Lost and Found

by Jennifer Bryan Yarbrough

  "Yes, Mr. Kingston. I understand." Mr. Marks looked at the principal and asked if he could go back to his class and he nodded that yes he could. He then looked at me and Cash.

  "I have a feeling that there seems to be more going on than what I've been told and I do not like the sound of it. If you would like to open up an investigation into what I believe you are insinuating, just say the word, Mr. Kingston. In the meantime, I will pay closer attention to Mr. Marks from now on, and I will also make sure that Gideon doesn't receive any unwanted attention."

  He pulled the form out for Cash to sign and he stood up and shook his hand and thanked him, and said he would think about the investigation, but to hold off for now and we walked out.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Cash had been really quiet after we left the school and when I glanced at him a couple of times, he was too still and was staring out the window, leaning so close to the door that it looked like he would jump out at any second.

  I looked into the reflection of the window to try to see if i could see his face, and I see tears streaming down his cheeks and a sad look in his eyes. I don't know if I should say something or just let him be. I can imagine he's in utter shock, having feelings of regret, trying to get used to what he's feeling.

  That's the problem. He's feeling all kinds of emotions that he has been ignoring. One of them is feeling guilty for neglecting his kids. I know all about guilt. I reach over and touch his leg.

  "Cash? Are you ok?" He continues staring out the window and then he turns and looks at me with tear filled eyes.

  "I can't do this anymore, Liv." The desperation on his face makes me want to lean over and hold him and try to take some of his pain away. But I know that he has to do this on his own and think through it in his own way.

  "I know." And I do. I know exactly what he's going through, the guilt, the pain, and the uncontrollable grief that he can't figure out how to rid himself of. He looks up towards the front to talk to Lucas.

  "Lucas, can you call the office and tell them that I won't be in today and to reschedule my meetings? Can you also call Carmen and tell her that we will be awhile? Head to the beach house, because I need to get some air."

  "Yes, sir. Consider it done." He raised the partition window up and it's just Cash and I in the back seat, looking at each other.

  "Did you know that I haven't taken any days off from work since Vanessa died? Well, let me take that back. I do take off on the anniversary of her death and get flat out wasted." He is bawling and I'm sensing that this is the first time he's ever told anyone. He tries to compose himself and continues. I reach for his hand and hold it between both of mine.

  "Last year, I intentionally tried to drive over a cliff, but something held me back and I stopped the car at the last possible second. I've often wondered if Vanessa had somehow gotten a hold of me, or got inside my body and made me stop. I've never told anyone any of this. I don't know why I can talk to you so easily."

  He leans closer to me and our knees are touching and both of our hands are intertwined on top of the arm rest that is between us, and he continues.

  "Maybe it's because I saw the same look in your eyes the night ewe met that I see in myself, when I look in the mirror. You seem different now; even calmer and at peace. How, Liv? How'd you get to where you are now, in just a matter of days?"

  I feel like he is begging me to give him the answer to how to end his suffering, and I really have no idea. It didn't come to me over night, it just happened. It happened when Claudia forced me to look at myself, truly look inside myself, and made me realize my self-worth and realize that I am important here on earth and that I am here for a reason. Maybe one of the reasons is for me to be here. Right now, listening to him and trying to help him to realize what he DOES have, instead of what he DOESN'T have. By now, I'm crying too and we are both sitting in the back of the limo, with tears streaming down our faces.

  "Cash, I don't have the answers for you. Where you got absorbed in your work and shut yourself out from everyone? I did the opposite. I shut myself out from everyone too, but I shut down in a different way. I never left the house, except for going to the cemetery every day, without telling Claudia and having dinner with her on Sundays."

  I don't know how much I want to tell him. Do I tell him about the kids? Is that too much information, while he's trying to deal with his own thoughts? I have to reach for a Kleenex to try to stop my tears from flowing and I felt his hand at my back, when I leaned up and it comforted me. Here I am trying to comfort him and he's now trying to comfort me.

  "I had so much guilt from the accident that I was dealing with for Derek's and....my children's deaths, because I was the one driving and I.... I couldn't understand why I was spared and they had to die and I couldn't just... die with them! I was so angry for so long! If it weren't for Claudia, I honestly don't think I would still be here."

  He gives me a knowing look and he knows what thoughts I had going through my mind, because he had just told me he had the same thought, when he tried to end it by driving off of the cliff.

  "Boy. Aren't we a pair? The two of us. I have guilt as well, Liv. Tons of guilt that I've been ignoring, regarding the children. Vanessa would kick my ass if she knew how I've treated them, or shall I say IGNORED them since she died!"

  He is back in his corner yelling now, with his fists clenched and this is what I knew was going through his mind and I just listen to him, because he needs to get this all out, what he's had bottled inside and never acknowledged.

  "I don't even know them, my own FLESH AND BLOOD! They don't even KNOW ME and I'M" he starts poking himself in the chest, "responsible for that! ME! Not them! They're innocent in this and you! You lost your children? I should be down on my knees THANKING GOD RIGHT NOW THAT MINE ARE ALIVE!"

  I lost it then, because this is what I have been so jealous of him about ever since I met him and it angered me, but I understood at the same time why he distanced himself from them.

  "All of this time, I've been so lost, because Vanessa was gone and last night when you did what I SHOULD HAVE DONE MYSELF, by getting THAT EVIL BITCH AWAY from my children? That was a kick in the teeth! I couldn't sleep at all last night, because I was SO INFURIATED WITH MYSELF AND ASHAMED OF MYSELF, FOR NOT PROTECTING MY CHILDREN AND NOT KNOWING THAT THEY WERE BEING SO MISTREATED!"

  "Oh, Cash. I'm so sorry I told you the way that I did.” I couldn't stand it anymore. I pushed the armrest up and crawled over to him and pulled him into my arms, as he wrapped his arms around me and we both got lost in our own grief of unshed tears that cannot seem to stop. Cash for Vanessa and how he's treated his children, me for Derek and the kids and for Cash and his kids. We stayed that way for quite a while, until our tears subsided, continuing to just hold each other.

  I had forgotten what a hug felt like from a man and it felt so good to be held by one. The last hug I had from a man was from my father when he came to visit a year ago, and this didn't even come close to a comparison. Derek and I seemed to fit perfectly when we hugged, and I had always felt safe and warm in his arms.

  Hugging Cash seemed so much more than that. It was comforting and so strong that I could feel it all the way through to my bones. One of his arms wrapped around my waist and his other around the other side of my waist, with his hand under my neck, caressing the back of my neck at my hairline. I have one arm around his waist and my other arm over his shoulder, and my fingers running through his hair. I have never been held so tight in my life.

  Our heads are resting on each other’s shoulders and I'm squeezing tighter, and Cash starts squeezing tighter. I start nuzzling his neck and inhaling his cologne, while running my fingers through his hair, as he is rubbing his hand up and down my rib cage, while his other hand is starting to rub down the other side of my neck and I am feeling things that I haven't felt in a long time. Want. Need. Comfort. Lust!

  He starts nuzzling my neck and his hot breath is intoxicating me, as he pulls his head up and looks into my eyes. I
see the same want and desire in his deep blue eyes that are looking into mine with such intensity.

  "Oh, Liv. Please forgive me, but I've wanted to do this ever since I saw you in your robe this morning."

  He leans his face closer to mine with his lips close to mine and I knew he was going to kiss me, because he looked up at me again with a questioning look. He looks at my mouth, and I close the gap and press my lips against his, softly at first, beckoning him to part his lips and he does and our tongues start doing a sweet dance together, as we are holding each other tighter with our hands roaming up and down each other’s bodies. He is such a great kisser. The only comparison I have is Derek, but there is so much passion in this one kiss that I want more and can't seem to get enough of him.

  The limo comes to a complete stop and Lucas knocks on the partition, telling us that we had arrived and we break apart, wanting more, but realizing that we shouldn't. There is an awkward moment and I'm trying to figure out how we went from sharing our emotions to me attacking him and hugging him, because I couldn't bear to hear his anguish any longer to kissing.

  I'm looking at him to get his reaction from everything and to see if he is ok with what just happened and he smiles at me and opens the door, gets out, and then leans his hand in.

  "Come on, Liv. Let’s take a walk on the beach." He doesn't seem to be upset, so I grab his hand to let him help pull me out of the limo, as we head for the beach.

  ******************

  We are walking along the beach barefoot, splashing water at each other every now and then and just breathing in the sea air. Neither of us has mentioned what happened in the limo and he seems like he wants to talk, but not sure how to start, so I wait patiently for whatever it is he needs to say.

  "I know you haven't spent much time with them, but you have spent more time with them than I have I'm afraid to admit, but what can you tell me about my children?" He squints his eyes at me and seems a little nervous and childlike.

  "Well, you were right about Gideon, he is quite mischievous, but in a good way. He's very smart and very opinionated and also so loving. I had always defended my own children when needed and they always worshipped me like I was a super hero or something, but when I stood up to that mean old woman for him and Gideon, not even knowing who I was for that matter, I will never forget what he did. I can laugh about it now, but I sure couldn't in front of him."

  "What'd he do?" He looked up at me with a crooked grin on his face, exactly how Gideon would have looked at me.

  "I was standing between them, after I stopped her from slapping him and when I told her to feel free to leave, he crossed his arms across his chest and gave her a "what are you going to do about that?" look and smirked at her."

  He laughed, but not a big belly laugh. I knew he was processing how much he had missed of them growing up. I continued, though, because I wanted him to know.

  "Eden is so sweet and so beautiful, Cash. My heart melts every time she looks at me with her big soulful deep brown eyes, or says my name. She calls me Owibia. She is so affectionate and has turned into my little shadow and follows me everywhere." My description of her has his eyes filling with tears that start falling down his cheeks.

  "She's the one that I feel I have treated worse than anyone. I’ve always felt like if we hadn't had gotten pregnant with her, Vanessa would still be here. I was content with just having Gideon, but Vanessa wanted to try for a girl. My mother is all the time on my case about how I try to pretend she doesn't exist and that's not true." He starts pacing while he's talking.

  "I sometimes sneak in and watch her sleeping and Gideon too. I ache to pick them up and cuddle with them and tell them how much I love them and then I realize what a mess I am, and how they would be so much better off if I would just disappear and let my parents raise them."

  "Cash, I know you regret shutting down and hiding in your grief, but you have an opportunity here to change the ways things are. You've already made the first step, by going to the school and standing up for Gideon. Couldn't you tell how happy he was? Couldn't you feel the love that he has for you?" He's nodding his head, as more tears fall.

  "Yes, I could, which made me feel even more ashamed of myself for how I've treated him these last five years.” He looks up at his house that is directly behind us.

  "Did you know that Vanessa made me buy this house? She loved the castle, but thought it was a bit much. She loved the ocean, and loved coming out here on the weekends and most of the summers, because it felt more like what she was used to. No cooks or maids or drivers; just us two and Gideon. He learned how to walk right here on this beach."

  He's looking around, still silently crying, but remembering how things used to be and smiles occasionally. I leave him alone with his thoughts and start drawing little lines in the sand with a stick I had picked up. He needs to remember and remember the good times, because he's been so lost in his own darkness for so long. I know, because I'm still crawling my way out, but it’s getting easier every day.

  I look around and it seems so peaceful here, and I can picture the three of them walking along the beach hand in hand, with Gideon in between them. I visualize watching him falling down and picking himself up with sand all over his body.

  I look at him and he has his eyes closed with his face towards the sun, smiling and I imagine he's thinking the same things. Playing the ‘what if’ game in his head that I've played myself a thousand times. The problem with that game is it never ends and will cause you to spiral out of control, if you don't quit playing it.

  I've learned that the only game that works that you can win at is the ‘what IS’ game. The here and now, but you have to decide if you want to be present for it and you have to decide which fork to take in the road, when you've reached the end of it. The one that takes you and leaves you in the past, remembering the good, but mostly bad, or the one that leads you to your future and to new adventures, new memories and a new, but different life.

  While I'm deep in thought, I smell him first and then feel the magnetic pull that I feel every time he's near me, and I know that he is standing behind me. I turn around and he seems to be in such anguish, and looks as if he's barely able to stand much longer and then he drops to his knees and sobs.

  "Liv! You have to help me! I just can't do this anymore! You have to show me how to be a father again to them! I can't do it by myself and you're the only one that can help me. How do I do it? I.... I can't do it alone. Why did she leave me alone?" I sit down next to him and comfort him like I would have my children and all I could hear in my head was what Claudia always said to me when I asked the same question.

  “I don’t know, Cash, but you were left behind for a reason, you just haven’t figured out why yet. Please don’t give up, because they need their father more than anything in this world. You're the only parent they have left, and of course I'll help you. Everything's going to be fine, you just watch and see."

  He leaned down and put his head in my lap, while holding onto my legs for support and cried, while I rubbed his head and back, holding him, trying to comfort him for as long as he needed me to.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Cash and I got back to the house around noon and Carmen had lunch ready for us. Eden ran up to me as soon as I walked through the door. I scooped her up into my arms, while she gave me a hug and I gave her a big kiss on her cheek.

  "I missed you, Owibia! I thought I was never going to see you again. Where did you go?" She buried her head in my neck and she hugged me again. She's so adorable and oh how she reminds me of Jenna. It is such a bittersweet feeling being around her. I can imagine with all of the changes going on that she probably was really worried I wasn't coming back.

  "Your Daddy and I took Gideon to school and we went for a ride to the beach. Would you like to go to the beach some day?" She looks at Cash very shyly and then looks back at me and nods her head, and starts rubbing her eyes with both of her hands.

  "Oh, it looks like someone is sleepy. Is it ti
me for your nap? Have you eaten lunch yet?" I look at Carmen, silently asking her and she nods her head at me.

  "I am sweepy, but I was waiting for you. Will you read me a book too?" The more she talks, the sleepier she sounds, which had me giggling a little.

  "Oh honey, I sure will, let’s go put you to bed." I start walking up the stairs and look back at Carmen and Cash, "you two better save me some lunch. I should be back in a few minutes as tired as she seems to be."

  Carmen just laughed at me and told me not to worry. Cash is watching us with want and longing in his eyes, and I know he wishes he was the one putting Eden down for her nap instead and I'm wondering if it’s too soon, but he has to start somewhere.

  "Cash? Would you like to help me read Eden her book? I bet she wouldn't mind, would you Eden?" I asked her in my playful baby talk voice, to make her feel more responsive to my suggestion. She looks at me and I'm smiling at her, praying she trusts me and then she looks at Cash and what she said next, had me almost squeezing her a little too tight from pure happiness.

  "Okay, Daddy. You can come too."

  I wish I had a pause button for this moment right now. The longing look that Cash had on his face went from shock to utter joy in a matter of seconds. What a beautiful smile he has and oh how his eyes were shining so brightly with love for his daughter, when she called him daddy.

  "Thank you, Eden." He's still grinning, as he starts following us up the stairs to her room. I look back at Carmen and she's dabbing her eyes with her napkin and grinning from ear to ear.

  *******************

  The three of us in Eden's bed had to have been a funny picture. Eden is in the center of her full sized bed, with Cash and I on each side of her. With Cash's 6'4" frame, he was having problems staying on the bed.