Desired Affliction

by C. A. Harms

  After I cried into her shoulder and eventually was able to steady my breathing I sat up. I dried my eyes and stood to change, “I know Kole isn’t Matt…they are nothing alike but it was just too much when I didn’t expect it to be ya know. Kole is a reminder of who I used to be. The girl before everything changed…the one that actually felt like life meant something.”

  We fell asleep in a silence as my mind wondered back to that graduation party when it all fell apart. I could feel him as he held me down and I was so drunk it took me a minute to realize what was happening. I tried to get up but he just pushed against me harder. I could feel his hands grip my hip under my skirt to slide me closer. I tried to scream out but he put his hand over my mouth and then I felt him shove into me as the tears spilled over and ran down my cheeks. “No…get off me…no stop STOP!” Megan climbed into my bed and whispered to calm me, “Shh Lex, you’re okay honey. I’m here…your safe.” I calmed within her embrace as she rubbed my hair and rocked me until I finally drifted back to sleep.

  Five

  (Kole)

  “Shh…Hope stop fucking yelling…just be quiet,” I don’t know what it was but every single time she opened her mouth I wanted to put the pillow over her face. It was taking everything for me stay hard right now. I just wanted to get it over with. Maybe it was the alcohol but I couldn’t get my mind in the game. “Kole yes…harder. Fuck me harder,” there she goes again. SHUT THE FUCK UP…maybe she was just to easy now. I don’t know what the hell is up with me I just can’t get into it. I faked the fucking orgasm just to get out of this torture. “I wasn’t done yet Kole!” There she goes fucking whining.

  “Well I was…you need to get going anyway its’ late and I need a shower.” I got up and slipped on my shorts. I ignored Hope complaining to me as I walked out the door.

  Climbing into the shower I let the hot water run over me and extended my hands out against the wall as I let it spray my face. I let my thoughts wonder over the night…

  The fact that Lexi kept popping into my mind was crazy. I remember her being this young little sweet girl. She had a crush on me back then and it was cute…but she sure as hell was not a little girl anymore. She was fucking hot as hell and that body. Oh yeah that body was fucking nice…sweet ass and perfect tits. Just the thought of her was getting me hard. What the fuck…I couldn’t get my dick to work ten minutes ago but I think of Lexi and I get hard as a rock.

  I needed release and hell if this is what it took…then I’ll go with it. I closed my eyes and pictured Lexi under me as I fuck her sweetness. Damn…her perfect lips. I continue to stroke myself as I imagine her tits bouncing with each thrust and before I knew it I explode. “Fuck…yeah,” my toes curl and her face is still there. ‘Kole what the fuck you are not a that guy’ I whisper to myself as a reminder.

  When I make it back to my room Hope is still there. What part of ‘go home’ didn’t she get. “Hope…get up you can’t stay here you know that. I don’t let girls sleep in my bed. Come on…get up.” After a few minutes and her pouting to me about sucking me off if I let her stay she finally left the room. “Fine asshole…I will just go find another warm bed,” I laughed to myself…like I fucking cared.

  Six

  (Lexi)

  Monday morning came entirely too soon. We spent most of Sunday getting our room organized and everything put together. It was actually starting to look like our own little space which gave me this weird sense of security. We never talked about the nightmare I had but Megan already knew what it was about so there really was no need to relive it.

  I tried to focus on my classes and my schedule. Why I had made Monday so crazy I was still trying to figure out…maybe it was my own little way of telling myself to go light on the weekends.

  After my last class was finished I was on my way back to the dorm when my phone began to ring in my bag. As I dug around looking down I walked right into the back of someone. “Damn it I…” I stopped midsentence once I looked up into Kole’s dark eyes. Why did he have to look so freaking hot? He smiled down at me, “Hey, you ran into me Sweetheart!” I couldn’t take my attention off of his mouth as I caught a glimpse of something shiny on his tongue when he talked...a tongue piercing. “No, um I’m so sorry I wasn’t looking and…sorry,” I brushed passed him to continue toward my dorm. That was embarrassing Lexi…stop drooling. When I finally found my phone I had already missed the call. It was Megan…I started to dial her back when I was startled by the strong hand that was resting on my shoulder. I spun quickly and jerked away, “Oh hell I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.” Kole held his hands up in the air. I stood facing him holding my hand out defensively, “Its’ okay you just surprised me.” I really just hated when people touched me I did not like feeling someone’s hands on me unless I initiated it and I had control.

  He stood facing me for a few more seconds before he spoke, “Listen I just wanted to make sure you recovered. After the whole Zack thing at the party Saturday and then you took off right after. I just never got a chance to make sure you were okay. You were really messed up…is that like a frequent thing?” Excuse me! A frequent thing well how in the hell was that any of his damn business…what an asshole. “Wow was it your goal today to be a Prick? For your information my business is just that…my business. Whether it is frequent or the first time I have ever gotten drunk before it isn’t something I need to explain to you or anyone else for that matter. Kole our moms were friends a long time ago…it doesn’t make you my babysitter while I’m here. I can take care of myself.” I walked off quickly without looking back.

  When I finally made it to my room my phone rang again in my hand…Megan shit I forgot to call her back. “Hello, sorry I meant to call you back,” I heard some people in the background. “It’s okay I just wanted to tell you I am over at the frat house with Radley…I was going to invite you to come over.” Yeah right not happening, “Meg its’ okay really I am just going to pop something in the microwave, take a quick shower and maybe watch a movie. I don’t feel like going anywhere but thanks. Have fun porn star…enjoy your man and don’t worry about me so much.” I heard her breath into the phone, “I always worry about you Lex. I love you and I hate that you won’t let anyone in. You need friends and you need to be able to have fun without drinking. I just wish you would get to know people.” I bit my lower lip to hold back the tremble, “Well I can’t Meg…I wish I could sometimes too but it is just too hard. If I stay a step ahead than no one can take anything from me, the last time I trusted someone enough to be with them…(I took a deep breath-shaking of the memory)…I just can’t get that out of my head.”

  She was silent for a minute, “Megan I am fine…please enjoy your night.” She sounded so concerned, “Lexi not every guy is like Matt. What he did to you was horrible but by you hiding…or the fact that you won’t let yourself get close to any guy that is just you letting Matt win. He took enough away from you don’t give him anymore…please.” I never responded I just sat there waiting for her to say goodbye, “I love you Lexi, are you sure your fine alone?” I took a moment to make my voice sound as steady as possible, “Yep, I am more than fine…I have a date with Edward and Jacob…Twilight Marathon starts in twenty minutes. See ya later babe.”

  We ended our call but I had a feeling that I wasn’t able to convince her…

  Seven

  (Megan)

  Megan hung up her phone but still continued to hold it in her hand and look at the screen. “Hey Babe, you okay…what happened?” Radley brushed her hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. “Nothing happened I just worry about Lexi being by herself and I just wish I could convince her to come over here.”

  “That girl is scary she just fucking went off on me. She used to be so sweet and fun. What the hell happened to her?” Megan whipped around to see Kole with his arm draped across the shoulders of some nasty blond bimbo. “Shut the fuck up Kole…you don’t know anything about her. She is a great person don’t judge her when you got some t
wo dollar whore hooked to your arm.”

  Megan walked past him and he grabbed her elbow. He released his hold on the girl, “Hope go wait in the kitchen.” Kole turned back to face Megan as the girl stalked off whipping her arm in frustration.

  He took his hand from her elbow, “Sorry I didn’t mean to be a dick…it’s just that Lexi went off on me…she was so on guard but all I was trying to do was check on her. When she was younger she was so free and just…different.” Megan tried to refrain from being so ready to attack when it came to Lexi, “Listen Kole you’re right…she is different but there are things that you don’t know. There are things that no one knows, just don’t be so quick to judge her.” She took a deep breath, “You can thank your jackass cousin for who she is today.” Megan walked for the door as both Kole and Radley followed her closely, “Meg Babe don’t leave…come on.” Radley begged but she knew she needed to go back to the dorm. Lexi hadn’t said anything about the confrontation with Kole which could only mean one thing she wasn’t okay when she said she was. “Radley I’m going to go home I have an early morning and I just think I need to call it a night.

  “Megan, wait before you go what did you mean about my cousin?” Kole asked as he wrinkled up his forehead. After Megan had said it she knew she would regret it, “I never should have said anything…just forget it.” She rushed off to her car and got in quickly pulling away.

  “Hey there Lexi Lou…I am home for some Edward vs. Jacob,” Megan announced as she walked through the door. She flopped down on the bed and looked around the empty room immediately grabbing for her phone. After the fourth ring it went to voicemail…

  ‘Lexi Nicole Warren I came home to watch Twilight with you and I am sitting in an empty room…where the hell are you? You better call me or get your ass home…Now!’

  It was 12:48 am when the dorm room creped open and Lexi walked in, actually it was more like she tumbled in. “What the hell Lex…Where have you been?” Megan jumped up and grabbed her helping her to the bed, “Holy fucking hell…Did you take a shower in a bottle of whiskey. Where have you been?” Lexi fell back onto her bed and rolled over mumbling something that made no sense before passing out.

  Eight

  (Lexi)

  “Oh my god my freaking head is killing me!” I could not believe my head it felt like it was cracking in half and my stomach was so queasy. I slowly sat up and looked at the clock, “FUCK!” I scrambled searching for clothes and my bag. I had class in twenty minutes. I quickly brushed my teeth and brushed my hair into a ponytail. I was bouncing down the hallway trying to get my other sandal on as I continued to hobble toward the elevator.

  I made it to class with not even two seconds to spare just when the professor came in I flopped down into my seat letting out a huff. What the hell happened last night? I remember walking into that club down town and that guy…shit what the hell did he say his name was? Todd, Toby…Trey, yeah that was it. I should not have let him get me drunk. I had never been so happy to see Radley before.

  He rescued me from waking up in a random stranger’s bed. He was so friendly and helped me into his car. I remember talking and him telling me not to tell Megan because he wasn’t supposed to be in the bars without her. I promised him and then I started rambling. What did I say? He helped me upstairs and once we reached my room he used my key to unlock the door going home once I was inside.

  I barely made it through class without puking. I needed to get some water…I was so hung over. Why I kept doing this to myself was the million dollar question. I really needed to find a new coping mechanism instead of binge drinking.

  When the professor assigned our first essay and then excused himself I grabbed my bag and walked out. I heard my name from behind me as I walked outside, “Hey Lexi, where did you run off to last night? I came back from the bathroom and you were gone.” No freaking way Trey…of course this is my luck, “Hi…um yeah my friend showed up and needed me sorry about not saying bye.” He followed me a few more steps before he put his hand onto my lower back causing me to flinch. “Please, don’t…” I spun around to face him and took a step back. He was giving me the look…the ‘I wanna hook-up look’…“I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to hangout sometime. I had fun last night…you are a riot.” I smiled very lightly, “I have to say that is a new one. People don’t usually refer to me as a riot. I am not that friendly.” He stepped in a little closer running his tongue over his lip, “I don’t know about that you were pretty friendly last night.” He was now in my space and I was two seconds from either kicking him in the balls or punching him in the cocky ass smirk he held on his lips.

  “Hey Lex, there you are…I’ve been waiting for you. What’s taking so long?” Kole wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I was too shocked to react. “Thanks for keeping my girl safe for me bud,” He pulled me along as he leaned over whispering, “Don’t punch me…you just looked like you needed rescued.” After we got out of the view of Trey he released his hold on me and stopped. “The guy looked like he wanted to clobber you over the head and drag you off by your hair. I just thought maybe I would offer my help…hope you weren’t into him.” I just rolled my eyes at him, “Thanks.”

  He put his hand on his chest and stumbled back appearing to feel faint, “Oh my god did you just…thank me? I may have to ask you to repeat that. Just once more please.” I shoved him back a little more, “Ha-ha real funny smartass.”

  I looked over his shoulder as two girls stopped about ten feet back from us. They were staring in our direction. The blond girl with entirely too much eye makeup crossed her arms onto her chest and glared at me. “Kole I think you’re pissing your girlfriend off,” he turned around to see who I was referring to. When he turned back to me he put his hands into his front pockets, “Hope is not my girlfriend…I don’t have a girlfriend,” he smirked. “Well whatever she is she’s glaring at me…I think you should go take care of her or I could just go Bitch Slap the look off her face myself.” He smiled and I turned to leave, “Thanks again…yeah smartass I said it again.”

  When I walked about twenty feet I turned to look back just casually. I was trying not to be too obvious but when my eyes connected with his he smiled and I had to turn quickly forward before he saw me returning the smile. What the hell I don’t do the whole butterflies in my stomach and happy chills down my back from guys smiling at me. Damn you Kole…pull it together Lex.

  When I got back to the room I had to suffer the speech from Megan about getting drunk and forgetting how I got home or who I was with. I promised I wouldn’t tell her about Radley so I had to feed into my slut image. “I am sorry Meg…I promise I never slept with anyone I met some guy who bought me a ton of drinks but another guy…a perfect gentleman I might add brought me home.” I hated lying to her, “I will stop running off to bars…promise.”

  “Lexi I worry about you. You are too good of a person and I know you are going to argue that with me but it is true. That god damn sick son of a bitch took something from you and he is off living his life while you suffer every day. You should be dating and falling in love while you cuddle and snuggle with some really great guy. Instead you can’t even take the elevator on some days for the fear of being alone with some guy inside of it. I just wish I could find Matt and expose him for the rapist he is…I’m so sorry. I know you hate when I say that word.” She was right the word Rapist made me feel dirty.

  “Okay enough I am going to take a shower and we are going to order a pizza. Then once the pizza gets here we are starting our marathon…deal?” She agreed with me and I snuck off to the shower with my bag.

  Nine

  (Kole)

  The fact that Lexi was still constantly floating around in my head was starting to make me question my sanity. It is not normal to see a chic every time you close your eyes. Okay so she was gorgeous and sexy…she had the perfect tight little body and tits that would fit perfectly into my palms. Oh yeah and that ass…I just wanted to hold onto it and squeeze.

&n
bsp; It was more than that though she really puzzled me. She was this hard shell on the outside. She tried so hard to push people away but when she smiles and it cracks just a little…I can see the old Lexi. The girl that had those dreamy eyes and beautiful smile was still there but for some reason she was doing everything she could to hide her away. I just wish I knew why.

  It was weird that I even wanted to know why I mean why did I care. I heard a light knock on my door. It creped open and Hope stood there in the entry. “Hey sexy, I was hoping I could spend some time alone with you. What do you say…feel like getting lucky?” I knew I had to slow this down…she was getting attached and the fact that she is getting jealous when I talk to other girls was too much. I stood up and walked to the door, “Hope…you are not my girlfriend. You know that I am not that guy…it was sex that’s it and now…it isn’t anything.” I slowly closed the door as she stepped back.

  Ten

  (Lexi)

  The rest of the week went on snag free. I kept my promise and I never went to the bar even Thursday night when Megan stayed over at Radley’s and I was alone the entire night. There was a party at the frat house just like any other Friday and Saturday night…I chose to skip it. My last attempt almost got me in bed with the ‘Infamous Zack’…I cringed at the thought.

  Sunday I made a run to the nearest store to pick up shampoo and some other items we needed. I was walking up the stairs when Radley was walking down, “Hey you…is Meg upstairs?” He looked at me different damn it I didn’t want it to be weird between us I promised I wouldn’t tell Megan. He stepped past me and down two more steps…he quickly spun around and looked at me. He was squeezing one hand around the other nervously, “Listen Lex…something has been bothering me since that night I gave you a ride home.” He paused looking around and then back to me when he saw no one else was around. “You said something and you were drunk I know but…you were serious. You cried and said…” He stopped and took a breath I felt clammy and suddenly nauseous. “You said that um…you apologized for being a mess and then you said that getting raped crushed the old Lexi and now you were just a waste of space.” The tears swelled in my eyes and I tried with everything I could to hold them back but it was pointless because they ran down my cheeks. That damn word again, “Rad…it was,” he cut me off. “Lexi you don’t have to explain okay you don’t have too. You don’t owe me anything. Just know that you are not a mess…your scared there is a huge difference. Don’t let that sick fuck mold the rest of your life. I told Meg that I was the one that brought you home, she’s not mad actually she was thankful. I can’t lie to her and I never should have asked you to. I also told her what you said to me and she said that I would need to talk to you because it should be explained by you if you wanted to.”