The Will to Love

by Selene Chardou

  “I forgot because you’re not in the know like I am and you haven’t seen Will yet since he left for the studio. Vogue Hotel, Spa and Casino are offering the guys a two year gig. That would mean moving to Vegas and settling down there.” She sipped from her sparkling water delicately while carefully watching my expression.

  “That’s awesome. I know how hard the tour was for everyone and for them to be comfortably situated and the crowd to come to them? They must be over the moon.”

  My sister raised one of her perfectly shaped eyebrows. “Are you seriously telling me you have absolutely no problem with them leaving L.A.? That would mean you would have to go to move to Vegas—hell, we all would.”

  I shook my head before I shrugged nonchalantly. “What the hell is so great about L.A.? I look forward to the change of pace. What’s gonna take place there that couldn’t happen here? I’m excited for the guys and glad they have been granted this opportunity.”

  The waiter interrupted us and we immediately ordered two Caribbean chicken salads just to get rid of him and resume our conversation.

  “I honestly wasn’t expecting that answer from you.” Sasha sighed and played with her fork in a nervous manner. “To be honest, Syd was totally against the idea and she is seriously considering leaving Kaz. It was very hard for me to convince her that would be bad for his image.”

  “Syd doesn’t give a flying fuck about Kaz’s image. All she cares about is herself. I’m not like that—you know that, Sasha.”

  “Yeah, I do, but please talk to Will first. Please ask him, point blank, if he plans to tell the world he’s gay, all right?”

  I smiled though it never reached my eyes. “I’m positive I can handle a task like that with my eyes closed.”

  BY THE TIME lunch ended, I was bone weary tired and wanted nothing more than to lay down and grab a power nap.

  I knew I wasn’t pregnant but all the non-stop working had begun to take its toll and it was hard being in charge of putting a coffee table book together. In a way, I was a bit pissed off at Syd for leaving me in a lurch because it meant everything became my responsibility. I had deadlines I had to make regardless what was going on in my personal life and right now, everything was as far from roses and hearts than it could ever be at the moment.

  I sat down in my personal office and began to go through some photos that I had to choose from for the coffee table book but underneath my exterior calm, a storm was brewing. I couldn’t continue to live a lie and if Will didn’t want to make a life with me then I refused to hold him back.

  I was beautiful and could get any man I wanted. Unfortunately, I still wanted the man who had become part of my life and if I was completely honest with myself, I wasn’t ready to concede defeat. It wasn’t what I did and the competition I shared with my sister was healthy enough but why should she be allowed a happy ending while my life turned to shit?

  If Will and I ended our relationship, could I continue to work for Scarlet Fever with no problem at all? Winter’s Regret would be a breeze because there was no one in the band I was attracted to but to continue to work with a former lover when we were no longer speaking to one another? Whether I was ready to admit it or not, if everything fell apart between the two of us, it wouldn’t end well, and there would be a constant undercurrent of tension that would eventually drive me away.

  I worked for so many hours, trying to hide my frustrations in the best way I knew how, I never heard Will come back. I didn’t even know he was in the house until the hairs stood up on the back of my arms and I no longer felt alone in my office.

  My fingers stopped typing on the computer keyboard and I abandoned the mouse as I turned around to face him.

  “Hey, babe. You look like you’ve had a tough day. If you don’t want to accompany me to Vegas, I understand.”

  What?

  Why was he inviting me to Vegas if he intended on coming out with Dominic’s blessing, though as shallow and self-serving as anything from Dom could ever be?

  “Why am I accompanying you to Las Vegas? Am I just your little side piece until you announce the big news and then you’ll dump me?” My hands flexed back and forth into fists. I could have easily knocked him out if I wasn’t so worried about rumors when he showed up to the recording studio with a black eye.

  “What are you talking about?” Will stepped closer and stopped suddenly when he observed my hands. “What did Sasha tell you?”

  “According to your press manager, you plan on pulling an ‘Elton John.’ I’m sure you’re well aware I have a vagina and most of the public isn’t going to understand our relationship at all. You realize that, don’t you?” I stood up and walked toward him before I stopped suddenly, unsure of what I would do if I did decide to touch him at that moment.

  “Yeah…” he trailed off before his crystal blue eyes met mine wearily. “Kaz told me about what I’m supposed to do but that doesn’t mean I plan to do it. If I wanted to come out, I would have done it already.”

  Will closed the gap between us and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Babe, my behavior has been deplorable and out of control. I don’t even know if I am allowed to ask you for your forgiveness. I cheated and cheapened what we had no matter how you look at the issue and…I’m sorry.

  “I never wanted you to feel like a fool or have people think you are a ‘beard.’ Kaz asked me straight out if I planned to come out of the closet and the answer is no. My sexuality is my own business. If I happen to fall for a guy one day, I would shout it from the rooftops but how does me saying I am gay help us to become a stronger couple?”

  “It doesn’t.” I murmured against the warmth of his body.

  “Then we can put this silly issue to rest. Now, are you goin’ to accompany me to Vegas or not?”

  “You bet your sweet ass I’m comin’.” I stepped away from him only slightly and looked into the gorgeous depths of his blue eyes. “Are we going to do this for real? I mean, are you truly serious about us being a normal couple? No more cheating, lies or regrets? Do you really want to be with me because if you don’t…it would kill me to walk away but I can.”

  Will let his arms dropped and grabbed my wrists in a possessive way. There was just enough force for him to let me know he was in control of the situation but not enough to truly hurt me. “Is that what you want?”

  “Of course not. I’m a selfish bitch and I want to keep you to myself. I hated sharing you with Grant but I put up with it because he’d already owned a piece of your heart and somewhere along the lines, I was stupid and allowed myself to fall in love. But don’t get it twisted, honey. I love you but I can’t go through anything like that again. Not with you…not without wanting to leave in the end.”

  “Then you have my word I will never put you in another situation like that. I’m not stupid and I know how badly I hurt you but…it was Grant and we’d been together forever. I know what I did was selfish and inconsiderate but you have to look at it from my point of view. He was the first person I was ever in love with.”

  A surge of anger coursed through my veins and I needed to put some distance between us to dampen it. His touch wasn’t making the feeling any easier for me. He had to let me go before I did something I regretted like slapping him across the face.

  Will must have sensed a change in me because he loosed his grip on my wrists and allowed me to pull myself free of his touch. I did it quickly like contact with him was akin fire and he’d scorched me all the way to the bone.

  I walked out of my office if only to get air and to rid myself of the claustrophobic feeling that was surrounding me. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, and ended up outside by the pool. I sat down on a lounge chair and willed the tears not to fall.

  How could a man hurt me by telling me the honest to goodness truth? He wasn’t nor had he ever been in love with me. Everything still came back to Grant and for some reason, my heart and head hurt and I was on the verge of a full blown anxiety attack.

  I felt his presence, even
if I wished it away and wanted him to leave me alone.

  I knew I had to pack, that our plane for Vegas was leaving tonight. I still had to pack but I was completely consumed by the state of our relationship. He’d dug his way completely under my skin and there was no room left for anyone else or rational thoughts on my part. Unfortunately, the issue came from him and not me. I had more than enough room in my heart for him but was there enough in his heart for me?

  I needed a drink but I needed a Xanax more. I fished an emergency one out of the platinum locket I wore that looked like a regular necklace but was actually a miniature pill box. I kept a couple of my precious anti-anxiety pills in it just in case I wasn’t close enough to my purse and this seemed like an emergency to me if there ever was one.

  The pill tasted of bitterness and my own feelings of contempt, rejection and anger for the one man I loved but who had chosen to reject me without even realizing he’d hurt my feelings in the first place.

  This was not how I envisioned the love of my life to be; the happy ending every woman wanted but somehow found elusive, was of my own making and I’d chosen my own fate. A life of never being enough, never being able to measure up, never being what the man I loved truly wanted because I didn’t have a dick.

  Sometimes it sucked being a woman and for me, this—along with periods, mood swings, and having breasts that were often more tempting to look at than my face—added up to one huge pain in the ass.

  Will walked outside and knelt before me. “Fuck. What the hell did I do now?”

  “Nothing,” I said before I turned to look at the pool and swallowed, the harsh bitterness of the Xanax pill still left in my mouth. “I realize everything that has happened between us is on me. Grant always came first and I was a distant second but now that he’s gone and has decided to make a life with my sister, I truly wonder if there is any room past that empty spot he’s left inside of you for me. We don’t choose who we fall in love with and God knows if I could take my feelings back for you, I would.”

  I paused and stared into those vast pools of blue. “But I can’t and I won’t. Now, the onus is on you. Do you or don’t you want to be with me? If you can’t, I truly understand because it just isn’t the way you’re hardwired. We were never supposed to be in the first place. However, if you do want me, then it has to be just you and I. No one else and certainly no one night stands or interlopers. I have to know I can trust you or we won’t work out. Do you understand that?”

  He nodded, his silky blond hair blowing in the soft breeze. “Of course I want to be with you or I wouldn’t have said no to coming out and I sure as hell wouldn’t have invited you to Vegas. If this works out and we sign this contract, this affects your life just as much as it does mine. I can understand if what we have isn’t important enough for you to uproot your life and change everything just to be with me.”

  “Oh, but it is…and my question to you is can you make that sacrifice because no matter how you look at our situation, you are doing something that is against your very nature. You’re denying a part of yourself to be with me and I can’t help but feel like I am the most selfish bitch in the world for making you do that.”

  “Listen to me,” Will said as he grabbed my jaw with both hands and held my face softly. “I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do. If you’ll have me then I’m yours. It’s as simple as that.”

  I nodded and we kissed each other on the lips before I embraced him. I couldn’t understand why I was holding on so tight and then it hit me like a baseball bat to the side of the head. I was scared if I didn’t hold him like he was the only man in the world, he might disappear and leave me all alone with my emotions and the thought was too much to bear.

  Chapter Four

  Will

  WILL COULDN’T BELIEVE how fast Laurel could pack but she’d prepared herself for a weekend in Vegas with more than enough time for them to spare.

  He knew why she was upset and afraid but it didn’t change how he felt about her nor did it make him want to justify himself any more than he’d already done at that point. Yes, he still found men to be attractive and women generally repulsed him but there was something about Laurel he found so alluring, exciting and sexy he was willing to trade all his usual awful thoughts about the female sex to put up with her.

  Will wasn’t Grant and he didn’t know if he could make her a life-long commitment but the good news happened to be she wasn’t looking for one, not at this point. She merely wanted someone to love her for her and he could appreciate and respect that.

  How couldn’t he care about her when she was vulnerable in so many ways though she also happened to be one of the strongest people he’d ever met?

  He admired her determination and tenacity to make things happen and more than that, he couldn’t help but be impressed how she snagged a fag like him and actually made him crave her as much as he’d needed Grant and his cock.

  Political correctness be damned, he could really give a rat’s ass about the whole “gay cause” and how he was supposed to “stay true to himself.” He loved Laurel in his own way and as awful as it was to admit, she’d always been his Plan B if Plan A hadn’t worked out.

  Will’s Plan A had walked right out of his life and into the loving arms of the perfect woman who complimented him in every way. Sasha had made Grant a better person and what she’d inspired in the music he made was pure magic.

  “You’re a drug but Sasha is my muse. Tell me, if you were me, which would you choose?”

  That was the last statement Grant had made to him and at the time he’d chosen not to understand but it all made sense now and he couldn’t plead ignorance.

  Though not artistically inclined herself, there was something about Sasha that inspired him and when an artist was inspired, there was no stopping that rush of emotion and feeling just waiting to be spilled onto paper, a music note or a beat.

  As clichéd as it sounded, Grant’s muse turned out to be a person and when a musician found one, they rarely let them go. It was considered almost bad luck therefore when she’d proposed her ultimatum, the decision was an easy one for him to make, despite him blowing a friendship and something much more intimate that had occupied his life for more than five years.

  Fucking women and their conniving schemes.

  Not that men were much better and if it had been another man, Will wasn’t sure whether or not he’d have been sitting in prison on manslaughter charges. The only saving grace about the situation happened to be Sasha and the position she held. She was their press manager and therefore untouchable.

  He might have hated what she’d done but he could never truly despise her. No one wanted to share their lover and he understood her logic.

  Will and Laurel left for LAX with more than three hours until their flight left for Las Vegas. It didn’t come as a complete surprise once they arrived at the airport lounge, Sasha was upon him like a cheap suit.

  “What’s going on?” she inquired with a cold tone in her voice. “Laurel doesn’t know what’s happening and neither do I. Are you coming out or what?”

  He glared into her cold amber eyes and wished he could just shrug her off. What the fuck was it with people and their need to know what was happening in his personal life?

  “I’m not coming out and I didn’t ask Kaz to clear it with Dom because it isn’t something I should need clearance for. Sexuality isn’t a choice and I didn’t decide at birth I wanted to be gay—it’s how I’ve always felt. If you can’t understand that then I pity you.” He folded his arms against his chest in a defensive stance and dared her to question him further.

  “Yeah, I know about all of that but cut the shit, Will. That is my sister’s life you’re playing with so if you wanna tell everyone about how you’ve been gay and how proud you are of your homosexuality then let me know so I can do my job. The world doesn’t revolve around you and Scarlet Fever is bigger than Will Cullen. You can be replaced but the band cannot, not when there is so much money on the
line.”

  “Listen, Sasha, I just told you I didn’t plan on making any sweeping gestures or surprise announcements the press concerning my sexual orientation. Is there something wrong with you’re hearing? Do you have to get the wax cleaned out of your goddamn ears to understand the words comin’ outta my mouth?”

  Her dark eyes flared. “You know what? Fuck you and I hope Laurel ends up dumping you in the end because you’re not worth it and the truth is, you never were.”

  He smiled though it was mirthless and never reached his crystal blue eyes. “Laurel isn’t going anywhere and I’m not making a statement announcing my sexual orientation because it’s no one’s fuckin’ business, you got that?”

  “Sasha, what’re you doing?”

  Will turned to see Laurel at the same time as her sister.