Fix You

by Carrie Elks

  “Sweetheart, if your dad says he’ll be somewhere, he’ll be there. Unless there’s a major catastrophe or something is physically stopping him, he never breaks a promise.”

  He looked up at her, his face shining with hope. “I really want him to be here.”

  Hanna pulled him close. “I know you do, darling. And he wants to be here, too. He couldn’t talk of anything else when he called yesterday.” She gave him a small smile. “But regardless, you really need to stop teasing your sister. You’re driving her crazy.”

  “She drives me crazy,” he complained. “She’s always tagging after me and NJ.” Nathan Junior and Matty were as thick as thieves, despite there being two years between the cousins. It warmed her heart to see her children surrounded by family, like fish swimming in a sea of love.

  “I need you to be my big man today, Matt.” She knew he hated his nickname, although he’d always be Matty to her. “Without Daddy here, I need all the help I can muster to get this show on the road.”

  She looked around the camp, amazed at how much they’d achieved over the years. From an idea in Richard’s head, the Leon Maxwell Memorial Summer Camp had grown not only to encompass those children affected by 9/11, but now reached out to neglected and poverty-stricken children throughout the US. Hanna had been working all week with the 150 children to put on a show, and the performance was due to start in less than three hours.

  The field was already full of spectators, sitting on blankets and picnicking, waiting for the show to begin.

  “I’ll help, Momma.” Matty buried his head in her shoulder, and she was reminded of how much he’d grown recently. Like his father, he was tall, looking much older than his ten years.

  “Thank you,” she whispered in his hair.

  “Do you really think Dad will be back in time to hear me play?” he asked again. Richard had been away for two weeks, working with the Maxwell Foundation to provide aid to poverty-stricken children in West Africa. He had planned to arrive home the previous day, but emergency talks with the local chiefs had delayed his departure.

  “He’ll be here.” Hanna didn’t need to think twice. In the past eight years of their marriage, he hadn’t let her down once. He sure as hell wouldn’t let down his own children.

  “Okay then.” Matty was slightly mollified. She watched him lope over to the stage area where Tom was working with a group of roadies, trying to set up the PA system to his own exacting standards. Tom leaned down and whispered something in Matty’s ear, and Hanna put her hand to her chest, watching as the two of them started to plug in leads. Tom showed his godson where each one should go.

  “It all looks like it’s coming together.” A warm voice to her left made Hanna whip around. Claire was standing right behind her, holding a sleeping Molly in her arms. Molly’s thumb was stuck in her mouth as she sucked it voraciously. Hanna reached out to touch her soft, downy hair. At two, she was the baby of the family, and doted on by all of them.

  “I’ll be glad when it begins,” Hanna admitted. “The kids are all so jittery.”

  “It means a lot to them, having people come and listen. Most of them have never had the chance to perform before.”

  Hanna nodded, trying to swallow her tears as she thought about how neglected some of these children were. One week out of 52 wasn’t enough to make a difference, and it made her angry. She glanced across to the lake where Sean Flynn, the camp director, had organized a series of games for the afternoon to take the kids’ minds off the impending performance.

  “You and Richard have done wonderful things since you ramped up the Maxwell Foundation.” Claire reached out her spare hand and rubbed Hanna’s arm. “I’m so proud of you both.”

  “Thank you.” Hanna felt herself choke up. “We couldn’t have done it without you.”

  It was true. Claire had worked as hard as the rest of them to raise funds: organizing galas and charity dinners in New York. All things Hanna naturally shied away from.

  “I’ll put Molly down for her nap.” Claire pointed toward the hut that served as an office, where Hanna had erected a travel cot at the start of the summer. Hanna nodded and mouthed a “thank you” as Claire walked toward it.

  Claire and Steven had moved back to the States a few years earlier. They’d proved to be such a support for Richard and Hanna as well as their little family. Nathan and Lucy had settled down in Connecticut, and though Tom was still touring a lot, he and Ruby had made their base in New York.

  The city Hanna had grown up hating, had suddenly felt like home.

  She still loved London of course, and they took the children there often, staying in the beautiful house they’d bought in Putney. But she no longer felt the yearning, the desperation to get away from New York. Even though they lived in Connecticut now, she often traveled into Manhattan for meetings or to do some shopping.

  “Mom, Mom, look who’s here!” Lily came running out of the trees again, pointing her finger in the direction of the car park. “It’s Uncle Shake!”

  “Lily Larsen!” Hanna scolded. “I’ve told you not to call him that.”

  With his strange tics, and inability to keep his hands still, the children chose the nickname for Daniel Maxwell. It didn’t make Hanna happy about it, though.

  “He said he likes it,” Lily retorted, her red hair flying everywhere as she changed direction and ran toward her uncle, throwing herself into his unsteady arms.

  Daniel put his arm around Lily and they walked toward Hanna, a grin splitting his face as she hugged them both.

  “We missed you.” Since they bought their house in Connecticut in 2013, Daniel had been a regular visitor, staying for months at a time, living in the small cottage set back in the grounds so he could have some privacy. She’d grown used to having him around, and when he went away—which he did at least four or five times a year—she hated to see the empty cottage where he used to be. He was still a wanderer at heart, and she suspected that the specter of his addictions hadn’t quite been conquered. But he was still a dear part of their family and loved by them all.

  “I missed you, too.” He squeezed her waist. “Any news from Richard?”

  “He should be here soon,” she replied. “His plane was due to land by three. Matty’s beside himself with worry.”

  “Is he ready for his big day?” Daniel asked, his eyebrows knitting into a frown. Matty had been playing the drums since he was six years old, and Tom had offered for him to be the drummer for Fatal Limits’ opening number. His nerves had been growing by the day.

  “He’s scared to bits,” Hanna confessed. “If Richard isn’t here soon, I don’t know what he’ll do.”

  “I’ll go talk to him.” Danny was already walking across the grass, his right leg dragging as he strode. He cut a strange figure; looking like a young boy even though he was nearly forty. She was thankful he was here, along with Tom, to lend Matty some support.

  Checking her watch, she decided to join them at the stage. She was ready to start the sound check, needing to know everything was going to plan. Backstage was a hive of activity as everybody tried to ensure that all the last minute preparations were complete. From the electricity, to the sound, to the lighting, everything had been planned to go off without a hitch.

  “Hanna,” Tom whispered, wrapping his hand around her upper arm. “Can we have a quick chat?”

  She looked down at her clothes. She had about half an hour to get showered and changed into the dress she had hanging up in the office. The ratty cut-off shorts and band t-shirt she was wearing really weren’t suitable for greeting donors.

  “Sure.” She allowed herself to be dragged to the side of the stage.

  “Matty’s refusing to play. He’s suffering from a severe case of stage fright.” Tom’s face was colored with sympathy.

  Hanna felt her heart clench. She knew how important today was for her boy, how excited he’d been to play alongside his hero. To know the jitters were stopping him from fulfilling his dream broke her heart.
/>
  “I’ll speak with him.”

  Tom brushed his hand across her cheek. They both shared the privilege of being married to Larsens, and their familiar friendship had been maintained over the years. He and Ruby were named in her will as guardians for her children should something happen to Richard and her.

  Hanna found Matty sitting under a maple tree, his arms wrapped around his knees as he rocked in time to a silent beat. She guessed he was hearing music in his head; he was constantly singing or tapping out rhythms. Even at the age of ten, music was his life.

  He was like his mom in that respect.

  She flopped down beside him, mirroring his posture. He glanced at her, his eyes bright with tears.

  “Hey baby.” She nudged her elbow against him. She didn’t want to ask him what was wrong. She knew from experience it was best to let him volunteer.

  Matty grunted and dipped his head between his knees. His rocking continued, and she reached out a hand and wrapped her arm around his shoulders, wriggling on the ground until they were closer.

  They sat silently, and she closed her eyes, wishing she could absorb all his fears and take them away from him. She hated this part of being a parent; watching her child go through pain and fear and not being able to make it disappear.

  “I don’t want to play.” His voice was low when he finally spoke.

  “You don’t?” She asked.

  “I’m scared.” He said it like he’d committed a crime.

  “What are you scared of, sweetheart?”

  Matty played with a lock of her hair. He rubbed it between his fingers, letting it drop back to her shoulder.

  “I’m scared I’ll look stupid. What if I can’t match the beat to the song? What if everybody laughs at me and thinks I’m a douche?”

  Now wasn’t the time to reprimand him for his language.

  “You’ve practiced that song until it’s almost second nature,” she reminded him. “I don’t think you’ll forget the beat.”

  Matty huffed. “I don’t want to let you or Dad down.”

  She closed her eyes, lowering her head until her face was buried in his hair. She inhaled deeply. He still smelled soft and sweet, like her little boy.

  “Matthew, I can promise, you won’t let us down. I’m so proud you’re even going to try sitting up there on the stage. Even if you dropped every beat, I’d still be the one at the front with a huge grin across my face.” She tipped his face up until he was looking at her. “You’re my son. I’m so proud of everything you do.”

  A lock of brown hair fell over his forehead, and Hanna had to restrain herself from pushing it away from his face.

  “Do you think Dad will really get here in time?” His lip wobbled.

  “I really do.” She squeezed his shoulder, understanding what his fear really was. Not that he might mess up, but that Richard wouldn’t get there in time to see him. “If he was running late, he’d get a message to us somehow.”

  The smallest hint of a smile played on Matty’s lips. “Okay. I’ll do it.” He pushed himself up, kicking at the dust as he walked away. She watched him go, wishing he didn’t have to grow up so quickly.

  The final minutes passed quickly. She helped the roadies get the instruments ready and supervised the grips as they finished setting up the electrical equipment. As she was finally ready to go and get herself dressed for the evening ahead, she noticed a plug hanging loose halfway up the screen.

  Hanna looked around, trying to see if there were any electricians still around, but they’d all left to get a drink. She knew if she waited for them to come back it would be too late. She grabbed the worn metal stepladder and climbed it, reaching up to reconnect the hanging plugs.

  “Christ, you look sexy in those shorts.”

  She looked down to see Richard standing at the bottom of the steps. He was wearing a crisp white shirt tucked into navy pants, his eyes shielded by dark Ray-Bans. His smooth attire made her feel like a mess.

  “Richard!” She scrambled down the steps, jumping off the final few into his open arms. He held her under her butt, his hands digging into the cut-off denim as she wrapped her legs around his waist. He turned and pushed her back against the screen, his hips grinding into her thighs as he moved his mouth to hers.

  “I missed you, baby.” His breath was warm against her skin.

  Hanna moved her lips along with his, feeling his tongue push inside her mouth. He brushed it against her own, the softness contrasting with the hard grasp of his hands. She gasped at the way he made her respond.

  “I missed you, too,” she breathed when he pulled away. “So much.”

  He released her, letting her feet fall back onto the ground.

  “How was Namibia?” she asked

  “We managed to get the agreement to build the school.” His expression told her how relieved he was. “They should break ground next week.”

  “That’s amazing.” She stepped forward and kissed him hard. “I can’t believe you talked them round.”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “It took a lot of negotiation. It was good to have Dad there with me. They seemed to think his white hair meant he was in charge.”

  Hanna didn’t want to let Richard go. He’d been away for two weeks, and she’d missed having him in her bed, and in her arms. But she knew their children were as desperate to see him as she was.

  “Have you spoken with Matty yet? He was so afraid you might not make it in time.”

  “Yes, I saw him with Tom. He seemed cool as a cucumber.”

  It made Hanna smile. Matty was so desperate to please his father that he tried to show no weakness. Luckily, she was there to put Richard right.

  “He was having a major attack of stage fright, but I think he’ll be okay now.”

  “And how are my girls?” He slung his arm around Hanna’s shoulders. She leaned into his touch.

  “Lily is with Nathan and his boys, railing at the injustices of the world, and Molly is having a nap.” Hanna checked her watch. “Speaking of which, it’s time to wake her up and for me to change into something more appropriate.”

  Richard scanned her body with hungry eyes. “What’s wrong with what you’re wearing?”

  She laughed. “A threadbare t-shirt and shorts showing half my ass probably won’t go down too well with some of our donors.” They were nearly at the collection of huts forming the administrative center.

  “Fuck the donors,” Richard whispered in her ear. His hand dropped down to cup her behind, his fingers pushing beneath the denim and caressing her bare skin.

  Before they walked into the office where Claire was sitting, patiently watching over her granddaughter, Hanna took the opportunity to kiss the hell out of her husband.

  He kissed her right back.

  AFTER SHE HAD dressed, Hanna carried Molly out into the field. Her two-year-old was alert and content, her ringlets bouncing against her soft cheeks as they walked. Hanna loved these moments with her youngest. She’d been a much-anticipated baby, born after two miscarriages and a labor which seemed to last forever. After the roller coaster of emotions they’d put the whole family through, Hanna and Richard had agreed she would be their final baby.

  That didn’t stop Hanna from longing for more.

  She found Lily and Richard standing with a group of donors. They were all staring with rapt expressions as her seven-year-old extolled the virtues of the school the Maxwell Foundation was building in Namibia. Hanna wondered how long it would be before Lily demanded to go and see the building for herself.

  Steven and Claire were sitting on some garden chairs, and Lucy laid out a blanket next to them. She was feeding her brood with sandwiches, though Nathan seemed to eat more than the rest of the family combined.

  Ruby was behind the stage, watching Tom and the band as they kidded around with Matty, trying to make him forget his nerves. Hanna walked over to greet her, and Molly reached out for her aunt, who swung her into her arms, blowing raspberries on her chubby face.

&
nbsp; “Hey Molly-Moo. Did you have a good nap?” Ruby glanced up at Hanna. “Christ, she looks more like Richard every day.”

  “Lucky girl,” Hanna murmured. “And how are you feeling?”

  Ruby had entered her second trimester, though her stomach still hid the evidence of her pregnancy. She hitched Molly onto her hip and smiled, as her other hand reached out to rub her belly.

  “So much better. Tom says he’s glad I can stay awake after six. He was beginning to think I had some sort of sleeping disease.”

  Hanna reached out and stroked Ruby’s arm. She still felt maternal toward her, despite Ruby being nearly thirty. She’d always be her little sister, the girl who was afraid of going to school. She’d been so excited when Ruby and Tom had finally decided to try for a baby, and slightly amused when Ruby fell pregnant in the first month. Tom was already driving all of them crazy with discussions of names, and whether a crib or a Moses basket would be a better option.

  “Make sure you still get lots of rest. Think of it as saving for the future,” Hanna said wryly. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d managed to have an unbroken night. If it wasn’t Molly waking up crying, it was Lily having nightmares or Matty unable to sleep. Not that she regretted a single moment of it, but she couldn’t help but daydream of a freshly made bed and eight uninterrupted hours.

  “I will.” Ruby grinned, passing a struggling Molly back to Hanna. “It looks like the boys are ready to go.” She gestured over at the band who were in a huddle, arms around each other. Matty looked incongruous within their circle, his tiny arms next to their big, brawny ones.

  “Richard’s saved us a spot at the front.” Hanna and Ruby walked around the stage, pushing through the crowds of people gathered for the concert. Richard and Lily were standing with Nathan, while the rest of the Larsen clan had decamped to the bleachers. His eyes lit up when he saw Hanna, and he reached a hand out, pulling her and Molly into his arms.

  “What song are they starting with?” He had to speak loudly to be heard over the hum of the crowd.

  “He didn’t say,” Hanna replied. “He’s keeping it a secret.”