Desired Affliction

by C. A. Harms

  I hated hearing him talk about her like that…there was more to the story the girl he was describing didn’t sound right.

  ‘Nah dude…I think I’ll pass she just came to a few parties here at the fraternity and one of the guys was um…he was asking about here. I thought I would ask you since you went to the same school’

  He laughed lightly

  ‘Well tell your friend she likes it rough…hey nice hearing from ya…catch ya later’

  Something was off about the whole thing. The phone call just pissed me off and I still had no idea why she was so guarded.

  I started my car and went to look for Lexi.

  Sixteen

  (Lexi)

  “Come on…no more,” I was so drunk and if I drank anymore shots I felt I might get sick. I could feel them starting to rise back up into my throat. I didn’t want to puke…I just wanted to forget about what had happened earlier. “I think I’m done…I won’t be much fun with my head suspended over the garbage will I,” here I was in a damn bar doing just what I told Megan I wouldn’t do. Then again she did share secrets about my life she swore she never would so…hell with it.

  “Let’s get out of here,” I was ready to lose myself yeah I know tomorrow I will regret it but tonight I could for a short time pretend that it didn’t make my skin scrawl when a man touched me because…I was numb and when I’m numb I can handle it…

  About ten thirty I stumbled through the door of the Fraternity and I wasn’t alone. Zack and I had been having a little party of our own and I was completely wasted as he held me up. One of the other guys in the house hollered over his shoulder in our direction as he was leaving, “Dude you seriously want to get your ass beat don’t you…better hope Kole isn’t home.” I was coherent enough to hear Kole’s name and I looked at Zack as he threw me up over his shoulder and began climbing the stairs.

  I knew the moment I was on the bed because he had basically dropped me and then pulled his shirt off before he fell onto the bed himself. I was so messed up and knew it. I barely realize he was even kissing me. I felt like I was fading in and out. I could feel my shirt being tugged off, “Damn you are so fucking hot.” I wanted to tell him to stop talking I didn’t want to hear him…but once again I faded. This time when I opened my eyes I felt his hand going into the front of my pants which had been unzipped and were now barely up. I was numb fading into darkness.

  There was a pounding coming from the hallway and someone yelled, “Unlock the fucking door now or I’ll bust it in.” After a few more hard hits I knew it was Zack’s door someone was beating on. “Stay here…right like that. Seriously don’t move…damn...I’ll be right back,” He crawled over me and went to the door. When he opened it someone pushed passed him hard and light spilled in from the hallway. I felt myself being lifted and moved. Someone had wrapped something around me and then I was again put down carefully onto a bed. A large cover was brought over my body then I felt the bed shift next to me like someone had sat down. I was fading again and had no energy to look in that direction.

  I fell into the darkness…

  Seventeen

  (Kole)

  “She’s asleep…she can stay in my room. Someone better tell Zack to stay away from me because I seriously feel like beating his fucking ass right now,” I ran my hands threw my hair. Radley laughed, “He left real fast Kole, when he saw the look on your face after you found Lexi he bolted, I have this feeling we won’t see any more of him tonight.” Radley placed his hand onto my shoulder and squeezed before he led Megan to his room.

  I slowly opened my door and went back into my room. I could barely see her under the big cover. I slowly lowered myself onto the bed next to her. She was passed out and there wasn’t anything that would wake her from the current state. The room was barely lite from the fish tank light but I could see the side of her face. Lexi was lightly snoring and I had to admit it was really cute…she wouldn’t think so I’m sure. I let my mind wonder back to the earlier phone conversation.

  I was starting to put things together and had a sick feeling that I already knew what had happened with Matt. The thoughts that ran through my head since I hung up actually had my stomach in knots. I knew I wanted her to talk to me…I wanted to hear it from her. I also realized that the chances of that happening were slim.

  I finally fell asleep after watching her and listening to her breath for over an hour. She was really a beautiful girl. I let my mind wonder back to when we were younger and I would give her piggy back rides to the ice cream store right down the road from her house while our mother’s sat on the porch talking. Back then she seemed so small and young. I guess the three year difference really didn’t seem like much now. The little crush she had on me then was so innocent. Now the attraction was definitely mutual…I could feel it every time I looked at her. I don’t know if it was lust or something more but for the first time I found myself feeling protective of a girl…I wanted to keep her safe and that was a new feeling.

  Eighteen

  (Lexi)

  I woke up and looked around the room…where the hell was I? I crawled in bed again with some guy and remembered nothing! I turned to look over to the stranger lying next me as I always did and I almost screamed. Kole…oh shit! I guess I could forget about not wanting him to know this side of me…he had seen it firsthand. I couldn’t believe I slept with him…out of all the times I had screwed someone and woke up blank…this would have been the one time I wanted to remember. The next few steps I took were entirely too familiar…sneak out of the bed-find my clothes…wait I still had on my pants and my bra.

  What the hell happened? Maybe we didn’t sleep together. I stood at the end of his bed looking down at him silently admiring his muscular back and how the tattoo ran all the way down his arm. His arms were so defined and sexy. I wish I could remember last night were those around me...did we kiss…anything?

  I turned to grab my shirt off the floor and was startled by Kole’s scruffy voice, “You don’t have to sneak off.” I kept my back to him as I released the breath I was holding in, “I wasn’t trying to sneak…I was just leaving.” He didn’t say anything but I could hear the movement of the sheets on his body as he crawled out of bed. I suddenly felt him close behind me. I could smell his cologne, “Nothing happened between us Lexi. You just slept here. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to you.” I hated the thought of him seeing me last night I knew I had to be ridiculous considering I remembered nothing. I was embarrassed I did not want him to have that opinion of me. I would not admit it to anyone but myself but I cared what he thought of me…that is why I can never get to close because then he would know just how horrible I am.

  I knew I needed to get out of there, “You shouldn’t worry about me Kole. I don’t need you to. I don’t really need anyone too.” I walked for the door as he came up quickly behind me. I felt his arms wrap around my waist and he buried his nose in my hair, “Its’ okay to let people in Lexi…you can trust me. Just talk to me.” I pulled against him trying to get free, he slowly released me. After I had the door open and was able to let go of the entrapped feeling I turned to faced him, “I made the mistake almost six months ago of trusting the wrong person…I won’t ever make that mistake again.” I turned quickly and left.

  I kept myself busy over the next couple days. I tried to avoid Megan and once she figured that out she started staying at Radley’s. I can’t say it didn’t make things easier but deep down I really missed her. I wasn’t ready to forgive her yet. I was hurt by the feeling of being betrayed by my very best friend the one person I trusted with my secrets.

  I was lounging in my pajamas on Tuesday night watching some really bad reality TV when my phone beeped indicating an incoming text. I crawled slowly out of bed and walked over to the desk were it was charging. When I opened it I immediately felt ill…

  ‘You made one huge mistake bitch! You opened your mouth and you’ll be sorry!’

  The next text was worse than the first.

 
; ‘Don’t worry I let Kole know just what kind of person he is dealing with…I nasty little Slut. Now I know where you are…Shut your fucking mouth!’

  I sunk to the floor and cried. It had been so long since I cried so hard. I dialed Megan’s number and after the first ring she picked up, “Lex…Lexi are you there?” I attempted to talk through the sobs, “Can y-you…co-come home pl...please?” I held back as much as possible but I felt terrified and knew it was only a matter of time before I lost it all over again. “I am on the way now…Stay where you are Lexi,” she sounded out of breath like she may have been running…

  I heard the door rattle and I scrambled for the edge of the room farthest away from the door. When Megan came in she looked around finding me next to the desk. Immediately she rushed over and sat next to me. She brought her arms around and pulled me into a hug. I cried on her shoulder. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I was shaking but I knew I needed to calm down…I took a few deep breaths…in…out. Megan whispered in my ear that she loved me. She said she wouldn’t leave me again, and told me that we would get through it.

  I kept my head rested on her shoulder without looking up, “I’m getting text messages from him…he sent them tonight. He said he knows where I am…he told Kole horrible things about me. What if he shows up here? I can’t face him. He took everything from me Megan. He erased who I was…He made me this horrible person and I can’t do it again. I’m scared.” When I pulled back to look at her she looked a little shocked. I rose up a little further and looked passed her and that’s when I noticed we weren’t alone. Just three feet away both Radley and Kole stood watching and listening. My heart sank as I look at Kole’s expression. I knew then that he knew what happened to me and I could no longer hide the truth or at least that part of the truth.

  “Megan…can I have a few minutes with Lexi? I just want to talk to her if that’s okay?” Kole looked directly into my eyes waiting for a response. I looked over to Megan and nodded my head. Before she got up she hugged me and then took Radley out into the hallway closing the door behind them.

  Kole came over to me and reached out with his hand, “Let me help you up…come over and sit on the bed with me.” I took his hand as he pulled me up off the floor and I followed him to the bed sitting on the edge. He slowly sat down next to me. A few silent moments passed, “Lexi, I want you to know that what he did to you was not your fault…He is a sick bastard. Matt will never get close enough to you to ever hurt you again…I will guarantee you that. I won’t let him hurt you again.” I couldn’t speak as I stared at this beautiful guy looking directly into my eyes.

  I hated how he made me feel at that moment. I felt safe with him and I hated it…I can’t feel safe with him. It would be a mistake to feel anything toward him. I am not that person…I can’t be. I promised myself I would never rely on a guy again. I couldn’t trust any guy…ever.

  “Lexi you deserve to feel safe. You shouldn’t be hiding yourself…don’t let him have that. He didn’t erase you…your just hiding and I think it’s time you come back,” if only life was that easy. I let him take me into his arms allowing myself to feel secure just for a moment.

  My phone beeping startled both of us. I reached for it when he took it from my hands…

  I could see his jaw muscle flexing as the anger within him built at what he read. When I looked over the phone I felt queasy…

  ‘Do all your new friends know how big of a slut you are? Maybe they should!’

  “Lex why don’t you stay with me tonight…I’ll sleep on the floor if you want me to. I would just feel better if you were with me,” it was really sweet of him to want to keep me close but I couldn’t let myself feel anything for him. “I’m okay here I’ll just turn my phone off. I’m tired anyway I really just want to go sleep and forget about today.” I knew I was lying to myself like it would honestly be that easy.

  Kole continued to watch me I knew he didn’t believe that I was okay, “Since I’m already here and its’ late can I just crash.” Right like being late was the reason he wanted to stay. “You need to clear it with Megan…I’m pretty sure she isn’t going to leave tonight,” he was already standing and walking to the door. After a minute both Megan and Radley appeared and entered as Kole once again closed the door behind them but this time he locked it. “So us guys are just gonna crash here if that’s okay with you Megan?” I didn’t look directly at her because I knew she would have that HOLY COW look on her face directed right at me…

  “Um sure…that’s fine,” Radley flopped down onto her bed. “How are both of us going to fit in this little ass bed…you are just going to have to sleep under me or on top of me,” his looked at Megan shaking his eyebrows up and down. I laughed lightly, “Okay Rad keep junior in your pants because if at any time throughout the night I hear moaning, panting or heavy breathing…you are out of here naked or not. I will not be sharing a room with you two while you ‘Bump uglies.” Kole laughed and Radley looked offended, “Hey junior’s not ugly…is he babe?” Oh holy hell…no, “Enough about Junior…or the nasty deed…go to bed Radley.” He laughed and we all got settled. I was a little uneasy about sharing a bed with Kole but when I saw him grab a blanket and pillow then toss them to the floor I felt relieved.

  “Good Night Lex, sweet dreams,” Kole whispered up to me from the floor right next to my bed. After a moment I whispered back, “Good night Kole.”

  Nineteen

  (Lexi)

  It had been almost two weeks since I got that last text and things had been somewhat quiet. There was a sense of calm between Kole and me. We were actually becoming friends and it felt nice. He never pushed me to talk about what happened to me but I knew if I wanted to he would listen.

  There was a Halloween party at the Fraternity on Saturday. Megan had picked out our costumes and we were actually dressing as angels. I made a comment when she told me what she chose saying mine should have been the devil…she didn’t find the humor in it like I did. She hates it when I tease myself. I was on my way to meet her at the dorm so we could try them on before tomorrow night.

  I left Henderson Hall where my class that afternoon was and I found Hope waiting outside on the bench. I was really not in the mood for her and her drama. I pretended to not see her as I walked by. “Hey Lexi, do you have a minute?” She was running up behind me and I drug my feet as I hung my head and turned to face her, “Listen I really don’t have time for this.” I grabbed my phone from my bag as it rang with an incoming call. She started to say something and I held up my finger telling here to wait as I looked down to see Kole’s number on my screen.

  Me: Yes…

  Kole: Where are you?

  Me: You don’t want to know…

  I debated on telling him about Hope’s secret attack but decided against it…

  Kole: Uh…yes I do that’s why I asked you…

  Me: Okay well at this very moment I am standing outside of Henderson Hall talking to you.

  Kole: I want to ask you something and I want you to wait until I am completely finished before you say no…okay.

  Me: I’m listening

  I glanced at Hope…she appeared to be getting a little impatient I actually thought it was funny that she looked frustrated because I made her wait so I could take a call…and it was Kole which made it better. I secretly was wishing she would just turn and walk away…but she stood there with her arms crossed. I had to hold back the urge to laugh at her.

  Kole: I was thinking that maybe you and I could go to this party tomorrow night together…as in like together.

  Me: Uh…Kole are you asking me as…like a date?

  Hope’s eyes shot directly at me and she put her hands on her hips…she looked a little pissed. Awesome!

  Kole: Yeah…Sorry I’m not too good at the date thing…but I really want us to hangout. What do you think?

  I suddenly felt nervous we had been spending time together but just as friends and it was comfortable. If we started dating and he found out all
of the horrible things I had done I would lose him. I took a deep breath I didn’t want to talk about this in front of Hope…

  Me: Can I call you in a little bit?

  Kole: You don’t have too.

  I turned when he echoed through the phone to find him standing behind me. “Hey, what are you doing here?” I looked back to see if Hope still was there…of course she was. He looked over my shoulder, “What are you up to Hope?” A sweet smile spread across her face that almost made me throw up, “I was just going to apologize to Lexi about being such a bitch at the carwash. I just hadn’t gotten a chance yet.” Oh please that was so far from the truth. That was not her intentions. She was playing little Miss innocent because Kole was here. Seeing her standing there flipping her hair was really just too much. I turned to face Kole, “I was supposed to meet Megan ten minutes ago…can I call you later?” He nodded his head and as I walked away I took a chance and glanced back. I shouldn’t have because the fact that Hope already had herself draped around him just confirmed why I couldn’t date him.

  I got to the dorm and explained to Megan why I was running late. When we tried on the costumes they really were awesome. They had tall white chunky boots that laced up the front with fishnet white tights. There was a white mini skirt with a fishnet top that had a white built in tank over it. The white angel wings were so realistic with a halo to finish it off. We matched perfectly the costumes were sexy yet not to slutty.

  Later that night I talked to Kole and told him we should just meet at the party and hang out as a group he agreed but I could tell he was hoping for a different answer.