Whatever It Takes (Bold As Love)

by Lindsay Paige

  “I'm the goalie on the girl's team,” she answers my unspoken question.

  I see that time is running out on the scoreboard.

  “I should get going. Jake doesn't know I'm here. It was nice meeting you.”

  “Nice to finally meet you too.”

  My mind lingers on who this Eve may be to Jake. Just because we are on a break from one another doesn't mean that we are seeing other people, does it?

  The thought comes and goes as the days pass in a blur. I'm still that scared turtle hiding in my shell. Life has been passing me by numbly. I hurt, but this is how I choose to deal with it. On my own.

  I miss my conversations with Drake, Jake, and my dad.

  I miss Jake's touch.

  I miss Jake's love the most.

  Thanksgiving comes, so I'm off to see my father.

  10

  Jake

  Between school, work, and hockey, I have been busy. But I still have time to think about Emily. I miss her like crazy.

  My heart is ripped to shreds. It's only been a few days, but it feels so much longer. My fingers have lingered over the talk button on my phone, but I haven't dared call her. Drake is upset with me over the situation with Emily and myself. However, he cheers up when Dad drops him off for a day with Emily.

  When I get a phone call from Mike, I know I must do something. He informs me that Emily walks around like an unsmiling zombie and doesn't speak unless spoken too.

  She's not speaking verbally, but, according to Drake, she is quite the texter. Most likely to the girls, but it could very well be Kyle.

  We are broken up, I guess. So she can see whomever she'd like. Talk to whomever she'd like. Be with whomever she'd like. That person obviously isn't me. I haven't so much as seen her at one of my games, much less talked to her.

  I think of how I've been spending my time lately. A list forms in my head.

  1. Thinking of Emily

  2. Working

  3. Wishing I was with Emily

  4. Playing hockey

  5. School

  6. Thinking of Emily and wishing I was with her

  She is my Sweetness and I haven't spoken with her in days. The soothing sounds of Clay Walker's song Fall fill my ears as I drive home from the store. A plan begins to form in my head.

  I text Emily and ask her to come over because we need to talk and get this settled. I sit in the middle of my bed with my legs open in a V-like manner and have my iHome ready to go. Soon, the door opens and my beautiful Emily slowly walks inside. She closes it behind her and waits by the door.

  “Come here,” I instruct with a voice full of authority.

  She walks over to the bed and sits on the edge.

  “No. Here.”

  I point to the spot in-between my legs. Emily does so and tenses as my hands rest on her shoulders. I bring my lips close to her ear and tell her, “Listen to every single word of this song.” Leaning over, I press play.

  “Oh, look, there you go again

  Puttin' on that smile again.

  Even though I know you've had a bad day.”

  The song repeats and we listen again. I begin to massage her shoulders in an attempt to make her loosen up. The fourth time, she leans into me, her tense shoulders at ease. Fifth time the song plays, she cradles one side of my face with a hand. Tears stream down her cheeks.

  The past several days of not even being able to touch her near a bout killed me. I stop kneading her shoulders and wrap my arms around her waist. For an hour, we sit and listen to that song repeatedly. Emily leans over and presses the stop button on the iHome. She turns in my arms and I cradle her.

  “Thank you,” is all she says.

  Once her body stops convulsing with hiccups from crying, I start talking.

  “I've missed you. How have you been?”

  “Terrible. I thought that if I submerged myself in my guilt and grief, I would be able to find a stopping point somewhere to begin to heal. If only I'd realized sooner that coming back to you was the answer. I've missed you so much.”

  “Does this mean...” I want so badly to say it, but I'm scared of being denied.

  “Yes,” Emily answers weakly. “Let's go to my house. There's something I want to share with you.”

  Emily leads me to her house. We decide to walk instead of driving. It brings us back to our roots, where everything started. Mike's out of the house when we get there and Emily takes me straight to her room. I sit on the bed and watch her walk over to her suitcase. As she fumbles with the things inside, I look around her room.

  It's different from the last time I saw it. Only a few pictures remain on the wall. The rest are in a stack on her nightstand. Before I can begin to wonder if she looks through them before going to sleep, Emily is taking a seat next to me. In her lap is a box.

  Slowly, Emily's slender fingers open it. I place a hand on her lower back seeing that she is having a hard time sharing this with me. Reaching inside the box, Emily pulls out a teddy bear. A tear splashes onto its nose.

  “I bought this for the baby. I wanted the baby to have something soft to cuddle with when he or she went to sleep. The reason I haven't shared this with you is because it was one of the only tangible things I had left of the baby. Being selfish, I wanted to keep it to myself. There's this too.”

  A white onesie rests in my lap. Tears form and fall over as I read the words written on the shirt. I have the World's Greatest Daddy. My heart breaks at the sight and inside I feel hollow.

  “It was supposed to be a surprise.”

  I turn to Emily and wrap her in my arms. We both shed tears on one another's shoulders. Today marks the fifth month since the miscarriage. Tears fall like a flood and I don't think they will ever stop.

  “Thank you Emily.”

  “I love you Jake. I'm glad you texted me. The thought of having to go through today without you was worrying me.”

  “I'm always here. Even when I'm physically not, you can always find me in here.” I touch the place over her heart.

  Emily bites her lip and instantly, I know something still isn't sitting right with her.

  “What is it,” I ask tilting her head up so she looks at me.

  “You know there is nothing between Kyle and me, right?”

  “I know.”

  “Jake, I'm so sorry. Now, I can see that I was being selfish. I love you so much. Can you forgive me?”

  “Of course I can, Sweetness,” I confirm.

  “And you and Eve?”

  Her eyes stare into the depths of my own, searching for the answer she so desperately wants to hear. I furrow my eyebrows in thought, wondering how she knows Eve.

  “I met her at one of your games.”

  “You've been to my games?”

  “Of course.”

  “She is just someone I talk to Emily. Like how you talk to Kyle.”

  Emily leans into me. The words I spoke to her the night I left weigh on my shoulders.

  “I'm sorry for what I said, Sweetness.”

  “Let's just move on.”

  “I should get going. I'm supposed to take Drake to the movies today. I'll see you soon,” I say with a kiss on the forehead.

  “Tell Drake I miss him. Be careful.”

  “I will.”

  I give her a bear hug and hold her for about a minute. When I release her and turn to walk out, she stops me.

  “I know that kiss on my forehead was not your kiss goodbye.”

  Chuckling, I return to Emily and give her the goodbye kiss she is looking for.

  11

  Emily

  Still thinking about the kiss an hour later, I've finally accepted that the baby is gone. It wasn't the right time and it was no one's fault. There's nothing wrong with remembering the baby, but it shouldn't consume me. How am I going to fulfill my promise of living life to the fullest with Jake if I am lost in grief?

  I have learned something from all of this. Grief is this massive boulder that weighs you down until it eventual
ly squishes you. Having that weight sitting on you makes everything harder. It's harder to breathe, harder to move, and harder to live.

  What I was trying to do was hold the grief on my shoulders all on my own. Jake and I both lost something that day. Together is how we should have handled it, instead of trying to do so separately. The thoughts are pushed away as a knock sounds at my door.

  “Come in,” I call.

  It's my dad. He sits on my bed as I sit upright.

  “How's it goin', hon?”

  “Better. I truly feel better. As if I can move on with my life.”

  For the first time, that thought doesn’t feel like a blow at my baby. I can move on and still think about him or her. Dad wraps me in a hug and I feel comfort radiate from his body into mine.

  “Good. You have some guests.”

  As if on cue, Drake and Jake walk in. With one brother on each side of me, I couldn't be happier.

  “Are you going to have Thanksgiving with us?” Drake asks.

  “We could all have Thanksgiving together,” my dad tells him.

  Drake's smile lights up and I'm so happy to see him. However, it has been days since I've been with Jake.

  “Dad, why don't you and Drake go play some games?”

  “Sure thing.”

  They walk out of my room talking about what they would play. I lift up my covers for Jake to climb between. I cuddle against him and want nothing more than to feel his naked body against mine. My hand slips under Jake's plain white tee and roams over his stomach. Oh how I missed the heat that rises from his body like steam. When I look up at Jake, love shines from his eyes.

  The half of my heart that is Jake’s begins to brighten from its dimming state. Stitches begin to sew my heart back together and cover up any holes. I feel whole and at peace again. All thanks to this man before me. Leaning forward, my lips brush against Jake before slamming against his.

  The sweet taste of Jake enchants me as his tongue hugs mine. Jake grabs the back of my neck to pull me closer to him. It's as if our kisses are cups of water after thirsting for days. My stomach quivers as Jake's hot tongue runs over the sweet spot below my ear before shaking with pleasure as he begins to suck on my skin. Heat burns a path down to the center of my legs and there's nothing more I want than Jake filling me.

  I pull back as to not give in to my urges. My eyes absorb the desire shooting from Jake's.

  “We can't.”

  “I know.”

  I ache to feel his weight on me. It has been so long and I miss him terribly.

  “Anyone at your house?”

  Jake smirks and I can tell that he knows I'm weak. He takes my hand and walks me down the hallway. In the floor of the living room, my father and Drake are playing Monopoly.

  “We're going to run to my house to get some more games,” Jake calls over his shoulder.

  Jake pulls me out of the house and to his car. Minutes later, we're at his house and fumbling through the entrance. Wasting no time, we head to Jake's room.

  My back is against the door as Jake kisses my neck. I push him backwards towards the bed, burning with need. Toppling onto the sheets, Jake towers over me. He lifts his shirt off and tosses it to the side then removes my shirt in seconds. I feel myself melting as Jake's hands travel over my hot skin.

  Jake slides off my pants and underwear. Arousal is clear in his eyes as they take in my glistening state. There's a bulge forming in Jake's pants and I sit up to unzip them. Soon, Jake and all of his hard glory are free of restraining clothes. No time for foreplay. The need to connect with one another is too strong to deny any longer.

  My breath hitches as Jake's length enters me and my back arches against him. His mouth lights a fire from my mouth down my jawline and to my neck. My nails dig into his shoulders as I feel him thrusting.

  With each driving force, I rise and rise until I’m writhing in pleasure and sweat. Lying in his arms, I don't ever want to leave. Lips kiss the top of my head and I can't help but think of how much I love this man.

  Love can either heal or destroy. Love is so powerful that it can sweep you up like a leaf in the wind. Up and down, twirling here and there. Hitting objects that stand in the way, making you stronger. And sometimes a hand catches the fragile leaf and crushes it. Love is beautiful as well. That hand could catch that leaf and hold it like a baby bird. Stroke it with care. Love is powerful. A lesson I will never ever forget.

  12

  Jake

  Driving home, I gently squeeze her hand in reassurance and as a reminder that I'm here. Sweetness' hand is idle in mine. It's times like these that I need to know what she is thinking. If I knew, then I would know if everything would be alright. However, Emily isn't sending out any signals.

  She must be exhausted and ready for sleep. Sweetness will get the rest she needs and anything else she wants. It is the least I can to do to make the love of my life happy. Nothing else matters to me, but her happiness.

  It's odd how a mere coincidence can change someone's life. Getting paired in a class or meeting someone by pure chance can turn a world upside down and inside out. Emily did that to me. Because of my dad, I didn't think a relationship was possible, but Emily changed all of that. She showed me that some things are worth fighting for even if you aren't sure why yet. That's something that we need to remember.

  We are worth fighting for no matter what.

  We eat pork-chops, french fries, and mac-and-cheese before Dad comes to get Drake. Emily is oddly quiet. It takes her five minutes to fall asleep.

  Laying on my back, Emily is cuddled up against me with her head resting on my chest. I don't want to wake her, but I can't resist running my fingers through her soft hair. I realize my shirt is wet.

  “Sweetness?”

  No response. Shaking her shoulder lightly, I wake her up. Sleepy, red, puffy eyes look up at me. My arms wrap themselves around her before I can even think to do so.

  “Another nightmare?”

  “Yeah,” she whispers.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No.”

  “Sweetness. It'll get better. I promise. Don't forget. I'm always here for you.”

  “I know.”

  Her voice says she believes me, but it lacks confidence. Is it confidence in my ability to help or is it confidence in herself? Either way I need to show her it is there.

  I hold Sweetness in my arms until she falls into a peaceful sleep. Hours later the sound of Drake's voice wakes me. Dad must have dropped him off this morning.

  “Dad has been taking me to lessons so I can play hockey. I hope to get as good as Jake one day. Maybe even play in the NHL. How cool would that be? If I'm good enough, people would be coming to watch me play.”

  Rolling out of bed, I leave Emily and Drake to catch up. In the kitchen, Dad and Mike are sitting at the round wooden table drinking coffee. I take a seat and run my hands over my face. I feel as if I didn't get any sleep at all.

  “You alright son?”

  “Yeah, just tired. I feel as if Emily and I need to get away for the weekend again.”

  “Again?” Mike looks over curiously.

  Oops. “Yeah,” is all I say. The more I think about it, the better it sounds. Sadly, I have a feeling Emily wouldn't be up for it. A few days at home is probably exactly what she wants. I will have to find out.

  The sound of my chair scraping the floor echos in the room as I leave them in the kitchen. Drake is still talking a mile a minute.

  “Drake, get out for a sec. I need to talk to Emily.”

  “Okay,” he sighs, scooting off of the bed.

  Once he's out of ear shot, I sit on the edge of the bed and look at Emily. She's practically glowing and it's thanks to my little brother. I'll have to remember to thank him.

  “Remember when we went away to the cabin for the weekend?”

  Emily nods.

  “How does that sound right about now?”

  “You want to go away again?”

  I n
od.

  “I'd love to, but don't you think we should spend time with our families while we are here. I know that we haven't spent much time together lately, but once break is over...” Emily's voice trails off.

  “Okay. I was just thinking how it would be nice to get away for a bit.”

  Leaning forward, I place a kiss on her forehead.

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  I leave Emily's room with an urge to go out into the world with Drake and have fun. Drake is ecstatic with the idea, but asks if a girl can come along. Apparently, he has himself a girlfriend. I ask Emily if she would like to come as well.

  Of course, she says yes. We gather into my car and leave to pick up Drake's girlfriend Becky. She seems like a nice little girl. I can't tell anything else about her though because Drake talks nonstop to her. Glancing over at Emily, she smiles at me.

  “Drake,” she begins. “Why don't you give Becky the chance to reply?”

  “Oh,” he says. “Sorry Becky.”

  “It's okay. I like listening to you talk.”

  From then on out, Drake takes little pauses in-between subjects to allow Becky to respond. Once Becky starts talking, she is as talkative as Drake. Sometimes, they are even speaking over one another. Emily reaches over and intertwines our fingers. We are going out for ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery.

  Once we arrive, order, and take our seats, Emily gets a chance to talk with Becky. She seems happy to talk about herself. Drake listens intently. I don't believe I've ever seen him listen so well before.

  My chocolate ice cream tastes delicious as I listen to the conversation. When we are all finished, Emily suggests that we go to the movies. So we do. Emily and I sit a few rows back from the kids to give them some time to themselves.

  Emily hugs my arm to her chest and rests her head on my shoulder throughout the movie. I am so happy to have her back. My love for her is so strong.

  Love is putting another person before yourself. Love means doing what's best for the other person, no matter what it means for you. Love is always there. Time can only strengthen love. You can only love someone else if they allow you to and it applies to yourself. To be loved, you must place trust in another person.