. The school district—”

  I cut him off. “What do you mean, ‘get three hundred thousand for it’?”

  “Selling it.” He looks from me to Slade. “You are going to sell it, aren’t you?”

  “No! Why would I sell it?”

  “Because you live in St. Louis. You already have your father’s home here in Tulsa,” he reminds me, like I could forget.

  “My dad built this home for my mother. I would never sell it,” I state in a bitchy tone. Slade squeezes my hand and I look over at him. He’s giving me a small smile but I can tell it’s forced. He’s starting to get aggravated with Walter as much as I am.

  “My apologies.” He pulls out some papers. “Your mother has left all of the information you will need. She will go to Malcom’s Funeral Home. The process will take a couple of days but you will have to go sign a release.”

  I don’t have the slightest idea what he is talking about, but that doesn’t matter. The way he said it knocked the wind out of me. I try to gulp in some air, but I’m getting nothing.

  “What do you mean?” Slade questions, he can tell I’m having problems breathing.

  “That’s the process for the crematory. Even though Marie had a will stating she wanted to be cremated, Oklahoma law states that Sam has to sign off for it.”

  “What?” I ask, hyperventilating. “Cre—” I can’t even finish the word.

  “You didn’t know her wishes?” Walter looks from me to Slade, wide-eyed.

  “No,” Slade barks. “She doesn’t know anything. So watch how you fucking word things,” he growls.

  “I’m…I’m so sorry, Samantha. I thought you said she had left you a letter with what she had requested.”

  “That wasn’t in there,” I whisper. “Why does she want to be cremated?” That thought never even crossed my mind.

  “Well, your father was cremated. Your mother was an only child. Her parents are buried in Texas.” He shrugs, looking down at the table.

  I release Slade’s hand and place my elbows on the table. I let my head fall in my hands as tears well up in my eyes. It’s not that the thought of burying her was any better, it’s just I never thought that she would want to be cremated. It’s like this nightmare is never-ending.

  “Can you give us a minute?” I hear Slade ask Walter.

  I feel Slade’s hand on my back as the sobs rack my body and the tears come pouring out, landing on the table. I don’t know if I can do this. Any of this.

  Slade wraps an arm around my side and pulls my upper body into his muscular chest. I cry into his shirt. Once again clinging to him, needing him, showing him how weak I am. Why do I feel like every time I have myself under control something new comes along and knocks me back to the ground?

  “It’s going to be okay, Angel.” Slade runs his hand down my back over my hair. “I’m right here,” he whispers.

  I pull away from him, trying to rein in my emotions once again. He takes my face in his hands, wiping the tears with his thumbs. I’m glad I didn’t bother with makeup today. “I love you,” he says, looking into my eyes.

  “I love you too,” I reply in between hiccups.

  He gives a little chuckle. “Do you want me to throw him out?” He grins, finding amusement in that thought.

  I laugh as I wipe the remainder of the tears from my eyes. “No. I need to finish this.” I look down at my hands sitting in my lap, and then back up to Slade. “I just want to get this part over with.”

  He nods and gets up from the table to retrieve Walter. For the next hour, the three of us sit at the table discussing everything that my mother had wanted. From her belongings to her ashes. There were times I couldn’t hold back the tears, and I just let them fall. Slade held my hand the entire time and spoke for me when I couldn’t. It was like he was reading my mind, and I was thankful for that.

  “Thank you for coming over, I was going to
come to you.” I reach out to shake Walter’s hand as we stand by the front door.

  He looks down at my hand before pulling me into a hug. “I’m so sorry, Sam.” He releases me and backs away. “Your dad and I were close friends. I always told him I would look out for you, and then you go and move away. Please keep in touch. If you need anything, call me. I will do whatever I can to help you with what you need. And Slade.” He reaches his right hand out to him. “Take care of her.”

  Slade shakes his hand and then wraps an arm around my shoulders “I will.”

  Walter turns and walks out the front door and Slade closes it behind him.

  “Where is everybody?” I ask, on my way back into the kitchen.

  “They went out for lunch. When Walter showed up, they wanted to give you some privacy.”

  I get back to work on preparing the pasta. Slade places his hand over mine, stopping me from pulling the strainer out of the sink. “What are you doing, Angel?”

  I look up to see him frowning. “Making spaghetti.”

  “You don’t have to cook anything.”

  “I guess I should be doing other things right now.” My mom had said that she wanted me to get rid of all of her belongings. She wanted me to give everything to charity, to people less fortunate.

  Slade grabs my hand and turns me to face him. “I’m sorry, Angel. You have plenty of time to do the other stuff. If you want to make spaghetti then make spaghetti. I’ll help you with the rest of the things that need to get done.”

  “Thanks, baby.” I lean forward and wrap my arms around him. His chest moves as he breathes, and I’m suddenly very aware of how close we are. I feel as if he hasn’t touched me since we were in bed this morning. We are here alone and I want to take advantage of that.

  I pull back and push my hands up into his hair. He closes his eyes and lets out a low moan. I bring his face down to mine and his hands seek my hair. I close my eyes as my lips brush his. He kisses me sweetly, our lips working together. I slide my tongue into his mouth. I want him, badly. I need him inside of me. Sometimes you need more than words, this is one of those times. I need him to show me that he’s here for me, that he still wants me.