Forgive & Regret

by Kaitlyn Cross

  “Shit.” She panicked and stepped on the gas, narrowly missing the women’s trailing luggage. Jamming it in drive, Stella sped back to town, unwavering in her decision to never leave the house again.

  Until Vicky popped into her mind and ruined that too.

  Chapter Seventeen

  FOUR YEARS AGO

  T

  he empty popcorn bowls and candy wrappers littering the thin kitchen island from the night before turned Stella’s stomach. The look on her mother’s face when Stella confessed her love for Sawyer haunted her movements. She pulled a cold bottle of water from the powder blue fridge and took a long pull, trying to make sense of it. There was absolutely no reason for Sarah to have said what she said. Stella could understand if it was Jase, but it wasn’t. It was her mother¸ her best friend, and she should be happy for her.

  It didn’t make sense.

  And that stoked her ire.

  Stella stuck the bottle back into the fridge and shut the curved door, jumping when she found her mother standing on the other side with a dull expression dimming her blue eyes. They stared at each other in total silence, tension sucking the air from the room, the refrigerator humming between them. Next to her mother’s tomato red dress and silver heels, Stella felt underdressed and vulnerable to attack in her wrinkled pajamas.

  Sarah twisted her car keys in her hands, holding her daughter’s steady gaze, a tablet peeking from the black bag slung over her shoulder. Stella searched Sarah’s eyes for a sign that a good night’s sleep had put some sense into her senselessness. Under the kitchen lights, Sarah’s gaze was unreadable, if not a bit hostile. Stella folded her arms across her father’s flannel shirt and cocked her head to one side, refusing to speak first. The ball was in her mother’s court and Stella was dying to hear what she had to say. Sarah cinched the bag up her shoulder and exhaled. A blue jay cried out from a railing on the back deck. Stella watched it fly over the pool and out across the lake beyond. The fridge clicked off, thickening the quiet already plugging her ears. Sarah pressed her lips together, preparing to say something. A neighbor dog began barking. Stella shifted from one bare foot to the other.

  “I’m sorry about last night.”

  Stella shrugged, unmoved by the blasé apology. “I just don’t get why you’re not happy for me.”

  Sarah stepped closer, took Stella’s hand in hers and squeezed. Desperation clung to her eyes like her dress to her curvy hips. “Promise me you won’t see Sawyer. Not like that.” She glanced down the hallway to the bedroom where Hank was still sleeping.

  Stella jerked her hand back. “Guess what, Mom, I’m about to graduate from high school, I can do whatever the hell I want to.”

  Sarah’s face hardened, turning her gaze to ice. “Not under my roof, you can’t.”

  “You’re roof?” A bitter laugh shot from her. “You mean Dad’s roof? Because I don’t remember your little volunteer job at the visitor’s center paying for shit!”

  Sarah shot a finger into the air. “You watch your mouth when you speak to me. I am your mother and you will respect that.”

  Stella stood nose to nose with her, chest rising and falling. “Why don’t you want me to see him? I don’t get it!”

  Sarah tilted her head to the side as if she pitied her daughter’s infallible idiocy. “Because it’s weird, okay?”

  Stella grew quiet, her anger stewing.

  Sarah clenched her teeth. “I told you, he’s your brother’s best friend. We’re all like one big family.”

  “Oh, bullshit, Mom!”

  Sarah slowly shook her head, disappointment dragging in her eyes. “Out of all of the boys you could possibly date, you pick…”

  “The one I love! What don’t you get about that?”

  “I get that you are going to break your brother’s heart and sever the relationship he cherishes most right down the middle!”

  Stella pressed a finger into the counter. “Sawyer and I were meant to be together.”

  Sarah rolled her eyes and turned for the front door, stopping next to her daughter on the way out of the kitchen. “No, you were not.” Her voice was low, like she was letting Stella in on a secret. “You will end it.”

  Incredulously, Stella watched her mother click her heels down the hallway, resentment curdling Stella’s blood. She feared some blowback but nothing like this, not from her mom. Stella thought Sarah was the one person who would not only be happy for her and Sawyer, but help them push Jase in the right direction as well. Something was off and it fed her rage. When Sarah yanked the door back, Stella lost control and released the demon coiling within.

  “I fucking hate you!”

  Sarah stopped with the doorknob in her hand, a silhouette in the morning sun pouring through the front door. The walls bulged with the pressure filling the house. Two boys rode by on bikes, laughing on their way to wherever the day took them. The sprinklers kicked on in the front yard and without another word, Sarah stepped outside and slammed the door shut behind her. A family picture went crooked against the staircase wall. A raw fury bent Stella’s face into someone else, someone who was not her. She’d never felt so angry in her entire life and it left her drowning in her own bewilderment.

  “What’s going on?” Hank asked, stumbling out in a pair of gym shorts and a wrinkled t-shirt.

  Stella kept her razor-sharp gaze aimed at the front door, searing her mother through the heavy wood and glass. “Mom’s an asshole, that’s what’s going on,” she said, tromping upstairs and slamming her door hard enough to send the dangling picture crashing to the stairs, where it splintered into jagged shards of glass and wood.

  Chapter Eighteen

  PRESENT

  Stella was thankful for her iPod. The quiet lake gave her slippery thoughts too much rope to run. She jogged the gravel trail encircling Lake Crystal, sweating the angst out of her body, running from the past. Her lungs burned with each long-stemmed stride. She pushed harder, squinting through the sunlight reflecting off the water’s surface. Sawyer’s words bounced around in her head. He still loved her. But could they really make new memories to bury the ones hiding in his eyes? Wonderful memories of a fancy wedding, a new house, and healthy baby girl would surely evict the pain dwelling inside. She smiled before the next thought crushed her dreams with a single blow. Her mother would never meet that baby girl. Never hold her. Never even know her goddamn name, and it pissed Stella off.

  She ran faster, like something was chasing her, legs screaming for a break. It would always come back to that. Every milestone in her life would, ultimately, end up living in Sarah’s shadow. Sarah would never meet her grandchildren, never spend another Christmas with her family, never know how much Stella cries every time You’ve Got Mail comes on TV. Stella arms pumped harder. Beads of sweat raced down the sides of her face. When Professor Sherman popped into her mind she felt guilty for the first time. What had she done? What had she become? She could see the shame in her mother’s eyes from here. Stella was so far from the girl Sarah raised it was numbing.

  She wasn’t hanging out with the wrong people.

  She was the wrong people.

  Stella dug her running shoes into the gravel, lungs struggling for air, sweat stinging her eyes. Had to go faster. Much faster. The cramp biting into her left side only served as motivation, her shortness of breath a minor annoyance. Gritting her teeth, she swallowed against the pain and blazed past an older couple out walking their dachshund. Blooming trees and bushes whizzed past, staining both sides of the trail with pink and yellow streaks. Turquoise Nikes slapped harder against the trail. She dodged a fresh pile of dog poop and rolled an ankle. White stars shot through her, quickly followed by a sharp pain.

  “Shit,” she panted, slowing to a limp and resting her hands on her hips. The sun beat down upon the back of her neck and she regretted ditching the tank top and shorts she’d originally set out on her bed. It felt colder an hour ago. Sweat soaked through her white t-shirt while the sun clung to her black tights like bees t
o honey. Stella turned off her iPod and, gingerly, tested the ankle. Pain rose through her leg and nestled in her stomach. She could do this. She kicked this trail’s ass a thousand times and this would be no different. Birds sang out from the edges of the woods as she limped along, the sharp pulses of pain diminishing a little with every other step. Something moved in the trees, drawing her attention. She half expected to see a pair of green eyes staring back and almost laughed.

  A clearing on the left side of the trail exposed the glass-like water that would soon be rough with ski boats and wave runners. Stella took careful steps into the grass, wincing with the uneven ground, and a dropped onto a black bench positioned to capture the scenic beauty laid out before her. She exhaled a heavy breath and redid her ponytail. The breeze was colder down by the water and felt good against her shiny skin, reducing her ankle to a dull throb. It would be okay. Everything would be okay. She laughed. Her tricks wouldn’t work on her but that didn’t stop her from trying.

  Sawyer still loved her, another woman was moving into her mother’s house, and Roman was probably half way to China by now. She would never see him again and that was just fine with her. He could have any woman he wanted and, a man like that, wouldn’t stick around for long. But he would always be her sexy, almost two-night stand.

  “Hey you!”

  Startled, Stella turned to the breathless voice coming from the trail and instantly brightened. “Hi, Wendy!”

  Wendy trotted closer, pulling her earbuds out. “Looks like great minds think alike,” she said, wiping her brow with the back of her hand. “Good day for a run.”

  “You look so cute.”

  Wendy looked down to assess her red tank top and black running shorts hugging her trim figure. “Well, I guess you never know when you’ll run into Mr. Right.” She sat down next to Stella and blew out a long breath. “I like to be prepared.”

  Stella studied Wendy’s pretty eyes and coffee colored skin that was as smooth as butter. “I can’t believe someone hasn’t snatched you up yet.”

  Wendy chuckled. “Who says they haven’t?”

  Sunlight glistened off Stella’s raised brow.

  Wendy suppressed a smile, studying her new looking running shoes. “They haven’t,” she said flatly. “Truth is, I’m in a bit of a slump.”

  “Oh, no. Have you tried loosening your grip?”

  “Ha-ha.” Wendy gazed out across the water, wisps of dark hair wet against her neck. “This town is too small, which is why I’m glad it’s almost tourist time.” She turned to Stella and grinned. “I need some strange.”

  Sweat trickled from Stella’s temples into her sun splashed lap. She couldn’t resist going undercover. “What about Sawyer?” she asked offhandedly, admiring her legs.

  Wendy leaned in closer, the smell of sweat mixing with her perfume. “I never mix business with pleasure but I wouldn’t get mad if he tied me to the bed. That boy has turned into a man.”

  Stella’s stomach tightened. “Yes, he has.”

  Wendy watched the sunlight skip off the water through faraway eyes, a relaxed moment pulling them in. “I bet his dick is so big.”

  Stella scrunched her nose up.

  Wendy laughed. “Come on, Stell, don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it before.”

  “Ew, no. He’s like a brother to me.”

  “You haven’t seen him in years. Things change.” Wendy turned quiet, twisting something over in her mind. “After we bumped into you this morning at the cafe, we went to look at his mom’s house and, for a split-second, I thought he was going to wrap me in packing tape and do me on his mom’s old bed.”

  Stella’s jaw came unhinged.

  Wendy shot a hand into the air. “God as my witness!”

  Stella laughed it off, trying to avoid looking as horrified as she felt. “That is so wrong.”

  “I know, but it was all I could think about. He’s not the skinny little kid from high school anymore and it’s been a while since…ya know.”

  Stella turned to see a gray crane gliding just above the water, imagining Sawyer with Wendy and shrinking a little inside with the morbid thought.

  “So you wanna tell me about Roman?” Wendy’s eyes tightened. “Things must be getting pretty serious between you two if he’s leasing one of the cutest houses on the lake.”

  The floor dropped out beneath her, leaving Stella fighting for breath. “Leasing?”

  Wendy leaned back. “He didn’t tell you?”

  “No, I had no…”

  “Hey, if you’re not into him I can make that lease fall through.” Wendy set a hand on Stella’s leg and squeezed. “I don’t want you to end up on Dateline, girl. No one needs to know the place wasn’t already rented with a mix-up in the paperwork. I’ll make him understand.” She smiled brightly. “It’s what I do.”

  The world swam around Stella in oblong waves, crashing to one side before throwing itself against the other. Her breath came in stingy hitches. It looked like Roman Weathers would be calling her after all. Suddenly, she wished she hadn’t left her phone in her car back at the trailhead. Maybe he’d already called. “No, he’s harmless.”

  “How long have you known him?”

  “Not too long.”

  “Where’d you meet?”

  Stella face-palmed herself, hiding from Wendy’s prying eyes.

  Wendy shifted on the bench. “I know we haven’t kept in touch as much as we should have, Stella, but you know you can tell me anything, right?”

  “We met at a motel on my way home from school.”

  Her eyes bulged with surprise. “How do you do that?”

  “It wasn’t like that,” she said. “Well, it was but it was also something else. I don’t know how to explain it.”

  “Well, he obviously saw the same magical comet you did and is now planting roots here in town. That’s no coincidence.” Wendy slowly shook her head. “All I know is that man is fine as hell. And that car...damn!”

  Stella’s head snapped around. “Car?”

  Wendy pursed her lips. “You don’t know this boy at all, do you?”

  “Not really?”

  “Do you know what a nineteen sixty-five Shelby Cobra is?”

  Stella furrowed her brow, a light breeze licking at her skin.

  “It’s a grab onto this man and hang on for dear life kind of car that can go for over ninety K!”

  Stella stared blankly at her.

  Wendy shrugged. “I Googled it on the way out to the house so I’d know what price point I was dealing with.”

  “Did he say why he wanted to lease the house?”

  “Just said he lived in the city and wanted a place to get away from it all, like everyone else who comes here for the summer. Who knows? Maybe he’ll buy it. Either way, I get my commission.”

  This couldn’t be happening. No one had ever gone out of their way for her like this before. Not even Professor Sherman, who once flew her to his winter home in Aspen for a weekend of skiing and hot tub sex. She still had the cashmere shawl he bought her on a whiskey-whim as the snow fell around them.

  But this was different.

  Wasn’t it?

  “Stella?”

  She turned to Wendy. “Huh?”

  “You know what you need?”

  Roman’s giant cock slithered through her mind like a python on the loose. “What do I need?”

  “Forget about lunch tomorrow. You need a good old fashioned girl’s night out tonight!” Wendy’s smile lit up her pretty eyes. “Just you and me and a glass or three of red wine.”

  Stella smiled warmly. “I have really missed hanging out with you, Wendy.”

  “Good! Because it’s Tulipfest tonight and we are going to turn that place upside down!”

  Stella shifted uneasily on the bench, sunlight exposing her drawn face. “I can’t tonight. I’m going to finish unpacking and get caught up on Revenge and relax.”

  Wendy’s lips peeled back into a slippery grin. “Bullshit!”

&
nbsp; *****

  Long strands of white lights dangled above the town square like an electric web, running from the streetlights to the county courthouse planted firmly in the middle of the green since eighteen ninety-two. A small crowd watched a long haired band play an up-tempo version of Seal’s Kiss From a Rose in the Hadley Gazebo while children darted across the courtyard with balloons and corndogs in their hands.

  Stella laughed when a little brown haired girl raced past after her screaming brother and his glow stick. Stella wasn’t sure if it was the magical atmosphere or the wine lifting her spirits but she was glad she came. Despite the fact that Roman hadn’t called, she refused to let it bother her. He leased a place right here in this little town and he would call when he was ready. She wouldn’t make the mistake of reaching out to him, not after last night at the B&B.

  Rule number five: Always let him come to you after exhibiting a rare moment of weakness – unless of course, you like sleeping alone.

  She took Wendy’s arm and crossed the blocked off street. “This is so pretty!” Her eyes roamed the colorful planters lining the square, her thoughts as light as a feather as they stepped up onto the curb.

  “See?” Wendy said. “Aren’t you glad you came?”

  “I forgot how beautiful Tulipfest was.”

  “Not me, I come every year.” Wendy raised her glass and wiggled it, swirling the locally produced cabernet inside. “For the flowers of course.”