Desired Affliction

by C. A. Harms

  We woke up late on Saturday after sleeping in. I had gotten a text about midnight but decided not to say anything to anyone because I was done letting everyone hover over me. It wasn’t as bad as the other’s it just made me feel dirty…it was simple.

  Lexi remember no means yes…

  He really was a disgusting person. I just pushed it from my mind and went back to sleep.

  Radley had already called twice asking where we were. We are always late and yes mainly because I am a pokey person. Megan and I stood side by side in front of the mirror, “Girl we look hot…I love these costumes. Kole is going to love you in it.” I turned to her, “Kole and I are friends Meg…just friends.” She grabbed her keys saying ‘Okay whatever’ over her shoulder as we left.

  The party was in full swing when we got there it had been going for about two hours already. The alcohol was flowing and the music was blaring as people danced and laughed. We found Radley in the kitchen and he whistled as we came closer, “Damn ladies you two are the hottest angels here…and there are a lot of angels.” As I looked around I was shocked at how many set of wings I found. Most of them resembled strippers more than angels though. I found one that may as well have been wearing a bikini but then a bikini would have covered more. When I looked a little closer I saw that the half-dressed girl was Hope. What made it worse was the fact that she was slobbering all over Kole. He didn’t really seem to mind either. I had to turn away before I found myself binge drinking which I made a promise already that I wouldn’t.

  I made a deal with Megan…I was doing this party completely sober…I knew at that moment that deal was going to prove to be one of the hardest things I had ever agreed to do. Megan sensed my anxiety and grabbed my arm to drag me to the dance floor, “Get your hot ass out here.”

  The DJ really had the dance numbers falling one after the other as Meg and I just cut lose. Sober dancing I had to admit was definitely easier than my normal state.

  I pushed Kole to the back of my mind and I enjoyed my best friend as Radley laughed at us and stood guard while we continued to dance. I wasn’t sure how long he had been watching but the next time I looked up I found Kole now standing next to Radley with a beer in one hand and Hope attached to the other. Our eyes locked and he never smiled he just stared directly at me. My stomach immediately felt nauseous.

  Twenty

  (Kole)

  I hit the alcohol early before the party even started. I was pissed that Lexi turned me down. I don’t date and I was willing to make an exception for her. So fuck it…I don’t need her to have a good time. I have had plenty of parties before her so fuck her.

  But damn she looked hot as hell. Watching her dance was so fucking sexy. She had this thing where she bit her lower lip when she was working her body to the music. I don’t even think she realizes just how sexy she is. I fought the urge to go to her and kiss her right there in the middle of everyone. Watching her rotate her hips and wiggle to the music was really a turn on.

  She looked at me and caught me staring but I never looked away. Lexi grabbed Megan arm and they were now walking toward us. Her eyes connected with mine once again and then I followed them as she looked to my right. Fuck I forgot Hope was on my arm. I got so wrapped up in watching her dance I had forgotten that I still had my arm thrown over Hope’s shoulders.

  They continued passed me and Radley followed closely behind. I moved my arm off Hope and I walked in the direction of the kitchen but she stayed close behind me.

  Lexi had a bottle of water and I have to admit it made me feel good that she was choosing to stay sober. She wouldn’t look at me I was watching when she walked toward the patio door. I moved quickly meeting her before she could escape, “I thought we were hanging out tonight.” I leaned toward her and watched her eyes. She slowly looked at me and then over at Hope who still appeared to be glued to my side. When she brought her attention back to me she looked cold which only pissed me off more. “That would be kind of hard with your shadow never leaving your side…it appears to me that you have had plenty of company. From the looks of it I can almost guarantee that you won’t be lonely tonight.” I watched her for a second she was so withdrawn anger overcame me, “No, I most definitely will not be alone tonight.” I reached out and threw my arm over Hopes shoulders and drug her off. Fuck her she doesn’t have the right to be jealous I wanted to be here with her but she declined. I planned on having fun and Hope wasn’t the one I wanted but hell I was drunk so I would get through it.

  I noticed them leaving and I wanted to go after her but decided against it…I wasn’t this pussy ass guy that was going to follow some girl around. Fuck that…

  Twenty One

  (Lexi)

  I avoided the calls that came from Kole the next morning. I was glad I hadn’t let our relationship go any further I would have been setting myself up for heartache. I couldn’t take heartache…who was I kidding my heart did ache. I secretly wanted to say yes. I wanted to be the girl he snuggled and kissed. I wanted to be the girl he woke up with this morning. That was why I had to stay away. I was letting myself think of a happy ending. What a joke there are no happy endings…not for me.

  I was avoiding any place I knew he would be. I stayed hid most of the time and I didn’t call him back or respond to his texts messages.

  Over the next couple weeks the texts from Matt became more frequent. He was using prepaid phones because it was always a different number with things that made my skin crawl…

  I loved when you put up a fight

  No means yes…you know that right

  You know it turned you on

  You loved it…all of it

  I could go another round what do you say…wait who cares what you say

  I tried to hide it all from Megan she deserved to live her life not to worry about me because I am being weak. I dealt with it alone. I never told anyone after it happened so now I had to live with it. Who would believe me if I turned him in now it was my word against his. I should have said something when it happened but I just ran instead…I guess it was time to change my number.

  It had been almost three weeks since the party and I avoided Kole constantly. He still would randomly text or call but I never responded. I found myself falling back into that familiar dark place, the one where I just went through the daily motions without feeling anything. I acted as if I only needed myself. I pushed everyone away. I was depressed and lonely. I closed myself off.

  I came home one day to find Radley, Megan and Kole sitting in my dorm room waiting for me. I looked around at them slowly noticing some pamphlets next to Kole on the bed. I picked them up, “What the fuck are these?” I threw them on the floor when Radley spoke up, “I brought them…I just thought maybe…” I was furious I was so tired of feeling the way I did, “You thought what Radley….let me ask you something. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be held down and to have someone rip your clothes off and then force you to have sex…but you can’t scream…you can’t scream because they have their hand on your mouth covering your face so tightly that you feel like you might just pass out if they don’t let you breathe soon. (I was sobbing at this point) Do you have any idea what it feels like to have that same person not rape you once but after they are done the first time and they have just stripped you of your innocence they flip you over shove your face into a pillow and push your legs apart…to only rape you a second time. Do you Radley?” Megan was now crying and if I wasn’t imagining things it appeared that both Radley and Kole now were looking back at me with glossy eyes.

  “You all can take your fucking intervention and shove it…When you have went through that then call me and we can talk. You all sit here and pretend you can fix me. You can’t fix me. I don’t exist anymore okay I am a shell of my former self…just going through the motions. You want to know who I am…fine (Megan hollered out for me to stop but I didn’t)…I’ll tell you who I am. I was stupid I willingly followed Matt to that cabin. I went upstairs with him because I was th
at stupid little virgin that thought the guy with the college basketball scholarship actually liked me. When he was done with me he told me no one would believe that he raped me. He could have had anyone. I believed him so I hid out I never reported it I just went home. I tried to forget but almost five weeks later…”

  Megan walked toward me, “Stop you don’t have to tell them…please let’s stop this.” I pushed her away when she tried to hug me I was past the point of giving a shit who knew anymore. “No, they want to know what happened I’m telling it all…five weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was scared to death I couldn’t tell Matt. I couldn’t tell my mom so I hid it. I never went to the doctor…like it would just disappear. I secretly hoped it would but then I found myself on the bathroom floor screaming in pain and my mom took me to the emergency room. I miscarried and I felt sad because I lost my baby. It was my fault I should have gone to the doctor. My mom called me a slut, she kicked me out so…that’s what I became…just another slut. For the next four months I woke up in the beds of random strangers. I would go out and get so fucking loaded I wouldn’t know my own name and when I woke up the next morning that is when I would realize what I did…drinking helped me not feel anything…it was the only way I could stand to be touched without freaking out. I hate the thought of anyone’s hands on me so I drank to help me through it. Maybe in some way I was hoping that I could start to accept when someone touched me.” I looked at Kole, “So there you have it. I don’t know how many guys I have slept with and if you asked their names I couldn’t tell you that either. I am a nasty whore and that is why I said no to the date…I’m not good enough.” I wanted to say more I wanted to tell him that I hated that now I wouldn’t have him in my life. I wanted to beg him to not hate me, to not be disgusted when he looked at me…but I just turned and left.

  I sat on the grass outside and leaned against the building. I cried into my hands quietly pulling my knees to my chest and I buried my face. “Lexi,” his voice sounded unsteady. I looked up finding Kole lowering himself to straddle my feet and put his hands onto my knees. He looked directly into my eyes, “Are you okay?” He could stop pretending now, “I’m fine you don’t have to worry about me…your free now. You can just pretend you never met me.” He placed one hand one each of my cheeks, “I’m not going anywhere Lexi…everything you said…yeah I had to take a few minutes to let it all sink in. None of what you just told me makes me want to walk away…if anything it makes me want to hold you tighter. I don’t know how to explain it Lexi but I want to protect you, I want to hold you and tell you that you never have to feel hurt like that again. Don’t push me away Lexi…please don’t push me away. I don’t want to walk away.”

  What was I supposed to say to that…after everything I just said why would he want me anywhere near him? How could he look at me? He stood up helping me to my feet as he pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me securely. “I am not going anywhere even if you want me to. You can’t get rid of me Lexi. You are the first girl that I actually want to spend time with and knowing everything about you doesn’t change that. I just feel closer to you. I want to be here for you Lexi. Let me give you more because there isn’t anybody that deserves it more than you do.” Kole bent down and kissed my lips softly, “Please give me a chance to show you what it feels like to have someone care about you, because I care about you Lexi more than you know.”

  I couldn’t answer him because I had the biggest lump in my throat but I did the only thing I could think of to let him know what I needed…I kissed him. We stood there for a few more minutes while he held me. He took my hand and laced his fingers with mine as we walked back to my room. When I reached for the handle I paused for just a second, “Are you still going to see Hope?” He traced my lower lip with his thumb and then brought his lips to mine once, twice and then whispered, “From this moment you’re the only one I plan on spending time with.”

  Kole and I ended up sitting in my room talking alone. Megan and Radley had left and went back to the Frat house. Radley called Kole’s phone and told him to convince me to come back there because Megan was a wreck and felt horrible about what happened. I knew I needed to talk to her. I did feel better that I let it all out. I felt relieved that I didn’t have to hide my insecurities and fear. Kole wasn’t looking at me like he pitied me which was one of my biggest fears.

  Twenty Two

  (Kole)

  I couldn’t believe that Lexi was actually allowing me to hold her. She fell asleep against my chest and it felt really nice. I loved that after everything she finally confessed she was actually able to feel comfortable with me. I would never hurt her. I hated what she went through and hearing her confess the details shredded me. No one should ever have to go through such a horrible experience.

  I stayed very still as her head rested on me I was afraid to wake her. I just watched her breath slowly and listened as it rose and fell with a peaceful rhythm. I felt so protective of her. I knew at that moment that I wanted to do whatever I had to do to make sure no one hurt her again. I brought my hand to her cheek lightly brushing the loose hair away that had fallen from her hair clip. She smelled amazing like coconut.

  I grabbed a pillow to put in behind my neck because it was starting to cramp slightly. Lexi had her arm draped across my stomach and when she felt me move she gripped me tighter. I wasn’t leaving her she could let that fear go…I had every intention of making her feel secure and safe. The movie that was playing had ended and I couldn’t reach the controller so I just watched her breath and slowly I drifted to sleep.

  I felt her pulling away from me, “Where you going?” I opened my eyes to see here standing next to the bed. “Sorry I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you. I’m sure you’re uncomfortable,” she was watching me. I could barely see her expression from the light of the television. I smiled up to her, “I wasn’t uncomfortable. I actually was really kind of perfect…until you moved.”

  I wasn’t sure what she was thinking but I waited for her to respond. Just when I thought I freaked her out she surprised me, “Do you mind staying here all night…it’s actually comforting to have you here.” I stood and pulled down the covers. Once I crawled back onto the bed I reached my hand out to her and she slowly got into the bed with me. We were so close and she seemed okay with that. I wrapped her in my arms and pulled her closer, “Lexi you know you can trust me right…I wouldn’t hurt you.” She nodded her head and I squeezed her to me just a little tighter. I once again drifted off to the slow rhythm of her breathing.

  Twenty Three

  (Lexi)

  The next couple of day’s things became less nervous between Radley, Megan and me. I convinced Megan that by me telling the guys and talking about what I went through actually made life a little easier. I felt like I didn’t have to hide anymore. Kole knew and he accepted all my faults. He wasn’t letting me stay at the dorm though unless Megan stayed too and even then he tried to con me into staying with him. We have done a lot of cuddling and kissing but that is it…I am slowly being able to tolerate his touch without panic or anxiety. I was getting used to sleeping in his arms and when I did I felt safer than I had in months.

  It was a week before Thanksgiving and we were laying in his bed talking as I was securely tucked into his chest and his chin was rested onto my head. “Your tattoo I never asked but…that verse is that because you lost your baby?” I nodded into his neck, “Yeah and just all of it. It seemed to fit the entire summer. I got it a few weeks before I came here.” He slowly raised my shirt enough to see the words as he traced them with his fingertip and he pulled his body up to slide down closer. When he was hovered just over my side he bent and kissed me right over the words. The gesture pulled at my heart and made my pulse race. I reached down the grab him pulling him to me as our mouths met in a sweet kiss that quickly turned into more.

  I felt his tongue piercing flip against my tongue…I was really learning that I loved that piercing. His body holding me securely, he made me
feel like nothing in this world could hurt me as long as I was right there being held by him. I reached over his back as I began gathering his shirt and pulling it up over his head. He looked into my eyes, sinking his lips back to mine. He watched me as he kissed me then slowly allowing his eyes to close again.

  He gathered my shirt up exposing my stomach as he slowly ran kisses down my neck and then onto my belly flipping his tongue along the way. I felt a little sense of panic but I pushed passed it and continued to breathe steadily. Kole wouldn’t hurt me and I know that. This was what I wanted and I quickly pulled myself back together and focused on the feeling of his kiss…of his tongue as it now made its’ way back up. Kole brought my shirt up slowly and lifted it over my head. The desire in his eyes was driving me insane. He looked unbelievably sexy. He was still up on his knees above me as he tossed my shirt to the floor. I quickly rose up to unbuckle his jeans. He bit his piercing between his teeth watching me reach into his pants to wrap my hand securely around him. I slowly stroked him before I lowered his jeans and boxers to expose his erection. I looked up into his eyes as I brought my tongue to the tip slowly licking and sinking him into my mouth, “Fuck…Lex!” He closed his eyes and let his head slowly fall back. I continued to take him into my mouth and roll my tongue along his entire length. I used my hands to stroke him as I continued to take him deep into my mouth. After a few more strokes he placed his hand onto my cheek, “Lay back Lex…I want to taste you.”

  If it was possible to cum from a man’s voice and words alone I would have right then. Kole and his mouth, his tongue with that sexy piercing oh yeah I wanted this. I lowered myself back onto the bed as he worked my jeans free and in one quick movement he removed them and my panties. He lowered his body where he was now between my thighs wearing that sexy grin. He licked his lips and brought his mouth to my wetness…his eyes never leaving mine. Kole slowly traced his tongue along my folds from the bottom to pause over my clit and lightly flip the bell over my swollen and very sensitive nub. “Oh yeah,” I moaned and he continued the tease. He repeated this until I felt the pressure build and I grabbed the side of his head, “Don’t stop…oh my god…yes.” He focused on the one spot that threw me over the edge and I exploded with extreme pleasure from the most intense orgasm ripping through me. He continued to slowly run his tongue over my swollen wetness.