In His Eyes

by Gail Gaymer Martin

  “It’s much bigger than it looked on paper.”

  “I told you that.” Connor chuckled.

  She gave him a wry smile.

  “This is my room,” Caitlin said, sticking to Ellene’s side. “My toys are downstairs, though, because the work guys would fall over the boxes. That’s what Daddy said.”

  “And he’s right.” Ellene tousled her hair. “It’s a really nice room, though.”

  “I know and it’s bigger than my room in St. Clair Shores.”

  “I know,” Ellene said, letting Caitlin pull her away while she explained what the room would look like when it was finished.

  Connor saw the look on Ellene’s face, and he knew she was thinking about their interrupted conversation. He feared she’d blown the content out of proportion. Before they could finish the talk, he had to find something to preoccupy Caitlin.

  If he and Ellene were to make a go of their relationship, everything had to be on the table—everything out in the open, no secrets. Marriages were difficult enough without either partner hiding something significant from his or her past.

  Maybe he wanted to tell Ellene as much for himself as for her. He’d felt guilty throughout his marriage to Melissa and worse after she died. He’d remained true to her, but the devotion he’d wanted to feel hadn’t been there.

  “This will be a mess to live in for a while,” Ellene said, stepping over a stack of two-by-fours, then dodging a pile of drywall. “At least the insulation is up. They should get to the walls on Monday.”

  “They said it could be ready to paint next weekend.”

  Aunt Phyllis’s voice sailed up the staircase. “Are you upstairs?”

  “We’re here,” Connor said, turning to make his way down to the first floor. Ellene and Caitlin followed.

  When they reached the bottom, his aunt opened her arms to Ellene. “I thought that was your car in the driveway.” She hugged Ellene, then stepped back. “Have you been to the store yet?”

  “No, we’re going in a few minutes. Would you like to come along.”

  “Thanks, but no. I just wanted to say hello. And a verse came to mind on my way over.”

  Connor felt his back stiffen. “A verse?”

  “From Job,” his aunt said.

  “Job. Now that sounds ominous.”

  “Job was a man of faith who suffered many trials but continued to love the Lord, Connor.”

  He nodded his head like a head-bobbing doll until he stopped himself. “I know about Job, Aunt Phyllis. So what’s the verse?”

  She arched an eyebrow. “The verse is for Ellene. ‘Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be.’”

  Ellene seemed to study his aunt’s face, as if trying to figure out what the scripture meant to her. “Thank you,” she said.

  From her expression, Connor assumed she didn’t know what the verse meant, but he had a guess. He shifted his attention to Caitlin, praying she’d agree. “Do you want to stay with Aunt Phyllis? We’ll only be gone a short time.”

  “I want to—” She began in a whiny voice, then stopped as if remembering. “I want to go with you and Ellene,” she said in a pleasant tone.

  “You asked very nicely, Caitlin,” he said, giving Ellene a quick look to explain why he couldn’t say no. “You can come along, too.” He sent up a quick prayer that God would help him find some time during her visit to have their talk.

  “Goodie,” she said, giving him a smile.

  Ellene gave him a private shrug as if she understood he had no choice, and they ambled to the car with Aunt Phyllis chattering as if she’d never see them again.

  “We’ll only be gone an hour or so,” he said. “We’ll see you when we get back.”

  “That’s fine, but remember the verse, Ellene.” She patted her arm as she passed and headed toward her house.

  Pepper’s bark sounded at the open windows, and Connor could hear his aunt shushing the dog as they climbed into the car.

  Once inside, Ellene frowned as she clamped her seatbelt. “Did that verse make sense to you?”

  “You know my aunt,” he said, checking behind him to see that Caitlin was buckled in. He turned back, avoiding a direct answer, because he didn’t want to presume anything, but he figured it was his aunt’s way of tempering Ellene’s attitude.

  As they headed toward town, Connor viewed the landscape—the blossoming wildflowers along the road’s edge, the budding trees, the tulips and daffodils sprouting from residents’ flower beds. Spring had finally come, and with it a warm breeze that blew off the lake.

  “The air smells so fresh,” Ellene said as the wind billowed through the half-open window. “The island looks so pretty this time of year.”

  “The circle of life, things die and are reborn in spring.” His own circle of life hung in his mind.

  “That’s in the Lion King, Daddy,” Caitlin said, then began singing in her piping voice, getting most of the words wrong.

  “Sing, Ellene,” she called, trying to lean over the seat, though the seatbelt held her back.

  “I’d rather listen to you,” Ellene said, glancing over her shoulder.

  Caitlin continued to sing. Sometimes the songs were tuneless—ones she made up, Connor figured—but other times he recognized the tune.

  Connor’s emotions throbbed, knowing that today he would tell Ellene everything, yet he was touched, too, seeing the two women who meant so much to him chattering together in the most natural way.

  Sometimes he questioned his sanity. Why had he pursued Ellene for so long? Why had she stayed in his heart? He wasn’t sure he believed that each person had a soul mate, but for some reason, he’d often sensed that he and Ellene were meant to be together. As his faith grew, he attributed the feeling to part of God’s divine plan. Other times he wondered if the feeling was his own will and had nothing to do with God.

  “How do Christians know for sure their choices are God’s will?” He heard himself ask the question aloud, and it startled him.

  Ellene snapped to attention. “That’s a strange question.”

  Caitlin’s song faded. “Daddy, that’s a strange question,” she mimicked.

  “It just popped into my head,” he said to both of them.

  “We have to pray and ask God to assure us,” Ellene said. “It can be a gut feeling that this is right and good.”

  “I don’t always trust my gut feelings.”

  “I know, but sometimes things happen that make it so easy to know. Let’s say you wanted to go someplace, but you didn’t have the money, and then one day you open an envelope and you find a rebate check or a shareholder bonus for the exact amount you needed. That seems as if God is saying, trust me, trust your instincts.”

  He nodded. “That makes sense, but not everything is that evident.”

  “No, but you have to do things on faith, too. You ask God to help you decide. When you can’t imagine things going in any other direction but the one that sticks in your mind, then you can assume it’s God’s choice.”

  He nodded, amazed that God had persisted to bring them together.

  As he drove along the main street, Connor saw cars filling many of the parking slots. He felt good, knowing people were out shopping. He had tremendous hopes for his sport store.

  He made his way to his private parking place behind the store, turned off the ignition and unhooked his belt. “Here we are.”

  They spilled from the car and headed into the back of the store, passing through the employees’ workroom. He watched Ellene survey the mess with questioning eyes, and when they stepped into the store, her inspection became more intense.

  “The shelves are still dusty,” she said, dragging her finger across the display shelf and showing him the gray smudge on her finger.

  “I’m working hard on building stock,” he said, “but while you’re here, feel free.” He ducked back into the workroom and when he came out, he tossed her a dustcloth.

  She eyed it, and he saw her bite her
bottom lip while her head swayed back and forth.

  He walked closer to her and grasped her shoulders. “It’s okay. I’m pleased you’re willing to dust.”

  He spun away, leaving her standing alone with a surprised expression while he enjoyed the teasing. When his eyes shifted, he saw Caitlin trying to climb onto an exercise bike that had just arrived in the store.

  “Be careful,” he said, hurrying to her side.

  “I will.” She eyed the pedal too low for her reach. “You should get these for little kids, Daddy.”

  He chuckled. “Little kids ride real bikes. You don’t need a pretend one.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  He gave her a wink and glanced over her shoulder at Ellene. She’d taken him at his word, and he watched her a moment while she dusted the shelves near the employees’ doorway. “Hey, you,” he called, beckoning her forward.

  She shifted toward him, still carrying the cloth. “Leave that by the door,” he said, “and thanks.”

  She dropped the cloth by the doorway and came to meet him. “What?”

  “Look around.”

  She finally noticed. “Exercise equipment. Great idea.”

  “Thanks.”

  “And I’ll have bikes available soon, lots of new products.”

  She wandered around the front of the store, looking at new items and evaluating his progress, he was sure, but instead of a frown, she turned with a smile. When she made her way back to where he waited, she opened her arms and gathered him into an embrace. “Really nice, Connor. I see lots of new things.”

  “And more to come, including a good spring cleaning.”

  “Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be.” She chuckled. “Dear Aunt Phyllis. She certainly has a way with words, doesn’t she?”

  “But not her words,” he said.

  “No, God’s Word. Talk about the Lord’s guidance.” She flung out her arms, then let them flop to her sides. “I need to listen to your aunt more carefully.”

  “I think she has a direct connection to God.”

  “Daddy,” Caitlin said, tugging on his arm.

  “What, Cait?”

  “I think Aunt Phyllis talks to God a lot ’cuz I hear her mumbling whenever I go over there and no one’s there, except Pepper.”

  He brushed his hand across her soft hair. “And God had better listen to Aunt Phyllis.”

  “Right,” Caitlin said, “Because she’s old and we have to listen to old people.”

  Connor watched Ellene’s grin widen to a smile, and he grinned, too.

  “That’s why you have to listen to me,” he said to Caitlin.

  “You’re not real old, Daddy. Just a little.”

  “Thank you, Cait.”

  “Out of the mouth of babes,” Ellene whispered.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Finally,” Connor said, leaning against the kitchen counter.

  Though he was trying to look relaxed, Ellene saw tension flicker on his jawline. She knew the time had finally come to talk.

  She stood by the side door, watching Caitlin jig alongside Aunt Phyllis as they went to her house to make cookies. “She’s a good girl, Connor. I know you’re proud of her.”

  “Prouder than I can say. She riles me sometimes, but it’s my own frustration.”

  Ellene turned from the door and crossed to his side. “If you watch any of those talk shows, you’ll see the problems aren’t only with single parents. All kinds of families struggle with the same problems, and they can last for years. The only thing parents can do is their best—and pray.”

  Connor lowered his head. “I probably don’t pray enough for Caitlin. I just get frustrated. I know she needs so much, and I have so little to give.”

  “How can you say that?”

  He lifted his gaze, his brows raising in question.

  “Don’t shortchange yourself, Connor. I envy some of your qualities. I wish I had more patience and humility like you do. Do you want a list? You’re the epitome of kindness, good humor, compassion, gentleness, morals and honesty. What else is there?”

  He pushed himself away from the counter, shaking his head. “And now you’ve brought us back to yesterday.”

  “Yesterday?”

  A scowl weighted his face. “The thing I need to talk with you about.” He beckoned to her. “Let’s sit for this.”

  Let’s sit for this. The words sounded ominous, and though she had wanted to know the truth, her pulse rose as she followed him across the great room to the sofa.

  He lowered his arms to his thighs and wove his fingers into a tight knot, dangling them between his knees. He looked from her to the floor, then back again. “I want us to have a clean slate, Ellene—everything out in the open.”

  His pulse escalated as she searched his eyes. “I avoided telling you some things, and I suppose that makes my avoidance a lie.”

  A lie. Her heart rose to her throat.

  “When I said I didn’t want Caitlin a while ago, I’d meant it. I didn’t want Caitlin or any child. Melissa’s pregnancy was an accident.”

  She heard herself gasp. “How can you say that? You’re her father.”

  “I love Caitlin with all my heart and soul. I’d never give her back even if God could reverse life and I had a second chance. She is the joy of my heart, but at the time, I felt duped and stupid.”

  Duped and stupid? Ellene sat dazed.

  Connor hung his head. “I’ve asked God to forgive me, but at the time I wasn’t rational. I felt trapped.”

  Duped, stupid, trapped? “You’re upsetting me, Connor. I’m totally bewildered.”

  “I was bewildered and bitter—mainly at myself. It’s a long story, and you know part of it. When you broke off with me, I was angry, and I figured if you were playing games so could I. I went out on a couple of empty dates, then I called you, but you were as defiant as anyone could be. My vendetta was to get even and show you that you weren’t the only fish in the sea.”

  “So you dated and got involved with women. You told me.”

  “I dated a few women, but I only got involved with one, Melissa. She desired me and I took advantage, but I still had dreams of letting time pass until you realized that I was the man for you.”

  Ellene’s chest tightened until she feared she couldn’t breathe. “You were intimate with her. If you still loved me, why did you do that?”

  “Anything I say will sound like a weak excuse. When I left you I felt so worthless and empty. I couldn’t imagine anyone finding me appealing. Melissa did. She wanted my love, and she seemed open to intimacy. I’d wanted to share that with you, but then it seemed impossible.”

  Ellene lowered her eyes. “I’d expected you to beg for a while,” she whispered, “until you gave me what I wanted—more of your time.”

  “But you had my heart, Ellene.” He pressed his hand against his chest while sadness filled his eyes. “Do you think I didn’t find you attractive? I respected you too much to pressure you. I respected your faith. I admired it and wished I felt as strongly as you did about values.”

  Ellene caught her breath.

  “I wasn’t raised that way, but you and your family taught me so much. Allowing myself to fall into sinful behavior so soon after our breakup made me feel rotten. You have been so staunch, so moral, and I’ve loved you for that all these years.”

  Ellene’s heart rose to her throat. He’d given her credit that she didn’t deserve. Her indiscretions gnawed at her like a hungry tiger. “Why didn’t you ask, Connor? I never understood your need.”

  Connor jerked away from her and rose. “What need? Need had nothing to do with it. My need was to be loved by you. I just told you I admired your strength. I envied your morals and faith. I didn’t need anything that would change all that I respected.”

  “Did you respect your wife?”

  Connor sank back into the cushion and covered his face with his hands. She leaned forward, embracing his shoulders. “I’m sorry, Conno
r. That was a mean question.”

  “It’s a logical question, Ellene.” He turned his head to look into her eyes. “I made the best out of it. I was faithful to Melissa, but I never loved her as I should have. I did care about her.”

  “Then why did you marry her?”

  He drew back, his face pale. “I told you I married her on the rebound, but that’s been my biggest lie.”

  Ellene’s stomach twisted while her mind raced for an answer, but nothing made sense. “Tell me why?”

  “I didn’t use protection. She told me she’d taken care of it, but she hadn’t.”

  “She got pregnant?”

  He nodded.

  “You married her because she was pregnant?”

  “I’d let my morals slip, but I knew what was right. We got married, and that’s why the wedding was so sudden. She was the mother of my child. What could I do?”

  Ellene remembered counting the months on her fingers, trying to understand when they’d broken up and when Caitlin was born, but the brief thought had slipped from her mind.

  “I should have told you about this from the beginning. Can you forgive me?” he asked.

  Ellene’s head spun. “You’re already forgiven. I need to forgive myself.”

  He shifted closer and captured her hands, pressing his lips to her fingers. “We were both at fault. The lies are gone. I feel as if a weight has lifted from my shoulders.”

  She looked into his face, seeing his jaw relax, the concern in his eyes gone. “I’m so sad about this, Connor, but never say you wish you hadn’t married Melissa. If you hadn’t, Caitlin wouldn’t be part of our lives. She’s so like you. Thank God for her.”

  Connor placed his thumb beneath her chin and tilted her head upward. “Thank you for understanding and for reminding me of the blessing.”

  His gaze clung to hers as his mouth lowered to a kiss. She languished in the sweet sensation that felt so perfect and so right.

  Connor drew back, his nose touching hers, his lips brushing hers as he spoke. “I can’t tell you how you’ve made things so complete and full for us, and you love Caitlin, which is all I could ever ask.”

  He straightened his back, his hands grasping hers again. “Do you think we could start over? Do you think we could make it work now? We’ve resolved everything, forgiven everything.”