Forgive & Regret

by Kaitlyn Cross

  Her heart sank as it all came together in her mind. He didn’t want a roommate. He wants a decorator. Fool! She tried to sound flattered. “Are you serious?”

  “Very.” His eyes fell to the card in her hand. “This way you can get in when I’m out of town.”

  The amber light of the fire splashed against the metallic card, glinting off the disappointment in her eyes. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say yes.”

  She looked up and his found his comforting gaze. “Yes.”

  He kissed her softly on the lips. “Thank you.”

  They grew silent for awhile, taking in the sounds of the lake in the comfort of one another’s arms. Stella was glad he couldn’t see the deep shade of red her face was turning. She resisted a face-palm and the sheepish chuckle that usually followed, rolling her eyes when he wasn’t looking instead.

  “Oh, and I also would like you to move in.”

  Stella’s eyes rose from the box in her hands, heart skipping a beat. The fire cracked and popped. With great effort, she lifted her head from his shoulder and looked up, her face drawn with shock. “What?”

  “Don’t get me wrong, I also want you to redecorate the entire place.”

  She stared at him, crickets chirping too loudly.

  “I thought that if, over time, you grew to like it there, you would eventually move in.” He turned to face her. “But I can’t wait that long. I’m gone a lot and when I’m home I want to see you, to be with you, to touch you, and I can’t always be here in Cottage Grove.”

  She forgot to breathe and looked down, watching his thumb swipe across the back of her hand.

  He paused. “We can come here almost anytime we want.”

  Stella couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth.

  “Look, I’m sure Vicky is a wonderful person and you might even have a lot in common.” He shrugged. “You could end up watching cooking shows and playing bingo together all day. Plus she can get you free books from the library.”

  “They’re already free.”

  His face turned sober. “But if you want another option, I’m giving that to you.”

  “I don’t need your charity.”

  “That’s not what I meant and you know it.” He searched for the right words, pouring through endless combinations at lightning speed. “I just want you to be happy.”

  This drew her watery gaze.

  “I want me to be happy. I want us to be happy.”

  She watched the fire reflecting in his eyes, turning the card in her fingers.

  “Would it make you happy to be with me? To live with me?”

  Almost on cue, the frogs stopped croaking and the crickets stopped chirping. The only sound was the frantic beating of Stella’s heart. Her mother passed through her mind. Stella refused to end up like her, refused to tear two families apart because she failed to make the right choice the first time around. It was impossible to be in love with two men at the same time. It was so clear now. A spark lit, illuminating which path she should take.

  Sawyer slipped through her mind.

  The choice already made.

  And that would never change.

  Stella filled her lungs with a heavy breath and looked Roman in the eye, ignoring the slight tremble in her hands. Roman drew back on pins and needles, lost in her eyes. A log popped and Stella could hear the ice settle in his glass. When she finally spoke, her voice barely rose above that of a whisper. “Yes,” she said, bringing a light to his eyes that no fire could touch.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  White twinkle lights and silver streamers dangled from the high underbelly of Talvert’s Bar & Grill to the knot-holed walls, making the place look like something out of a country fairy tale. Despite the magical aura, Stella couldn’t help but wonder if they were the same lights used at Tulipfest. She hoped not, praying they wouldn’t bring any bad mojo her way tonight. No, a graceful exit was for the best. She watched Vicky dance with Hank. Now that they wouldn’t be sharing the same roof, Vicky didn’t seem as much of a threat. In fact, she looked very pretty in the blue and black dress slimming her figure and setting off her blonde up-do. Vicky smiled up at Hank as they twirled about to a three-piece mariachi band tucked in the corner, the new diamond ring on her finger sparkling as brightly as her eyes beneath the soft lights. Stella took a long drink of her wine, thankful she didn’t have to kiss the woman’s butt all night long. In the end, she just didn’t have it in her.

  Instead, she buzzed with electricity and it wasn’t just the wine. She smoothed her red dress that stopped just above the knees and glanced at Roman standing next to her in a trim black suit and silver tie. He felt her eyes on him and turned his head to her, his subsequent smile softening her insides. She squeezed his hand, glad he was here.

  “How does it feel to be the most beautiful woman wherever you go?”

  A bashful smile took her lips by surprise. “You’re sweet,” she replied, kissing him lightly on the mouth.

  Wendy stopped in front of them in a green dress with gold stripes that showed off her running legs, a fresh glass of wine in hand. “Would you look at this,” she said, surveying the beautiful setting. “I feel like I’m in a movie.” She sighed. “Maybe tonight I’ll meet the one.”

  Roman tipped back a bottle of beer. “I know a few eligible bachelors I could introduce you to.”

  She looked up at him, eyes brightening. “Oh, I am down with that!” She paused to think it over further. “Do they have money? Do you think they’d be interested in a property just off the lake?”

  Stella exchanged an anxious glance with Roman while people twirled and spun around them. She glanced at a long table full of food on the other side of the room and nudged Wendy’s arm. “Can you help me grab some more wings?”

  “Sure,” she replied, following Stella into the kitchen where a delicious smell filled the air. Stella’s stomach grumbled, though she didn’t feel hungry in the least. She hadn’t eaten much all day and didn’t plan on changing that now. She was too excited to eat.

  “We’ll get the wings,” Stella said, motioning to four pans of different flavors.

  “Thank you so much, sweetie,” Jenny replied, using oven mitts to usher a large pan of her famous potato casserole out into the bar. “You girls look so pretty tonight. Hey, can you bring some more barbeque sauce as well?”

  “Sure.” Stella picked up a pink cupcake with a plastic heart stabbed through the middle.

  “Thank you, precious moments!”

  “You’re welcome,” she said, discarding the heart and taking a bite. She could already feel the wine going to her head and was only on her second glass. As soon as Jenny disappeared up front, Stella’s eyes scanned the empty kitchen for signs of life.

  “Would you look at all of these sweets?” Wendy smiled. “I can feel myself getting fatter just looking at them.” She looked up, face suddenly drawn. “We have to get out of here; I’m weak.”

  “You are not weak.”

  “I don’t want to have to go for a run tomorrow,” she said, surveying the food again. “I hate running when I’m hungover.”

  Stella locked eyes with Wendy. “Can you keep a secret?”

  Wendy looked up from the platters of cupcakes, lemon bars, and homemade cookies to find Stella’s expectant eyes. “No.”

  “There’s something I have to tell you.”

  Wendy’s eyes bulged. “Sweet Jesus, you’re pregnant!”

  “What? No!”

  Wendy threw both hands over her mouth. “You and Roman want to have a threesome with me! I knew it!”

  Stella folded her arms across her chest with a dull expression and the lids drawn low over her eyes. “Are you done?”

  Wendy bit into a chocolate chip cookie and shrugged. “I guess.”

  “Roman asked me to move into his condo in the city with him,” she blurted before Jenny came back. She didn’t want the secret getting out and spoiling Hank’s night. She wasn’t sure how he would ta
ke it. Given the situation at hand, he might be overjoyed. Who knew? But she wasn’t willing to take the chance.

  Wendy’s jaws locked up like a bad engine. “Get out of here.”

  “He gave me a key.”

  “And what’d you say?”

  Stella stared at her for a moment, her senses heightened. “I said yes.”

  “Damn!” Wendy said, forcing herself to swallow. “I have to say, I did not see that coming.”

  An empty keg flew out of a walk-in cooler around the corner and smashed into a rack of glasses on wheels with a clatter, scaring the daylights out of both girls. They turned to see Sawyer come stomping around the corner, pulling a cold fog with his boots. He brushed the dirt from his hands. “Neither did I.”

  Stella turned from his pointed glower and straightened her dress. “What are you doing in there?”

  “Changing a keg for Jase.” He stared at her, shaking his head like he just found out she recently killed three people in cold blood. “How can you do this?”

  She spread her heels and stood her ground. “Easy.”

  “You don’t even know this guy, Stella!”

  “I know plenty!”

  “You’re just afraid to be lonely.”

  “Sawyer, it’s none of your business what I do and who I do it with.”

  His burdened eyes flitted to Wendy, fog rolling in from the open cooler door around the corner. “Tell her she’s crazy, Wendy. You know she’s rushing into this and, as her friend, you owe it to her to speak your mind.”

  “I-uh,” Wendy said, her rare loss of words speaking volumes.

  Sawyer stopped in front of Stella and looked down into her eyes, chest rising and falling beneath a black dress shirt he hadn’t bothered tucking in. “Don’t do this.”

  She stared at him with her jaw unhinged, falling into those damn eyes while trying not to breathe his cologne that felt like home. “I…”

  He seized her hands and pulled her against him, igniting her doubt. “You were supposed to be mine.”

  The hurt look on his beautiful face took her breath, incapacitating her on every level. He was right. She was supposed to be his. None of this was how it was supposed to be and she longed to rewind four years and stop her mom from getting in that goddamn car. Nothing would ever replace what she felt for him. Nothing.

  Wendy took a slow bite of her cookie, eyes jerking between them.

  Sawyer set his jaw. “I love you, and I always will.”

  Wendy looked to Stella.

  Stella chased her breath, the color draining from her face. She felt dizzy and light on her feet. The room spun around her, making it difficult to grab onto the right words floating just out of reach. She filled her lungs, lifting her chest. “Sometimes love just isn’t enough.”

  Stella backed away and he pulled her tighter against him, whispering in her ear. “You’re embedded in me, in my soul, my blood and breath. I can feel you even when you are far away.”

  Wendy held the cookie in front of her mouth, eyes shifting to Stella.

  “Things end, Sawyer!” Stella pounded a metal table. “They wither away and die.”

  “You don’t really believe that.”

  Stella stared back, unable to answer, searching for a way to convince him of something she didn’t believe herself. But the hurt look on his face wouldn’t allow it. He’d been through enough already; she understood his losses and shut her mouth. He deserved better and it killed her that she couldn’t give him that.

  Sawyer tore his gaze from Stella and turned back to Wendy.

  She cleared her throat and thumbed behind her. “I’m going to hit the restroom real quick,” she said, backpedalling toward the hallway. “I’ll catch up with you two later.”

  Sawyer wielded his glare back to Stella, sadness watering his eyes. “Tell me you don’t love me. I want to hear you say it.”

  The fluorescent lights overhead buzzed in Stella’s ears, the mariachi music out front coming from a mile away. “I’m sorry.” She broke free of his embrace and turned for the restroom to hide.

  He reached out and spun her around, snapping her against him. His fingers curled her hair into his fist and pulled, raising her lips to his. Sawyer kissed her hard, struggling against her resistance, drinking his fill. Stella drew back and slapped him across the face.

  “Get it through your head, Sawyer! It’s over!”

  His eyes silently begged her to reconsider. “No,” he said weakly.

  “Yes! It is!”

  In a blur, he slapped a platter of cupcakes to the floor with an echoing clang and stormed out the backdoor, vanishing into the night in a heated huff. Stella watched the door slowly shut behind him. She wept for him on the inside and wanted to run out there and make everything okay because he deserved that, they deserved that. Instead, she stood planted to the kitchen floor, mourning a past that will never be.

  The cooler door slammed shut around the corner. “What the hell was that?” Jase asked, coming down the hall from Hank’s office. “And who left the cooler door open? We cooling the whole damn place now?” He stopped to examine the mess on the floor, his face drawn with confusion. “What happened?”

  Stella gestured to the backdoor and hid her tears with a hand. “Sawyer.”

  Jase stared at the backdoor, his brown sports jacket meshing well with his faded blue jeans and dark brown boots. He dropped his head and exhaled a weary breath, rubbing the bridge of his nose while people laughed and danced out front. “Look, I think you should give the kid a second chance, Stell. He’s a good man and he still loves you. I think he’ll wait for you forever if you don’t.”

  “What!” She violently shook her head, clearing the cobwebs. “How can you say that? You just punched him in the face last month!”

  “We’re all good now and we always will be. I don’t get to see him as much anymore but Sawyer will always be my best friend and brother.” His Adam’s apple bobbed one time. “He loves you, Stell, and I know how much his heart is breaking for you. And I think you love him too.”

  Her bitter laugh echoed in the room.

  Jase tipped his chin down. “Do you?”

  Stella stared at the mess on the floor, unable to look her brother in the eye. She opened her mouth to say one simple word made of two letters, but, stubbornly, it clung to the tip of her tongue, refusing to pass her lips. It only added to her anger.

  “Everything okay?”

  Stella and Jase snapped around to see Roman standing just inside the kitchen, his eyes surveying Stella’s watery eyes.

  She quickly wiped away the evidence and straightened up. “Oh, yeah, I just dropped a tray of cupcakes.” Sheepishly, she shook her head. “Such a klutz in these shoes.”

  He arched a skeptical eyebrow. “There’s cupcake all the way over here on the wall.”

  “Everything is fine, Roman!” She poured some of Jenny’s homemade barbeque sauce into a white bowl, groaning with her rise in volume.

  Roman stuffed his hands into the pockets of his black slacks and watched her work.

  Wendy clicked back into the room, looking from Roman to Jase. “What’d I miss?”

  Roman snorted. “Apparently nothing.”

  The backdoor whipped open, drawing their attention.

  “And here’s another thing,” Sawyer shouted, storming back into the kitchen and skidding to a stop when he found everyone staring at him.

  Roman tipped his head back. “Ah, here we go.”

  Sawyer searched the blank faces staring back at him, his hair a mess and shirt unbuttoned, revealing a black tank top beneath. “What’s he doing here?” he barked, gesturing to Roman.

  “Guys, come on now.” Jase held his hands up. “If you screw up my dad’s party he will kill you. The liquor tab alone is already over two grand.”

  Roman stepped closer. “I’m not going to fight you for her, Sawyer. Stella is a grown woman who can make decisions for herself, and I think she’s made her decision pretty clear.”

  “
You mean like when she went home with me after Tulipfest?”

  Roman lunged for Sawyer, grabbing his dress shirt as Stella shot between them.

  “Sawyer!” she said, shoving Roman back.

  Sawyer’s shirt tore, sending Roman backpedalling a few steps. Sawyer tore off the ripped shirt and hardened his gaze, drilling Roman with a heated glare, veins bulging in his rounded biceps. “You hardly know this guy, Stella. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  Roman threw the piece of Sawyer’s shirt to the ground.

  “Somebody tell her!” Sawyer looked to Jase and Wendy for help, making them fidget.

  “It’s not a contest of who I’ve known longer, Sawyer!” Stella moved to Roman’s side and took his hand, lowering her voice in a valiant attempt to control her rage. “I’m asking you to stop.” The music out front ended in a flourish, followed by a round of festive applause. “Please.”

  Sawyer’s golden gaze turned on Wendy, pouncing so hard she shrunk beneath its heavy weight. He held his hands out, the hint of a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Nothing?”

  Put on the spot, Wendy’s wide eyes swung to Stella – one of her best friend’s since grade school. She wrung her hands in front of her dress and looked to Roman, her newest client and a damn good one at that. Sawyer’s eyebrows rose into his forehead with impatient expectancy. Wendy swallowed and traded apprehensive glances with everyone in the room, each one silently whispering sweet nothings in her ear. There was a war waging in Wendy’s eyes as she contemplated a side to pick.

  Sawyer turned to Jase and shrugged, his black tank top cutting into the slabs of muscle around his shoulders. “Jase?”

  Jase raised a finger into the air and opened his mouth. His gaze swept across the room to find everyone watching him through suspense-filled eyes. He shifted in his brown boots. The music started up again out in the bar. Without moving his head, his cobalt blue eyes yanked to Sawyer. Sawyer cocked his head to the side, a desperate plea in his eyes. Jase cleared his throat and looked to Wendy for help. She turned away, shunning his uncertain gaze like it was contagious. Jase turned to his sister and blew out a stream of air to release the pressure building inside. His gaze found Roman next, tightening with the noose around his vocal chords.