Desired Affliction

by C. A. Harms

  “Counseling? Since when?” There was an ache in the pit of my stomach. Lexi didn’t even say anything to me about it. “For almost three weeks now…it’s been really hard Kole but she is actually talking more and hurting less. It’s been tough on her…maybe she didn’t say anything because she wanted to be able to show you that it was helping her. She isn’t avoiding you Kole,” I trusted Megan but I still felt like Lexi was a million miles away from me.

  I haven’t been able to see her and I can’t ever get her on the phone…

  I got up from the couch and went to my room.

  ‘I miss you Lex…can I see you?’

  I felt like such a whipped pussy sitting on the side of my bed with my phone in my hand. I stared at the screen waiting for a response…anything. I felt like forever had passed before the screen lite up…

  ‘I miss you but tonight isn’t good I had a long day and now I just feel like going to bed. Sorry soon though I promise’

  Fuck…I fought the urge to smash my phone against the wall.

  ‘Okay it really sucks not being around you…I feel like you’re drifting away’

  I let my thumb hover over the send button before finally touching the screen.

  ‘Sorry I don’t mean to. I’m just dealing with some things and I’ll tell you about it soon. I want to see you too…maybe this weekend?’

  There was no maybe about it…I was definitely going to see her. I had to fix this distance between us because it was driving insane and I didn’t care anymore how big of a pussy it made me. I needed Lexi and I wanted her back in my life.

  Thirty Five

  Friday was less stressful I felt good about how far I had come with Gail. I let it all out my fears, my regrets…everything. Walking out her office after my session felt liberating…I felt like a little piece of the old Lexi just reappeared and it was time that I start living again and going after what I wanted. It was time to face the fact that what happened to me was not my fault and I wouldn’t let Matt control my choices any longer. I wouldn’t let him invade my mind. He didn’t deserve to be a part of my life in any way any longer.

  I left the Community Center with a new sense of freedom. I was searching through my purse for my keys when I heard my name, “Lexi.” I looked up to find Kole walking in my direction and he looked so handsome. I found myself admiring his features as he approached. His hair was slightly tousled from the light breeze and his eyes were so gorgeous…almost hypnotizing. The slight lift of his mouth as it curled into a sweet smile. He wore a tight gray T-shirt with a jacket thrown over it and I could see his chest ripple beneath it. As he reached me I could smell his cologne and I caught myself closing my eyes slightly to breathe him in. I slowly opened them to find Kole standing before me as he continued to smile at me showing the dimple in his left cheek.

  He looked over my shoulder to the Community center, “How did it go?” I knew at that minute someone had told him about my therapy, “Which one told you Radley or Megan?” He reached out and ran his hand over my arm then grabbing my hand to hold it. “Radley did but don’t be mad at him…I’m proud of you its’ a big step.” He lifted my hand to his lips placing of light kiss on my knuckles, “Can we go do something…anything? I really want to spend some time with you Lex. I miss you.”

  I couldn’t say no because I wanted to spend time with him also. I had pushed away to give myself time and now I just wanted to be near him. I wanted to talk to him and have his arms around me…I had missed him so much but I knew I had to start healing. He followed me back to the dorms to drop off my car.

  “What sounds good…pizza?” He was watching me closely. I smiled at him in reassurance that I was doing good, “Pizza’s fine Kole.” Once we got there and they led us to the booth I slid in. Kole stood at the end looking down at me, “Can I sit next to you?” I nodded up at him as he slid in and the feel of his body up against mine mixed with his cologne was hypnotizing. I have missed him and his touch. After we got together and I grew to trust him his touch became a soothing feeling and no longer a fear. I stopped being terrified of it and began craving it…a desperate need to have him near and to feel his embrace. I took a few deep breathes to fight back the need. Leaning into me he whispered, “Are you okay?” The feel of his breath on my neck pulled at me even more. I turned into him and brought my face to his. Our lips were so close and he was watching my mouth, “I miss you so much Kole. You are the only person who can touch me and I don’t fear it.” I placed my lips gently to his. The kiss was so sweet and lingering.

  We were interrupted by the waitress as she took our order. When Kole turned back to face me he brushed my hair behind my ear, “Did I tell you that your hair looks really sexy? I love how it falls around your face.” He paused brushing his thumb across my lip, “Baby we’ll go at your pace…but I really miss you too. I miss your touch and your kiss so fucking much.” I let him bring his lips to mine again but this time I ran my tongue along his lip as his followed. Our kiss was so heated and I think we were both fighting it with everything we had to keep it from getting to intense.

  Our pizza arrived and I just picked at it. I knew I needed to make a decision regarding Kole…could I trust him and let go of what happened? Would I be able to move on and not have that in my mind every day? I wanted to be able to but could I? We talked while we ate and after he paid I felt like he wanted to say something but he just kept flexing his jaw muscle quickly.

  When we got into his car I watched him put the key in the ignition, “Kole what are thinking…because I know something is on your mind?” He turned to face me, “I don’t want to take you back to the dorm. I really just want you to come home with me. They got people over and we could see Radley and Meg. I know you don’t want to jump back into it with me and I understand that…I do but I really can’t help it Lexi. I can’t pretend that I’m not in love with you. I can’t just see you for a couple hours every week and pretend that such a small amount of time doesn’t kill mean. I just want to grab you and hold on so fucking tight. I screwed up I know that…so bad…but this is torture.” He was staring at me with such intensity, “Please just spend the night with me. I am not saying come home with me so we can have sex. I just want you there…I want to fall asleep holding you and know that in the morning you’ll still be there. Please Lexi. I just don’t know if I can do slow with you…I think it’s impossible but if that’s what you need then I’ll have to because I refuse to lose you.”

  I laid my head back onto the headrest and just looked at him. I wanted to say yes so bad…I wanted to go back to where we were before I told him about me going to that bar. Kole made me feel beautiful…desirable. There was nothing dirty about what we had. I loved him and I wanted him so badly, “Okay.” He wrinkled his eyebrows, “Okay?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh, “Okay I’ll go home with you…I stay with you tonight.” He moved quickly as his mouth crushed against mine he whispered, “I love you.”

  Thirty Six

  (Kole)

  I grabbed Lexi’s hand and pulled her to me for one more kiss before we went inside. They were having a party and I wanted to spend the night with her. I needed to feel her close I wanted to show everyone that I was fighting for her that I needed her. I wasn’t ashamed to let people know I loved Lexi.

  I could feel her relaxing with each kiss we shared. I didn’t hold back now I figured she agreed to stay with me so it should be okay to kiss her. I could never get enough of her. “You ready to go inside baby?” She nodded her head I think we both knew the chances of seeing Hope were going to be pretty high…considering she was back to screwing the guys in the house to try and get to me. She really had no clue that I couldn’t have cared less about who she was under. I felt Lexi squeeze my hand as we walked inside. I turned to look at her and she just smiled. I couldn’t resist leaning over to kiss her once more.

  The music was loud but I heard Megan squeal with excitement when she saw Lexi walk in with me. When she looked closer and saw that I had ahold of h
er hand I thought her excitement would break my eardrums. Lexi leaned in to whisper something in Megan’s ear and then Megan shook her head yes followed by them both scanning the room. I knew then that she was looking for Hope. My stomach flipped and I felt a sense of panic. I hated that Lex felt insecure about Hope and I. There is no Hope and I…there never would be.

  I sat down on a bar stool and pulled Lexi to me. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close. I kissed her forehead causing her to look up at me, “I’m glad you’re here baby.” I watched her lips as she tilted her head up and kissed me. I left my lips lingering over hers watching her with her eyes closed. After a second I kissed her again keeping my eyes open the entire time. Her eyes fluttered and I traced my tongue along hers lightly sucking on the tip.

  She brought her hands up to run them through hair while pulling me closer. Nothing was sexier than watching her kiss me. I knew we were putting on a show but I didn’t give a shit. If Lexi was going to kiss me…I was not going to turn it down no matter where we were. When she pulled back and her eyes slowly came open she looked into mine, “Where you watching me?” I grinned, “Sure was, you look fucking sexy when you kiss…sorry I couldn’t help it.” She turned around and leaned back into me. I ran my hand around her waist and pulled her in just a little tighter.

  Radley had gotten both of us a beer and we were all just standing talking. I had thought maybe we were going to be able to avoid the tense situation of Hope but when I glanced toward the kitchen my stomach fell. Hope was leaning against the counter drinking and staring directly at Lexi. We locked eyes and her face softened then she licked her lips. I suddenly got a bad feeling about this and I wanted to distract Lexi. Hope was drunk which only made her mouthier than usual. I hated that I ran back here and straight to Hope after Lexi and I broke up…it really just fed her fire.

  “Why are you watching her?” Lexi sounded hurt. Shit she caught me watching Hope. I rotated her around to face me, “I am not watching her okay. She just keeps getting closer to us and I am not going to let her start her shit. That is the only reason Lex…I am not interested in Hope. I promise…I am just not going to let her ruin this.” The look on her face made my chest feel tight. I knew she felt there was more to it and I had to blame myself for that insecure feeling she had. “I love you baby…you have my heart Lex…all of it,” I kissed her while running my hands over her hips and along the hem of her shirt across her back. “It’s you baby,” I whispered between kisses, “Just you…I want you.” I felt her relax against me and I allowed myself to relax.

  The feel of her body against me so tightly and her hands running up and down my arms was nice. It had been almost three weeks since I had been this close to Lexi and I knew I missed it but feeling her now made me realize just how much I need her. I felt her small fingers trace across my stomach just under the hem of my shirt which caused a chain reaction to run through me. I moan into her mouth, pulled her in tighter to me, my dick twitched and I sucked her lower lip into my mouth…she returned a sweet little moan and I felt like my head was going to explode. “Fuck Lex, you’re killing me baby,” I was so fucking turned on I knew I had to keep her close to me because I had to hide the erection threatening to bust out of my zipper.

  I thought it would slow her down but it didn’t if anything it fueled her. She reached under my shirt and ran her finger along the edge of my pants. “I miss this…so much,” she kissed me again. I said it was her pace and she was in control. I knew I was either making love to my girl tonight or taking a cold shower. Either way I wasn’t stopping her. Lexi pulled back from our kiss and brought her hand up to my mouth. She ran her finger along my lip and I brushed my tongue across the tip flipping my piercing against her finger. She bit her lower lip, “I miss your tongue…and what you do to me with it.” Fucking hell…she was going to make me come right there in the living room with everyone around. “Lexi…baby whenever you’re ready all you have to do is say the word. You already know that I want you…It’s your call,” I watched her watch my mouth.

  She brought her mouth close to mine and I thought she was going to kiss me again but she lingered over my lips. I could feel her breath, “I want you Kole…just don’t hurt me again please.” I stood up and pressed my obvious need for her against her body, “I won’t baby…I love you. Let’s go upstairs.” I knew I was going to get a reaction from her and I held back a smile, “Upstairs? Your room’s down here.” I brushed my fingers across her shoulder and brushed her hair back, “I switched with Brad…that room has bad memories.” I could tell that she agreed and that she was pleased that I wouldn’t be sleeping with her in my old room.

  I took her hand and guided her toward the stairs. I was so turned on but I just wanted to take my time with her. I wanted to kiss every inch of her and drive her wild. I wanted to give her an amazing night of just us. I wanted to leave the garbage behind and start over. I knew when I got her to my room I was going to tell her that I wanted her back now…I couldn’t wait. I didn’t want just sex I wanted her…all of her. I couldn’t believe the hold this girl had on me.

  Thirty Seven

  (Lexi)

  I felt my head jerk back and my hair felt like it was being ripped out of my head. I stumbled down three steps backwards and landing onto the floor. Then a hand smacked my face hard. I heard yelling and Kole charging back down the stairs toward me. When I looked up I saw Hope standing over me, “He is mine you bitch…why are you even here.” Hope brought her fist back and Kole grabbed her arm and shoved it back making her stumble, “I have never hit a girl Hope but if you touch her one more time I won’t hesitate.” Megan helped me up from the floor and my head hurt, “Did she hit you?” I nodded at Megan.

  Hope was pleading with Kole, “Kole please you don’t need her. I’ll do whatever you want. I want you Kole…I hate seeing you with her. She doesn’t deserve you.” I could feel the anger from Kole. I sensed it in his tone because that day that he broke up with me he carried the same one, “Hope…you were always just a piece of ass…you knew that’s all it ever was…a quick fix an easy lay. We were never more than that. I told you from the beginning so don’t stand here and pretend we were ever more than that. I don’t want you…I never will.”

  I hated looking at them in front of me. I hated that she felt she was better for him than me. I was pissed because he was mine…I wasn’t willing to lose him. I needed him so much. He was my rock my security. Kole was mine. I walked toward her and Kole looked worried like maybe I was mad at him. I wasn’t going to lie and say that I didn’t wish they had never slept together. I hated that she was with him like that but I also knew that he loved me and what he felt for me was so much more. She never had that from him and she never would.

  I smiled at him, “Its’ okay…I think I should give Hope a chance to say what she needs to say to me face to face. You know instead of her secret surprise attack from the back.” I turned to face Hope and stepped in a little closer. I could feel the tension radiate from Kole, “Alright Bitch you were all badass a few minutes ago…don’t tell me you’re gonna bitch up now and sneak off. You want to fucking hit me! Do it!”

  She looked up over my shoulder at Kole and then back to me, “What…he’s not going to do anything…the second that you hit me this became our problem not his.” I stood there waiting but she didn’t know which way to go, “Let me help you out with your little dilemma.” I shoved her backwards and she stumbled and fell on her ass, “Fucking sucks landing on your ass doesn’t it?” I stood over her waiting for her to say something anything. I slapped her across the face, “Okay so now were all caught up…what’s next?” She sat on the floor holding her cheek. She wasn’t going to do anything she was all for show. “Let me tell you how this works…you ever fucking hit me again I won’t hold back. Understand something Kole and I are together…you will never have with him what I have…Never! Move on and find another guy because Kole’s not available.” I turned to Kole and he pulled me into him, “Come On.”

 
I followed him upstairs and when we got into his room I broke down from the adrenaline. He held me as I cried into his chest. He led me to the bed and lowered me down crawling in next to me to pull me close. “Lexi don’t let her come between us…please,” he sounded worried. I curled into him and kissed him, “I’m not Kole…I just hate where we’re at right now. I hate how we got here…and I’m worried that we won’t be able to get back to where we were before.”

  “I don’t except that…because I won’t stop until we are…until we’re better than we were before,” He cradled me to his chest as I fell asleep in his arms.

  Thirty Eight

  (Kole)

  “Does it tickle…huh? Tell me,” I loved Lexi’s laughed and randomly tickling has become a great source of torture…or an even better way of getting her to agree to random things. “Wait…what was that…you would love to go home with me for Christmas break…oh yeah…really. Tickle you more…of course I will…” she was laughing so hard her face was red. “Kole stop seriously…please. Oh my god…please! I’m going to pee my pants…okay damn it…fine I’ll go...STOP!” I flopped on top of her and starting places kisses all over her face, “You can’t take it back now you agreed to it.” I kissed the tip of her nose, “You have no way out…if you try to bail next time I will tickle you until your pee your pants.”

  “You are ridiculous. My insides hurt from laughing,” I kissed her chin. “Kole your brothers that can hear us probably think we are having crazy wild sex in here,” I brought my lips to hers kissing her slowly. “I don’t care what they think. Let them be jealous…”I continued the kiss.